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by peanut19 in Fantasy Fiction
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This thread was created on December 21, 2007
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Finding Atlantis (Prologue)
Finding Atlantis (Ch. 1)
Finding Atlantis (Ch 1) --Rewrite!
Finding Atlantis (Ch. 2)
Finding Atlantis (Ch. 3)
Finding Atlantis (ch. 5)
Finding Atlantis (Ch. 6, pt. A)
Finding the Wandering City

Finding Atlantis Ch 4

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 8:27 pm    Post subject: Finding Atlantis Ch 4 Reply with quote

It's been a long time, but here we are! Chapter 4! Reviews are highly welcome!

Chapter 4

“What do you think, m’lady? Good?”

Diana sat in front of the mirror and looked at her hair. It was impressive, Diana thought. Nana smiled at Diana’s expression. Never had Diana seen braids in her hair. It was so curly; Diana hadn’t considered that possible. The soft locks had been tied into tight little braids and were fastened at the back with a neat, gold clip. The periwinkle gown she wore was magnificent as well.

“You look like you’re ready to marry,” Nana said. Her eyes began to water and she made a small hiccup. “This will be the last time I see you.”

Diana quickly turned around. “Will you not be there tonight?”

“They don’t allow us nurses to watch,” Nana said, tears flooding her eyes. “Most of us, if not all, begin to cry and ruin the mood.” She sniffed. “It should be a joyous night, but the King says we ruin it by letting our tears be heard.”

“Nana, no! You must be there!” Diana begged, tears now developing in her eyes. “I can’t do this without you!”

“M’lady, please, you must be going,” Nana replied, and yet hugged Diana tightly. Diana had to bend over terribly to reach her, but she didn’t mind. Dear Nana would never be with her again. They both wept in each other’s shoulder, not wanting to let go.

Then a knock was heard on the door. “Lady Diana? Come now, it is time to go.”

“Coming, Master,” Diana said, not knowing if he heard her or not. Diana took a breath and looked at Nana through watery eyes. Nana was in a horrible state, but she smiled anyway, encouraging Diana to continue.

Diana took another breath, wiped her eyes, and walked to the door. It seemed farther away, every step a stab to her heart. Leaving Nana was a terrible thought, let alone action. She didn't wait for Nana to open the door for her. She heard her let out a sharp hiccup and knew what to expect. Before Nana could wrap Diana in her arms she left the room, the door closing with a soft click. Master Julius looked up at Diana with eyebrows raised. His blue eyes pierced through the loose hairs on his head. “Do not weep over this day, Diana. You will be leaving this king’s power now. You should be grateful—according to that essay, you should be grateful.”

“Nana’s been with me for my whole life, Master,” Diana sniffed. Master Julius offered a handkerchief—blue with a yellow J—and Diana took it, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I can’t live without her.”

“Well, if you paid attention in your classes, you would not be as worried as you are now,” he said sternly. Diana looked to the floor, but Master Julius put a comforting hand on her arm. “I will miss you, though.”

Diana gaped at him, but Master Julius didn’t explain. “Come along. The last thing we want to do is be late. Tardiness is a sin of peasantry and death to nobility.”

Diana always wondered if her instructor was crazy. Outside classes, he said the most arbitrary things but inside class, he was as friendly as a bull. She recalled him pounding the table with his fist and yelling at Diana for her effortless answers and misbehavior. However, when they were around other people, Master Julius seemed like the sweetest little tutor.

They walked down the halls, down flights of stairs, and down more halls. Every noble in the castle was dressed up for tonight. Servants stood aside to let them by so as not to spill left over lunches onto their newly polished shoes. Diana was half excited because she never saw more of the palace than the fourth and fifth floor—schooling and sleeping. The ballroom was on the second floor, the location of the celebration.

“Master Julius!”

Diana looked around to see who was able to find such a small person in this crowd of nobles (the hallways were getting more crowded as they came closer to the ballroom). It was the librarian of the children’s library, the one who carried Lord Kieran to a noble’s worst fear. Diana felt guilt build up inside as the woman walked over to them with a speed that exceeded Diana's expectations. Her hawk eyes landed on Diana and gave a polite nod before looking back to Master Julius.

“You didn’t make it to our discussion, Master” she said in her shrilly voice. “We would have loved to have you, especially with the topic this morning.”

“During breakfast?” Master Julius asked and the librarian nodded. “Ah, Mistress Anna, I had to tend to my pupil, Lady Diana! Remember the interviews? I wanted to be sure I met the youngster first,” he added with a chuckle.

