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The Uprising
The Uprising

by Buscador! in Storybooks
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 5, 2008
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'Coven Born' Prologue
Coven Born Chapter One (part one)
Coven Born Chapter One (part one) REWRITE

Coven Born Chapter One (part two)

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:22 pm    Post subject: Coven Born Chapter One (part two) Reply with quote

Ok I am very sorry this took so long before I got it posted. I was editing the first half plus this second half to provide just enough information, but at the same time not reveal too much.

Just for a recap Sister Innet had asked Sister Margeret if she had the book.

If you missed the first half or even the prologue I suggest reading them. That way you won't be lost

Hope you enjoy! And CRITIQUE AWAY!

___________________________________________________________________________________________

“Do I have the book? Of course I have the book, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t,” declared Sister Margeret. Sister Innet glared at her fellow sister. “I’m sorry Innet, but you know how I am when I’m tired. Here.” Sister Margeret brought out an old looking book from beneath her cloak and handed it over to Sister Innet.

My curiosity for the knowledge of the book’s contents began to over power my nervousness. The book had a plain cover with no trace of a title or any sort of wording; it was made of older leather. There were roughly 300 pages although I wasn’t quite sure.

After placing it on her desk, Sister Innet, stroked the cover lightly with her fingertips. “Do you know the page?” she asked without taking her eyes off the book.

“128,” answered Sister Margeret. Turning the pages carefully and in small groups, Sister Innet searched for the page. When she stopped she did not look up. For a moment it seemed as if I was forgotten, but then Sister Innet at me.

“Riley,” she began. I didn’t like the way she had said this. “your mission is not like any your friends have been given.” This definitely didn’t sound good. “In this book is a prophecy that was written a very long time ago and…”

“And we believe it relates to you,” interrupted Sister Margeret. “Please read it Innet”

“Very well,” said Sister Innet. But before she began Sister Margeret got up and whispered something in her ear. I couldn’t hear what she said, but I could read her lips. “Paraphrase.” Why would she want her to paraphrase? Sister Innet just nodded. She cleared her throat and began to read.

“053 of the Iron Age

“The Promise

“The Iron Age has only just begun, but a powerful evil has been reborn. The cross over into this new age was due to a war. It was this very war, that caused so many to lose their lives and years of rebuilding, in which an unforgettable promise had been made. A promise of evil.

“Bathzier had said even with him gone and the war over his evil would move on to another. My father…” Sister Innet stopped. I looked around to see why and saw Sister Margeret scowling. Then I realized the last line she had said was “My father.” Before I could think any further on it Sister Innet began again.

“Many did not believe Bathzier. In 002 of the Iron age Bathzier’s words had come true. Fortunately we were able to contain the evil, but only that.

“There was only one who could have destroyed the evil. A young female warrior of sixteen years, who fought to what many believe to be a draw. She didn’t give up. Forty-eight years passed before she was able to restrain the evil and force it into a dormant stage. But at the same time it cost her, her life.

“The evil will return once again, but it is weak and needs time to recuperate. Calculations show us that in 1600 years the power will have enough strength to reveal itself again.

“A female warrior will rise and finally destroy this evil. She will need proper training and discipline. That is why funding for the Coven St. Jeanette has begun. A coven is believed to be a group of witches or a place for those of religious beliefs. But this one will not. Coven St. Jeanette will be a haven for females to train in the arts of fighting.

“This shall be the first of many, but Coven St. Jeanette will always be the first of its kind. One last significance lies within this coven. Its name. Jeanette was the one who died fighting against the evil.”

Sister Innet had finished. It was a lot to take in and very overwhelming. “Am I the female warrior who is to defeat this evil?” I asked.

“Yes,” Sister Margeret replied calmly. “Your journey ahead is to be long and hard, but I know you can do it Riley.” She said this with the same compassion she had had years ago.

“Everything has been planned out for the next month for you. You are to stay in the coven for three weeks. During which time you will be gathering supplies for a week’s journey. In the beginning of the fourth week you will leave.” I felt as if Sister Margeret was racing through these instructions even though she was going at reasonably slow pace. “You will be heading to the Withering Forest and then to Withering Castle.” My eyes went wide.

