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by Kraemer in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on October 11, 2008
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I · U · V · E · N · E · S · C · O

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 3:51 am    Post subject: I · U · V · E · N · E · S · C · O Reply with quote

Introduction

The Iuvenesco Project is an extensive undertaking purely for the audiences enjoyment. The Project is comprised of the cumulative narrative which will be updated daily.

An explanation on the meanings of words:

iu·ven·es·co v. [yoo-ven-es-koh] To reach the prime of life.

pris·cus adj. [pris-kus] Former, Old Days. (THIS DIFFERENTIATES FROM THE CONCURRENT CHAPTERS THAT WILL BE AVAILABLE IN THE SCIENCE FICTION FORUM.)

With that, enjoy the show...

PRISCUS - I -

i.

“ . . . his feet are the tell. Look at neither torso nor arm; focus only on his foundation. It is the fundamentals of movement. If mastered, be assured you will achieve victory.” Upon completion of his discourse, the Instructor observed idly his sixty-eight novices as they engaged each other in pairs. The beginning class seemed to be progressing fairly, even so early this season. Striding through the expanse of youths, he observed their practice. This one is acceptable; to the next, juvenile footwork; a third, not even looking at his feet! Looking skyward to the heavens, he determined it near an hour since exercises had begun. He is soon to arrive.

The Instructor’s assistant was on the reverse of the yard. He made his way toward the Mentor. The assistant was very much his junior, though a talented swordsman. His sturdy frame matched the features of his face—not necessarily chiseled, yet having the potential. Upon approach, the Instructor hailed the man.

“Maintain these exercises for half an hour more; direct as needed. I must attend to our visitor.” The Mentor merely nodded in response, already occupied with two adolescents.

Walking en route to the Military Institute, an austere structure of plain stonework, he progressed through the dreary halls. Each corridor he strode through was a facsimile of the last, each one having cadets pay respect to him with the occasional fellow instructor nod in passing. His excursion ended when entering the coupled barracks; his destination being the refectory. The hall was filled with the Institute’s intermediate trainees; the Instructor scanned the tables in an attempt to locate a familiar face. As the Instructor slowly paced between tables, each recruit left their lunch meal to stand in respectful acknowledgment. One such recruit approached him; this was the Cadet he sought.

“Sir Instructor! May I be of service?” The Cadet maintained a gaze straight ahead.

“I am in need of your service, Cadet. If you could follow me . . . ” He turned and, assuming the Cadet would follow, began to walk back the direction he came. “We have ourselves a guest attending our Military Institute, as you may have heard. Knight Gallant Sighard shall be giving this Institute an appraisal; I simply require you to prime a room for his stay.” The last words were followed by the Instructor facing the Cadet, a pause, a salute, and the Cadet started for the second floor.

The Instructor continued on to his office to retrieve a document sent just a week prior. He wished to reread the manuscript for the last time before his superior’s arrival. Upon entering, he ignored the insignia of the King’s Martial Swords on each wall, the dark indigo banner behind each heraldic shield. He walked around the thick oak desk, the unembellished chair scraping against the flagstone flooring under his grip.

Taking his place within the seat, he ruffled through the few pieces of parchment and found the letter he intended. The wax seal remained at the top—it was the same dark indigo as the King’s, though embossed with the ring of House Sighard. The sunlight revealed penned script to which he read:

    Sir Instructor,

    By the order of King Leaghyne III, all Military Institutes under the King’s Martial Swords shall be placed under scrutiny, as done annually. Lord Sighard of the Command of His White Heaven shall be the judge of the facility in location of Garrison Aureau-

A knock at the door roused him; the Cadet was standing at the entrance.

“Sir Instructor! I’ve been instructed to notify you on the arrival of Lord Knight Gallant Sighard, sir.” The youth maintained posture and sight erect as he stood.

“Lord Sighard? He has arrived?”

“Sir, he has, sir. Also, preparations for the Lord Sighard are complete, sir.”

“Thank you. Do leave.”

At that, the Cadet stamped his foot and departed. The Instructor walked out to the Military Institute’s façade, straightening his attire to be the most presentable in the attendance of nobility. Exiting through the open doors of the foyer, he walked from stone stair to gravel pathway, down the descent and to the stable yard where a lavish man stood. Two men dressed akin—obviously subordinates to Knight Gallant Sighard—were assisted by three novice recruits to stable the horses.

“Lord Sighard of The Command! The trip was fair, I hope?” The Instructor extended a hand accompanied with a warm smile. Lord Sighard was a tall man. With streaks of gray just above his ears, this knight had seen his share of battles—the most of which he came out victorious.