Mistress Anna cackled with laughter. “Yes, I suppose. I completely forgot about those interviews. A pity, really. Our discussion was in much need of your input.”

“And what topic would want an input from one as pitiful as I?”

“About Atlantis, and you’re not pitiful! You’re the best tutor in all of Tyroan!” the librarian remarked. “We discussed whether it was once real or if it’s just a myth.”

Diana’s brow furrowed as she glanced to Master Julius. This was the third time the librarian used contractions. Of all people, a librarian should be using the correct format among nobles, let alone children nobles. She noticed Master Julius’ lips tightened slightly before continuing, quite cheerfully, “I do not quite see how Atlantis can be such a popular topic.”

“What has he told you about the city of Atlantis, m’lady?” Mistress Anna asked. Diana saw Master Julius frown slightly, but he didn’t say anything. “Has he told you it was a myth?”

Diana had to admit this was one lesson that intrigued her, myths. They were like fantasies with that slight possibility of being reality. That’s how it had been taught: an unknown piece of history. It was neither fake nor real. It was an unanswered question. She told this to the librarian and the woman considered it. Master Julius made a soft smile of pleasure.

“I think Atlantis is a downright lie,” she said. “It’s just a story to tell children, to scare them from doing the wrong things such as: Vegetables you shall eat or droughts you shall meet; Care for your flowers so they will bloom the gardens of Atlantis; Finding a lovable and knowledgeable lord is like finding Atlantis: you can’t.”

Diana stopped in her steps as she stared at the huge ballroom that lay right down the red carpeted stairs. They were all of gold, a chandelier of diamonds hung on the ceiling. Nobles chatted with each other, all dressed in elegant clothing. Servants with trays of foods and drinks carefully made their way around the nobles.

“It seems busier than it usually is,” Mistress Anna said thoughtfully.

“Excuse us, Mistress Anna,” Master Julius replied, “I must take Lady Diana to her spot in line. Tardiness is a myth that must never be taught,” he added and Diana made her own small smile. Master Julius took Diana’s arm and they walked away from her. Diana saw Mistress Anna walk down the stairs, calling, “I’ll save you a seat, Master Julius!”

To Diana’s surprise, Master Julius rolled his blue eyes and made a heavy sigh.

“Master?” Diana said with confusion.

Master Julius looked up and chuckled. “Ah, never mind. I can never shoo her away. She is always following me and seems engrossed in what I have to say about everything. Now I have to go sit next to her during your special day!”

They walked down the stairs into the side room. It was also of gold with murals on the top half. Only the unmarried lords and ladies between thirteen and twenty were in this room—a round total of maybe fifteen. Not many at all, especially because three kingdoms were here: Tyroan, Gallium, and Frotham. The instructors stood to the side, chatting amongst themselves.

“Diana,” Master Julius said and Diana looked down at her instructor. Looking into his sparkling blue eyes made Diana’s stomach churn. Thirteen hard years of being with him as well as Nana. Diana didn’t think she would miss him too. However, he seemed to love her as much as Nana did.

“Diana, just remember everything I taught you,” he said sternly, shaking a stubby finger at her. Diana sighed and rolled her eyes, but allowed him to speak some more. He put both his hands on her arms. Diana’s neck was aching from looking down at him. “You will be a wonderful lady. You have character, a personality that no one else has. Use your talents always. Keep your relationship with your spouse strong. You may not think it, but, one day, you will love him and he will love you.”

“Do you know who he is?” Diana blurted.

Master Julius shook his head. “No, but he will be a good man. I trust the queen, as should you. Now, go find Lady Margaret and Lady Autumn.”

They exchanged one more smile before parting ways. To Diana’s horror, she found Princess Adorèe talking to Lord Derrick and a couple others. They were hanging on to every word she had to say. Among them was Diana’s older sister, which irritated Diana.

“Ignore them,” Margaret said in her ear. Diana turned and found her best friend dressed in a beautiful red dress with yellow trimmings. Her brown hair was smooth now, shimmering in the flickering candlelight. “They just cause trouble.”

“But my sister is listening,” Diana said and looked back at the group.

“Where?” Margaret said, her brow furrowed and craning her neck to see.

“What are you staring at?” Princess Adorèe sneered, causing Margaret to jump. Diana braced herself for another royal attack.

“Oh, I was just wondering why in the world you would be in this room,” Diana replied with mocking kindness. “I am pretty sure you are only twelve years old.”

