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The Eagle
The Eagle

by BumbleBear in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on May 21, 2008
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XxxDo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 6:04 pm    Post subject: Tick...Tick...Boom. Reply with quote

I laughed, smiling at Wesley as he continued his imitation of our math teacher, crossing his eyes and yelling commands in a low voice. “You! Be quiet!”

Aaron laughed with us, hiccupping as he wiped the tears out of his eyes. “Dude that is priceless!”

We were sitting in the basement of our high school, which was a rather dark and grubby room located at the bottom of a flight of steps. This area was off limits to students, and to our best knowledge none had been there until today. Wesley had picked the lock on the door, and after nearly an hour of trial and error the lock finally sprung open. Thank god for all the information one can find on the internet.

Now, half an hour later, we were still celebrating our victory, taking plenty of pictures and getting video footage that proved that we’d made it down here. I had filmed a large part of our entrance to the basement, proving wrong the countless "haunted" stories about the place.

Our school was never closed after hours, or not directly anyway. The last members of the administration, staff and faculty usually hung around until the late hours of the evening, and didnt for a second think any students would want to break into something as boring as the basement. Then again, we had been underestimated before.

Something caught my attention, and I strained my ears, trying to figure out whether I had really heard it.

Tick… tick… tick… tick…

“Guys….do you hear that?” I questioned, watching them with a confused expression. They fell silent, frowning, listening intently. I fidgeted with my new camera, then glanced down at the screen and flicked through the countless photos I’d taken. I smiled as I eyed Wesley's surprised expression, I'd caught him unaware while he was picking the lock, and the result was rather priceless.

“Yea…” Aaron glanced around, his eyes playing over the many boilers and other large devices that stood in the basement. He was clearly not trusting the situation

“What is that?” Wesley got to his feet to glance behind the cement block he had been sitting on, then turned back to us and shrugged. “Could be a clock. Probably. Its not important.”

“Maybe. But I want to find it anyway.” I started to search, scanning the walls for clocks and glancing behind all large objects, determined to locate the source.

Tick… tick… tick… tick…

I couldn’t imagine that the ticking was there long before we noticed, for it was so clearly present it was impossible to block out. The rhythmic sound sent chills down my spine, and I questioned my own sanity as I opted. “Doesn’t it kind of sound like a bomb to you?”

The glare Aaron fired in my direction was enough to reduce me to silence, and I pondered quietly for a moment. The guys were searching the room from top to bottom, tossing bags and boxes out of the way, and producing such a ruckus that I considered leaving.

Damn curiosity, I thought, quickly snapping a photo before I joined them in their frantic exploration. Judging by the look on Aaron’s face my crude comment had gotten to him more than he was letting on. He looked terrified. His expression downright scared me, it was something I had never seen before in all the years we'd known each other.

“Could be. You never know, maybe terrorists are targeting our school now.” Wesley grinned a late reply to my suggestion, amused, as he sat down on the stairs.

“Let’s just leave.” Aaron pushed Wesley out of his way and started up the stairs, but I called out his name. “Aaron… come on! Lets just find out what it is.”

“Fine.” He sighed, sitting down on the top stair. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. For a moment I assumed he was joking, until it dawned on me that the terror in his eyes couldn’t possibly be fake. I felt fear rush through my system. “Aaron? What?”

“There’s….”

Wesley was by his side in a second, and stared across the room in the same direction as Aaron. When his expression twisted I felt my mouth go dry. What the hell did they see?

“Tracy, come here. Now.” He gestured at me without pulling his stare loose. I stomped up the steps to where they were, turned, and allowed my jaw to drop. Frozen in place I could hear the rapid beating of my hammering heart, my body going through an odd sensation. I was certain I could no longer move.

There was a device strapped to one of the radiator pipes on the ceiling in the back of the basement, nearly at the wall. The metal case of the digital timer shone menacingly in the harsh basement lamps. The timer was ticking away on the last minutes.

“Let’s go!” I turned on my heels, throwing myself at the basement door, and put all my force towards yanking it open. My muscles ached from the sudden jolt, and I stood still for an instant, astounded. When I understood what had happened I tugged the handle again and felt cold sweat break out all over me as the door didn’t budge.

“Move!” Wesley pushed me aside, and began to yank the handle desperately in alternating sessions of shouting and grimacing. began Aaron was still, standing with a sheet-white face, his eyes on the bomb, his mouth wide open.

