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Explosion at the Glitter Factory
Explosion at the Glitter Factory

by CastlesInTheSky in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on November 7, 2007
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Finding Atlantis (Ch. 2)

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 11:52 pm    Post subject: Finding Atlantis (Ch. 2) Reply with quote

Took me long enough, but here's Chapter 2 (obviously). Comments are welcome! Um...I can't think of anything to say. There is a change of perspective, but I don't think it's anything to worry about (key word: think). Enjoy!

Chapter 2

“Lady Diana, it is time for bed.”

Diana looked up to find the plump form of Nana standing in the doorway of the library, the huge bronze doors held open. Margaret sat beside Diana with an editing quill in hand, reading over Diana’s essay.

“Coming, Nana,” Diana called over to Nana then looked to Mary. “Well?”

“This is the best essay I have seen you write, Diana,” Margaret said with awe, her eyes glued to the paper. “I do not necessarily agree with it, but it surely is well-written. Are you sure you wrote this?”

“Of course I did!”

“You did not copy, did you?”

“No! After you left, the other ladies soon did and I was left alone. I decided to just write something down so I can stop writing. Are you sure you read it? I hardly thought about it when I wrote it.”

“It is wonderful! You even dropped the contractions,” Margaret added with a stern look to Diana who was unaffected. “Give this to your instructor. I expect good marks finally.”

“Diana!”

“Coming!” Diana snatched the parchment from Margaret’s hands and stood up, closing the huge book in front of her. A cloud of dust rose up and Diana sneezed before saying good night and hurrying towards the doors.

“Is that your class work, m’lady?” Nana asked, holding out her chubby hand. Diana handed it to Nana before they started walking down the hall. “Your instructor will be most pleased to receive this, especially...” her voice trailed off and her face flushed a light shade of pink. Diana knew what she was going to say, and was about to tell Nana to just say it, but decided it was useless telling her for the umpteenth time. Nana knew as well as Diana and the rest of the lords and ladies that Diana was horrible at giving her instructor her work on time.

“Thank you, Nana,” Diana simply said.

“Oh, not at all!” Nana said with a slight giggle and, at that moment, Diana noticed she seemed anxious and on her toes. They seemed to be walking faster and faster down the halls. “I will be gone tonight anyway, so I can easily drop it off.”

“Autumn said something about that,” Diana stated, remembering Autumn’s visit in the library. “She said you both will be gone tonight, and that there was a package left for me?”

“Oh, yes, there is!” Nana said. “A young servant boy gave it to me and I set it on your nightstand so you will see it. Ah, here we are.”

Diana hadn’t been paying attention to their journey down the halls. She didn’t even remember walking up the stairs, but this was definitely her room when Nana opened the grand doors.

An exquisite bedroom was revealed behind the oak doors, more elaborate than her fellow ladies’ bedrooms. Candles of purple and gold were lit all around her room, her bed covered with purple and golden colors. The purple drapes were tied to the golden bedposts. The moonlight shined through the windows, the curtains drawn aside. Nana hurried over and undid the curtains so they fell in front of the moonlight before entering the attached bathroom.

Nana returned, carrying a white silk nightgown. Her mouse-brown hair was falling out of the bun on her head, her apron was filthy and her feet bustled quickly about the room, as if not remembering how to walk at a slow pace. Diana walked toward her bed where Nana set the nightgown.

She bustled to Diana’s backside to undo the strings of the maroon gown. Diana only stood and let Nana work as she always did. Nana picked up the silk nightgown and handed it to Diana to put on, since Diana was much taller than little Nana.

Nana tied up the strings of the nightgown then left for the bathroom once again. Diana sat down on the edge of her bed and waited patiently for Nana when she spotted the package on the nightstand next to her bed.

It was a box-shaped package, wrapped in brown parchment. Diana reached for it and set it on her lap as Nana grabbed the hairbrush and returned. Nana crawled atop the bed and sat up to brush Diana’s curly red hair.

“Ah, I see you found your package. Go ahead and open it, m’lady,” Nana said as she stroked Diana’s hair with the brush.

Diana’s fingers were already undoing the strings as Nana spoke. She unfolded the parchment and let it fall atop her lap to reveal a small turquoise-colored lockbox with golden bordering. The letters ANA were on the top and three of the four sides. On the fourth side was an engraved eight-pointed star, as if the star fell out of the box. Diana picked the lockbox up and studied it.

“It’s beautiful,” Nana commented. Her brushing slowed down as she gazed at the box. Diana didn’t know what to say. She looked closely at each side, at the plain bottom, and even shook the box, but nothing sounded inside. “Is there a key of some sort, m’lady?”

Diana looked through the parchment and strings. “I don’t see a key.”

