biancarayne
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 12 May 2007
Posts: 224
Reviews: 179
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:16 am Post subject: |
 |
|
~I'm sorry, I'd already read like a lot of this before I realized that it was so old...but I decided to keep going anyways  And, thanks so much for your comment on my story!~
fair features were cut in stone- That kind of sounds awkward and it's hard to tell what you meant by that.
As far as the first paragraph, I think you could like make it more clear where the setting is because that was kind of confusing.
A choking sound, a moan, a gasp of pain erupted from the very far corner of the room, where tar black drapes of an enormous in size window let slip one sole beam of yellow moonlight, enlightening a clammy, chalk white face set in a horrible grimace-
That sentence is kind of really long and could be shortened a lot. Like, the descriptions are great but all set in one sentence they could of run together and the images begin to bleed together, if you know what I mean. My next little comment is gonna sound slightly random but...yellow moonlight? I'm not sure that I've ever seen that before, but I suppose that doesn't mean that it can't exist. Also, this is just another little small thing but you could take out the horrible before grimace because like grimaces are usually horrible anyways.
The man was sprawled on the kitchen floor-
I thought she was in a library? Again, the scenery could be clarified a little bit.
“Once, Shey, once in the forty years that have passed, did you think of me?”-
Not sure about the time...because like, she seems young-ish to me that I can't imagine her being an older character really.
pain flashed in her eyes as she looked into his, deepening as he said her name.-
Maybe clarify that it's the look of pain deepening in the eyes and not really the eyes themselves.
Silence rang afterward, and Cecilie seemed to flinch at her own voice, cringing as the echo faded out-
Sorry, this comment's gonna seem really weird too, but for some reason my brain's not functioning normally tonight. Whatever normal is. Anyways, having like sound references right after silence is a little awkward...because I started reading and imagined this silence and then there's like noises and stuff. Maybe like put the silence after her flinching at her voice. Also, since flinch and cringe are pretty much the same thing, you could combine that bit and take out the seem to, so it'd read something like, "Cecilie cringed at the sound of her voice as the echo faded out" or something?
She wrapped her arms around herself, curling her hands into fists in an attempt to control herself-
I really am sorry. But this is gonna be a little weird to. I swear, just remind me to and once my brain's working right I'll give you a more normal comment on something newer as soon as I can. But anyway, I just tried to do this and it's really hard and uncomfortable feeling to wrap your arms around yourself and curl your hands into fists.
Impatiently, she wiped them away, her shoulders shaking-
A really small thing, but it'd sound a lot smoother if like maybe you changed it to "She wiped them away impatiently, her shoulders shaking"
The crimson pool at his side enlarged itself as drop after drop of blood dripped into its depths-
Hard to tell what this crimson pool is. Like, is it like a stain actually on him where the wound is or is it on the ground beside him?
She threw the dagger that she had taken out of the left one into the air, and caught it, observing not the blade but Shey, who traced the weapon’s path through half-closed eyes, vigilant despite obvious pain-
The dagger seems to come from nowhere. Like, it's just all of a sudden in her hand? Kind of confusing. Also, I think maybe it'd be better to break that sentence up into two separate sentences.
Lights turned on in the room, enlightening the darkness even though neither she nor Shey had made a move-
This is a little confusing, and it's unclear like what this really is.
Ooh, and another super duper small thing is that I just realized that the first time you used his name, you spelled it with a and then the rest of time it's with an e.
It seemed absurdly frail, the weapon, as if ready to turn into dust at the slightest touch of the bearer, and only the diamond inlayed in the hilt had a life of its own, absorbing the newly found light-
You could also break up this sentence to make it flow smoother. Also, it's a little contradictory because the sentence before you called it menacing. Soo like, maybe expand a wee bit on how it could be like menancing and frail at the same time? And the light again...it's still hard to tell where exactly the light's coming from.
She stood there, hugging herself tightly, weapon in her left hand-
Well, I didn't try this one since I don't really have a weapon, but I think this would be awkward (and dangerous) to do too...
If there had once been the slightest trace of pity in her eye, it was once gone, replaced with deep hatred, a betrayal that could not be voiced in words-
Well, there wasn't ever the slightest trace of pity that I saw, so that's maybe just a little misleading. And if she did at first, maybe that could be more noticeable. Also, I think it would be like a feeling of being betrayed, because I THINK the way it's written here would be having her doing the betraying.
And so she stood there, unmoving, still as a statue, with teardrops dripping to her chin, to the collar of her purple blouse-
I'm not sure about the still as a statue, because it's kind of repetitive, like it said that in the beginning and all...and as far as Cecilie being connected with statues at all, I don't really get because that would make her be like emotionless and she sounds kind of moody to me...Although, I also don't know if like she'd be crying about it...for some reason, it just doesn't seem like an appropriate reaction for her for some reason.
Had my fate written in my blood, in my parentage, did I?”-
Maybe have him mention something about this before she does?