“With-Withering Castle,” I stumbled.

“Yes, Riley Withering Castle. It is home to Xavier who we believe is harnessing this evil.” History had spoken of Xavier and his family many times before. But never anything good, and I was being sent to kill this man. Sister Margeret had stopped. I took the opportunity to ask the question that had been lurking in my mind.

“Why me?” I squeaked. Sister Margeret’s expression did not change, but it was not her who answered.

“Riley, think you were practically born at this coven. You know it’s secrets and your teachers have assured me you are one of their most pleasurable students. You have grown up here and are the most experienced by far,” explained Sister Innet.

She was right about one thing I had grown up at the coven, but I wasn’t the most experienced. “Why not send one of the graduated Sisters?”

“Riley,” Sister Margeret said sternly, “stop questioning yourself. For now your mission is for surveillance. The true test will not begin until after graduation.” I was a little taken aback.

“Sister Margeret please,” said Sister Innet. I didn’t want to look at either of them, so I looked out the window. It opened up into a small courtyard that was usually deserted. But it wasn’t. Carter was out their sweeping. He looked up and our eyes met. But how did he see me? I wanted to turn away, except I couldn’t so I closed my eyes.

“Riley,” I finally turned away from the window and faced Sister Innet. “Graduation is to take place in six weeks. If you follow on schedule you should be back within four giving you two weeks to do as you please.” Sister Innet paused to take pieces of parchment out of her desk. “Here I have two maps. One is of Withering Forest and how to get there. The other is of Withering Castle and it’s many tunnels. Just like other castles you have studied there are secret passageways. You are to only enter the castle through the ones listed on the map, and no others.”

I took the maps without saying a word. Sister Margeret cleared her throat and began to speak. “Riley, you must understand this is very important. Your questions will be answered in time, but for now just do as your told.” I nodded not knowing what to say. “Report back to Sister Innet after you have returned. I will not be here unfortunately.” I nodded again.

Sister Innet broke in, “Before you leave just remember you can’t tell anyone about your mission. When you return to me in a month’s time I will give you a cover story for where you have been. Until then Riley.” That was my queue to leave. I got up and walked towards the door. “Oh and Riley take the book. You won’t need it anytime soon, but it may help you on your journey.” I walked back over to retrieve the book.

I turned to Sister Margeret and said, “It was nice seeing you again.” That made her smile. When I was about to open the door she spoke.

“Beware of loose floorboards.” With that I walked out into the corridor.

***

Instead of going straight to my room I walked about the halls aimlessly. I was still holding the book Sister Innet had gave me and it was heavier then I had thought it ought to be.

“Riley! Riley!” I stopped and turned around to see who was calling my name. It was Sam. She was running up towards me.

“Hello, Sam. Your all covered in mud,” I said

“I’m always covered in mud!” she said enthusiastically. “So how did it go?”

“How did what go?” I asked. We started walking in the direction of our rooms.

“Your meeting!” said Sam.

“Oh right. Well, I guess it went well. I’m just confused. It felt like I was in there forever, and yet everything happened so fast.” Sam laughed at this.

“That’s life for you. So what is you mission?” I knew this was coming.

“I can’t talk about it.” Sam just shrugged.

“That’s not uncommon. Half the missions given out around here are confidential.” I let Sam do most of the talking while we walked back to our rooms. She asked me questions like when was I leaving and for how long, and what was the book I was carrying. I answered as best I could, but finally Sam just gave up and began to talk about her day.

She was taking a breather during her story about how she had found Bernadette hiding in a tree during training when I said, “I saw Carter.”

“Where?” Sam asked puzzled.

“During my meeting. I saw him when I looked out the window and our eyes met,” I explained.

“But the courtyard outside the missions office is usually empty,” replied Sam.

“I know.”

“Hm…that’s weird.” We had reached the dormitories. “I got to go clean off Riley, but I’ll see you at dinner right?”

“Definitely,” I hadn’t realized how hungry I was, but dinner was still a while away. I continued down the hall towards my room. I entered and closed the door behind me.

