Topic ID: 30741
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Sketch
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 Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 5:35 pm Post subject: My Darling Elodie |
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All I have to say is this is written to my main character from her mother. I'm not a poet but this is for my story and is needed... along with a nursery rhyme that has yet to be written... but that is for another post.  *in desperate need of help*
And sorry if this is in the wrong spot! I'll stop talking now.
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(Version 2)
My darling Elodie,
called to Faerie by song,
be still and listen--
The Lady in the Moon's
silent lullaby
dawns the nights' odyssey.
My darling Elodie,
by a handful of stars
you shall find the Way.
I leave you to chance
on dragonfly's wings.
Ask always for the End.
My darling Elodie,
I love you. Sincerly,
- Your Mother.
---
(Version 1)
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
My Darling Elodie,
called to Faerie by song,
be still and listen.
The Fey Folk await
patiently for you.
Come soon, please.
My darling Elodie.
With a handful of stars
you'll find the Labyrinth.
Vanquish the Joker,
rescue the Ringleader
and save Fae.
My darling Elodie.
On that glorious day
to my arms you'll fly.
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Last edited by Sketch on Wed May 28, 2008 5:43 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Bittersweet
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject: |
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Hello,
I must say I liked this poem. It may have helped a little to have read your story first, but I do like the fantasy prospect. It gets a little confusing at parts, but only because I haven't read yout story, of course. While reading, I tried to pretend that I had read the story first. That definitely helped--I could almost full appreciate the beauty of the poem. It's very nice. Well done.
Holly |
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Sketch
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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Holly -
Thanks... I probably should have added a little summary... but then again the main character reads it and is like "uh? How did my name end up in this book?" Haha... I like confusing people. (Don't worry later everything becomes clear) =D |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, it's not amazing, but for a poem written as nusery rhyme tis is interesting. My main nitpick is you could make it more mysterious by invoking some imagery while you tell us the nusery rhyme and make us feel the emotion. Think of how storytellers captured people hearts.
Overall: Since this is for a story won't be too harsh, just work on making it more mysterious and evoke our emotions and awe.
Good luck
VSN |
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 6:50 pm Post subject: |
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Alright, firstly, not a bad poem. However I must emphasise how there is little to make it a good one as such, also. I believe even a story the poem must be awe-inspiring, intruguing and full of imagery.
I suppose in a novel, the story is already being told so on the contrary, there should be more imagery and perhaps less substance to an ordinary poem. Also remember that not every new line needs a capital letter, only if it is the start of a sentence, name etc as normal.
This poem is nice, but very tame--too simple.
| Quote: |
Vanquish the Joker,
rescue the Ringleader
and save Fae.
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Admitted, not every story needs to be like William Wordsworth, some will say if the story is told, then it is. I disagree here. For example this verse, I see nothing to distinguish it from a line in a book: "Vanquish the Joker, rescue the Ringleader and save Fae." See what I mean?
Good luck, I would like to help more but I think you must ponder over this yourself. How do you want to tell the story, eh?
Mark |
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Sketch
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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VSN -
This isn't the nursery rhyme, it's a letter, the nursery rhyme is something else which relates to this but at the same time doesn't. =/ I'll work on it some more and try to make it more mysterious. (which is what I want it to be... but I'm bad at... haha!)
I like harsh. Okay, I don't but it improves writing... so all is good. =]
*Note to self: imagery, mysteriousness, awe & emotion, imagery, mysteriousness. awe & emotion*
Got it!
Thanks
- Sketch |
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Sketch
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Mar 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 11
Country: My United States of ... whatever!
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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Mark -
I agree it is too simple. I really just needed something to tell Elodie: "This is what's going on, and this is what your going to do... no ifs, ands or buts!" So it turned out to be real straight forward.
It probably would be better used as a line in the book... haha... dialogue from Elodie, maybe?
I'll work on my imagery... and how I want the story to be told.
Thanks!
- Sketch *goes to ponder*  |
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