Topic ID: 29546
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OverEasy
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 Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 10:58 pm Post subject: Mommy |
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(Chorus)
It’s cold outside, mommy
And I wish you were here
‘Cause being alone
Just enhances my fear
(Verse 1)
It’s lonely here, mommy
I wish you could see
What a beautiful women
Your girls turned to be
(Verse 2)
I miss you dear mommy
Can you hear my voice?
I’m standing here waiting
To be your first choice
(Chorus)
(Bridge)
I know some day you will see me.
And maybe that day is today.
I’m still your baby mommy
My love has not run away.
(Chorus)
(Bridge 2)
Because being alone
Just enhances my fear. |
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deafwriter_19
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 11:13 pm Post subject: |
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These lyrics are pretty good, but they seem pretty on the surface. I want you to bring up memories. Of the cold verse, say "Remember when you used to bring me to the fire."
Also there are some grammar mistakes like "What a beautiful women your girls..." I'm assuming you're going to plural, so take the a out.
I like the light ending. But it just needs polish and the suggestions above. |
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tennisprincess
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 1:01 am Post subject: |
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These were certainly original.
They were great overall.
No suggestions..
Uhm...
the only thing I had issues with was the beat.
Sometime it seemed kind of off although mainly it was great.
I can sense the effort here and it really is an amazing piece you have here.
Love the ending and beginning.
As I said; very original.
Never heard stuff like this hereabouts.
Great job.
8.5/10
PM me sometime. |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 2:52 am Post subject: |
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Nice. Now, lyrics aren't my strong point, but I tend to be quite harsh sometimes.
Overall I liked it, but it was a little simple. The tune I put to it was very common and repetitive. Please don't be offended, not many people (myself included!) are good songwriters, and this was a sweet song.
I had nothing wrong with the lyrics or anything, I'd just suggest putting a little more in, and perhaps giving the chorus a slightly different tune.
Please don't be offended, I don't really know what I'm talking about much, so feel free to ignore me! |
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[deleted1]
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 2:00 am Post subject: |
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Wow, Tiff, this is really good. I love the rhythem and flow in this. I love how you carefully chose a perferct on-going flow from start to finish. Good job. Keep it up!
-Rick. |
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YoungWalter
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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I really like this as a well structured piece of poetry, the rhyme scheme (A,B,C,B) isnt too plain but retains a nice rhythmic simplicity, and the syllable sceme isnt too bad either.
I'm a stickler for structured syllables but this one gets away with a varied one rather well, the 6,5,6,5 syllable stanza creating a lovely rhythm when used that i think mimics the voice of a child, giving the phrase Mommy more depth.
My favourite part is Verse two due to its perfect 6,5,6,5 syllable scheme and the monosyllabic 2nd and 4th lines that really send over the killer phrases with the real emotion in them, "Can you hear my voice?" and "To be your first choice". The rhetorical question in the first quotation is truly emotive and stayed with me as i continued to read the piece.
Well done on this one, I hope to see more of a similar thread. If any criticism can be made, I do think that keeping the same syllable scheme throughout holds together the rhythm very well and re-phrasing of line 3, verse 1, "What a beautiful women" would be a final touch as you simply seem to have missed a stumble of tense.
thanks, Walter |
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Someguy
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 7:35 pm Post subject: y |
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My method to know if it's a good lyric is to kinda make your own 'song' with the lyric, but I couldn't do it with this lyric.
I tried really hard. The words are beautiful and so strong and the entire idea is well put together.
The only problem is the last verse. Just 2 lines...while the rest is just 4 lines each. That's kinda funky.
But anyway, I liked the lines and I love the depth of the lyric, but I could put my own stupid song with it and that for me, tells me that it is a great lyric, but not a great song. |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 9:32 am Post subject: |
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Hi OverEasy,
I've been wanting to critique some of your writing for quite some time and I thought starting here may be good.
I enjoyed reading these lyrics and other than Someguy I found it quite easy to make it my own (in my case sing it). You have a nice flow that continues throughout the whole song and it's nice and simple.
(Chorus)
It’s cold outside, mommy
And I wish you were here
‘Cause being alone
Just enhances my fear
The problem I have with your chorous is that it's pretty much like your verses: description of the cicumstances
what you whish your mother would/could do
and then a reason or a further description of
what your mom should hear/see
In my opinion the chorous should be different from this. Maybe a call to your mother saying please come, I need you or I miss you. Something along those lines maybe?
