Topic ID: 37112
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Ashton
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 Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 4:03 am Post subject: Darken skies... |
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Darkend skies,
sunshine dies.
Pale legs running,
the tears are coming.
Eyes filled with terror,
wanting to get out of there.
Rainfalls,
softly down her face.
Diamond water droplets,
cling to her hair.
Finally shes out of there.
Tears flood here eyes,
she thinks of all the lies.
Lies she has told people,
they're her disquise.
What she told people
who are wondering why?
Why shes alone?
Why she suddendly went cold.
Now raindrops fall on a lifeless body,
she's finally laid to rest.
But no one will know the truth
Because she was bleeding inside,
and to protect her family,
she would've lied.
I know it needs lots of critiques so please help! |
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shellychan
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 4:14 am Post subject: awsome |
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i dont like poetry very much but this was REALLY good. if it wasnt illeagul i would use this for my langueage arts class cuz i cant write poetry for crap. seriously!  lol jk jk.  but ya this is really cool. |
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Nutty
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 4:37 am Post subject: |
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| Tears flood here eyes, |
her
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| Why she suddendly went cold. |
Suddenly
Now I'm not much of a poet, but is there a purpose to the underlines? Maybe there is, and I just don't understand. But I don't see why these words need emphasis, and I don't know if underlining is the best way to do it.
That aside, I enjoyed this poem. It seemed to have a good rhythm, and the fact I read it ( I don't read poetry) means it must be eyecatching, lol! |
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vox nihili
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 4:59 am Post subject: |
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Good poem, as was mentioned by several other people, but I feel like it bears repeating. You did a good job. However, it could be drastically improved-firstoff, get hold of a dictionary/spellcheck, and use some punctuation. I didn't understand the underlining either, but on the whole you have a very good plot to this. a chilling scenario, but I'd like to hear more of the details, why she would have needed to lie to her family, what made her run from the...where was she? What killed her? Was the whole thing some sort of metaphor? I loved it, but I'm confused... and happy to have read it, though.  |
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Stella_Grrl
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 11:08 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm in love with this poem! Me personally, I prefer my poems to be depressing. I'm not sure why but that's just me. Everything just seems to fit together like each piece is part of a puzzle. The only thing I think could be improved is that it seems as if you're being redundant on some parts. I THINK I understand the underlines? Is it because they all sort of play on each other? Like because the skies have darkened the sunshine has died? The tears come because she's in terror? Am I right? |
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DarkAngle11
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
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Really good. But I am no good at poetry. It's just not my thing. But that was really good. I just have a few things. Why were a few of the words underlined? I'm not really understanding that part..but then again I am a little tired right now. But anyway, well..I can't think of anything that hasn't already been said. So good job!
~M |
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Silent music
&& Why do I cry tears when I remember
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 12:52 am Post subject: |
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It was very good. I have been writing poetry for years now and I have never seen specific words underlined. Is it because those are the words you want us to focus on? It was very good. I didn't think that it was at all depressing. I thought of it more as a "Concrete Angel" song, but with less words.  |
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Ashton
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: thanks |
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| The underlined words are something I did to be creative but they have a meaning to them. They do play off each other, and they seem to be the most important. Thanks guys for the critques! |
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