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On Broken Wings
On Broken Wings

by CastlesInTheSky in Advanced Critiques
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on January 21, 2008
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Finding Atlantis (Ch. 6, pt. A)

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JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:39 pm    Post subject: Finding Atlantis (Ch. 6, pt. A) Reply with quote

It took me the longest time to think of something. And even still, the sixth chapter is not completed. Feel free to rip and tear to shreds. Second part will come up soon.

Chapter 6

Knock, knock.

Diana didn’t move from the window sill. She ignored the knocker, staring out at the training grounds where a couple knights practiced their swordplay. Tears welled up in her eyes, the heavy silence was too much to bear. She wanted Nana. Her company was all she desired.

Knock, knock.

“Diana, I know you are there.”

It was Margaret. Diana turned her head towards the door, leaning it against the window. “Come in,” she said softly. She didn’t feel much like talking.

Margaret quietly opened the door and closed it behind her. Her brown eyes looked up to Diana, flipping her smooth hair from her eyes. “I heard you were leaving.”

“Why are you here?” Diana asked, ignoring her comment. “If someone sees you here during afterhours, you’ll be punished.”

“It is worth the risk,” Margaret muttered, more to herself than Diana. “You are leaving tomorrow morning. I will never see you again.”

Diana wanted to cry again. Not only did she lose Nana, but she would lose her best friend as well. Margaret walked over to the window and watched Diana.

“I didn’t think life could get this bad,” Diana said, holding back her tears.

Margaret didn’t hold back at all. Tears sprang from her eyes and she threw her arms around her friend in a tight embrace. “I will miss you, Diana,” she said in between hiccups.

They didn’t let go of each other, both letting their tears flood down their cheeks and into their friend’s shoulder. Diana felt terrible. How could life suddenly topple down hill? First Nana, then Master Julius, Lord Derrick, and Margaret—she felt so alone. Lady Julia was no mother to her and provided no comfort.

Margaret finally withdrew, but she, like Diana, looked awful. Her eyes were puffy, her cheeks glimmering in the candlelight, her hair, once beautiful, was a mess. Margaret wiped her cheeks, taking a deep breath. Diana followed her lead, taking a deep breath. She smiled, thinking how silly they must have looked, and Margaret smiled back.

“Alexander is a wonderful man,” Margaret said. She took a moment before continuing. Diana listened to her friend’s words, every last one of them. “However, he is not you, Diana.”

Diana smiled, her hands itched to hug her again, but she kept still. “You better get to bed,” she said softly, not trusting her voice. Hiccups still made their way up Diana’s throat. “I wouldn’t want you to get caught.”

Margaret smiled weakly. They embraced each other once more before Margaret, with much difficulty, turned and left Diana’s room in a flash. Diana’s head fell onto the window frame as she watched her leave. She cried again when the door closed. She looked out the window, hoping some peaceful picture would comfort her, but all she saw was a familiar face successfully knocking another knight to the ground. Their young laughs were heard even through Diana’s window, and made Diana cry even harder. She soon fell fast asleep.

***

“M’lady, the carriage is here.”

Diana groaned as she forced her eyelids to open. She looked up at the young serving woman. Diana had asked her to wake her up when her carriage was here, hoping to do what she promised and arrive there before either Lord Damian or Derrick.

“Thank you, Marie,” Diana muttered, sitting up her position and groaned as she felt a crick in her neck from sleeping against the window. Marie looked worried, but Diana only shooed her aside as she went to change into her traveling clothes. “Are my belongings taken care of?”

“Yes, m’lady,” Marie said, rushing to the lady’s side for assistance. “The luggage carriage arrived an hour ago. You were sound asleep even as we came in to pack your belongings.”

Diana nodded, still exhausted. The truth was, she couldn’t sleep at all last night. She never noticed, but the knights had woken up to train hours before dawn, and don’t get to sleep until hours into the night. She wondered if that always happened and the comfort of her bed kept her sound asleep. Whatever it was, she was never going to worry about it again.

Marie tied up the strings of Diana’s traveling gown. No one spoke, Diana still feeling depressed, when Diana’s fell on the mysterious lockbox on her bedside table. Marie didn’t pack it up, but Diana had to bring it with her. It seemed too important to just leave around the palace.

“There you are, m’lady,” Marie said and Diana immediately ran to the other side of the room and picked up the lockbox. It was still its very light weight, the gold seeming to not smudge under her fingertips.

Diana looked to Marie. “This must be packed with my belongings,” she said hurriedly. She gave it to Marie. “I can’t hold it myself. If Lord Damian and Derrick set their eyes on just the gold, they’ll be selling on the black market. Stow it away with my things, please.”

“O-of course, m-m’lady,” Marie said, not ready with a response. “I wasn’t aware of this.”

“It’s quite alright,” Diana reassured, though she was glad she got it before she left. “Just put it away. I have to go.”

“This way, m’lady,” Marie said with a quick bow before leaving through the door. Diana didn’t move right away. She looked around her huge room, a room filled with thirteen years’ worth of memories—memories with Nana.