“’twas fair indeed, my comrade.” Lord Sighard accepted the Instructor’s gesture; the two embraced hands, a quick grasp and release as it had always been done. This was the sixth year the Lord Sighard had come to rule on this Institute.

“Come, come. There is daylight, yet.” The Instructor led the way up the gravel path, into the entrance hall, and out through the corridors to the training green. As they walked; “Just a quick tour as we have every other year.” A chuckle.

The last exercises were underway as the sun reached past the lofty watchtowers of the surrounding keep. The two stood for a moment under the shade of a wooden awning supported by timber shafts, the construct extending over a stone deck. Lord Sighard situated himself, arms crossed, the Instructor leaning against one of the joists.

“So, sir, what have you to show me this season?” the Knight asked with a hint of lighthearted challenge.

Upon inquiry, the Instructor straightened, recalling something substantial. “Something very interesting, indeed, my Lord. In fact, I think he might be readying for practice as we speak.” A wide grin was on the Instructor’s face as each eyes met.

“Oh? You intrigue me, sir. Do lead on.”


_________________
"True is the instinct in man which salutes,
the tiny percentage who die in their boots.
"

The pursuit of perfection is the greatest virtue of all.


Last edited by Hatred on Wed Oct 15, 2008 1:32 am; edited 7 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:10 pm    Post subject: Re: I · U · V · E · N · E · S · C · O Reply with quote

Hmm, seems intriguing. Do you happen to have a fondness for dictionary defintions?

Anyway, prepare for a truly MONSTROUS review. I like to go line-by-line and theeeen write a general impression at the bottom that may go on for a long time. Hopefully you'll have the patience to endure this.

Quote:
This one is acceptable; to the next, juvenile footwork; a third, not even looking at his feet!


I like the way you incorporated the Instructor's thoughts in to the prose--it flows naturally without being jarring.

Quote:
Normally, he would discipline in such an instance,


In this context discipline is a transitive verb; as such, it needs something to act on. "The student", most likely.

Quote:
He is soon to arrive.


Did you just switch tenses here?

Quote:
The Instructor’s assistant was on the opposing side of the yard.


"Opposite", not "opposing".

Quote:
He made his way toward him; upon approach, he hailed the younger.


Your usage of pronouns here is very confusing. It took me several reads to keep all these "he"s and "him"s straight. Try using "the Instructor" for at least one of those "him"s; it would make it easier to follow.

Quote:
Walking en route to the Military Institute, an austere structure of plain stonework, he progressed through the dreary halls.


I like this; it's descriptive without being excessive *coughPaolinicough*.

Quote:
His excursion ended after he entered the coupled barracks, where he stopped within the refectory to find an intermediate.


Fixed, though I'm not quite sure what you mean here, particularly by "intermediate".

Quote:
A table by the window held a familiar face, to which he made his way over.


The table held a familiar face on it? In my mind, I'm seeing a chopped-off head on top of the table. I think I know what you're trying to say, but this isn't the right way to say it. Something more like "a familiar figure sat in a table by the window", or something along those lines.

Quote:
Upon approach


Upon "his" approach.

Quote:
all intermediates stood in respectful salute to his presence


I think this would be better phrased as "all the intermediates stood up and saluted respectfully to his presence".
Quote:

“Sir Instructor!” the Cadet articulated as he stood.


DO NOT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!!!!

...sorry for the overreaction, but PLEASE. One or two dialogue tags is fine, but overusing them becomes overkill. Dialogue tags tend to distract from the actual dialogue, particularly the more exotic they are. And "articulated" should NEVER be used as a dialogue tag. It's just...it feels almost ridiculous in this situation. It's distracting and means nothing. In nearly every case, you can go with simply "said" or, better yet, leave off any dialogue tags at all.

Quote:
in an assumptive manner,


What is an "assumptive manner"? You could do with describing this, because I'm not quite sure what it means.

Quote:
The Instructor continued on to his office to retrieve a document sent not more than a week prior.


"Not more than" is wordy; "only" conveys the same general meaning.

Quote:
It was within that script he wished to reread for the last time before his better’s arrived.


Again, wordy. "It was within that..."? You never want to start a sentence like this, because it's, as my English teacher calls it, lard. The words contribute nothing to the sentence; they exist only to pad it. The sentence could be shortened to "he wished to reread it again before his better's [superior's, maybe?] arrival."

around the thick desk of oak, the unembellished chair scraping against the flagstone flooring.
Taking his place upon his seat, he ruffled through the few pieces of parchment and found the letter he intended. The wax seal was the same dark indigo, though embossed with the ring of House Sighard. The sunlight revealed penned script to which he read:

Quote:
Walking through the open doors of the foyer, he walked from stone stairs to gravel walkway, down the descend and to the stable yard where a lavish man stood.


