Topic ID: 26202
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adriangarcia
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 Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 4:31 am Post subject: I Held Time in my Hand |
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I Held Time in my Hand
I held time in my hand
and would not let it go.
My cold hands imprisoned
the golden force. I felt
its pleading call and witnessed
its fluttering heartbeat.
I tightened my fingers so
the blood escaped the extremity
of my swollen palm. Still,
Time struggled to free himself
still warm and lively.
His fallen tears gathered into
a small pool in my palm. Its
breath casted dark winds against
my flesh. But my hands would
not cease.
Exhaustion crept throughout
my arm and traveled to my body.
Time's tiny fists beat fiercely against
the chambers that withheld it.
The silence and space between
him and I deafened and stupefied me.
I held Time in my hand
and would not let it go.
Now, I write these few verses
with a shaky, surreal hand.
The strength and naivety that
once captured Time are defeated.
No longer can these hands capture.
I know this now.
I held Time in my hand. |
Last edited by adriangarcia on Fri Feb 22, 2008 5:05 am; edited 1 time in total |
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totalSNIPER
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| Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 4:57 am Post subject: |
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| i like it..very nice job......keep up the good work^_^ |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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I like it very well written and good content. I like it. I don't don't see anything that needs to be critiqued for right now so keep up the good work!!  :
TTYL SimonCowellLuver |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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| Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there Adrian,
I like this, quite a bit. You personified time nicely and have some beautiful imagery, it all helps your poem flow, and the reader connect. The repetition was done well, allowing for enough time between the lines so that it didn't jar at all. Nicely done.
One line I did not like was here:
"him and I deafened and stupefied me. "
I think you should nix "and stupefied" completely. It touches a lot harder without it.
And your last stanza (not the stand alone sentence) is a bit of a worry. You were going so well, then suddenly we don't know what happened anymore, it's switched to the persona writing. I think this has so much potential, could go for another stanza or two nicely with descriptions. But you just leave up with this non-ending, in terms of the events. Some explanation would be lovely, or even a suggestive ending without the explanation? This stanza doesn't do it for me, really, lol.
That said, I do quite like this, if you do anything with the ending or the rest pf the poem, please Pm me, I'd like to see the results.
Nice work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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olivia1987uk
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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Yet again, nice work Adrian!
I love the effect you created by starting a new sentence without starting a new line...I don't know how you did this but it somehow created more emotion for me, the reader...
Post more, because I'm running out of your stuff to review! Hahaha!
Cheers me dears |
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vixeyt
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: |
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| It was a very interesting poem. Not the sort of poem I would normally read and like so congratulations! |
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yukidizon
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 8:30 am Post subject: |
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very interesting; i've never read anything like it before.
i like how you wrote it and expressed it in fitting words.
keep up the good work! |
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Cjean
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| Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 3:35 am Post subject: |
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i like the personification in this, and i especially like the 5th stanza. : )
loves itt;; |
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Rodhead
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| Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 5:34 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Adrian
I liked this poem alot...
You did a nice job, i like the way you repeated the line 'i held time in my hand' by dong this it added something to th poem and kept the theme going throughout the poem, well done. Keep up th good work:). |
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XavierJohnson123
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| Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: Review |
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I loved your poem and your words flowed so beautifully, but why did this person hold time in his hands? What was he lingering unto? What couldn't he let go or what did he want to salvage from time. I understand that he wrestled with it. That he held it tight and refused to let go. But why? I want to get into this persons head. I want to understand what he is thinking. I want to know why? You have a pretty good piece here and I enjoyed it a lot. I just wish that you added more definition to the means behind holding time and let the reader become aware of what this person was going through. I loved it though, really I did. You write just like me and I can definitely relate to you. Good Job!
As a writer, we have to engage the reader and allow the reader to understand the depth of a character we write about. We want the reader to understand who the person is, what they are going through, and what do they want to accomplish from their given situation. Good luck and continue writing! |
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