“I just wanted to see my friends before they leave me, and assure those that do not leave—” she smirked at her “—that they will always have a place here in the palace.” Seeing Diana found this humorous, she said fiercely, “I also want to make sure that people like you, who cause another lord to lose their title, find their lives miserable. Poor Kieran will not be here tonight.”

“A shame,” Diana said bitterly. She stared at Adorèe. “You will regret mocking me. This next year, Lord Kieran will not be around to protect you, as well as you, Derrick,” Diana threatened. “Unlike you two, I know enough to defend myself against filthy royal blood like yours.” She looked at Adorèe. “You should take a leaf from your mother’s book. You seem to be opposites.”

“What—” Diana found Master Julius standing behind her and groaned. “Master, I’m sorry—”

“Sorry?” Master Julius said with surprise. “Sorry for me? Say it to them, rather. I told you to remember everything I taught you and here you are speaking to your peers in a negative manner! And you two,” he added, looking to Lord Derrick and Princess Adorèe. “You should know better than to start trouble with one who has given you trouble these past years.”

Princess Adorèe glared at Master Julius, intending to say something, but stormed off instead. Lord Derrick gave Diana a hard look before walking away. Master Julius gave Diana a stern look one last time before calling out, “Everyone line up! Alphabetically, please!”

Lady Diana and Lady Margaret split ways after a friendly hug. Diana found Autumn at the front of the line and ran up to her, despite Master Julius’ chastise. Lady Autumn’s empty brown eyes turned to Diana. “Yes, lady?”

Diana smiled weakly before hugging her older, taller sister. Autumn didn’t move a muscle, but seemed to tense up. “Good luck,” she whispered before withdrawing. Autumn’s expression, as usual, didn’t change.

“And may you have a splendid evening, m’lady,” Autumn said with a nod of her head. Diana stared at her, her smooth brown hair carefully brushed behind her shoulders, her brown eyes cold beneath her bangs. She wore a purple gown with gold trimmings, much like Diana wore periwinkle with gold trimmings.

“Diana! We must be going!” Master Julius hissed. Diana retreated to her spot after Lady Belle. The lords were in a line of their own. Diana looked over to her right and found Lord Derrick’s cold blue eyes regarding her with his own bitter disgust.

“Ladies and lords,” Master Julius called as loudly as he could over the taller people, “not all of you will be wed. If you do not wed, see it as a better chance for a more fitting lord. If you are wed, find it a blessing to move away from your studies.” A few chuckles traveled among the young nobles and tutors.

“This day should be a glorious day for everyone,” he continued. “Never have you all had a day to talk about your studies outside the library, talk about politics outside studies, consider the next step after this. Use this night to visit with your friends, make new friends. Present yourself the way you want everyone from the palaces of Tyroan, Gallium, and Frotham to remember you by. Do not make this day miserable for anyone.” He looked sternly from Derrick to Diana.

Master Julius turned and signaled the instructors to leave. They all waved to their respective students as they left through the golden doors, keeping them as closed as they could so as not to give away the young nobles. Master Julius walked up to Lady Autumn and Lord Arthur. “As soon as I tell you to leave, you will walk through these doors. The instructors will direct you to your rightful places. Pay attention.”

There were two knocks on the door. Master Julius jumped with excitement. “It is time to leave already!” Master Julius held open one door, a second tutor, who stayed behind without Diana realizing, held the other door open. They started walking to tremendous applause.

They turned down a pathway between the seats of clapping nobles. Diana looked around, but seeing all the cheerful and excited faces made her nervous. Her only comfort was Master Julius, and he was holding the door in the back.

They seemed to be walking for hours before they finally reached the front and the two lines split into separate ways. The ladies walked to the left and Diana caught a glimpse of how many people were there. It made Diana sick to find what seemed like thousands of people out there.

They turned to their right and lined up in front of the wall. Diana stood in front of the knight in armor. Though it was empty, it only added to Diana’s fears, the fear of getting chopped in half by a falling axe. They finally stopped and turned to face the lords on the other side of the room. Eight ladies and seven lords.

That was fifteen exactly. Someone wasn’t getting married this evening. Diana was afraid that person would be Lady Autumn. This was Lady Autumn’s last chance to be wed. If she wasn’t wed, she would become a servant of the palace. Diana couldn’t bear to see her sister lose her title too.