“Shit!” Wesley hollered, then kneeled down and pulled his lock picking instruments out of his pocket, getting started on freeing us before it was too late. It took us an hour to get in, I thought, my eyes welling in despair, we don’t have time. I could have never guessed that I was going to die in the school basement. Blown up.

“Goddamn it!” I hollered, pounding my fists against the metal slab until my raging panic was interrupted by a sound. Aaron spoke softly. “Guys… one… one minute.”

Fear flashed through my abdomen, and I watched Wesley scream out in frustration over the tightly bolted lock, then lowered my gaze to Aaron. The world seemed to slow around me, and I widened my eyes, Wesley’s frustrated screams fading. What felt like years later I followed Aaron’s horrified stare back to the device. The camera fell from my numbing hand, but I wasn't in any state of being able to retrieve it, not even bothering to see where it landed.

The digital timer displayed the seconds in a mean red color on the dull black background, and the numbers seemed to be burning their way into my retina. I couldn’t pull loose from the changing numbers, and all I could do was watch the numbers drop from 22 to 21 to 20. The figures dipping lower and lower I felt my breath catch.

Why is this happening?

Who locked the door?

Why our school?

Why now?

Why us?

Why?

I tore my gaze loose and grabbed Wesley’s arm, forcing him to face me. “It’s too late..” I whispered my throat thick, locking eyes with him. He pulled Aaron to his feet, the two boys joining me on the top stair. Flattening our backs against the cold metal of the door we breathed deep and shallow, the remaining seconds of our lives ticking past, no longer slow. I was aware that my two best friends were staring at the same thing as me, our gazes burning into the digital countdown timer.

Three…

I swallowed heavily, the faces of my family flashing through my mind. Mom, Dad, Killian, I love you.

Two…

I reached out both my hands for those of the boys, and we locked together, clutching onto one another, certain that we all thought the same thing. We were all begging for savior. Someone help us, please.

One…

I closed my eyes and drew air deep into my lungs, painfully aware that it would be my last breath. Feeling unusually calm I held my breath inside me. All I could do now was hope it wouldn’t hurt.


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Last edited by XxxDo on Wed May 21, 2008 7:04 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Phantomofthebasket   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow.
This was VERY good and oh so sad.

I enjoyed the descriptions very much (in my opinion, the moire description, the better), and I also like the attitude of the characters: Typical teenagers.

Very good, kudos to you.

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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 6:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow.
This was VERY good and oh so sad.

I enjoyed the descriptions very much (in my opinion, the moire description, the better), and I also like the attitude of the characters: Typical teenagers.

Very good, kudos to you.

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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 8:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Poke* You're supposed to tell me when you post something, XxxDo! Wink

Nit-Picks

Quote:
Aaron laughed with us, hiccupping as he wiped the tears out of his eyes. “Dude, that is was priceless!”

Just some technical errors.

Quote:
We were sitting in the basement of our high school, which was a rather dark and grubby room located at the bottom of a flight of steps. This area was off limits to students, and to our best knowledge none had been there until today. Wesley had picked the lock on the door, and after nearly an hour of trial and error the lock finally sprung open. Now, half an hour later, we were still celebrating our victory, taking plenty of pictures and getting video footage that proved that we’d made it down here.

Show much? Ditch all of this, and show us what they room’s like. What’s the atmosphere feel like? Is it dark? Empty? Do they hear the rumbling of the heater? Can they hear the pounding of kids’ feet and the roar of their laughter when classes get out?

Quote:
Our school was never closed after hours, or not directly anyway. The last members of the administration, staff and faculty usually hung around until the late hours of the evening, and didnt for a second think any students would want to break into something as boring as the basement. Then again, we had been underestimated before.

Still telling. Show us! Use dialogue to get in some facts, and show us that it’s not boring by letting them have a good time, but show that they do things like this all the time by letting them not get too excited.

Also, you forgot an apostrophe in there...

Quote:
Something caught my attention, and I strained my ears, trying to figure out whether I had really heard it.

Seems a bit quick. Normally, when hearing something, you ignore it at first. I’d slow this down a bit.

Quote:
“Guys….do you hear that?” I questioned, watching them with a confused expression. They fell silent, frowning, listening intently.

You have an extra period in those ellipses. I'd ditch them and put in a comma, though - you're using too many ellipses.

Quote:
I couldn’t imagine that the ticking was there long before we noticed, for it was so clearly present it was impossible to block out. The rhythmic sound sent chills down my spine, and I questioned my own sanity as I opted. “Doesn’t it kind of sound like a bomb to you?”

