Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
One Year On.
One Year On.

by Alainna in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on November 23, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Finding Atlantis (Prologue)
Finding Atlantis (Ch. 1)
Finding Atlantis (Ch 1) --Rewrite!
Finding Atlantis (Ch. 2)
Finding Atlantis Ch 4
Finding Atlantis (ch. 5)
Finding Atlantis (Ch. 6, pt. A)
Finding the Wandering City

Finding Atlantis (Ch. 3)

Topic ID: 22526
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum

464
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1040
Reviews: 464
Country: Candyland
880 Points

PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 12:12 am    Post subject: Finding Atlantis (Ch. 3) Reply with quote

Here's Chapter 3 (obviously). It took forever before I could finally sit down and just write [type]. Um...not much to say...Does it seem realistic? I don't know if I portrayed it very well. Comments on that are welcome, as are crits. ^_^ Enjoy.

Chapter 3

“M’lady, ‘tis morning. M’lady,” Nana whispered, gently setting her hand on Diana’s shoulder. Diana’s eyes fluttered open and looked to Nana’s smiling face. She groaned as the sunlight that streamed through her window hit her eyes and she immediately looked away.

“Come now, m’lady,” Nana urged. “You have a big day today.”

Diana slowly sat up, her blurry eyes looking up at Nana who now held a silver tray in her hands. Diana stretched and yawned before situating herself for her breakfast. Nana set it on Diana’s lap. “Here’s your breakfast, m’lady. I’ll go start the bath.” She left for the bathroom, leaving Diana alone with her breakfast.

Diana ate, but not so much. She had so many thoughts distracting her still from last night. She slowly ate her eggs as she thought of what may happen today. The Day of Union. She was to be wed tonight…and the queen was to visit her.

Diana was not thrilled to meet the queen. As much as Nana trusted the Lady, Diana didn’t. But, then again, maybe this would be Diana’s chance to say something to the queen, to get her point across, to save Tyroan.

“M’lady, are you feeling alright?” Nana asked. Diana didn’t reply, but looked up at Nana. Nana smiled. “You’re nervous, aren’t you?” Diana shrugged and set her toast down. “Come on, then,” Nana said and took the silver tray from Diana’s lap and set it aside. Nana bustled over to the bathroom doors, saying, “I have your bath all ready for you. The temperature’s just right and I put out one of your best gowns so you look nice for the queen—”

Diana hardly paid attention to what Nana was saying. She had difficulty getting out of bed, but she managed it. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She sighed heavily and was about to stand when her eyes fell on the blue-green lockbox on her bedside table. She picked it up, shook it, studied it, knocked on it, and whatever she could to open the box, but the box never opened. She set it back down with another sigh of disappointment and went into the bathroom after Nana’s continuous calling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As soon as Nana tied the last string on her gown, she left the room, saying she had an errand to run. Diana looked at the mirror, her reflection staring right back at her. She was dressed in a beautiful shimmering green fabric, her red hair as curly as ever.

Diana never felt this excited for the Day of Union. Her hands began to sweat because she was so nervous. She was going to meet the queen in only a couple hours. She wished she could see Lady Margaret, but she would not be able to leave her room until this evening for the celebration.

“Diana, your instructor’s here to see you,” Nana’s voice called.

With one last look of herself and a deep breath, Diana walked out of the bathroom, her green heels clicking across the hard floor until she stepped onto the purple and gold rug. Her eyes fell on an older man even shorter than little Nana and possibly in his early thirties. His gray-brown hair was combed neatly atop his head, but his blue eyes were not as piercing as they usually were. His whole expression was that of pleasure.

“Lady Diana,” he said with a polite nod.

“Good morning,” Diana simply said, her brow furrowed.

The instructor sighed. “You must show proper greeting to anyone that approaches you, Diana. ‘Good morning’ is a good start. Try again.”

Nana noticed she would have nothing to say, so she scurried off—Diana didn’t know where. Diana made an irritable sigh and ‘tried again.’

“Good morning, Master Julius. How does life treat you?” she said bitterly.

“More politely, and that will do for now,” he replied. “Anyhow, I was going to come by later after the Lady visited you, but I thought you would like to have some company during your lonely hours in your bedroom.”

“Nana is all the company I need,” Diana said as kindly as she could, but still trying to get her instructor to leave. “There is no need to waste any more time with me than you have already.”

“Wasted thirteen years? I think not,” Master Julius replied. “I have taught your mother before you. She was such a wonderful girl with wonderful marks on her work. But, then again, that was the Wonderful Century.” He chuckled at his on wit. Diana’s lip twitched.

Master Julius took a breath before continuing. “You were very much different—shall we sit? I could go on for hours about you and your mother.”

