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deafwriter_19
feels bad for beating up his avatar
Novelist
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Age: 15
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 378
Reviews: 110
Country: The Lacrymosa of A Deaf Teenager's Mind
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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| This was so brilliant. I could actually feel the tension from the narrator--battling religion with his lust for the guy. You gave it the right amount of detail to make it erotic, but not pornographic. However, I think since the guy is in lust you could describe what made him lust after the lover. I loved the inner conflicts, but however I think you can make it more fresh--a bit more conflict. Is religion all that is forbidding them? What about the guy's parents? It was a wonderful story, just a little more insight sooner--I actually thought at first that it was a woman and a man trying to make love until I reached the word "boxers." Extremely good, just needs a deeper dig. |
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KJ
The shortest answer is doing the thing
Speaker of the Forum
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Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 628
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Country: USA
169 Points
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hey. I thought this a good piece. You did well with the internal struggles of your MC. Only thing I would've liked is a little detail. We have no idea who these characters are. We're just immediately dumped into the sex. How did it lead up to this moment? Was there any hesitation before they began this? Are they friends?
Otherwise, I liked it. Be watching for more. |
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Summerless
Senior Writer
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Joined: 16 Apr 2008
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Country: United States
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
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This was a powerful piece. You described everything well and it fit the quiet, clandestine setting. This is definitely worth a gold star.
I hope to read more of your writing in the future.
Well done. |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
Senior Writer
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Joined: 21 Mar 2008
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384 Points
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:07 am Post subject: |
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ahhh, such a controversial topic to post a story about. i'm glad you didn't come right out and state that the MC was a guy--it made it much more powerful when i looked back and said, "Oh."
you portrayed in a much more accurate and flowing way than i did in a story ten times as long as this(that i trashed before i finished) what homosexuality/bisexuality is like to someone of faith, and what it can do to the indecisive mind.
indecisive...like mine. |
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chyeahmclovinx3
Junior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 12 Feb 2008
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Reviews: 18
Country: united states
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:12 pm Post subject: |
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ahh, like everyone said, this was very moving.
you are a super good writer, i like it [: |
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thething912
Novelist
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Joined: 01 Sep 2007
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Country: America
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:25 pm Post subject: |
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| You could really feel the emotion in it. Nice job. |
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