First: how’s he know what a bomb sounds like? Second: then how come he had to strain his ears to hear it?

Quote:
Damn curiosity, I thought as I joined them in their frantic exploration.

Give him a moment when he changes his mind first.

Quote:
His expression downright scared me;, it was something I had never seen before in all the years we'd known each other.

Small technical error. Also, the 'his expression downright scared me' sounded odd...

And if they're so scared, why don't they leave? Give them a reason.

Quote:
“Let’s just leave.” Aaron pushed Wesley out of his way and started up the stairs, but I called out his name. “Aaron! … cCome on! Lets just find out what it is.”

I think you're a little ellipses happy. Wink

Quote:
“Fine.” He sighed, sitting down on the top stair. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. For a moment I assumed he was joking, until it dawned on me that the terror in his eyes couldn’t possibly be fake. I felt fear rush through my system. “Aaron? What?”

His fear seemed too rushed.

Quote:
“Let’s go!” I turned on my heels, throwing myself at the basement door, and put all my force towards yanking it open. My muscles ached from the sudden jolt, and I stood still for an instant, astounded. When I understood what had happened I tugged the handle again and felt cold sweat break out all over me as the door didn’t budge.

Show what happens better – I didn’t get it at first.

Quote:
began Aaron was still, standing with a sheet-white face, his eyes on the bomb, his mouth wide open.

Missed a word here…or something…

Quote:
“Shit!” Wesley hollered, then kneeled down and pulled his lock picking instruments out of his pocket, getting started on freeing us before it was too late. It took us an hour to get in, I thought, my eyes welling in despair, we don’t have time.

I’d end the paragraph here, and make the rest a new one. Also, how come they locked the door behind them?

Quote:
Fear flashed through my abdomen, and I watched Wesley scream out in frustration over the tightly bolted lock, then lowered my gaze to Aaron. The world seemed to slow around me, and I widened my eyes, Wesley’s frustrated screams fading. What felt like years later I followed Aaron’s horrified stare back to the device.

The whole paragraph is worded oddly, and I didn’t understand it all. (Punctuation problems, perhaps?) Do what you will with it.

Quote:
The digital timer displayed the seconds in a mean red color on the dull black background, and the numbers seemed to be burning their way into my retina.

Big, detailed words much? That’s a big jump from the rest – don’t use so much description in one sentence.

Quote:
The figures dippeding lower and lower I felt my breath catch.

‘As the figures…’ or ‘…lower and lower, and I felt…’

Quote:
Why is this happening?

I wouldn’t italicize this.

Quote:
Who locked the door?

I’d ditch this – I liked the ‘why’ beginnings.

Quote:
Why now?

I’d ditch this. Why's it important?

Quote:
Why?

And I’d ditch this. You had too many of these short sentences, and it was boring.

Quote:
I tore my gaze loose and grabbed Wesley’s arm, forcing him to face me. “It’s too late...” I whispered, my throat thick, locking eyes with him.


The italicized part would sound better as ‘my eyes locking with him,’ to follow the pattern of ‘my throat thick.' Also, you missed a period in the ellipses.

Quote:
He pulled Aaron to his feet, the two boys joining me on the top stair. Flattening our backs against the cold metal of the door we breathed deep and shallow, the remaining seconds of our lives ticking past, no longer slow. I was aware that my two best friends were staring at the same thing as me, our gazes burning into the digital countdown timer.

Wouldn’t you try until the last second?

Quote:
I swallowed heavily, the faces of my family flashing through my mind. Mom, Dad, Killian, I love you.

I don’t like the italics…plus, it seems a bit overly sappy. (More character development earlier on may help with the sappiness, though.)

Quote:
I closed my eyes and drew air deep into my lungs, painfully aware that it would be my last breath. Feeling unusually calm I held my breath inside me. All I could do now was hope it wouldn’t hurt.

‘Unusually calm?’ He’s anything but.

Overall Comments

I think I tell you this every time, XxxDo: Start sooner! You give us no time at all to get to know the characters, so I really didn’t care about them.
More showing would be nice. Let us feel like we’re next to them.

Also, using past tense first person is a bit odd. A dead guy is writing about his own death? Wink

Not bad, XxxDo. Your writing really varies, which is great. I’m looking forward to reading more of your work, and finally getting around to The Darkness Within!

