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Kyren's last hope
Kyren's last hope

by listeningforthemuse in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on May 30, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Machinations #1 (part 1)
Machinations #1 (part 2)
Machinations #2 (part 1)
Machinations #2 (part 2)
Machinations #3 (part 1)
Machinations #4
Machinations #5

Machinations #3 (part 2)
Topic ID: 30879
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Kylan   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 10:35 pm    Post subject: Machinations #3 (part 2) Reply with quote

Adam turned around and wiped his hands on his shirt and listened as distant screams and the isolated sound of grating metal funneled their way into the cell from other parts of the prison. He frowned. They were ready. They were as ready as they were ever going to be. Apparently he and the council had overestimated the human race, the human faculty. It would be easy. All their high risers and monuments and engines and underdeveloped technology would collapse immediately. Like face card towers in the wind.

It would a plague of locusts of biblical proportions.

A plague of reunions and old friends.

From the corner of the cell, “You're jumping into this.”

Adam swore and jerked around, one hand smashing into the iron grating, the other plunging into Jin's lukewarm chest. He half expected to see the Chinese bastard smirking at him in the half-light. His fingers smoothing out his suit, adjusting his tie, wiping his neck clean.

But the man was silent.

His eyelids were swollen shut, his mouth was slack; petrified in the act of forming a second “please”.

The voice had come from the corner, veiled by lacy darkness.

“Who's there?” Adam's fingers twitched.

“Reason.”

“I don't think you know who you're dealing with.”

A laugh. “Of course I do. The real question is whether you know.”

Adam moved forward and lifted a hand. “Know what?”

“Listen, kid. I'm not going to play games with you. I'm here to give you a little piece of advice: you're jumping into this.”

Adam felt a laugh – a hoarfrosted sound – ripped out of his throat and stopped. “The humans? I'm moving too fast? No, you listen to me. A hundred other poor bastards have been chained up to that grate and everyone of them has died the same way. Begging and praying.”

“You're working off of flawed information. Statistics, my friend. A hundred out of six billion.”

“One hundred carefully chosen individuals.”

“Carefully butchered.”

Adam shrugged. “Regardless, I have my information. The time is now.”

Silence. Adam's heart felt as if it was beating at his ribcage with a bar of iron, snapping each cantilevered bone like withered twigs. He could hear the crunching. Approaching footsteps through a forest floor littered with shed branches. Fallen bones. Broken bones.

He didn't know why he was so afraid.

He had the Gift after all.

Maybe it was because torture was a private affair. Something as holy and as spiritual as walking through that forest or playing music or loving a woman. Sexual. Torture was sexual. And Adam felt violated in a way with the presence of this intruder. He felt as if he had been caught naked in an ocean of twisted sheets with a dead woman beside him, marinating in textile waters. Her lack of breath – or Jin's lack of breath in this case – as loud and as incriminating as screams shattering down canyon walls.

Original sin.

He had been caught elbow-deep in original sin.

Forgive me, Father.

Moving slowly, his breathing liquid and heavy, an old man stepped out of the shadows; the geography of his face contorted by little valleys and mountains in the half-light. He stood erect, but walked as if the ground was freckled with broken glass, and his smile – an empty smile – looked like a knife wound, bleeding wheezing gasps.

His white hair was a halo.

“You've underestimated us,” he whispered.

“Us?”

A second liver-spotted laugh. “Godssakes, isn't it obvious? I'm not in Kansas anymore, kid.”

Behind them, Jin's corpse festered.

And then.

“A human?” Adam asked. His voice was flat and disbelieving. The distant screams of the prison accompanied his heartbeats like music. Not possible. The Neanderthal bastards didn't have the technology. They didn't have the capacity to be standing in front of him. The bridge spanning across a constellation of dimensions like an ocean trillion marble-sized stars was just to big, too expansive.

So who was this man?

Some subconscious product of Jin's torture. The embodiment of the Chinese man's screams, his gasps, his pleas, his pain. Maybe. A hallucination. Mental smoke and mirrors. Adam felt his fingers kneading the air slowly – the fingers of a composing pianist – and little blue hemorrhages of energy arched between his thumb and ring finger. Spastic charges. The crumpled old man – this intruder – with skin like crepe paper and veins like worms in front of him was guilt incarnate, if such a thing was possible.

But real or not, he had to go.

The old man glanced at Adam's fingers and smiled.

“Apparently, I'm not welcome any more.”

“No.”

“It was just a piece of advice, my friend. You've underestimated us. You've undercalculated. There is a reason you're here and we're there.”

Adam smirked and felt the energy spasms tripping over his fingers lazily wind up his wrist and eat up his hand. “Not for long.”

“Obviously, you won't be swayed.”

Adam continued to smirk.

The old man shrugged and opened his mouth to speak again.