Diana finally turned around and walked out the door, closing it behind her. She caught up with Marie and they flew down the stairs and around corners. Diana had no reason to stop by any rooms, to see anyone for the last time. She said her good-byes yesterday. There was no need for Diana to shed those same tears again.

“Right outside here, m’lady,” Marie said, halting at the bottom of the golden stairs. Diana hadn’t noticed her cloak draped over Marie’s arm the whole trip downstairs. She must have been too distracted with her thoughts to notice. Marie held it up and set it over Diana’s shoulders, tying it beneath her chin.

“The carriage is right outside,” Marie continued, leading the way to the front doors. Diana followed, their heels echoing in the enormous hall. The guards up front opened the doors for Diana and Marie to walk outside. Diana hesitated. She never stepped a foot outside the palace walls. Marie looked at her, wondering what was the matter.

Diana stepped outside and took a deep breath of the strange air. There was a sweet smell in the air, a smell that wafted from the flowers nearby. From behind the palace, sunlight streamed down upon the kingdom in front of her. The golden carriages sparkled in the light, the coachmen straightened themselves at the sight of a noble.

“M’lords will arrive shortly,” Marie promised and abandoned her for the palace. Diana stepped down the stairs for the coach. The coachmen bowed lowly as she approached them and halted in front of them. One of the men opened a door to allow her to enter.

“Just a moment,” Diana said, holding a finger up, mimicking a sweet tone. “My dear husband is dreadfully slow this morning.” The coachmen would never smile at this, but Diana’s small giggle and innocent look sent a rush of color to their cheeks.

“A bit early,” called a familiar drawl. Diana clenched her teeth, forcing herself to keep her pleasant look, and turned around to see Lord Damian leading his son down the marble steps.

“I said I would be waiting for you, did I not?” Diana replied.

“You are the first to arrive, but the last to enter the carriage,” he replied as he stepped into the coach. Derrick smirked as he followed his father. Diana sighed exasperatedly before she entered the coach as well. She seated herself next to Derrick, seeing as Lord Damian refused to make room.

“Where is your mother?” Diana asked Derrick, smoothing the wrinkles in her traveling gown.

“She will arrive on her own,” Derrick replied bitterly.

“We must leave!” Lord Damian called sternly to the front. Diana heard a gasp from the driver before the carriage started rolling down the large hill for the street. Diana was half excited because she never saw the kingdom for real—only paintings from years ago during the Wonderful Century. She peered out the window of the carriage. They were finally leaving through the huge golden gates.

“Where are we headed, Father?” Derrick asked. Diana looked up from the boring landscape to Lord Damian.

“The Northern Meadows,” Lord Damian replied. “It is a fairly new land. I bought it from a landowner in Gallium. The man was obviously new to business,” he muttered with a careless wave of his hand. “It was too good of a price to refuse. I do hope to see him again.”

“A new estate, Father? Really?” Derrick’s eyes sparked with enthusiasm. He was nearly on the edge of his seat. Diana rolled her eyes. She really didn’t care about the situation. She knew as well as anyone in the carriage that she would have no power over the estate.

“I’ve had it long enough to tame the residents,” Lord Damian said. “I would consider having it longer, but your mother convinced me it would be a worthy experience for you to raise an estate yourself. You can thank your mother.”

Diana’s lips pursed as Derrick commented. Diana looked out the window, seeing as they were finally in some part of town worthy of examining. Her mouth dropped open at the sight.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope to keep this story up. I have an amazing idea for later on. The hardest part is getting there, lol. Reviews appreciated. Smile


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There wasn't a lot I noticed in here that really needed help, but here's what I noticed.

Quote:
They didn’t let go of each other, both letting their tears flood down their cheeks and into their friend’s shoulder.


I don't think this will really make a difference, but I think it might sound better to have 'shoulder' be plural.

Quote:
Margaret wiped her cheeks, taking a deep breath. Diana followed her lead, taking a deep breath.


This seems a bit repetitive. You might want to come up with an alternative to using 'taking a deep breath' a second time. Maybe you could say something along the lines of 'Diana followed her lead, inhaling the scent of [fill in whatever the room smells like]'

Quote:
but all she saw was a familiar face successfully knocking another knight to the ground.


Who was the familiar face? I didn't quite understand that. Was it someone we know? Why was it familiar?

Quote:
“Yes, m’lady,” Marie said, rushing to the lady’s side for assistance.


Two things about this. The first, and you can ignore this one if you want to, it seems a bit odd that you're suddenly referring to Diana as 'the lady'. I suppose it doesn't really matter, it just seemed a bit out of place. The second is that you make it sound like Marie is the one who needs assistance. Maybe you could say something more like 'rushing to the lady's side to assist her.'

Quote:
She never noticed, but the knights had woken up to train hours before dawn, and don’t get to sleep until hours into the night.


I think it might fit better if you say 'the knights had awakened'. Saying 'woken up' seems a bit awkward. Also, you changed tenses toward the end.

Quote:
The coachmen bowed lowly as she approached them


I'm not positive, but I'm not sure if this is a correct usage of the word 'lowly'. I could be wrong, but it might be something you want to check just in case.

Hope this helped. Keep writing!

-Sorceress

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