After putting the book on my desk, I flopped down onto my bed and looked up at the ceiling.

“What have I agreed to?”

_________________________________________________________________________________

the next chapter jumps back to the present. And I was so surprised how long this chapter ended up being. Its only size twelve font and it took up almost ten pages. I find that pretty good.

Thanks for reading.


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Last edited by jules4848 on Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:07 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:16 pm    Post subject: Re: Coven Born Chapter One (part two) Reply with quote

Okay, here I go~!

Quote:
Sister Margeret brought out an old looking book from beneath her cloak and handed it over to Sister Innet.


You don't need the "old looking" there...just "old" is fine. Or better yet, describe the book. How is it "old"? Are the pages falling out? Is it beaten, discolored, torn? So on and so forth.

Quote:
My curiosity for the knowledge of the book’s contents began to over power my nervousness.


This is awkwardly phrased. I'm sure there must be a more natural way to phrase it because so far it feels too...clinical. Also, "overpower" is a single word.

Quote:
The book had a plain cover with no trace of a title or any sort of wording; it was made of older leather.


Nice use of a semicolon. ~_^ It is rather hard to use them correctly...however, I don't think you need to say "older" here; just "old" would be fine.

Quote:
After placing it on her desk, Sister Innet, stroked the cover lightly with her fingertips. “


The comma after "Innet" is unnecessary.

Quote:
“128,” answered Sister Margeret


General rule of thumb: When writing, you want to spell out your numbers as much as possible rather than write them as numbers. So in this case it'd be "one hundred twenty eight".

Quote:
For a moment it seemed as if I was forgotten, but then Sister Innet at me.


Two things: First of all, "I was forgotten" is an extremely egregrious use of the passive voice. Activate it by saying "they had forgotten about me". Also, I think you need a "looked" between "Innet" and "me". Very Happy Oh, typos.

Quote:
“In this book is a prophecy that was written a very long time ago and…”


Prophecies...>_> Sorry, these are my personal tastes and should have no bearing on your story, but I'm not terribly fond of prophecies particularly when they concern the main character. I mean, if handled right prophecies can be awesome, particularly when the story involves misunderstanding the prophecy, or a prophecy that's confusedly worded. Those prophecies are the best. But straightforward ones...I don't like them as they seem to be a cheap narrative device to me, and at the worst, they can destroy any and all dramatic tension. But blehhhh, this is your story. I'm sure you'll be able to carry it out in a convincing way.

Quote:
“Please read it, Innet."


Fikkzzed. I mean, "fixed."

Quote:
Sister Margeret got up


Minor quibble: I'm not terribly fond of the phrase "got up"; it's just very weak and generic. "Stood up" or even just "stood" would probably be better in this context.


Quote:
The cross over into this new age was due to a war.


This is confusing. I'm not quite sure what this is supposed to mean. Sorry. Sad

Quote:
“Many did not believe Bathzier. In 002 of the Iron age Bathzier’s words had come true. Fortunately we were able to contain the evil, but only that.


This is remarkably precise for a prophecy....most prophecies are kind of vague and mysterious, and I think that's the point--that they don't state everything. It's just rather odd for a prophecy to have exact dates.

Quote:
“The evil will return once again, but it is weak and needs time to recuperate. Calculations show us that in 1600 years the power will have enough strength to reveal itself again.


Again, startingly precise. I don't know if you're aiming for this, but it really doesn't seem like a prophecy to me. From my (admittedly limited) knowledge it seems most prophecies are very vague and don't really name exact names and are very easy to misunderstand, not to mention almost poetic. This prophecy just seems a tad too...straightforward.

Quote:
Sister Innet had finished. It was a lot to take in and very overwhelming. “Am I the female warrior who is to defeat this evil?” I asked.


....well...I'm a bit disappointed. The prophecy seems a tad...how shall I put this?...stereotypical? I don't know, unless you're going to put some intriguing twist on a typical fantasy story, you've basically spelled out your entire plot with that prophecy. Bleehhh, these could just be my personal tastes, though.