Diana looked to the front, hoping to take her mind off her fears. There sat both the king and queen of Tyroan. Lady Katherine wore a gorgeous green dress that complimented her green eyes. Her red hair was combed into a straight sheet. Next to her was her husband, the wretched king whose name was unknown to most nobles. He wore a handsome blue tunic to clash with his graying black hair. However, his cold blue eyes stood out against his blue tunic and hose.

To the Lady’s right were Queen Janette of Gallium and Queen Caroline of Frotham. To the king’s left were the two kings of the kingdoms.

“Why don’t we ever hear of the kings’ names?” Diana muttered absently.

“It creates a more fearful atmosphere,” Lady Belle replied. She was one of the ladies in the library that witnessed Diana’s fight with Kieran. She had smooth black hair with a small bunch of hair tied in the back. Her bangs were brushed absently behind her ears as she spoke. “Not knowing someone’s name causes peasants to fear their leaders, therefore there is a better chance they will obey them.”

“But we know the queens’ names,” Diana said.

“The kings are the true rulers, not the queens,” Lady Belle explained, her green eyes looking at Diana. “Has your instructor not taught you anything?”

Diana flushed and didn’t talk any more to Lady Belle.

The instructors were now filed in a two by seven rectangle, Master Julius standing in the front. Diana looked up to the king and queen, as did the whole audience. The queen looked to the king who looked back. Lady Katherine muttered something in his ear, causing the king to frown slightly. Finally, he stood up, the queen following suit.

Diana felt her stomach churn again as she looked at the king. Something about him made her nervous. She hoped he didn’t single her out. No matter what she always told herself, told Nana, told Master Julius or the queen, she didn’t want to talk to the king. He was certainly built in a handsome and strong manner. He didn’t seem like he wanted to be there. Diana felt herself step back, hoping to step out of his chilling aura.

“Congratulations to our young lords and ladies,” Lady Katherine spoke with a smile, her white teeth shining in the lights. “After thirteen years or more, you have graduated to the next level. Your future awaits you. You must take it willingly and handle everything that comes your way in a most diligent fashion. You may move away to your own estate, or you may remain in your palace, or you may travel countries—depending on your spouse, you will make your next decision.

“Not all of you will be wed, but there is no need to fear. You all deserve to be here: your graduation. Each one of you is a noble, even if things do not turn out the way you want them to. Do not give up. A proverb from an ancient people is one you must remember all your life: If you lose heart, you lose all.

“Master Julius,” Lady Katherine ended, motioning for Diana’s instructor to walk up the stairs to them and hand out the scroll. Lady Katherine smiled. “Thank you. You may all be seated,” she said. The instructors turned around and distributed themselves through the audience. Diana smiled when she found Master Julius sitting next to Mistress Anna. She now wished she knew the librarian a lot more.

Diana looked back up and saw the queen unroll the scroll. “I will call out the lord’s name first,” Lady Katherine explained, “then the lady’s. Once both names are called, they will walk out to the center to join hands, and wait for all the pairs to be made before the blessing. After the pairs and before the blessing, the parents will walk up and line up behind their respective sons, same for their daughters.

“Lord Julian of Frotham, Lady Belle of Tyroan.”

Lady Belle gasped. Diana smiled and put a comforting hand on her arm. Lady Belle was close to tears, but Lady Autumn on her other side would not do anything to comfort the lady. “Go on,” Diana muttered. Lady Belle had the need to hug Diana before she walked out to a rather handsome young man who looked to be a couple years older. He had wavy red hair and a charming smile. Diana was happy for Lady Belle as she watched them join hands, their eyes locked on each other.

Diana heard more names listed off, but she didn’t recognize them. Three ladies squealed as they received hugs from their neighbors and then walked out to their future husbands. Finally, Lady Katherine called out, “Lord Alexander of Gallium, Lady Margaret of Tyroan.”

Diana smiled and looked to her friend down the line who gaped at the queen with disbelief. Diana wanted more than anything to walk down there and hug her until Margaret wanted her to leave. Diana laughed cheerfully and Margaret smiled, putting her hands to her face. She stepped out of line and walked over to a young lord with blonde hair and blue eyes.

“Lord Derrick of Tyroan, Lady Diana of Tyroan.”

------------------------------------------------------

Please review! Very Happy


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Last edited by JabberHut on Fri Dec 21, 2007 11:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there! I love the ending of this chapter, dear. A little predictable I'm afraid but good nonetheless. I take it that Autumn is the one who didn't get a husband then? Awww. You did very well at making it possible for your reader to sympathise with her.