Adam lifted his hands, his smirk twisting, his eyes igniting, and pushed the Gift at the old man hard. Like lightning from the hand of some mortal Zeus, unbastardized energy ruptured from his hand, spilled into the room, and screamed at the withered man in front of him.

Who was smiling.

Always smiling.

And then he was gone.

Adam's Gift crashed against the opposite wall like the tide against a seaside cliff, blasting the wall, searing the bricks, raping the darkness. Fatigue punched him in the gut and he inhaled sharply as the last inchworm sparks crawled among the bricks.

Sweat was beading on his face.

Adam fell to his knees - the consequences of the power surge scything away his strength – and stared at the place the old man had vacated, his mind blank, his ears deaf. A human.

Impossible.

A small Chinese corpse watched wordlessly.

***

Los Angeles, California

Paul Ackroyd woke up staring down a killing field of chess pieces; corpses strewn across shag carpet. In front of him was a white rook.

It came into focus slowly – inches away from his nose – and then around it, fallen piano-key colored comrades. It took him a moment to realize he was on the ground, lying prostrate like some kind of wheezing Vitruvian Man. Everything hurt. Everything was on fire. He felt as if someone had sprayed him down with gasoline and had flicked a lit match onto his back. Flames running up and down his spinal cords like crowns. Nodding metronome heads and smiling with ragged crimson teeth.

Hell, he hurt.

And his only companion was a white rook.

Reluctantly, his hearing returned, and suddenly shouts and curses and whispered voices obscured by a rainstorm of static slipped into his ears like grains of sand. He tried to move his arm, his head, his legs, but it was as if someone had snipped all the nerve endings in his body off with wire clippers. And now, instead of commanding limbs to move and heads to turn, his nerves were bleeding fire.

Distant words solidified, drenched by rain drops of static.

“Godssakes, I swear, man. He just fell right over. Right off of his chair.”

White wing-tipped shoes passed behind the rook silently. Paul was vaguely fascinated by the change in perspective he was experiencing. Everything was different on the floor. Everything looked bigger, sharper, clearer. He tried to smile, but his jaw felt wired shut by a million contorted coat hangers. Here he was experiencing life from the point of view of a rook and all his useless body could do was produce phlegm decayed gasps.

Someone had knelt beside him and was gently feeling his bones, massaging his skeleton.

“So just out of nowhere.”

“Just out of nowhere. Put me in check and then passed out. I swear.”

Wing-tipped shoes again, parked in front of his vision. “Any other reactions.”

“Yeah. He started whispering stuff.”

“Nonsense?”

“Sounded like it.”

“I told Ted to take him off of that God-awful medication. Listen, I want you to stick around a little while longer, okay?”

“Whatever you say.”

Sirens made rapid-fire conversation outside, and if looked up far enough, Paul could see a window – a mouth punched out of sterilized-white plaster – being painted red, brushstrokes throbbing with a chromatic pulse rate.

An ambulance.

They called an ambulance.

What the hell happened?

I'm not in Kansas anymore, kid.

Shadow stained images of prison walls and a man with a face like a ceramic masquerade mask – hollow and blank – and a twisted little Chinese corpse corrupted his vision, replaced the rook and the wing-tipped shoes. Paul inhaled sharply and felt as if someone had kneed him in the groin. Disoriented, bile rose up his throat and choked its way through his lips and onto the carpet. He choked again. Globules of spit and stomach acid freckled his lips.

Where was he?

Where had he been?

The ends of his bones seemed to flare up like cigarette embers as hands were slipped under his stomach and his thighs, he was lifted and then placed on a stretcher. His new perspective suddenly seemed overwhelmingly constrictive. He couldn't move. He couldn't talk. He like some kind of shattered Gothic gargoyle, lying at the feet of Notre Dame.

The rook was staring at him. Smiling at him.

Acute, blistering pressure was gathering like clotting blood behind his eyes, causing the ceiling – scarred by a host of pumping fan blades, a hundred motorized scythes – to spin carousels above him. More bile up his throat and through his lips. Violent brass knuckle convulsions in his stomach. Paul wanted to swear, he wanted to yell, but invisible hands were wrapped around his neck, tightening, asphyxiating.

Little screams queued up behind his teeth.

His stretcher was moving now, three paramedics jogging by his side with all the grace of angels. They looked beautiful to Paul. Sketched in contrast to the corrosively white halls with a perfection that Raphael in painting cherubims couldn't have achieved.

His stomach knotted again and his muscles spasmed.

Ataxia possessed his fingers and they started playing piano.

He felt himself losing control.

One hundred carefully chosen individuals.

Past the receptionists desk, past martial rows of orderlies, and through the doors, sliding aside like Guillotine blades. Raindrops strafed his chest, his face, his legs like machine gun bullets as they emerged outside. A chorus of shouts and orders rose; mist from a lake, ascending above the rain.

Carefully butchered.

