Topic ID: 27014
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niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
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 Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:14 pm Post subject: The Kiss |
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Your eyes,
pure ponds of blue,
stare into mine,
muddy piles of brown.
Your arms wrap
around my waist
and I wonder
if your heart is beating
as fast as mine.
The sun highlights
your sand-hued hair
as we run up the bleachers.
Can it be
that it's been
six whole months
and still our lips
haven't touched?
We sit for a while
in deserted stands
bathing in
the sunlight's glow.
Standing up now,
our hands intertwined,
the sun blinding us
to everything else.
Like two magnets,
our faces rush together,
preparing for the crash.
I am fulfilling
my greatest daydream,
yet there is no satisfaction.
Kissing a statue
with wooden lips
and metal eyes
would feel no different.
As I break away,
you vanish into dawn,
the lie swept away
by a new morning.
I get up
and put on my glasses,
so maybe I'll stop living
in blind obession. |
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Last edited by niteowl on Thu Apr 03, 2008 8:50 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Corvin Vandra
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| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 11:27 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. The ending really threw me. Awesome poem though, great flow, great rhythm, great everything. Just a few quick things.
"Standing up now,
our hands intertwined,
the sun blinding us
to everything outside"
Aren't they outside? It probably means everything outside of their little fantasy, but still a muddied line. Maybe change 'outside' to 'else' or 'around us'?
Other than that little misunderstanding on my part the poem was amazing.
~Corvin Vandra |
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shanan-cat
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 12:00 am Post subject: |
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WOW!
*stares blankly at the screen*
That was absolutely amazing, especially the ending. The only thing that threw me off was the fact that it didn't rhyme and the a lot of the sections had different amount of lines. The poem made sentence but it really bugged me, I think that it personally took away form that poem the fact that it didn't rhyme.
I just like poems that rhyme and i think that i speak for everyone when I say that I would prefer it better if it were rhyming.
shanan-cat doing my job!
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Liz
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 12:02 am Post subject: |
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Hm..I liked a lot of the imagery you used here, but I wasn't too sure about the premise and much of it seemed overwritten to me, too vague.
If you're going to do the 'I woke up and it was all a dream" thing, you have to be original about it. It felt like a cop-out.
| Quote: |
Your eyes,
ponds of crystalline blue,
stare into mine,
mere piles of muddy brown. |
Again, a standard start to a relationship-poem. I really like your description of eyes as ponds, that was unique, but your adjectives dont work. Here you have great powerful nouns but they're crowded by adjectives like "crystalline blue".
Anyway, not too bad, could be good if you combed the whole thing & questioned each adjective - does it add or detract from your description? |
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aestar101
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 12:50 am Post subject: |
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That was lovely, awesome, spetactular....... I'm such a sucker for romance!!! Lover the rythmn and th imagery. That just... WOW... blew me away. Keep writing  |
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Rei
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 12:58 am Post subject: |
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Very nice, and I liked the way you ended it. Not what I expected, and made me enjoy it a whole lot more. I do have one nitpick, though:
"as I have longed to do so for so long"
That sounds a little corny. |
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Orange boy
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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| very nice poem. The imagery was very good kept me wanting to read more though in some lines i see some unneeded words, repeated words. other than that great. |
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ashleylee
is really behind on reviewing. Sorry Everyone!
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:00 am Post subject: |
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"Wow" pretty much sums up this poem. This was an amazing piece of literature.*stares in complete awe*
This is a really amazing poem. The end was so suprising and yet so fitting for this that it made it so worth it to read!
Wonderful Job  |
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niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for all the comments. I did make a few changes.
Corvin: You're right. I changed it.
Liz: The assignment was to write about a dream. Hence the "It was all a dream" thing. Because it was. I did try taking out some adjectives and re-working that waking up bit. Not sure if it's any better.
Rei: That line sucks. It always sucked, but I couldn't think of anything better. But I just did, so I changed it. |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 8:48 pm Post subject: |
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wow! really good poem, especially loved the ending.
this bothered me the most:
"Standing up now,
our hands intertwined,
the sun blinding us
to everything around us."
instead of saying us both times, why say "the sun blinding me/ to everything around us" or "the sun blinding us/ to everything around". just a suggestion. other than that, good work! |
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RandomGrrl
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 4:44 am Post subject: |
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| Wow wow wow! Great. I can't find a thing to crit! |
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RandomGrrl
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 4:45 am Post subject: |
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| Darn... Just realized I've brought up another month old post... Sorry everyone! |
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Chanahbanana
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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i think this poem was pretty amazing.. i love how you have compared the boy to a statue ...
Kissing a statue
with wooden lips
and metal eyes
would feel no different.
the last 3 versus really blew me away..amazing work x |
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Lady of Fire
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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| this is really good. you can feel the emotion threw your writing. it blew me away. |
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[deleted1]
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: Re: The Kiss |
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| niteowl wrote: |
Your eyes,
pure ponds of blue,
stare into mine,
muddy piles of brown.
Your arms wrap
around my waist
and I wonder
if your heart is beating
as fast as mine.
The sun highlights
your sand-hued hair
as we run up the bleachers.
Can it be
that it's been
six whole months
and still our lips
haven't touched?
We sit for a while
in deserted stands
bathing in
the sunlight's glow.
Standing up now,
our hands intertwined,
the sun blinding us
to everything else.
Like two magnets,
our faces rush together,
preparing for the crash.
I am fulfilling
my greatest daydream,
yet there is no satisfaction.
Kissing a statue
with wooden lips
and metal eyes
would feel no different.
As I break away,
you vanish into dawn,
the lie swept away
by a new morning.
I get up
and put on my glasses,
so maybe I'll stop living
in blind obession. |
I love this. I love how you can feel the emtion into wanting to kiss someone but in your dream it proved to be nothing special. I love the rhythm and rhyming in this. This is amazing. Keep up the good work!
-Rick. |
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