I'd also like to know why Riley is the sixteen-year-old girl named in the prophecy, unless that's a plot point and it needs to be a mystery for now.

Quote:
She said this with the same compassion she had had years ago.


Ohh, this is so wonderfully sweet. ^^ I'm really intrigued by Riley and Margaret's relationship...family relationships have always been one of my favorite aspects of fiction, particularly between people who aren't related by blood. Now I'm hoping Margaret isn't a blood relation of Riley's, because...I feel that would cheapen their relationship somewhat. But eh, to each their own.

“Everything has been planned out for the next month for you. You are to stay in the coven for three weeks. During which time you will be gathering supplies for a week’s journey. In the beginning of the fourth week you will leave.” I felt as if Sister Margeret was racing through these instructions even though she was going at reasonably slow pace. “You will be heading to the Withering Forest and then to Withering Castle.” My eyes went wide.

Quote:
“With-Withering Castle,” I stumbled.


I think you're trying to say either "mumbled" or "stammered".

Quote:
“Yes, Riley Withering Castle. It is home to Xavier who we believe is harnessing this evil.”


Even more dramatic tension has been obliterated...honestly, it's not too good an idea to lay down the entire plot in the first chapter of your novel. Let it unfold, at its own pace. Why not have the sisters NOT know who's harnessing this vague "evil", and instead have Riley's mission be to find out? That would add dramatic tension as well as add a slightly different twist. Or better yet, what if the sisters are wrong...? But I'm getting ahead of myself. ^^

Quote:
Sister Margeret’s expression did not change, but it was not her who answered.


You don't need to say "it was not her who"; it's rather wordy and awkward. Just say "she didn't." Or, more fitting in context, "Sister Innet answered for her".

Quote:
“Riley, think; you were practically born at this coven. You know its secrets and your teachers have assured me you are one of their most pleasurable students.


Fixed a few errors. Also, I don't think "pleasurable" is the word you're looking for. "Pleasurable" has kind of...dirty...connotations. I think you mean "pleasant".

Quote:
Carter was out their sweeping.


Who's Carter...? Also, it should be "there", not "their". Smile
Quote:

“Riley, you must understand this is very important. Your questions will be answered in time, but for now just do as you're told.”


Fixed.

Quote:
That was my queue to leave.


I think you mean "cue", not "queue".

Quote:
I turned to Sister Margeret and said, “It was nice seeing you again.” That made her smile. When I was about to open the door she spoke.

“Beware of loose floorboards.” With that I walked out into the corridor.


Er...I think you should make Riley and Margaret's parting a little more touching than this. They haven't seen each other for years--shouldn't they be more emotional than this? I like the sense of humor Margaret displays here, but at the same I feel this scene is a bit sparse and needs more emotional power. Right now it feels too matter-of-fact, which isn't good; it doesn't jive with the close relationship Riley and Margaret supposedly have. So...I dunno, work on expanding this, making it more emotional while keeping the characters in character. Yeah...

Quote:
“Riley! Riley!” I stopped and turned around to see who was calling my name. It was Sam. She was running up towards me.


The last two sentences seem awkward. I'd replace them with one sentence--"As it happened, Sam was running up to me." Well, even that doesn't sound right, but...it's the general gist.

Quote:
“Hello, Sam. You're all covered in mud,” I said.


Just a few corrections.

Quote:
“I’m always covered in mud!” she said enthusiastically. “So how did it go?”


Ha ha ha. XD

Quote:
She was taking a breather during her story about how she had found Bernadette hiding in a tree during training


I really must say I love your characterization of Sam. She's just so...I like how she's flighty and precocious, yet loyal and competent. It's hard to make characters like that without them being annoying, yet I like Sam a lot. So good job there. Very Happy

Quote:
“I saw Carter.”


Just a question: Are we supposed to know who this "Carter" is or no? O_o

Quote:
“Where?” Sam asked, puzzled.


Needed a comma.

Quote:
“Hm…that’s weird.” We had reached the dormitories. “I got to go clean off, Riley, but I’ll see you at dinner right?”


As did this.

