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Wildest Temptations
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 27
Reviews: 9
Country: Canada
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 2:07 am Post subject: Opposite of a Straight Path |
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This is one of my first pieces, so rate away, and correct my errors. The story was going to be called Ice Tear, no idea why though. I only had parts of it written down, so I am now putting it together. Also I apologize for the poor spacing, I can't figure out how to make it look proper.
Opposite of a Straight Path
Chantal (Wildest Temptations)
Chapter One
Emily
Kasey and I walked along my family’s private beach. I could tell that she was uncomfortable. As we walked, I saw tears streaming down her face. It made my heart fall to see her cry. I loved her greatly, and I never wanted what we had to end. I grabbed her hand gently, and pulled her towards me, her breasts pressing against mine. I looked into her ocean blue eyes, and gently wiped the tears off of her soft skin. “Kasey,” I spoke softly, “I know things haven’t been easy for us. But we have to face our families sooner or later. But I love you, okay?” I saw diminishing hope behind those tearing eyes.
“Emily,” I heard her whisper, “I want you to be more than just my friend, but our families won’t allow it.” With those words, I was heart broken; I knew that some of the kids at school suspected that Tristan and Kasey were dating, although they never hung out at school.
No one knew about my secret affair with Kasey. I know that we both had boyfriends in the past, just to keep the suspicions off. But the only time that I could really be myself was around Kasey, we talked about everything together. We were wither sharing our thoughts on which girls we thought were the cutest, or making out because we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. The fact was that being a lesbian in our community wasn’t exactly welcomed. We have never showed how we felt about each other in public.
As Kasey and I walked into her house, we saw our parents sitting on the couch together, waiting for them to come in the door. We quickly let go of each other’s hands, hoping no one noticed.
“Emily, Kasey.” Kasey’s grandfather said as he entered the room, “Please sit down, we have an important matter to discuss.”
We both did as they were told, and sat down side by side, trembling with fear. We both knew what we were about to be told, but hoped that it was just like get-together. I could tell that Kasey was scared, and I was scared of being separated from the one person in this world who knew the real me.
“We are well aware of what you two have been doing when you are together, and we would like it to stop. You are both the daughters of the wealthiest and most powerful families in Beverly Hills,” said Emily’s father sternly, “What would that say about us if you kept acting like this? We are willing to forget that you were up to no good while you were together if you start behaving like proper young ladies.”
“No,” I heard the quiet little voice of Kasey in my ear.
“We love each other, and if you can’t accept that, than fine.” I said, my voice shaking, “If we can’t do that here, than I am willing to leave Beverly Hills. What about you Kasey?” I could tell that my parents were astounded at what they had just heard me say, but what shocked them more was what came after that.
“I hate this rich shit anyway! Let’s get out of this dump.” I was also shocked at what I heard from Kasey. She had said it as she pulled all of my 140 pounds off of the couch, and dragged me out of the door.
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Edited on May 21, 08.
Anything Else need to be done so far?? |
_________________
Faith: Something you believe in. In other words, I can't stop believing in my dog, Faith.
Last edited by Wildest Temptations on Thu May 22, 2008 10:36 pm; edited 9 times in total |
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Wildest Temptations
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 27
Reviews: 9
Country: Canada
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 2:25 am Post subject: |
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Okay, so I take it that this isn't the greatest story. But whatever, I can always right more. eh??
Just tell me what I can do to improve, and remember there is more coming. And keep in mind that it only took about one hour to right this, and it is rough as well. |
_________________
Faith: Something you believe in. In other words, I can't stop believing in my dog, Faith. |
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Summerless
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 28
Joined: 16 Apr 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 136
Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 5:18 am Post subject: |
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Wow, this is pretty good for an hour's worth of work. A few things, though.
I think you should lose the whole tribe/princess/magical powers things. It makes the story weak and boring. There are a lot of stories out in the world about magical effects people have on/with nature. And the tribe and princess thing seems random. Unless you can come up with more details about the tribe stuff, I'd leave it out and keep the story as modern as possible.
A little bit of work is needed on dialogue and tagging. Also, try not to dump information about Kasey and Emily in the prologue in two sentences. Instead of saying how Kasey has blue eyes and blonde hair, why not gradually add that in as the story deepens? Telling the reader what Kasey and Emily look like weakens the story as well.