In general I liked this chapter though it did move quite slowly. I can understand that the pairing is important but maybe try to cut a little bit? For example, I think the arguments between Diana and Adoree last a bit too long. The reader is already very aware of the tension there so there's no need to build on it so much. The same for the tension with Derrick and if you cut that out a bit, the ending will be less predictable.

Some nice dialogue and description. I think you spent too long on characterizing Master Julius though. Even if he's important later on, it would be better to remove some of the thoughts on him and the hints about his fondness for Diana. Try to convey that through smaller actions - a slight smile here, a scowl at the others when they're talking with her.

And you keep going back to the nations and adding information that probably isn't all that necessary like the mention that the king and queen are wearing crowns . Just little things that don't add greatly to the story and drag it out a bit. Long, descriptive chapters are good but you need action too.

Then the usual list of small suggestions -

Never has had Diana seen braids in her hair. It was so curly; Diana didn’t think it hadn't considered that possible. However, Nana proved that wrong by making tiny braids in her hair and tying them together in the back. Her hair was still curly, but more curly than it ever has been . The soft locks had been tied into tight little braids and were fastened at the back with a neat, gold clip.

“You look like you're ready to marry,” Nana said.

She didn’t wait for Nana to open the door for her, because she heard her hiccup-gasp and try to hurry over. Diana just left, closing the door behind her. [This is awkward. Maybe 'She didn't wait for Nana to open the door for her. She heard her let out a sharp hiccup and knew what to expect. Before she could hurry over. Before Nana could wrap Diana in her arms she left the room. The door closed with a soft click.]

She recalled him pounding the table with his fist or and yelling at Diana for her effortless answers and misbehaviour.

Diana felt guilt build up inside as she saw the old woman walk quickly up to them. Diana was surprised at the pace such an old woman could walk at. [These two sentences could easily be combined. Perhaps 'Diana felt guilt build up inside as the woman walked over to them with a speed that exceeded Diana's expectations.]

“About Atlantis, and you're not pitiful! You’re the best tutor in all of Tyroan!” the librarian remarked. “We discussed whether it was once real or if it’s just a myth.”

That’s how it has had been taught: an unknown piece of history.

Master Julius looked up and chuckled at Diana’s face.

Among them was Diana’s older sister, which made Diana irritated. [Maybe 'which irritated Diana' would sound smoother?]

“I also want to make sure that people like people like you, who cause another lord to lose their title, find their life lives miserable.

Diana didn’t talk back, but she stared at Adorèe. “You will regret ever mocking me. This next year, Lord Kieran will not be around to protect you, as well as you, Derrick,” Diana threatened. [You can't say Diana didn't talk back and then have her talk back! Way to confuse your reader.]

Diana looked over to her right and found Lord Derrick’s cold blue eyes regarding her with his own bit of disgust. [Maybe 'bitter' rather than bit of?]

“The king’s kings are the true rulers, not the queens,” Lady Belle explained, her green eyes looking at Diana.

Diana’s felt her stomach churn again as she looked at the king.

Three ladies squealed as they received hugs from their neighbours and finally then walked out to their future husbands. Finally, Lady Katherine called out, “Lord Alexander of Gallium, Lady Margaret of Tyroan.”

Diana wanted more than anything to walk down there and hug her until she Margaret wanted her to leave.

Other than that, it's nicely written and I look forward to Diana's reaction. Keep up the good work dear,

Heather xx

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh! Such a wonderfully long, embarrassing critique, kitty! Thanks so much! Very Happy *hugs for Heather!*

I made the changes and the revised version is currently up now.

Jabber, the One and Only!

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 1:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, the first thing I want to say is that the ending was wonderful. As Kitty said, in some ways it was a little predictable, but at the same time, it wasn't. I was half expecting Diana to be the one with out a partner.

Quote:
“And may you have a splendid evening, m’lady,” Autumn said with a nod of her head. Diana stared at her, her smooth brown hair carefully brushed behind her shoulders, her brown eyes cold beneath her bangs. She wore a purple gown with gold trimmings, much like Diana wore periwinkle with gold trimmings.


This seems a little awkward. Maybe you could say something like "She wore a purple gown with gold trimmings, much like Diana's periwinkle one." I think something along those lines will seem less awkward.

Other than that, I don't think I noticed much that Kitty hasn't already mentioned.

As always, I really liked this. Keep writing!!

-Sorceress

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