You used the verb "walk" twice in this sentence. Try replacing the first "walking through" with simply "exiting" (in a lot of cases, you can replace a verb/preposition construction with a single, stronger verb). Also, I think you mean "descent", not "descend".

Quote:
Two men of similar clothing
'

Again, wordiness. "Two men dressed similarly" doesn't cut it?

Quote:
“Lord Sighard of The Command,” exclaimed the Instructor warmly.


I don't want to go "Do Not Want" again...*sigh*

Basically, here you've committed a double offense--a dialogue tag AND an adverb. That's a construction you want to try your hardest to avoid (I understand in some cases it might be necessary), because it's a lazy author's way out of describing (not saying you're lazy). Try to *show* that the Instructor is greeting Lord Sighard warmly--have them clasp hands, smile, laugh like good friends. Don't just tell us that the Instructor greeted Sighard warmly.

Quote:
“How fair the trip?”


"Fares", I think you mean.

Quote:
“Faired well, my comrade,”


And "fared" here.

Quote:
Lord Sighard returned, just as warmly.


Again, show us this "warm return". You say that Sighard and the Instructor are friends but so far there's nothing in the text really backing that up besides some...I don't mean to be cruel, but...info-dumping. If we don't get to see that Sighard and the Instructor are friends, we're not going to believe it no matter how many times you repeat the fact.

Quote:
A relief washed over the Instructor as it did every other year as they maintained pleasant dealings.


The "a" at the beginning is unnecessary.

Quote:
It seemed the last exercises were underway as the students advanced one another.


You don't need the "It seemed".

Quote:
the Instructor leaning against one of the joists.


What is a joist?

Quote:
“So, sir, what have you to show me this season?” the Knight asked, lightheartedly.


Dialogue tag plus adverb again.

Quote:
Upon inquiry, the Instructor straightened with a large smile. “Something very interesting, indeed, my Lord. In fact, I think he might be readying for practice as we speak.”


This is a good example of how you should do this. Instead of saying, "the Instructor said happily", you describe him straightening and smiling. Basically, show us what the characters are doing when they're talking, rather than saying "X dialogued tagged adverbly".

Quote:
“Oh? You intrigue me, sir. Do lead on,” Sighard voiced with enthusiasm.


Again, show us his enthusiasm.

Overview: First of all, I like the concept you've got going here. I like how the school incorporates elements of both a modern military academy like West Point, and more medieval aspects (such as knights). I'm intrigued to see the rest of your world, and interested in the overall idea of the "cumulative narrative", though I'm uncertain how that will work out (particularly if it's connected to several different genres). Will it be like GryphonFledgling's (truly awesome) "Mutts" series, in that each story explores an aspect of the larger world, or will it be several narratives set in different universes that nonetheless share the same theme? Certainly it seems like an ambitious project; I look forward to more.

That being said, while I was reading this, I noticed two main problems in your writing--

WORDINESS
Wordiness may be acceptable when you're trying to pad school essays. Well, it isn't, but I can understand why people do it. Hell, I've done it too, though less now, because my English teacher has started teaching me how to cut down on "lard"--the useless prepositional phrases, using five words when one will suffice, etc., and it has really helped improve my writing. Try not to obscure your meaning in a cloud of bureaucratic double-speak; you may be trying to sound more professional but trust me, if you're not conveying your meaning properly no one will care. At best, overly verbose writing is dull and painful to read. At worst, it obscures your true intent. Writing is a way of putting your thoughts down in words for an audience to read--it is dangerous when you then erect smoke and mirrors all around your thoughts and confuse the audience about what you really mean. At many times in this story I was lost because I didn't understand what point you were trying to make. You need to make your writing as clear and concise as possible--and guess what, when that happens, you'll be surprised: your writing will become a lot more enjoyable to read. Your voice will come through, and that's one of the most important components to writing, especially fiction. One of the problems I noticed in this story was that it didn't have much of a voice because it was so obscured by unnecessary bureaucratic language.

Just a few things to think about. I'm sure other, better writers, here can give you more extensive tips on writing in a more natural, organic voice and cutting down excess words. ~_^

TELLING INSTEAD OF SHOWING
This also connects, in a way, to wordiness, and to the rather flat voice you've currently got going. I've already mentioned the overuse of dialogue tags and adverbs. These words will not help your writing in the slightest. They will often harm your writing. I do understand at times dialogue tags are necessary, particularly if you're trying to convey extreme emotion. It can be very effective to suddenly throw in a "shrieked" when you've been only saying "said" before or not using a dialogue tag at all. Overusing dialogue tags, however, strips them of their meaning--and often distracts from the dialogue itself. I think I've said as much before.