“Master Julius,” Diana said suddenly. “I do not need to hear about Lady Julia. There must be another reason why you have come.”

“Lady—?”

“My lord, would you like some tea?” Nana said quickly, hurrying to the fireplace.

It took a moment for Master Julius to come to his senses and agree that “a cup of tea would be lovely.” Diana watched her instructor walk to the fire and sit in an armchair. She watched Nana hand Master Julius a steaming cup of tea and heard Nana whisper frantically to Master Julius. What she said, Diana didn’t know, but when she seated herself in the second armchair by the fire, Master Julius looked at Diana with a most bewildered expression.

Master Julius didn’t say anything. Silence settled around the room until Diana spoke.

“What reason do you have for being here?” she said firmly.

“The essay your nana delivered,” Master Julius said drearily. “Who wrote it?”

Diana cocked an eyebrow. “That’s a ludicrous—”

“Contractions are ludicrous,” Master Julius snapped, causing Nana to gasp slightly at the sudden tone. “Answer my question. Who wrote the essay?”

“I did, sir,” Diana answered softly.

“Tell me the truth now.”

“My lord—” Diana stopped, thinking this may be a trick statement. She remembered her instructor saying something about lies. What was it?

“Answer me, Diana.”

Diana couldn’t remember. She had only to tell the truth until she recalled that lesson. “I wrote it, sir.”

Master Julius stared at the fire, hypnotized by the flickering flames in the grate. Nana was no where in sight.

“Lies are never told except by higher nobles and those nobles can only tell lies to the lower castes in order to keep peace. If lies are misused by the noble, they will be caught, you can be sure of that. I taught you this before,” he added, his eyes flicking to Diana and back to the fire. “Now, keeping this in mind, who wrote the essay?”

“I did, sir,” Diana said through clenched teeth.

Master Julius sighed, setting his tea on the side table. He pulled out a rolled parchment from inside tunic and handed it to Diana. “Untie it and read the top of the page.”

Diana did as she was told. It was a fairly long piece of parchment written in the chicken scratch Diana knew to be hers. She glanced at the top and found a note by her instructor. She read: “Talents are there. Use them.”

Diana looked up just as Master Julius explained. “This is the best paper I have seen you write, if it was really you who wrote it. The author of this opinionative essay has a talent for writing. Definitely have proved your point. However, it cannot be read for the Day of Union.”

“What?” Diana muttered distantly, her eyes skimming over her paper.

Master Julius looked up from the fire and to Diana. “Diana, your essay speaks against the King himself. If it, by any small chance, is read in front of the whole people tonight, you and I both will be punished by death.”

“Fine,” Diana said with a shrug. “I’ll die to have this read tonight so everyone can hear it. Maybe someone will have guts to overthrow him.”

Master Julius was about to say something, but he just stared at Diana obliviously. He looked from her to Nana who suddenly appeared next to Diana then back to Diana.

“Master Julius, you should best be leaving now,” Diana said, rolling up the parchment and standing up. “The Lady will be arriving in only a few minutes.”

Master Julius slowly stood up, his mouth still open with awe. He looked up at Diana, to Nana, than back at Diana, and said in a harsh whisper, “You have courage, but do not do anything ludicrous.”

He swiftly left the room and slammed the door shut. Diana stared with hard eyes. Ludicrous? Diana? He must be joking. Diana never made a fool of herself, not like Master Julius or Lord Derrick.

“M’lady, let me fix your hair before Her Majesty comes in,” Nana said, bustling up to Diana and gently pulling her down to the armchair. Diana allowed Nana to do so and stared at the fire in silence. Neither of them said anything.

But both of them jumped at the soft tapping on the bedroom door.

“She’s here!” Nana squealed, hurrying toward the door. Diana unintentionally smoothed the creases of her dress, shaking her head so her hair didn’t look like Nana fixed it. Once she felt ready for the queen, she stood up and turned to meet Nana’s excited brown eyes.

Nana opened the door and smiled. “M’lady!” Nana said with a low bow, holding the door open. “Please come in!”

Diana felt fairly calm before the Lady came, but now she felt like she ran around the whole kingdom. Her heart pounded in her chest, her hands began to sweat. Her brow furrowed with disbelief as she stared at what seemed to be her reflection.

“Lady Diana,” Lady Katherine said with a gentle smile.

Diana quickly bowed to Her Majesty, waking herself from her thoughts. “Good morning, Your Majesty,” she said, looking back up to those bright green eyes. It was like a more cheerful Diana.

Lady Katherine strolled over to the fireplace. “Please, sit,” she said, indicating the armchair beneath Diana. “There is no need for formality. I have only so much time to waste.”

Diana sat down, but tried to cover her relief. Her legs began to shake from nerves. Sitting in her comfy armchair made it easier for Diana to concentrate.