This isn't bad for a start. Still, it can get better, but this is one of the best starts I saw out of the writers of I my age. :]
Hope this helps and feel free to send a private message if you have questions <3
- Summerless |
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Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless. |
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soconfused4512
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 78
Reviews: 31
365 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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| i have to agree with "summerless" you need to work on your story just a little bit i like the idea of the story but like "summerless" said you need to keep it modern or talk more about the tribe but yes i do like your story so PLEASE keep me posted |
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[><] Shawn D. Bolding & Paula W. Brock [><] |
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day tripper
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 05 Mar 2008
Posts: 240
Reviews: 84
Country: A loud girl who likes quiet places.
150 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 7:40 pm Post subject: |
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I say that you should work a little more before posting.
Also, you have the first part in first person but the other
rest is in third.
It confused me.
Well, anyways, I couldn't really find any spelling errors
or else I'm just really super tired.
d:
I'll check this out later when I'm more awake though,
tood-a-loo! |
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Ice, Ice, Melt your heart.
Baby Girl, let down your guard,
Rush, Rush for that touch,
Just one taste can't get enough. |
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Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7088
Reviews: 1754
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1160 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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Hello!
First off, a Moderator's Note. Your first name and last was in the post, and it is incredebly unsafe to post either of those on the internet. I removed your last name, though I left your first. Please, keep yourself safe on the internet. People can find you. As a moderator, it is my job to protect you from creepies, but I can only do so much. Please do not give out your full name or contact info to anyone!!!!
[/end moderator's note]
On to the critique!
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| Kasey and I walked along my family’s private beach. I could tell that she was uncomfortable. ... |
This beginning isn't the best. You are throwing us into the middle of the situation - good, except we 1) do not know what that conflict is 2) do not know who your characters are and 3) do not care about your characters. Beginnings are hard, and you should keep these topics in mind when you are writing your beginning. You need to have tension immediatly, or as soon as possible, or at least a hook. Just because they're lesbians doesn't mean your reader is going to be like "OMG I have to read this now!"
Also, be aware that prologues are weird. I would advise against them. There are some articles around the site on prologues, you can find some of them listed here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic4154.html
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| I grabbed her hand gently, and pulled her towards me, our breasts squishing together. |
That's a weird comment and I would cut it out altogether. The breast squishing, I mean.
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She is a blonde haired blue eyed girl, who the guys just drool over, and whom she has no interest in. I am a brown haired, brown eyed average girl. |
No E on "blond". (I do this too, French has an effect on my English.) More importantly though, I would say that you should remove this sentence entirely. It's all an info dump, which is HORRIBLE. Yes, I used caps. It's that bad. Here is an article that may help you: Avoiding Infodumps.
| Quote: |
| “Kasey[comma]” I spoke softly[comma] “I know things haven’t been easy for us. But we have to face the elders sooner or later. I love you, okay?” |
Learn to properly punctuate your dialogue. It's important.
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| I saw happiness behind those teary eyes. |
Try to evoke more emotion in me. Happiness is a really bland word.
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| “Emily,” I heard her whisper, “I want you to be more than just my friend, but the elders, especially my grandfather, won’t allow us to be anything more than that. .... |
Here should be the start of a new paragraph. When someone new is speaking, it is a new paragraph. For example:
"Hey!" Jill said. She waved to Max.
Max said, "I hate you!" then slapped Jill.
Jill cried. "Jerk!"
New paragraph every time a new person is speaking.
| Quote: |
| “I want you to be more than just my friend, but the elders, especially my grandfather, won’t allow us to be anything more than that. I just know it. They think that I have fallen in love with Tristan, your brother, because of all the time that I have spent at your house. But I wasn’t with him and you know it, I was with you. I don’t want to be with anyone else except you. But I can’t help it if they start arranging a marriage for Tristan and I.” |
Here you are infodumping through dialogue. Dialogue is a great place to give new information, but don't overload the reader.
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| No one knew about the secret affair that was going on between Kasey and Emily. |
Bad idea. Your first paragraph was in the first person, and this one starts out in third person. Bad, bad, bad idea to switch points of view. Choose a point of view, and stick to it.