Quote:
After putting the book on my desk, I flopped down onto my bed and looked up at the ceiling.

“What have I agreed to?”


This is kind of a...it's a bit of an anticlimactic ending. I mean, Riley just got exposed to the hugest revelation of her life--she shouldn't be as blase as this. She seems bewildered, so describe it--describe her thoughts, her state of mind, her physical actions. You ought to go more in depth with Riley's reaction to the prophecy, because she did just exposed to knowledge that would change her life forever. She shouldn't deal with it in such a...I dunno...humorous?...way. Just something to think about.

Overall--I'm not so certain about the whole prophecy deal, because to be honest I've never liked prophecies and the way your prophecy seems to be set up removes practically all dramatic tension. So we know Riley is destined to kill this Xavier guy and end this mysterious "evil". Okay, so what's the point of reading this story then, when we know how it will end? I'm not trying to be harsh and these may just be my personal peeves against the high fantasy genre in general, but...just keep in mind not to stick so slavishly to the prophecy. Like I said, perhaps keep the identity of the bad guy a mystery, or make it not so obvious Riley will succeed, or whatever...or make your prophecy more vague and ominous. As it is now, the reader has no real reason to read the story now that they basically know what will happen. It is hard to strike a balance between explaining too much and not explaining enough, particularly when you know what's going to happen and the reader isn't. You still want to keep an element of mystery that will keep your reader reading because they want to find out more. Yeah.

I am intrigued about why Riley is this "chosen one" or whatever, and I must say I'm really loving your characterization, particularly Sam's. Will she show up again? (hopes so). Also, I want to know who this mysterious Carter is, unless I'm already suppposed to know and am just inattentive.

I eagerly await more, but I am patient. Smile Keep writing, I have no doubt it's going to get good!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok WHO IS CARTER? you seemed to have asked that alot. Carter was mentioned during the prologue when describing Darious. Very important connection there.

Next PROPHECIES. It took me forever to write that section. But I don't find it to be much of a prophecy either. I have been thinking of changing it more of a promise.

What is said here about Xavier...is...well...I can't say without giving away the story...see in the prologue Xavier talks about prophecy/promise but he is assuming it is him who has this power. He's got a 'big head' so to speak

I'm not revealing the whole story because ... ah... hard to explain... *twitches* ... ok I don't want to write it her because people will read it but I can tell you what is planned for the story through PM if you like. It's actually a really complicated and at the same time original story.

Also you were wondering why Riley is the chosen one. Well Riley doesn't know why either. But I do. Alot of the story is going to revolve around this book that Sister Margeret found. Plus Sister Innet was only PARAPHRASING and there was that "My father..." slip up

Basically Xavier is a very complex person...his assistant Darious is even more complicated... Carter becomes a very important character so my way of introducing him is having him pop up here and there... Riley is not going on the mission she thinks she is...eek can I write that .... ???.... ahh

Oh Sam will also be popping up here and then. She will be an important ally.....


*bites tongue... I have said too much .... if you want more explanation I will have to do it through PM...

sorry, -Jules

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:12 am    Post subject: ! Reply with quote

anyone have any idea why the format is all crazy...maybe its just my computer, but
does anyone else have the story like wider then their screen.

I don't know that is just really weird.

Also I won't be able to edit for a bit cause even though I got a five day weekend coming up
I got essays as if there was no tomorrow

Now I am off to watch the debate...then hand write an essay....and then type a different one
Oh crap I have a band trip tomorrow. We call the directer 'general' but I think she is more of a
'dictator'

OH WELL!

PLEASE CRITIQUE AWAY WHILE I"M GONE!
TRUST ME I LOVE TO HEAR WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY!!!

thanks -jules

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply... Reply with quote

No, the screen isn't weird on my computer. I liked this chapter. I felt something was missing from it, something really important. Maybe it was to fast. I think you should've stayed with that scene where Riley and Carter's eyes met a little longer.

“Do I have the book? Of course I have the book, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t,” declared Sister Margeret.[quote]

You don't really need to repeat this line. It was at the end of your other chapter or prologue or whatever.