“Some tea, m’lady?” Nana asked.

“Yes, please,” she said with a friendly smile. “I need a drink after all the young women I have spoken to. You are the last one,” she added, nodding in Diana’s direction. Diana smiled weakly. Does the queen ever stop smiling? It made Diana feel uncomfortable.

Nana handed the queen her tea who gave a grateful smile then she turned to Diana. “How have you been, Diana?”

This is no friendly conversation, Lady Katherine, Diana thought harshly. “I am well. And you, Your Majesty?”

“I have been alright, considering,” Lady Katherine said with a gentle shrug. “It has been a busy morning already. The afternoon is fast approaching. I am afraid of what it will give me.”

Diana didn’t know what to say. She looked at the queen. It was her fault for running the Day of Union. The King could have done it instead.

“I have read the essay you wrote for Master Julius,” Lady Katherine said, lowering her cup and saucer to her lap, the creases of her blue gown were invisible compared to Diana’s which refused to remain smooth and perfected. “It was very well written.”

“Thank you, m’lady,” Diana said with a polite nod.

“I have also heard about the incident in the library yesterday evening,” Lady Katherine continued, but she didn’t sound at all upset. In fact, she said it as if it were a good thing. Diana couldn’t find anything appropriate to say after this.

Lady Katherine kept speaking. “I know a lot about you, Diana, more than you know.” Diana looked up from the fire to the queen. “And I expect a lot from you. I am both glad and afraid that your future rests in my hands. I wish there could be another way.”

“I am only thirteen, Your Majesty,” Diana said, feeling slightly sympathetic. “I, like all the other young lord and ladies, need your guidance.”

Lady Katherine smiled softly at Diana who didn’t show any sign of respect. In fact, she was also irritated that Lady Katherine, as active as she is, didn’t do anything about the King’s wrongdoings.

“Speak to me, Diana,” Lady Katherine said. Diana’s brow furrowed, still staring at the blazing fire. “I have read your essay and know what goes through your mind. Tell me what you plan to do about it.”

Diana looked at her with a bewildered expression. “There is nothing I can do, m’lady,” Diana said as politely as she could. “I have no power to overthrow the King.”

“Have you not learned anything from Master Julius?” Lady Katherine asked gently. “Have you not studied past rebellions? Past wars? Mythology?” Diana remained silent. “Think, Diana. Tyroan has always been victorious. Never has it lost a battle, neither economical nor political nor social. Everyone has always been happy to live here. Now the population is diminishing. Gallium is now our rival kingdom. What can we do?”

“Rebel, then,” Diana said harshly, her fists curling and uncurling. “Get your people to rebel against your husband.”

Lady Katherine’s sorrowful green eyes studied Diana. “You have more power than you know—”

“Why do you ask me these questions?” Diana asked, her voice raising. “Talk to your daughter. Princess Adorèe I’m sure would be willing to help her dear mother.”

Silence fell between them. Diana’s heart beat as fast as when the Lady entered her room, only it was no awe feeling. It was frustration. She was getting all worked up.

“No lady can do this alone,” Lady Katherine said softly. “I could ask a lord to do it…but who? This is no solo adventure. I need only to speak to one person for a selected people to seek help.”

Diana looked at her. “Help? From who? Gallium? They would never help us. Not with our King in reign. They’re gaining so much popularity now, all they’ll do is destroy us even further!”

Nana tensed, and Diana knew why. Her voice was growing louder and louder and her contractions were now slipping by. However, Lady Katherine remained calm with her same gentle look.

“I also asked you to recall, not only your rebellions, but your mythology,” she said softly. “One myth has been debated over its truth. Hardly any evidence was found of its existence and, therefore, places it as a myth.”

She let Diana think it over, but Diana had no clue. Why must the queen speak in riddles? Just say the answer straight out! Diana had too many things on her mind to worry about myths and legends.

Lady Katherine made a quiet sigh, her first since she arrived. “Think about it. We are running short on time. I must return to work. This evening will be most exciting.”

Diana saw the Lady stand up and Diana followed suit. She walked alongside the queen to the door, Nana bustled over to open it. Lady Katherine turned around once more to look at Diana. A soft smile crept on her face once again.

“I have complete faith in you,” she stated gently. When she noticed Diana did not say anything in return, she left the room, leaving Diana with more questions in her head.

I have complete faith in you.

Ludicrous.


_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
"I solemnly swear that I can right no gooder than u." -- Jabber

Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today!