Alright, honestly, no I didn't finish this. But from what I read, I can tell what you need to work on so reading any further wouldn't really add to anything. I hope you do not feel insulted or hurt by what I am saying. I know, I sound harsh and rude and like a complete poo-head meanie-pants. But at the same time, I know your age, and when I was your age, I was horrible at writing. That isn't to say you are horrible, or that all young people are horrible writers (I know many exceptions) but for the most part, young people don't know how to write. That's not a bad thing, it's just because you have to start somewhere, and get better from there. I started at really, really bad. Everyone does. It's not like you're an exception, so please, I hope you do not feel hurt by this.
You have some basic writing skills to learn. Your grammar doesn't seem so bad, although you didn't have proper dialogue punctuation. (How to Punctuate Dialogue)The problems I think you should first tackle are those of telling/info dumps, and characterization or getting your beginning to be more lively. My suggestions would be to read more fiction. Reading is the best way to learn how to write. The second best thing you can do is to read about writing. There are tons of sites and articles online (many on YWS as well, if you put your mouse over "resources"). One quick article I found: Common Mistakes New Writers Make.
A book I suggest to every new/young writer because it helped me so much is Writing Fiction.
I hope this review helped! If you have any questions about this review or the site, feel free to pm me at any time. Good luck and I hope to see more from you! |
_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me. |
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Wildest Temptations
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 27
Reviews: 9
Country: Canada
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 10:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay, great. I'll start from these reviews. Lots of fixing. Haha, post more later. |
_________________
Faith: Something you believe in. In other words, I can't stop believing in my dog, Faith. |
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Writing for love is a pas
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 254
Reviews: 79
Country: none ya (US)
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 11:04 pm Post subject: |
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| I think that this was actualy quite good. I don't care what everyone else says, i think this will make an excellent story. keep it up and keep ME posted! |
_________________
Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
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Wildest Temptations
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 27
Reviews: 9
Country: Canada
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 2:12 am Post subject: |
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Okay, I did edit it, and put the rest in first person, changed it from Prologue to Chapter One, and gave it a name :"Emily". The chapter name is "Emily" because thats who's point of view it is in. I think that the next chapter will from in Kasey's point of view. What does everyone think so far?
I really do appreciate all of your help, and I do want to improve my writing skills, although they are the best in my class. Haha. But I don't want to just be writing stories for school I want EVERYONE to read them, hence my coming onto YWS. |
_________________
Faith: Something you believe in. In other words, I can't stop believing in my dog, Faith. |
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rubberduck
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 08 May 2008
Posts: 177
Reviews: 30
407 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 1:33 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there.
Just thought I'd say, great job! 
There was a typo here...
| Quote: |
| I loved her greatly, and I never wanted ehat we had to end. |
I loved her greatly, and I never wanted [bold]what[/bold] we had to end.
Other than that, I don't think I spotted any other mistakes. I don't really see the reason why you had to describe... Well, after this part...
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| I grabbed her hand gently, and pulled her towards me, |
Didn't see the need for such details. Haha.
Anyway, PM me when you post your next chapter. I've got a sister who INSISTS on helping you out in any way possible. So, that's it. It's up to her now. Rubberduck'll help you anyway he/she can.
Keep on writing!
Max. |
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- Homer Simpson |
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chick_with_a_pen
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 30 Jan 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 18
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it. it was different often same sex relationship stories are written from a gay perspective it was cool as I have family that are lesbian it was refreshing.
[quote]I loved her greatly, and I never wanted we had to ehat.
i think you meant to say end but whatever you meant to say it needs to be fixed. |
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If it breathes or has moving parts, sooner or later it'll give you trouble." Author Scott Buchler |
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Wildest Temptations
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 27
Reviews: 9
Country: Canada
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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| That error was fixed. Right at the moment, I am hoping to get more of this finished, although I am flooded with homework. High School. Gotta love it. <-- Sarcasm!! |
_________________
Faith: Something you believe in. In other words, I can't stop believing in my dog, Faith. |
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Wildest Temptations
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 27
Reviews: 9
Country: Canada
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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I posted a new chapter to the story. Here is the link:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic30572.html |
_________________
Faith: Something you believe in. In other words, I can't stop believing in my dog, Faith. |
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