And then the tears flowed freely once again, and Cecilie did nothing to stop them.-Again, I'm not sure. I mean, like I know it's about the past or whatever but at the same time there doesn't seem to be anything that she said or he said or whatever to set off this crying fit. Even like thinking of her as being like a kind of unstable person, it still doesn't seem to really fit.
Shoulders hunched, she swayed on her feet, and she leaned against the table for support...She stopped short, twirling the dagger-
Maybe like show her leaning over and then standing up again? Because one second she's leaning against the table and then the next she's twirling her dagger. And maybe something about what she did with her dagger when she was leaning over. Basically, what I mean is that like when people lean over they usually hold onto the side of the table...and to do that, she probably couldn't have been holding the dagger, so she probably would have to put it down somewhere.
Slowly, she ambled toward Shey, boots-
I'm not entirely sure if the word ambled fits the mood...because ambled sounds like she doesn't have a care in the world you know and kind of directionless-like and that doesn't really match up. Also, you said high heels earlier and like I don't know maybe I'm wrong because I know absolutely nothing about shoes, but I don't think you can really call boots high heels or vice versa.
But you said it was too beautiful a night to be wasted away, and I didn’t want to argue with you.-
That's not really a topic that they'd argue about, I don't think.
The hilt visible under her long black skirt, she kneeled at Shey’s side, touching his clammy cheek with her hand-
This sentence could be broken up a little bit as well. Also, another little small thing but if Shey was still inching away from her she might not really have reached him yet, so maybe include something about him not inching away anymore? And maybe his reaction to her touching him?
“It was cold, so very cold… And you left me there. You took my soul, my life, my heart and my love, and left my body there, in that dark alley. You left me there, Shey, you killed me and left me there!”-
Wow. Now that kind of threw me for a loop. Maybe like include just a few more hints that she'd dead? You already have that she's really pale...Because I think even though that was kind of abrupt and shocking, that was a good way to put it, but now maybe like go through and add little hints and stuff so that in hindsight the reader can be like, "Oh, well I guess she is dead, isn't she?"
Also, how is he reacting so normally to someone that's supposed to be dead talking to him? Like, is it because he thinks he's dying and seeing her or has he had experience in the past with ghosts or...? You know.
Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, maybe include some background info on how exactly he got there. Because like, it's fine where you started even if it's kind of like in the middle of the action, it's just that know it'd be nice to have some kind of idea about what lead up to this.
“Cessy, please… please-” He reached out to her, but she cringed away, her expression that of pure disgust-
Not sure that she'd be really far enough away to say "reached". Also, instead of "her expression that of pure disgust" I think maybe "her expression purely disgusted" would sound better.
she asked softly, her tone not matching her expression-
A little hard to get this, because like you have that her expression is desperation, but we don't necessarily really have a tone to match, oor not match, with it. Like, her voice is soft, but that's not really a tone, just a volume level, ya know?
Five thousand years of service in the Court of the Fallen, Shey-
Umm, maybe clarify that because it's kind of confusing. You say in the beginning it was forty years ago. But still, like, she couldn't really be doing this if she was in service to them, right...but how could that much time have passed, because like he's still alive or whatever. So...did she get away from them? And if so, maybe tell/show how?
For a flash of a second she look to the window, through the tiny gap between the black drapes, before returning to the man-
Maybe include like why she did that? I mean, you explain later or whatever, that like it's getting morning, but maybe put something about seeing daylight between the drapes or something? Also, flash of a second sounds kind of awkward.
She watched, pain on her face-
I'm not sure if that would be an appropriate reaction for her, again. Unless it's pain for her past and not for him...because she honestly didn't sound like he was about to die before or whatever.
As the first rays of sunlight filled the room, the woman who had once been called Cecilie Devereux disappeared with the night-
Not sure about the "once been called", or at least with how it's used. Because you called her Cecilie Devereux in the beginning and all throughout, if you get what I'm trying to say. Unless, like, her whole identity, even in death, was so wrapped around this one guy that once he'd died, a part of her died with him? It would also be really interesting if you gave some kinda hit as to what's going to happen exactly with Shey's soul. Aand, as far as her just disappeared, maybe like a bit more description on how that happens or looks or whatever?
But overall, this was a really great story, even though I think Cecilie's rapid mood changes could have been controlled just a little more to make it seem more realistic...even though it isn't like a realistic-type story. But I love the sense of mystery that surrounded it, how you know there's still something more no matter how much the characters continue to reveal, but most of the time you manage to keep it from just being mysteriously vague and confusing. I thought Shey's character could have been developed just a little more. Just enough to have an idea of who he is and his motives so we can have a more emotional response, whether good or bad, to his death. Not too much, maybe, because she story's not really about him...I think it's more about Cecilie being free of him. And that aspect of the story could actually be pronounced a little more. I also love the descriptions, even though they were sometimes a little too moody and the exact scenery of things all throughout was a little hazy.
Great job though! And I hope some of that was helpful, if you ever do plan on revising this...even though like a lot of it was a little random and weird-ish I think. |
_________________
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?p=210283#210283 |
|
