Topic ID: 25172
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Kadie
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 166
Reviews: 38
Country: Sheffield, UK
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 5:10 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
Lol, thankyou summergrl13 
I think the stars represent the number of reveiws you have given, and your forum status depends on your post count, or something like that.
But i'm glad you liked my story
Kadie xxx |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Crispy
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 15 Dec 2007
Posts: 35
Reviews: 26
Country: UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 12:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| a gr8 story, keepup the good work.. |
_________________
Chris Pegg!! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Crispy
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 15 Dec 2007
Posts: 35
Reviews: 26
Country: UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 12:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| a gr8 story, keepup the good work.. |
_________________
Chris Pegg!! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Bella
KITTY!!! ^.^
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 2483
Reviews: 132
Country: Wherever my stars may lead me - preferably Chicago - which isn't a country...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I love your sense of description...I can so clearly picture everything. It shows how much the narrator pays attention to the Art Boy.
| Quote: |
| he was always to busy drawing to notice me. |
| Quote: |
| He couldn’t just forget it could he? No. He has to make me even more embarrassed. |
Those are the only two mistakes I could find that really destracted me. In the first one "to" should be "too". In the second, you seemed to have some trouble with changing tenses.
Wonderful job, bravo!!
~Bella~ |
_________________
Got YWS? (pshyesss!)
I put my little brother into my NaNoWriMo just so my main character could kill him. <.<
>.> |
|
| Back to top |
|
myfreindsavamp
run away!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 2319
Reviews: 111
Country: In a vampire's world
100 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:37 pm Post subject: that was so funny |
|
|
the part about when she finds out that he was scetching her made me laugh out loud.^,^
-em |
_________________
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic39483.html <*Yay?*
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. ~me
Don't join the dark side! Their cookies went bad. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Em
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 59
Reviews: 30
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 5:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
Can I have Art Boy's number please?
Or maybe a younger brother of Art Boy's?
Haha, this is so up my alley you wouldn't believe.
=P |
_________________
Did you say cow?-I heard cow. |
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
You belong with me
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1208
Reviews: 692
Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 12:38 am Post subject: |
|
|
Okay, I thought this was just a really cute story. That was adorable how she was so nervous and yet he liked her anyway. There were only a few things I noticed:
| Quote: |
| He has two perfect rows of perfect white teeth, not a single one crooked or out of place. |
I would change this to He has two rows of perfect white teeth, not a single tooth askew or out of place.
| Quote: |
| Now he’d caught me staring he probably thought I was a freak or a loser or something. |
I would fix this so it reads Now he'd caught me staring. He probably thought I was a freak, a loser, or something.
| Quote: |
I was sending him lots of angry vibes and mental messages, telling him to stop looking at smirking at me.
|
The only thing here was that it should be I was sending him lots of angry vibes and mental messages, telling him to stop looking or smirking at me, or whatever he was doing!
| Quote: |
| “I was not blushing! I was just...um...I was just cold!” It was a good job that there was hardly anyone on the bus, because at this point I was slightly hysterical, and my volume level was perhaps a little too high. |
Instead of It was a good job, it should be It was a good thing that there were harldy anyone on the bus, because at this point I was slightly hysterical and my volume level was perhaps a little too high.
| Quote: |
| “Um...ok,” I said a little hesitantly. What was with the sudden change? One minute he’s teasing me and acting all arrogant, the next he’s acting all nervous and letting me look at his art. Maybe he’s bipolar. |
Okay, the only reason I put this in here because this line made me smile *beams* because of the bipolar thing. It just made me laugh! 
Overall, it was an adorable piece. The only thing I think you could do to improve it is to maybe start with a more gripping hook to draw your reader in and that you could use some more description in your story. Otherwise, I found this really enjoyable to read! |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
Writing for love is a pas
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 254
Reviews: 79
Country: none ya (US)
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 10:59 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| As soon as I read that, my heart skipped a beat! The love was just so overwhelming that my own heart felt as if it were in the story,I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
_________________
Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
|
| Back to top |
|
betsyy
Novice
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 06 Apr 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 9
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:41 am Post subject: |
|
|
omfg,
i.freakin.love.it
man,this remind me of my past.
you deserve 89,215,563,464,556,425 stars =D
its such a cute,flirty,and mysterious story.
i'm going to post your story on myspace & my website.
that's how much i love it.
this needs to be a series
like n o w |
_________________
wants you bleeders |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kadie
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 166
Reviews: 38
Country: Sheffield, UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 1:52 am Post subject: |
|
|
Ok, betsyy i've sent you a PM.
To everyone else, please do not post my work around the net. It's against the site rules, which you should have read, to post other peoples work without their permission. I'm pretty sure it's a bannable offense.
Betsyy i'm really glad that you liked my story, but i do not want it posted around the net. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Chanahbanana
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 08 Apr 2008
Posts: 23
Reviews: 14
Country: Scotland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 10:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Awwwwwww That Was amazing
I loved that! 
I got no critiques though...really great! |
_________________
The Perfect Person, Is The Imperfect Person That's Not Afraid To Show It..=) |
|
| Back to top |
|
lone-flower
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Apr 2008
Posts: 46
Reviews: 27
Country: Philippines and proud!
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 11:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
I know you're probably tired of other people's comments by now. Especially since we say almost the same thing over and over again. I'm afraid I'm going to have to strain your patience quota a bit more by saying, I LOVED THIS!
I wish it would happen to me. Except I'm not exactly looking forward to making out the minute I step off a bus. Once again, I'm going to echo previous comments by saying it was too rushed. Still, great job! *thumbs up* |
_________________
They tell me I'm a lazy lump of waste.
I'm just too humble to show them my genius
Want a review? PM me! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kadie
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 166
Reviews: 38
Country: Sheffield, UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Lol, don't worry i never get tired of people saying they like my work ^^
And yeah, when i eventually get round to rewriting this, i'll slow it down a little bit 
Thanks for the comments, which are still coming months later lol.
Kadie x |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