“That is odd,” Nana muttered in thought. Diana’s brow furrowed. Who would give Diana such a beautiful piece of artwork? And without a key? What was inside it? Diana didn’t notice her fingers tracing the letters ANA on the top lid.

Silence fell between the two—a confused, uncomfortable silence. Nana, as social as she was, broke the silence with a heavy sigh.

“Thirteen years old. You must be excited for the Day of Union, no?”

It took a moment for Diana to answer Nana’s question as she was thinking of the lockbox in her lap. She looked up at the purple curtains of her bedroom window, seeing the moonlight fighting its way into her room through the purple curtains. She carefully thought through her speech so Nana would not reprimand her on her contractions. “I am not excited, I am not afraid. I am nervous, though.”

Nana chuckled. “You will be excited about it in short time.”

“I am not ready for marriage,” Diana stated. “I am thirteen, just finishing my education. Could I not live in peace, away from so much work? I suppose not, the king’s greed is too great. I will be forced to do his will.”

“It all depends on what the Lady of the Palace thinks, no?” Nana replied after a short moment of silence. Realizing she had scared Diana with such a thought, she put her hands to Diana’s shoulders and held them firmly. “You’ll be fine, Diana. You’re very beautiful. I’m sure you will get a fitting husband.”

Diana did not reply, still caught in the idea of marriage, of leaving Lady Margaret and her sister, Autumn, as creepy as Autumn was.

“A lot of ladies look forward to such an event,” Nana continued, fighting a knot in the red hair she brushed. “There’s nothing to worry about. The Lady is a very trustworthy woman, a very trustworthy woman,” she repeated, but Diana didn’t reply. “Only Princess—Princess Adorèe will not be wed.” Nana stumbled over the name and Diana heard her swallow a lump in her throat.

“What is wrong, Nana?” Diana asked kindly, sitting still as Nana continued to comb through her curly red hair.

“Oh, nothing’s wrong,” Nana said, clearing her throat. She continued talking to keep her mind clear, but Diana still didn’t understand how Adorèe even came into the conversation. “The oldest royal child is never given away, but is to wait for his or, in this case, her future spouse to come to her. Princess Adorèe is not to be united tomorrow night which is when y-you and your fellow ladies will be paired with y-your f-future l-lords—”

Diana turned around, forcing Nana to stop brushing, and looked at Nana’s watery blue eyes. “Nana, I don’t understand—”

“Watch your language, m’lady,” Nana said, a hiccup following her words. “You won’t get a suitable husband with those silly contractions used by servants and peasants like me.”

“But Nana—”

“Tomorrow, the queen will come visit you in here to discuss with you about your future. Then, tomorrow night, you will attend the party to meet the lord Her Majesty has ch-chosen for you.”

“Why must she choose for me? Why now? Why has Autumn never wed?” Diana asked desperately. Nana put her plump arms around Diana in a warm embrace. Diana could hear the fast-beating heart in Nana’s chest, felt Nana’s trembling hands squeeze her tightly as if she thought Diana had been lost and is found.

“It is how society is run nowadays,” Nana said, finally releasing Diana. “His Majesty wants to distribute his ladies to wealthy lords for economic reasons.”

Diana never did well in her classes, and her instructor would definitely agree, but even Diana knew what the word ‘economic’ meant, and she was no where near happy with that thought. The king was using her just to gain more money.

“But why hasn’t Autumn been wed?” Diana asked.

Nana hesitated and finally said, disappointing Diana, “It’s time for bed, now. You need your rest. And the queen wishes to see me.”

Diana’s mind raced with the horrifying thought of marrying another man while Nana returned the brush to the bathroom. When Nana finally returned from the bathroom, she threw back the covers and Diana crawled under, allowing Nana to tuck her in. With a final exchange of ‘good nights,’ Nana bustled over to the door and, with one more ‘good night,’ left the room.

Diana hardly slept that night, her head filled with questions. Diana was confused after her talk with Nana. Why did Nana suddenly start talking about Princess Adorèe? The princess had nothing to do with Diana. And who would be Diana’s fiancé?

Diana turned on her side and her eyes fell on the golden lockbox on her bedside table. She was just wondering, once again, where she got that lockbox.

Diana did not think much on the topic, though. Her eyes drooped and she quickly fell asleep, the eight-pointed star printed on her eyelids that night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Nana! Come in, quickly,” the Lady said. Nana bustled through the doorway beneath the Lady’s arm and into the too-familiar blue and gold bedroom of Queen Katherine and her husband. Standing atop the enormous blue rug was Lady Autumn, Diana’s older sister, looking as calm with frightening empty, cold brown eyes. Nana looked away from Autumn, knowing only too well the familiar stare that sent chills down one’s spine.