I'm sure you'll come up with something good, you could try to make it different than the verses and capture the essence of your song in it even clearer. Maybe try to give it a different form than the verses, for example maybe make it longer. (Six or perhas even eight lines would work wonderfully, I imagine.)
I don't think you should scrap what you're using for a chorous now, though, in my opinion it's good, but sounds like another verse.
This is merely a suggestion. Since you have the bridge in the end and use the chorous in good places it is fine as it is. Just reading through it you don't really see any difference between the chorous and the verses. Now it's up to you to decide wether that bothers you or not  [/long ramble]
(Verse 1)
It’s lonely here, mommy
I wish you could see
What a beautiful women
Your girls turned to be
Either: What beautiful women
Your girls turned to be
Or: What a beautiful women
Your girl's turned to be
(Verse 2)
I miss you dear mommy
Can you hear my voice?
I’m standing here waiting
To be your first choice
I'm having a bit of a problem with this part. Firstly I don't exactly understand what you mean by waiting to be her first chioce. Secondly voice and choice are two words that are very, very often used in lyrics for a rhyme. I myself have used them about a million times and I've gotten sick of the combination, so maybe this is just me, but I think it sounds a bit forced here. I'm not too fond of the whole Can you here my voice? line. It seems a bit long-winded and so common in lyrics (Yes, I have used that one a zillion times aswell.) Perhaps just try to say Can you hear me? a different way?
(Bridge)
I know some day you will see me.
And maybe that day is today.
I’m still your baby mommy
My love has not run away.
I love the last line of your bridge 
Lovely, sweet song.
Keep it up,
~Kalliope |
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This_is_history
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 3:44 am Post subject: |
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I really like this. It was sweet, (and very appropriate for mother's day).
Only problem was it was a bit too simple. I would have liked to have seen memories, I would have liked to have seen some imagery.
But other than that, it's really nice, and very sweet and sad. I liked it a lot!
Keep up the good work!
-Elise |
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lozzen
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:33 pm Post subject: |
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Yet again great work. Yes it was simple but that's what made it great, like it was being told from a childs point of view (enhanced by the use of mommy). I did however get a little mixed up after you writing in what i thought of as a child's view to then say in the ist verse...
"What beautiful women
your girls turned out to be" That kinda threw me. If indeed these lyrics are written in the view of a child (which i got the impression of) would a child really say this? And if it isn't written in the view of a child then maybe you need to rethink the wording of this poem?
Another thing, i would really prefer if you copy and pasted the entire chorus instead of just writing chorus because then i have to scroll up and find the chorus and it kind of breaks the feeling i get with the piece. (Sorry for being so picky about that)
Finally, apart from the few things i have pointed out here and some of the mistakes the other critiques have spotted, i would just like to express how amazingly beautiful your work is overall. It is very gentle and it really makes me feel the writing. Stunning.
keep it up please!
lozzen xx |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 6:01 pm Post subject: |
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This is very honest and you really laid the speaker's feeling bear. By doing this the somewhat raw language becomes something quite beautiful. Can I see this as a song? Maybe. If I heard it on the radio, maybe not- but in a musical perhaps? I don't know.
Anyway, everyone has already pointed out most of the flaws. Did anyone get this one?
| Quote: |
What a beautiful women
Your girls turned to be |
This reads awkward. What about adding in
| Quote: |
What a beautiful women
Your girls turned out to be |
Just a suggestions. Liked it otherwise.
Love,
Eimear |
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andrew.j.m
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 6:09 am Post subject: |
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This actually made me shiver a little. Most kids talk about how much they hate their mom and ruin their lives.
It get the sense of how much you miss her, and how you want to know if she's there when you say "can you hear me?"
and you show your small doubts with "Because being alone Just enhances my fear."
You can tell it's good by all the responses. |
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DaughterofZion
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 5:45 pm Post subject: RE: you mommy song |
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| The key to a good song, is something that other people can relate to. If you could explain how you feel a little more, like "my heart's so cold dear mother, I need your heart to warm it." something like that that is a little more flowery and heartfelt. NOT that this isn't. I think you have a great start. |
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1993vlad@gmail.com
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:38 pm Post subject: |
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nice-------very touching
this was my favorite one dou
(Verse 2)
I miss you dear mommy
Can you hear my voice?
I’m standing here waiting
To be your first choice
NICE |
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