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Begged, Borrowed
Begged, Borrowed

by CastlesInTheSky in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on February 6, 2008
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The Process.

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Loose   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:31 am    Post subject: The Process. Reply with quote

English homework.

The Process.

Fluid surrounded my pale body, filling my lungs as I struggled for breath. Around me, the rest of my class groaned and begged in gargles and spits. Their pleas were muffled and their words went unheard. I wasn't panicking like they were. I tried to stay calm because I knew it was right. In a way, this was our transition into adulthood. We would leave this bath mature, with a new perspective of life. We, sons of the soil would no longer carry on in our cold homes thinking the sky's the limit. No, we would have our future planned, set out for us. We will be ready.

Rising out of the liquid by a force we could not control, we found ourselves able to breath again. Our tanned bodies lay across vicious silver bars that dug violently into our backs, but we still felt safe. The force tired and the cage relaxed. I searched my class. Most of their bodies lay limp and I prayed to the high heavens that they had merely passed out. Any other thoughts seemed inconceivable. It was not supposed to happen like this. We were meant to return to the world different in more ways than just our looks. We were meant to change for the better. Our lives were never supposed to be put at risk. Or lost.

Grief at the realisation that I may have been the sole survivor attempted to overpower me. I tried to push it away, but the thought was all too possible. Something else was becoming apparent in my suddenly meaningless life. The ground beneath me was moving. With the jerks and shakes of our cage, the lifeless bodies of my companions tossed and turned. I followed suit. I felt nauseous, and my head ached. My sense of reality must have been distorted because I felt upside down. No, I really was upside down. My friends began to fall out of our cage and onto a soft, grey bed beneath.

The fall was terrifying. As I hit the cushion beneath, I realised it was not as comfortable as I had assumed. I felt my body tear in half. At first, I could only feel pain, but then my body numbed and my head felt weak. I died watching the grey floor embrace us.

"Who ordered four dollars worth of chips?"


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"I was never more certain of how far away I was from my goal than when I was standing right beside it."- Vincent, Gattaca


Last edited by Loose on Wed Feb 06, 2008 9:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Myth   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 11:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello!

To be honest I thought this was going to be something about suicide and almost didn’t continue reading, but I liked the way it turned out they weren’t actually humans.

Two things you might want to consider changing:

[...] the rest of my class [...] Class doesn’t sound the right word, maybe ‘brothers’ would work since it seems like they are soldiers of some sort?

And: Us sons of the soil [...] could be ‘We’

Good luck with the piece, and let me know how you score.

Myth

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow.
This was creepy... I don't think I'll ever look at a potato the same way again o.O
Good job on vocabulary usage n stuff though. Very nice.

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 6:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks.
The task was to take something boring and make it interesting.
Hope I achieved that.

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"I was never more certain of how far away I was from my goal than when I was standing right beside it."- Vincent, Gattaca
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 5:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice piece just a few things I noticed:

Quote:
We, sons of the soil would no longer carry on in our cold homes thinking the sky's the limit. No, we would have our future planned, set out for us.


Not sure but I think it would sound better without the comma after 'we'.

Quote:
Grief at the realisation that I may have been the sole survivor attempted to overpower me.


Realization is spelt wrong and I think this is written in present tense right? so I think it would sound better typed "Grief at the realization that I might be the sole survivor overpowered me."

Quote:
As I hit the cushion beneath, I realised

Realized is also spelt wrong here.

All in all it's very nice and very cryptic I like it a lot.
There are a few places where it sounds a little choppy because of the punctuation but other than that, good job.

Julia
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, realisation is spelt correctly.

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"I was never more certain of how far away I was from my goal than when I was standing right beside it."- Vincent, Gattaca
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 9:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Uh...this is different. Which is probably a good thing. XD Man, I thought it was about humans for a minute there and couldn't stop reading. Anyway, I think you did a really good job on it.

And you did achieve your goal here.

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