Adverbs, too, can be often avoided. In some cases you'll want to use them, but overusing adverbs--particularly to describe dialogue--has much the same effect as overusing dialogue tags. Try to use more figurative language and more evocative descriptions, instead of relying on adverbs. I too have problems with overusing adverbs but am slowly excising them from my writing unless they truly do have something to contribute. Also, a word of warning: Don't go overboard with figurative language, either. I like the style of description you've currently got going; it's simple, sparse, and to the point, yet the reader has a good idea what's going on. I'd say you probably need more, though, in particular for the people. I just couldn't picture what the Instructor and Sighard looked like. Which is bad; you need to describe your characters to let your readers get a feel for them (hypocrite is speaking~).

Sorry for the excessively long review...this is why I don't do many reviews because my neuroses compel me to go line-by-line and then the overall impressions at the end. >_> Damn those neuroses. They just won't shut up. Anyway--I like this concept, particularly the interconnected stories idea, and I look forward to more. I want to know more about this world, so you've got me intrigued here. There's really nothing wrong with your plot or ideas; I'm just having trouble with the execution, but I'm sure you'll be able to fix it. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors, and I hope this massive review has been useful. Smile

I had no idea those words existed, too, so I'm glad to add two more new words to my vocabulary. Very Happy Maybe they'll help me on the PSAT...much as PSAT practice has really helped me to identify grammar errors. PSAT practice hasn't done much for my math, though. Anyway, segueing from the PSAT...I can't wait to see how the titles connect to the larger narrative, and speaking of that, I can't wait for this narrative to develop, too. But if you update daily...I'll have to review daily...>_> Oh well, I always wanted a few more stars!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 7:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Same day critique. I think you’re the first one in a long while to get one of these from me. Clearly, I have other things I should be doing. Said your goal wasn’t to get critiques, but alas, you failed to mention what was your goal, or if you had one. So here I am with my nit-picks and thoughts. Critting as I go, and I can already warn you that most of the things I’ll point out are just personal things. As I am but one person on this planet of 6 billion, I’m sure you’ll take it with a grain of salt.

Onward, then:

Quote:
The beginning class seemed to be progressing fairly, even so early this season.


I like how you word things in your sentences. It gives it more of a story-telling/old/fantasy feel. Does a pretty good job of setting the tone. The first sentence, how it starts in the middle… Normally, it can’t be pulled off very well, if at all, but it works there. It gives the feeling of walking into the middle of something, but without the feeling that you’ve missed something important. That bold bit, though, sounds a bit off. Like a cross between even so early on in this season and even this early in the season. It puts the meaning across fine, it just feels like it’s missing a word or two. Either way, it’s more of a nit-pick than anything.

Quote:
“Sir Instructor! May I be of service?” The Cadet maintained a gaze straight ahead.

“I am in need of your service, Cadet. If you could follow me . . . ”


The second line of dialogue seems a bit awkward when paired with the first. Perhaps italicize the word ‘am’, or show the Instructor thinking a moment, considering. Add something to add an emphasis on the Instructor’s dialogue.

Quote:
The Instructor continued on to his office to retrieve a document sent just a week prior. He wished to reread the manuscript for the last time before his superior’s arrival. Upon entering, he ignored the insignia of the King’s Martial Swords on each wall, the dark indigo banner behind each heraldic shield


Worded like that, it sounds like these are things he normally studies upon entering. If he normally does that, then your wording’s fine, but it’ll sound off until we catch him in the act of studying his walls. Smile


Your post says you’ve edited this a few times already, but I personally think you did an okay job of showing AND telling. You don’t want to flat out tell – that’s the best way to lose your readers before the end of the first paragraph. But at the same time, if you do nothing but show, you overdo it. Showing instead of telling is one of the things where you need to be skilled to pull it off. Definitely have more showing than telling, but don’t cut the telling 100%. If nothing else, doing nothing but showing can murder a descriptive scene, like when you describe a new character. Tell, but tell well, and show more then tell.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 12:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The astronomical amount of edits to the above post is a result of sizing issues with the accompanied image of the Iuvenesco logo. It was far too large at first and stretched the page unappealingly.

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the tiny percentage who die in their boots.
"

The pursuit of perfection is the greatest virtue of all.
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