Sorry about the short critique…

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

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PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2008 3:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Infinitely impressed. I've been reading a lot of things on here and nothing compares to this! Wonderfully written; I felt my stomach flipping out when it got to three. It gives you a geniune thrill and fear. I pretty much disagree with everything the person above me wrote. There's nothing that needs to be changed except for some editing here and there. You are an excellent writer. Not many on here can capture the emotions of the moment than you showed in this piece of writing. You have a very high level of writing, publishable work, I'd even say. Good work--keep on writing. Maybe your name will end up on some book soon. Smile

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PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 2:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked Exclamation That was so amazingly written! The suspense was killing me! Are you going to add onto it? If you do then you need to let me know as soon as you finish!!! wow. that was the best of the best!

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PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

okkeee dokeee. the only suggestion I have it that the whole bomb idea comes up a little sudden and random out of nowhere. If I was in a basement and heard a tick tick tick, i would probably just sluff it off as a normal building related sound anyways, because in all my experience, ticking is never normally a bomb. And if we went around thinking that every noise was going to kill us, we wouldn't get very far.

So the fact that they jumped to the gun about with the bomb theory kinda was unhumanly characteristic.

Another pointer. why the heck is there a bomb? if you follow this story up with an explainer, great job at creating suspense. But on the other hand, If you're leaving this at this, the story is a wee bit uncomplete and had the hit and run effect. I just was hit with a bomb (no pun intended) and had no idea why.


but good with dialogue and suspense.... great intro to a story.

also, keep cussing to a minimum until the plot has reached it's climax, and then the random d*** and sh*** will have more effect.
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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 6:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The suspense in the story is wonderful but perhaps too rushed. I think there wasn't enough time for me to sympathize with the character, to get to know them more in the beginning. The whole story is good, it really is, but it's more "telling" than "showing". There wasn't much emotion coming from the characters.

And also, the idea of a bomb in a school is normal. But a regular teenager would disbelieve this, unless there was a crisis happening in the area or the country. I don't think it's believable that they would instantly accept the idea.

Best of luck to you.
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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 10:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent job! My stomach was churning as if I were in the story with them.

The only thing that I had a problem with is that - it's kind of random and it leaves readers thinking "what the heck just happened?". The reader will want to know why this happened and what will happen afterward. So if you just explain all of those things it will be even better than it already is.

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PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2008 2:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was an incredible story! Very Happy I loved how it grabbed my attenchion right away. There were a few punctuation errors I saw, but other than that, I loved it! I'm very impressed.
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PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 7:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi!
I thought this was very good. You have a knack for creating tense moments, eh? For a short story it had good impact - it did not seem rushed or halted towards the end. I commend you!

Only thing I spotted worth mentioning:

Quote:
the result was rather priceless


You had used this expression a little earlier on. I think you should swap it for something else.
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 8:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like. I like it alot!

Very nice topic. Nice description also. The suspension was very well done, but there's one thing that threw me off. Like JFW1415 said: A dead guy writing of his own death? I'd try using present tense, since I think using third person would detract from the piece.

Also, there's this one grammatical error that just threw me off:
Quote:
“Move!” Wesley pushed me aside, and began to yank the handle desperately in alternating sessions of shouting and grimacing. began Aaron was still, standing with a sheet-white face, his eyes on the bomb, his mouth wide open.


huh?

It seemed a bit rushed also. Some of the reactions went way to fast for my liking. You should slow it down a bit. And, try making your characters people. Right now, all I see are three names. I want to see Tracy, Aaron and Wesley.

Quote:
I could have never guessed that I was going to die in the school basement. Blown up.

Take this out, or make it a paragraph. It'll work better that way in my opinion.

Now on to my favs!
1. I love when Tracy questions why this this happening. I'd take out the 'who' question though, it didn't fit.
2. Love the ending. The second by second play was very nice.
3. The boys' personalities are great!
4. Great title. It drew me in.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 12:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comments, all of you Very Happy

Xxx

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 6:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, I thought that was great. Not alot of stories end like that. Pretty sad at the ending,

Once again I loved it.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 6:37 pm    Post subject: Great Story Reply with quote

Quote:
Our school was never closed after hours, not directly anyway. The last members of the administration, staff and faculty usually hung around until the late hours of the evening, and didnt for a second think any students would want to break into something as boring as the basement. Then again, we've had been underestimated before.




Quote:

A noiseSomething caught my attention, and I strained my ears, trying to figure out whether I had really heard it.


(You said something caught your attention, you didn't really explain if it was sight, noise, or smell.)

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