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Of Lead
Of Lead

by Allen2039 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on June 25, 2008
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My friends will=my nightmare...( a naruto story)

things change...( a yugio story)

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crazychic_23   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 11:25 pm    Post subject: things change...( a yugio story) Reply with quote

‘Is patience a virtue or just something you’re born with??’

The aroma of that thought lingered in my mined as I sat under a cherry blossom tree. A leaf fell from the tree and landed in the pond next to me. My thoughts ran wild from one to another. Then it hit me, my life had just gotten worst. Ever since two weeks ago when my dad got a job offer in Domino city life just isn’t the same. Moving from Paris, France where people speak French, the language of love, opposed to moving to Japan where people speak Japanese and if you’re lucky English.

A sigh escaped from my mouth as I got up to walk back to my house. “Kate, do you want anything to drink?” Grandma Juliet yelled. I turned around slowly and looked at the house behind me. It’s painted Sea blue, with white curtains draped across the windows. My head averted up a little to see an open window with Grandma Juliet’s head sticking out. Grandma Juliet was my neighbor back in Paris, France two years ago. She moved because her husband wanted to travel the world even though he was like fifty.

She had traveled around half of Europe by the time she turned fifty-eight, but her husband had gotten very ill on the way to Brazil. He died three days after they had stopped in Spain for medical care. Now she lives in Japan with her sibling. The only thing good about living here in Domino City is that were neighbors again. She is the only one that sort of understands me. The only one I trusted to talk to when I have a problem. Even though I love my parents they can’t keep a secret for the life of them.

“No, I’m good. Thanks for letting me sit in your garden and think. Bye Grandma Juliet see you today after school.” I yelled back. She nodded slightly and closed the window. As if she didn’t have anything to say and if she did I probably hear them from her when I come home. I started my way out of her backyard garden. Her sibling Jane is forty-five years old. Juliet’s parents slit up when she was seven so her mother got custody over her and her dad got custody over Jane.

Juliet’s dad moved to Japan to get as far away from her mother as possible. Ever since they moved in that house Jane had planted seeds in the backyard in hopes of a beautiful garden one day. At the age of nineteen that wish came true. When she turned about thirty-three she started to add a few new things in the garden like a pond, fountains, and benches for her to sit on. In the entire town I have yet to see a more beautiful garden yet.

I moved my hand slowly through my hair to ruffle it a little. My eyes closed shut as I left Grandma Juliet’s house. I took a deep breath inhaling and ex-haling the fresh air outside of the garden. I opened my eyes and turned my head to take one last look at Grandma Juliet’s house. My head slowly nodded as I walked toward my fairly-new school. Last week was technically my first week at Domino High.

I didn’t make any new friends because I barely talked to anyone, and I was afraid of people making fun of my accent so I didn’t answer questions when the teacher asked them. But I worked all weekend on my accent and now I have learned to hide my accent thanks to the help of Grandma Juliet and surprisingly her sibling Jane. It took about one whole hour just to get one word down without my accent.

So I got about five hours of sleep during the whole weekend, but I did it I learned how to hide my accent. Of course, it slips when I get mad or get frustrated, but that’s going to have to wait until next weekend. My silent footsteps stopped when I saw I was finally at the school. On top of this fine building in big bold letters it read ‘Domino High School’.

“Domino High…” I said to myself. A strap from my backpack slipped down my shoulder as my eyes kept on the sign. I moved my hand slowly to the strap and pulled it back in place. This was definitely going to be a new day. As I walked into the building that’s my entire mine could think about.


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" How silver sweet sound lovers tongues by night like softest music to attending ears!!" - shakesspear, romoe and juliet, line 167.
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Ella J. Black   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 8:34 pm    Post subject: Re: things change...( a yugio story) Reply with quote

Good description [a few random spelling mistakes though Smile] and it moves semi-well. You need to work on your pacing a bit, but a bit of re-reading should take care of the spelling and pacing.

Other than that it seem that your story will turn out great. Please PM me when you write the next chapter Very Happy
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Chirantha   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 4:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This story confused me. Was your character in Japan or France? Who was Grandma Juliet? Kate's own grandmother or a neighbour? Where were Kate's parents? What were you talking about Grandama Juliet's parents? Actually I didn't understand some parts. But it was good in a way. Smile

Quote:
The aroma of that thought lingered in my mined as I sat under a cherry blossom tree.

It should be the 'mind' not 'mined'

Quote:
Ever since two weeks ago when my dad got a job offer in Domino city life just isn’t the same.

There should be a comma after "Domino city"

Quote:
Bye Grandma Juliet see you today after school.” I yelled back.

There should be commas after 'bye' and 'Grandma Juliet'

Quote:
Juliet’s parents slit up when she was seven so her mother got custody over her and her dad got custody over Jane.

It should be 'split'

Quote:
Juliet’s dad moved to Japan to get as far away from her mother as possible.

It should be 'to get as far as away from his wife as possible'

Quote:
I took a deep breath inhaling and ex-haling the fresh air outside of the garden.

There should be comma after 'breath'

Quote:
So I got about five hours of sleep during the whole weekend, but I did it I learned how to hide my accent.

It should be 'I did it, so that I could learn'

Quote:
As I walked into the building that’s my entire mine could think about.

This should be 'mind'

Well, it was good and I liked it. But your character badly needs a good description. So, fix you mistakes.

Good luck. Wink

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This thread was created on June 25, 2008

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