He felt the stretcher catch, its legs retract as it rattled into the back of an ambulance.

Now, instead of water-pregnant sky, faces were above him, blurred theater masks, and hands fluttering over his body like spring-time finches. And above them, the rain assaulted the vehicle with stiletto blades.

With a gasp, Paul lost consciousness.


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Last edited by Kylan on Sat May 31, 2008 12:06 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 12:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Kylan! Edits first!

Quote:
The bridge spanning across a constellation of dimensions like an ocean trillion marble-sized stars was just to big, too expansive.


marble-sized stars WERE just TOO big, too expansive.

Quote:
A second liver-spotted laugh. “Godssakes, isn't it obvious? I'm not in Kansas anymore, kid.”

Behind them, Jin's corpse festered.

And then.


Liver-spotted laugh made me laugh! I don't think it's the right word. It just... it's weird. lol. And 'And then.' has to go. It's really... just... ugh. Just cut it and we'll all be happy.

Or you could do it like, "And then:"

Whatever way you like.

Quote:
and a twisted little Chinese corpse corrupted his vision, replaced the rook and the wing-tipped shoes.


I think you mean 'rock' instead of 'rook'?

OVERALL COMMENTS

I think this one is the best out of all of them so far. I could follow the story a lot easier. The Gift is easier to understand, and your characters... wow. They are just amazing. I wish I could praise you some more, because you really deserve it, but I have to get going.

Thank you for the amazing read.

PM me with the next update?

-Jared

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Erm, I'd have to disagree with 3B in that this one is easier to follow. I had a bit of a harder time in this one, what with the abstract beings and notions and the sudden jump into action after Paul's collapse. It jumped around a lot and I felt a little lost. In this situation, your many descriptions didn't do much for me, and only made me lose the story.

Quote:
piano-key colored

You already used this imagery in the first chapter and there it was a very potent description. Unless you want to tie the two characters' viewpoints together, I would reserve the term "piano-key colored" for Nikola and have Paul have his own imagery. It just lessens the awesomeness of the description in the first chapter if you are going to throw it around so easily. I'd change this to something else.

Anyway, all in all, it was good. Adam's viewpoint so far has been the most complicated for me to follow, with all of its abstractions and the omniscient speaker that it contains, and I was confused by the viewpoint switch to Paul. As far, each character has had their own chapter, but Paul and Adam appear to be sharing a chapter. You did indicate the viewpoint change (thank you for that) but it is a change from your usual style. Does this indicate some sort of connection between the two characters? Or is it just the way the cards fell? Unless there is a reason for the two being in the same chapter (Paul is the human that Adam should not underestimate?) you might want to keep each character's viewpoint in their own chapter. Promotes continuity and all that.

*thumbs up* Nice work though.

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 4:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
A small Chinese corpse watched wordlessly.

You are continually knocking me dead with these awesome, awesome one-liners. So little and yet so much.

I have to say that I like the first section a little more than the second. The latter wasn't as crisp, in my opinion. I didn't really get the whole chess parallel. The whole bit about the rook - that confused me a little. I'll try re-reading it tomorrow after I've had some sleep. Right now, my brain is fried.

I also noticed the "piano-key colored." I think you should reserve that description - if we see it too often we're going to get desensitized to it, if that makes sense.

Can't wait to read the next bit - actually have to wait for it this time. Darn.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 3:06 am    Post subject: Re: Machinations #3 (part 2) Reply with quote

Kylan wrote:

It would be a plague of locusts of biblical proportions.



Kylan wrote:
Reluctantly, his hearing returned, and suddenly shouts and curses and whispered voices obscured by a rainstorm of static slipped into his ears like grains of sand. He tried to move his arm, his head, his legs, but it was as if someone had snipped all the nerve endings in his body off with wire clippers. And now, instead of commanding limbs to move and heads to turn, his nerves were bleeding fire.


Kylan wrote:
Sirens made rapid-fire conversation outside, and if looked up far enough, Paul could see a window – a mouth punched out of sterilized-white plaster – being painted red, brushstrokes throbbing with a chromatic pulse rate.


Hey, That bit confused me, try rewording it some.

Kylan wrote:
The ends of his bones seemed to flare up like cigarette embers as hands were slipped under his stomach and his thighs, he was lifted and then placed on a stretcher. His new perspective suddenly seemed overwhelmingly constrictive. He couldn't move. He couldn't talk. He was like some kind of shattered Gothic gargoyle, lying at the feet of Notre Dame.


This really opened the fantasy aspect of the story. It was well done so it wasn't such a massive collision, but still enough to really make it interesting.

Some concerns I have are using to many words. I still love you descriptions but small narrations could be slimmed down. Like the bit about the plague, it was repetitive and you don't want that cause it can bore the reader.

Overall it had a very creepy feel which was cool and you know me, I love you descriptions.

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