“We must make this meeting quick before he comes to bed,” Lady Katherine said in a rushed whisper. She walked up to Nana and Autumn. Nana noticed the Lady’s eyes were horribly red, the usually neatly curled and beautiful red hair was a terrible mess. Nana’s fingers itched to help the Lady clean up, but she held herself back.

“The king will not come in, m’lady,” Autumn said steadily.

The Lady gave her an uneasy look before looking to Nana. The sight of sweet Nana calmed the Lady’s nerves. She took a few deep breaths and was about to speak when Nana said, “M’lady, you must sit down. You look dreadful.”

Nana led Lady Katherine to an armchair and forced her to sit down. The Lady didn’t argue. As soon as she sat down, she welcomed the rest. After such an exhausting day, she really needed some sleep.

“Let me make you some hot herbal tea, m’lady—”

“No, Nana,” the Lady said quickly. “We do not have time. I assume you two know why I asked you to come.”

No one responded. Nana’s face fell into a more somber state, her head bowed to stare at the blue rug upon the marble floor. Autumn did not change her expression, but watch the queen steadily, standing perfectly still.

“She is to be united tomorrow,” Lady Katherine said straight away. Nana gasped at the words; Autumn did not react.

“But m’lady—m’lady, will you not…she must…” Nana’s voice trailed off, utterly confused at the Lady’s decision.

“She is the princess’ cousin,” Lady Katherine said quietly. “We cannot tell her the truth, nor tell my husband the truth, or she will either be banished or die. That will be my punishment for not telling my husband at all about her.”

“Who is she to wed, m’lady?” Nana asked meekly.

“A rich lord whose father is of high status,” Lady Katherine said monotonously. She didn’t seem to want to discuss that point. “Has she received the lockbox?” She looked at Lady Autumn.

“Yes, m’lady,” Autumn replied, her expression unchanging.

“Has she opened it?”

“No, m’lady.”

Nana wondered how Autumn knew these responses when she was not even there when Diana opened the package. However, Nana knew that Autumn had been a very strange girl all her twenty years.

“I did not think she would open it,” Lady Katherine said, “for I have the key, but not for long will it be in my possession.” The queen slowly stood up and waited for her headache to ease before she put her hands behind her neck and undid a golden chain around her neck. She lifted it from underneath her dress and held it out to Lady Autumn who studied it calmly. Nana stared at it with awe.

It was thin gold chain carrying an eight-pointed star of gold. It was of very simple design, with only an N carefully carved in.

“Autumn, do you have it?” Lady Katherine asked. Nana looked at the Lady with a bewildered expression then looked to Lady Autumn whose expression was unreadable, as usual.

“Yes, m’lady,” Autumn said with a polite nod.

“Then take this,” Lady Katherine said. Autumn took the necklace and put it in her pocket. “Keep it until it is the right time.”

“The right time?” Nana repeated, looking to the Lady. “M’lady, I do not understand what is happening. Why is Diana marrying tomorrow? Who is she to be wed to? What is the lockbox? What is that necklace? What does Autumn have? What is happening?” Nana’s breath was as fast as if she ran around the huge palace ten times. Tears sprung to her eyes at the thought of the dear child who now slept soundly in her warm bed and she cried even more at the thought of talking back to a noble.

“Nana,” Lady Katherine said softly and set her hands on Nana’s broad and shaking shoulders. “My dear Nana, some questions must remain unanswered. I do not know if my plan will work, but, so far, you can trust me. All I ask of you, Nana, is to care for my niece and to show her she has a purpose. Lady Autumn will also watch over my niece, as well as play her part in rescuing Tyroan.”

Nana sniffed loudly and nodded, wiping the tears away with her handkerchief. She was going to excuse herself, but a loud hiccup came out instead. The Lady smiled and stepped back to look at both women. “Has she ever seen the kingdom?”

There was a pause as Nana looked up from the Lady to Autumn. Autumn answered when Nana did not. “No, m’lady, she has not. It is against the law for the young ladies of the palace to step outside the palace walls until married. By then, the ladies will leave for their new homes.”

“Oh yes,” Lady Katherine said, remembering the law her husband had passed years before. “I remember that. The king told me that he was afraid of his ladies running away,” she explained coldly. “Unfortunately, we will be performing that exact idea.”

“What?” Nana said with shock.

“She will be married tomorrow,” Lady Katherine said, ignoring Nana’s statement of shock. “Autumn knows the rest of the plan, if all works out. Nana, you just play your part as Nana. My niece will take care of the rest.”

Nana was still confused and wanted to ask questions, but she knew when she was dismissed. She began to turn around and leave when she noticed Autumn continued to stare at the queen. Lady Katherine stared straight back. “Is something on your mind, Lady Autumn?”