[quote]I was still holding the book Sister Innet had gave me and it was heavier then I had thought it ought to be.

The word your looking for should be "given".

There's probably more stuff, but overall I liked it a lot, and I think this story is gonna go farther then your Guardians thing.



******srry the stupid italics isn't working********

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 2:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hez...um...on here I edited the part about "Do I have the book?..." part out of Chapter 1 Part 1... to make a cliffhanger. The version I emailed you has it because ... well I hadn't edited it yet.

I wish I had more critiques, not that you and Bickazer aren't helpful I'm awaiting to see what the Coven Born regulars have to say...

Plus yes this one will go farther then 'Guardians' Over the summer I set up and outline for the Prologue - like halfway through Chapter 3 so when I forgot about what I wanted to include it was right there. I was amazed at how well mapped out it was.

There was even an idea for a sequal...although that didn't make much sense at all when I read it.


ANYWAY! FIVE DAY WEEKEND!

ONCE AGAIN CRITIQUE AWAY!

this time I promise not to be on for a while I happen to spare a moment

-Jules

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow now that's an improvement. Much better. There are no mistakes that i could find but there still maybe some small ones. The story deepens and we all get to know what happened after the last cliffhanger. But it seems suddenly boring in this part as if you wanted us to sleep off reading the story for a while so i half expected another totally unexpected cliffhanger. Anyway the stories good and like before i say again that you must continue. If you wanted someone to point out more mistakes then I'm sorry about me not being able to do so. Also i suggest you give us some more info about this past evil and why the courtyard is usually empty when a whole coven full of people are living there. S anyway keep writing. Sorry for the lame crit by the way. Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Sad Sad Sad

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 12:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

INTRODUCTION
I am so sorry I took so long! Due to my blasted homework and the volunteer work I had to do, I really couldn't make time to do an in-depth review. But I'm here now, so let's get cracking!

NITPICKS
Forgive me if I repeat what others have said... I only glanced at the other reviews.
Quote:
it was made of older leather

Older leather? Why not just old leather? How is it old? Is it because it's beaten up, or is it made of some old material?

Quote:
After placing it on her desk, Sister Innet, stroked the cover lightly with her fingertips.

No need for the comma after 'Sister Innet'.

Quote:
“128,” answered Sister Margeret. Turning the pages carefully and in small groups, Sister Innet searched for the page. When she stopped she did not look up. For a moment it seemed as if I was forgotten, but then Sister Innet at me.

The word 'pages' comes up a little too much here. How about instead of 'Sister Innet searched for the page', erase 'the page' and put 'it'.
Also, remember to plug in the word 'looked' after 'Innet'. Wink

Quote:
“And we believe it relates to you,” interrupted Sister Margeret. “Please read it Innet”

Comma before Innet.

Quote:
“Riley, think you were practically born at this coven.

You put that comma in the wrong place. Put it after 'think'... it kinda confused when you put it as that.

Quote:
She was right about one thing I had grown up at the coven, but I wasn’t the most experienced. “Why not send one of the graduated Sisters?”

Exactly! That's what I was thinking! Is the reason why going to be revealed later on.

Quote:
“Sister Margeret please,” said Sister Innet. I didn’t want to look at either of them, so I looked out the window. It opened up into a small courtyard that was usually deserted. But it wasn’t. Carter was out their sweeping. He looked up and our eyes met. But how did he see me? I wanted to turn away, except I couldn’t so I closed my eyes.

Too many choppy sentences. Try combining one or two or three to make it flow easier.

Quote:
I was still holding the book Sister Innet had gave me and it was heavier then I had thought it ought to be.

"Sister Innet had given me..."

Quote:
“Hello, Sam. Your all covered in mud,” I said

She seems pretty monotone here. Was that intentional?

Quote:
“I can’t talk about it.” Sam just shrugged.

When you say 'Sam just shrugged' like that, it gives me the impression that Sam said those words. To fix that, I suggest making that last sentence its own paragraph.

OVERALL
I like it! Can't wait for more.
But I do have to agree with Bickazer... the prophecies thing seems a little too predictable. I hope you have an amazing twist.

~LIF

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