DISCLAIMER OF SUCKAGE: This is the worst chapter yet.
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The Cra-yon Lay-onds 4: The Lands of Crayolla.
Green! Lots of green! Go in green! We see in green! Crayolla’s lair we see in green! Go in lair! What we see? This we see!
...
Crayolla, the Evil Lord I mentioned in Chapter 3, dozed, lazily in Crayolla’s Remarkable Chair. The Remarkable Chair seemed to glow ominously, much like a McGuffin Device That Won’t Actually Be Revealed Until Chapter 20 Or Something would. AN OMINOUSLY GLOWING MCGUFFIN DEVICE THAT WON’T ACTUALLY BE REVEALED UNTIL CHAPTER 20 OR SOMETHING.
Suddenly, Crayolla woke because of a loud noise. Yeah, yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have used that many caps. Crayolla looked around for something to drink, and spotted the Amazing Cup. Crayolla grabbed it, and downed the Mysterious Liquid inside.
...
this chapter will forever be known as the chapter where i introduced a ton of things to keep the were-story going ‘til like chapter 100. yay chapter 100exclamationmark
...
yeah. back to the story now. i think my shift key is broken or something from those last paragraphs.
Suddenly, the author realized that there was TWO shift keys on every keyboard! Thank the Cra-yon Lord!
And now, back to the story, which has been progressing while we were away. Pay me one million dollars and I’ll give you the missing section, alright? ...Yeah, didn’t think so.
...
Crayolla laughed evilly and smashed yet another McGuffi- Wait, WHAT! Crayolla can’t do that! That was my ticket to an extra hundred chapters!
Crayolla was suddenly lifted into the air, flew through the roof of Crayolla’s lair, and fell down on some crag of a mountain in the Way-ste Lay-onds. Crayolla breathed Crayolla’s last breath.
Wait, lyk totally CRAP! Crayolla was my biggest McGuffin yet!
Suddenly, it was revealed that Crayolla had a Horcrux. Crayolla wasn’t dead anymore, now that Crayolla knew this. Suddenly, Crayolla’s Horcrux was destroyed by some random passerby taking a dump on it, but that doesn’t really matter, cause Crayolla was already brought back to life.
Crayolla was then reluctantly floated back to Crayolla’s lair. We now go away from Crayolla, and to Bob, because all this hiding of Crayolla’s gender is really making me tired. She doesn’t mind, anyway.
...
When we last met Bob, he was eating at the Goal-den Cra-yon Eatery. It was ASTONISHINGLY, ASTRONOMICALLY, AMAZINGLY, ACROBATICALLY, ACKERWITCHIENESSLY good, and he totally unnerstood now why that critic that gave it nine stars out of 10 instead of 10 out of ten was sentenced to death.
It was so good, in fact, that he is still in there as I am telling this. Let’s have a look, eh?
Bob ordered yet another Goal-den Cra-yon Speh-shul. It was this dish made of one of the Gigantic Potatoes of the Way-ste Lay-onds, and was a huge, golden, french fry. No trans-fat oil in it of course. Or hydrogenated oil. The restaurant used to, but couldn’t afford to have any more heart attacks on their grounds. It’s THAT big. Hoo-baby. I mean, seriously man, this french fry was IT. 20 inches around, 5 feet long, and all juicy potato straight from the Way-ste Lay-onds. The Way-ste Lay-onds are these huge wastelands, the only good thing about them is that they grow the Gigantic Potatoes of the Way-ste Lay-onds in patches spaced about a few miles apart.
ANYWAY. Back to the main character.
The Goal-den Cra-yon Speh-shul.
It is now the main character.
Ohhh, yeah, that thing is so yummy. And with a few bottles of ketchup... Mm, can you imagine!? Okay, wait. Now I’m hungry.
Bob was waiting impatiently for his Goal-den Cra-yon Speh-shul, when he suddenly thought of something. Why not get back to the quest? After all, this has to be the suckiest installment yet, so why not actually try please the readers!
It was a radical idea.
Also, the fourth wall finally shattered beyond repair. We’ll be needing a replacement, please make all donations to the Cra-yon Bureau of Donations for Broken Fourth Walls.
...
We’ll also need a plot, please.
Bob leaped out of his chair, got his Goal-den Cra-yon Speh-shul to-go, in one of the famed Awesomely Huge Boxes, and then paid the bill, 3423497210945726435713858345762948756234500 dollars. He had been there eating the Goal-den Cra-yon Speh-shuls for about a year now. Constantly. He would have been very fat at this point, except that that would ruin the plot.
Bob exited the Goal-den Cra-yon Eatery, dramatically.
Bob looked around for somewhere to go.
Bob saw the Completely Vertical Cliff o' the Cra-yons.
Bob decided he had better go the opposite way.
So Bob continued on his journey.
Many hours of trekking through the lands later, Bob seemed to see something in the distance. He rubbed his eyes and looked again, but it was still there. A faint golden glow resting on the horizon. “ZOMG THE GOAL-DEN CRA-YON!” he yelled, and promptly fainted.
After he came to, he started running towards the golden glow. It took him a while but he got there. “Yay!” he yelled. Unfortunately, it was just a Chinese knock-off.
Trudging sadly away from the Golden Crayon, Bob decided to be more careful this time. He then saw about a hundred golden glows on the horizon surrounding him. Staring at them for long enough, he saw that ONE of them was a GOAL-DEN glow. He set off for it.
The Goal-den Dragon (scientific name Draco Aurumius) saw him approaching, and grinned nastily.
Bob stepped forwards, his eyes wide. It was a gigantic sparkling Goal-den cave. He tentatively went in, and gasped. There it was. The Goal-den Cra-yon. And there also was a tremendous Goal-den Dragon (scientific name Draco Aurumius) staring hungrily at him.
Bob stepped forward and courageously said, “WHAT is ur TESSSSt, oh miiiiiightee DRAYGON!?!?!?!?!”
The Goal-den Dragon (scientific name Draco Aurumius) gave him a whack on the head and said “No, you idiot, that’s Roaring Dragons, (scientific name Draco Clamarius) us Goal-den Dragons (scientific name Draco Aurumius) talk like this.”
“Oh... okay.” Bob said. “What’s your test, oh mighty dragon?”
The Goal-den Dragon (scientific name Draco Aurumius) hissed “I shall set four crayons before you. One isn’t poisoned. Eat it, and I will let you pass.”
The Goal-den Dragon (scientific name Draco Aurumius) then spat out of his mouth, and set down onto the cave floor, four crayons. One was yellow. One was blue. One was red. And the final crayon was orange.
Bob knew exactly what to do, and if you’ve read Chapter 1, you will too. You see, Matt’s death had been publicized on TV, and everyone was talking about how you should always eat an orange. While eating a Goal-den Cra-yon Speh-shul, he had seen the countless programs on eating an orange on the TV they had in the Eatery. So, he reached for the orange, and gulped it down.
“Nice try.” said the Goal-den Dragon (scientific name Draco Aurumius).
Bob writhed painfully, then dropped dead.
“Ah, if only those idiots on the telly programme, for I am English, you see, had also broadcasted that if it’s in a cave, and with four crayons, you should pick the blue. It’s getting really bloody annoying having to guard this place twenty-four seven.”
And so, the Goal-den Dragon (scientific name Draco Aurumius) annoyedly gulped down the three other crayons and went to go get another to poison and put the dead body into some wet concrete.
.
