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This thread was created on June 26, 2008
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Aliens! Goto page Previous 1, 2
Topic ID: 32178
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Sorice007
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Age: 13
Joined: 14 Aug 2008
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Reviews: 2
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 Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Bill Nye, the Science Guy! FUNNY! (Should have had something about John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt to make it funnier! (Like one of the alien's names was that) The story is awesome, but not very easy to read. Also, the shack you live in? Why a shack, why not a house? |
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GAM
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Age: 14
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
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Reviews: 5
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| Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject: |
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Nice story,you have a great imaginative sense,develop it well and soon you will be on top.
Well done.I think you were a little wacky sometimes and you went off the point of the story,but all the same you have a great future ahead.Dream biggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
Mod edit: Don't stretch the page please. |
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Holyjoely
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Joined: 31 Aug 2008
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| Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:26 am Post subject: |
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For me it was a little too rushed although I do think that this story has potential. As mentioned above I think it would suit a childrens book, but with some development it could become a great story. Heres a small set of annotations for you:
Suddenly there was a loud beeping noise and the aliens let go of my head and went to a desk at the bottom of my stretcher
I can't put my finger on this one but it doesn't sound right to me. Maybe you could change it to something along the lines of this.
There was a loud bleeping noise, the aliens let go of my head and rushed to a desk at the bottom of my stretcher.
I think that you should include how the character is feeling at this point in time. For example:
I felt a moment of relief before I realised that one of the aliens was frantically shouting "Code Red! What's happening?"
Who could clean up a mess like that?
I like the humour here, it made me chuckle.
I wish I would've died after all.
Again I like the humour, although I think an exclamation mark (!) would have fit here? I'm not sure on this one. |
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Camm
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Joined: 31 Jul 2008
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 12:11 am Post subject: |
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Ha-ha... Quite funny to be fair
but as said by many people you need to put it into paragraphs
you should make it longer and more decriptive |
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| This thread was created on June 26, 2008 |
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