Last edited by JabberHut on Sat Mar 01, 2008 10:46 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
TL G-Wooster   View This User's Portfolio
boh
Epic Novelist

818
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 3616
Reviews: 818
Country: in Bavaria where the sheep seldom wear spectacles
459 Points

PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 12:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Coolummy, it's so long! Could you post it as smaller bits? *is feeble*

_________________
Most people run screaming to the therapist when they hear voices. I write. –Laurie Halse Anderson
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum

464
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1040
Reviews: 464
Country: Candyland
880 Points

PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 12:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's actually shorter than the other chapters and prologue. ^_^; Sorry if it seems more overwhelming. I tend to write long chapters. An idea per chapter. This chapter is about the interview. Sorry...

_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
"I solemnly swear that I can right no gooder than u." -- Jabber

Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend

1324
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5360
Reviews: 1324
Country: England
1316 Points

PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 3:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An excellent chapter, my friend. I think you have some good description, some lovely dialogue and generally it flows very well. Also, I think I'd like to see more of the instructor - a most interesting character. I think the interview could have been a little better. You could have made the link between the queen and Diana more subtle. Instead of drawing so much attention to their similar eyes, perhaps choose an action that both use when nervous or excited. Or maybe the way they sit is similar? Also, the beginning was rather drawn out and repetitive in places so maybe cut a little of that.

Here's a few specific points -

Diana slowly sat up, her blurry eyes looking up at Nana who now held a silver tray in her hands. [Maybe change blurry to glazed?]

Diana never felt this excited for the Day of Union. [This is awkward. Maybe 'Diana had never felt this excited for the Day of Union.']

With one last look of at herself and a deep breath, Diana walked out of the bathroom, her green heels clicking across the hard floor until she stepped onto the purple and gold rug.

He pulled out a rolled parchment from inside his tunic and handed it to Diana.

Diana had felt fairly calm before the Lady came, but now she felt like she ran had run around the whole kingdom.

In fact, she was also irritated that Lady Katherine, as active as she is was, didn’t do anything about the King’s wrongdoings.

Overall, I don't think you need to change much and I like how the story is developing. I'm looking forward to seeing where the plot goes next in fact. Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum

464
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1040
Reviews: 464
Country: Candyland
880 Points

PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 1:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I want to just hug you, Kitty! Your reviews are amazing! You would think I'd learn. ^_~

Oh, what am I saying? *hugs Kitty tightly* I always knew kitties were more loyal than dogs. ^_^

I'll let you know when I post the next chapter, but more reviews on this will be most, most. most welcome! If you review for me, I'd be more than happy to review for you. ^_^

Jabber, the One and Only!

_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
"I solemnly swear that I can right no gooder than u." -- Jabber

Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
CrystalSorceress   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

23
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 43
Reviews: 23
Country: Some fantasy land in the back of my brain.
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really enjoyed this (as usual Smile).

On the whole I didn't see a lot that wasn't already mentioned.

There was one little nitpick-y usage error, though. I'm not really sure if it's something used everywhere, or if it's just something my English teacher was partial to. You can choose to ignore it if you want to.

Quote:
“M’lady, are you feeling alright?” Nana asked.


Quote:
“I have been alright, considering,” Lady Katherine said with a gentle shrug.


In these places you use the word 'alright.' According to my old grammar textbook, in situations such as these where you are asking something along the lines of 'How are things?" you use all right. When you are agreeing to some thing you use alright. So, in the cases mentioned above, you would use 'all right'.

For all I know, this is obsolete (I'm not quite sure how old that textbook was). I thought I'd point it out though, just in case. Ignore it if you want to. I think it's just the grammar geek in me that made me notice. Smile

Quote:
M’lady, let me fix your hair before Her Majesty comes in,” Nana said, bustling up to Diana and gently pulling her down to the armchair. Diana allowed Nana to do so and stared at the fire in silence.

..............

“She’s here!” Nana squealed, hurrying toward the door. Diana unintentionally smoothed the creases of her dress, shaking her head so her hair didn’t look like Nana fixed it.


First thing I want to say is that I absolutely love this. I don't know why, but it really just speaks to me about Diana's character. I guess it shows me that she's not afraid to rebel, and I love that. It's just a tiny little detail, but I think it's the little details that can make or break a piece.

The one thing I would do to it is say "shaking her head so her hair didn’t look like Nana had fixed it" I think that might sound better.

That was all I found, and it was really good. I really love your writing. So, thank you for letting me dissect your writing endlessly.

Keep writing!

-Sorceress

_________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.- Theodor S. Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum

464
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1040
Reviews: 464
Country: Candyland
880 Points

PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot to you too, Crystal. ^_^ Your reviews mean a lot to me too. *hugs*

I'm glad you both enjoy my work (well, at least you're reading it ^_^). I appreciate your help.

I welcome more reviews as well! It'll be a while before I post chapter 4, I'm afraid. ^^;

Jabber, the One and Only!

_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
"I solemnly swear that I can right no gooder than u." -- Jabber

Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on November 23, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on November 23, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. - Eric Hoffer
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society