“You have not said her name at all this evening.”

“You are correct in saying I have not,” the Lady replied.

Lady Autumn’s cold eyes seemed to dig into Lady Katherine’s soul, putting the Lady in an uncomfortable position. “What is her name?”

Nana’s brow furrowed. It was Diana, of course! Dear Lady Diana who lay fast asleep in her room. The Lady knew this as well! Why must Autumn waste time with such a silly question?

“Do you not know?” Lady Katherine replied coolly.

“You have not said her name at all this evening,” Lady Autumn repeated.

“Why must I poison my language with such repetition? Do you not know?”

“What is her name?” Autumn’s voice was not raised at all but, in fact, even lowered into a soft tone.

Lady Katherine could not reply. Her cheeks flushed a light shade of pink and she looked away from her elder niece. Autumn continued speaking.

“What is her name?”

“It is Diana, my dear,” Nana said harshly, saving the Lady from this absurdity. Nana took Autumn’s arm and gently shoved Autumn for the door, but Autumn did not move, as if nailed to the floor. “Please, m’lady, we must leave the queen to sleep.”

“What is her name?” Autumn repeated.

Lady Katherine looked up at Autumn then turned around on her heel to look out the window into the starry night. Nana urged Autumn to leave, becoming a nuisance for anyone in Autumn’s position.

Finally Lady Katherine’s voice answered harshly, causing Nana to jump for she had never heard her lady speak in such a tone.

“I do not know.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Comments/crits welcome! Very Happy


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Last edited by JabberHut on Sat Mar 01, 2008 10:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello! I think you've made some huge improvements here, especially where dialogue and description are concerned. In fact your description of the room is beautiful! Here's a few suggestions -

“Coming, Nana,” Diana called over to Nana then looked to Mary. “Well?” [I think you decided to replace all the Marys with Margaret?]

She looked up at the purple curtains of her bedroom window, seeing the moonlight fighting its way into her room through the silk [or some other material.] purple curtains.

Autumn did not change her expression, but watched the queen steadily, standing perfectly still.

The queen slowly stood up and waited for her headache to ease before she put her hands behind her neck and undid a golden chain around her neck.

It was a thin gold chain carrying an eight-pointed star of gold. It was of very simple design, with only an N carefully carved in engraved upon the surface of the star.

Nana’s breath was as fast as if she ran had run around the huge palace ten times.

She began to turn around and leave when she noticed that Autumn continued to stare at the queen.

“It is Diana, my dear,” [I wouldn't have her say the name or the queen would just repeat it rather than admit she doesn't know. So perhaps something like 'She knows the girl's name, Autumn.']

Overall, I think this is really good and I like the plot development. I think Autumn and Nana are both very well characterized but Diana still needs some work, especially seenas she's the main character. I'm looking forward to finding out more of the plan and the lock-box. Until then, keep up the good work!

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kitty15 has pretty much pointed out all the mistakes that I noticed.

& and thank you so much for PM-ing!! I didn't know this chapter was up...

I was a bit confused towards the end of this chapter but I read the prologue and everything that should make sense makes sense...so it's all good

Keep Writing!!

I can tell the King isn't someone you'd like to meet up with for an evening but I'd like to get to know him more. I know through your writing that he's nothing short of a villain but It would be nice if you could write some dialog between him and his subjects concerning the kingdom so that I can get a better sense what he's exactly like.

&& that's pretty much it.

Keep posting
-icy.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this a lot (as usual! Smile). I think the story is going in a very interesting direction, and it's quite intriguing. I especially like the ambiguity of the lock box and the Queen Katherine's plan. Can't wait to find out what happens next!

On the whole, I think that most of the mistakes have already been found. But here's a few more little nitpick-y things:

Quote:
Diana did not reply, still caught in the idea of marriage, of leaving Lady Margaret and her sister, Autumn, as creepy as Autumn was.


I think you could omit the first 'Autumn' and it might flow better. You've already introduced Autumn in previous chapters, so I don't think you need to specify that she is Diana's sister. It just seems a little repetitive.

Here's another thing:

Quote:
Diana’s mind raced with the horrifying thought of marrying another man while Nana returned the brush to the bathroom. When Nana finally returned from the bathroom, she threw back the covers and Diana crawled under, allowing Nana to tuck her in.


I think this paragraph could use a little rephrasing. It seems a little awkward, because you keep switching who you're talking about in the middle of it, so your pronouns seem a little weird. Also, you repeat the word 'returned', and that also seems a little awkward.

Other than that, I think this was good. Let me know when you have the next chapter out!

Keep writing!

-Sorceress

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 1:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good story i like it i look forward to reading more

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