Topic ID: 32276
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hobbes
Writer
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Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 52
Reviews: 60
Country: i can not say that.It would comprimise our agents in the field
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 8:09 pm Post subject: the unknown |
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the house moves
under your feet.
groaning,swaying
flowing to the beat
the stairs you enter
take you below
where the ordinary man
would never dare go.
the objects change,
but the house stays the same
floating,gliding
playing its game.
you control it
yet you do not
it goes blank
a vacant lot
the house stills
but its not done
the confusing story
has finally begun.
you go deeper in
as it comes out
when in dire need
it begins to shout
you cannot see it
but it is there
laughing,singing
judging,fair
you,only you
hold the key
just open it,
and you will see |
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if the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too.
he who laughs last, has a slow mind.
Last edited by hobbes on Sat Jun 28, 2008 10:49 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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hobbes
Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 52
Reviews: 60
Country: i can not say that.It would comprimise our agents in the field
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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yes, I know. capitalize and grammar.I was pressed for time
I also don't think "begun" is a word.
please dont say " it's confusing. clarify it more. " because it's more of a riddle thing. I'm not answering any questions and in case you didn't read the little thingy under the title this is not about a house. K? cool. hope you liked it |
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if the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too.
he who laughs last, has a slow mind. |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
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Posts: 329
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Country: USA
446 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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the house moves
under your feet.
groaning,swaying
flowing to the beat
the stairs you enter
take you below
where the ordinary man
would not go.
the objects change,
but the house stays the same
floating,gliding
playing its game.
you control it
yet you do not
it goes blank
a vacant lot
the house stills
but its not done
the confusing story
has finally begun.
you go deeper in
as it comes out
when in dire need
it begins to shout
you cannot see it
but it's there this is one of the only anti-flow moments. just consider changing it to it is there instead of it's
laughing,singing
judging,fair
you,only you
hold the key
just open it,
and you will see |
[b]this is a really nice ending...sort of ironic...well, no, not really...never mind. its a good ending, okay?!?!?!
alright, so this is a really interesting and creative poem...
i'm not sure why or what it is, but something just makes this poem come alive to me...i don't know...maybe i just had too much orange juice, or the fog of febreeze in my house is getting to me...or it could be the poem...
i like this piece just consider changing the one line i pointed out...it'll make it go a lot smoother right there...
keep writing!
-GC10 |
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"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
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clueless
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255 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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wow..... that's really good. i'm not sure exactly what your talking about but when i read that poem i LOVED it! I think, like Joce, the ending is really good. I don't know why but it really completes it. and don't explain it it's so much more fun trying to imagine whats happening!
never scrap this poem...it's amazing! best yet.
-M.J.- |
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hmmmm well, i hope you enjoyed. |
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God
Senior Writer
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Country: U.S.A.
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 11:36 pm Post subject: |
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nice poem, it builds, Im not sure form where, or to where, but its good,
I like the way the poem progressed, but if there is anything wrong with it, it was a little bit hard to follow what was going on, where or what the poem was, in fact, im still not entirely sure.
my review isnt very good, sorry. probably wont even count.
peace. |
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"An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind."
-Gandhi |
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springrain2693
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:39 am Post subject: |
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INTERESTING! It kind of holds suspense, and pulls the reader in to find what comes next, and the reader (well, at least I) feel a slight twinge of disappointment when the poem is over...leaving the reader cluelessly guessing what lies behind what the key reveals. The reader is then left only to make up an ending, and force themselves to believe that this is what lies behind the ending.  |
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Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. |
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idle muse
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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There should be a space between the , and the word 'swaying'.
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| the stairs you enter |
I don't think 'entering stairs' really works.
| Quote: |
| would never dare go. |
Too many spaces between 'dare' and 'go.'
You do not put spaces between the comma and the word. I really liked the poem, but that kind of ruined it for me. |
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Religion is the opium of the masses.
- Karl Marx
I can kill you with my brain.
-River Tam |
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Vow_Of_Slience
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:51 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked it. It had something ironic that I cannot explain. good job! |
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Sinkingtooslow
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Country: The Moon
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 12:01 am Post subject: |
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| It's actually pretty good. You rhyme really well too, I can see that from all of your poems. But perhaps a little work with rhythm and grammar could make this poem easier to read. But all and all, good work. Intriguing imagery. I hope to see more from you. |
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That is all. |
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i think i can
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 2:22 pm Post subject: |
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I don't know what to say, you obviously have a great talent for poetry. When I read it, i instinctively looked for an age, expecting to see 16-18.I agree the exact meaning was lost on me but poetry is rarely black and white, its all about what the poet is thinking/feeling at the time. Even so, a quick explanatory post may help clear some of your readers doubts =).
favourite lines:
laughing,singing
judging,fair
you,only you
hold the key
just open it,
and you will see.
great work, hope to read more of your work soon.
~ I think I can think I can , I think I can~ |
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Uo
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 2:41 am Post subject: |
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i liked it but the only this is that it feels like it's supposed to continue on cause it feels like you just dropped it at random....but it's very good and it builds up nice .........also the title does fit it cause it is like going into the unknown cause you have no idea where it is that you are heading towards hence the unknown lol great job keep writing
-Uo the lady in grey
p.s. try changing the line to "like a vacant lot"
it seems to go better that way lol |
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scribblingquill
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285 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:39 pm Post subject: |
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You are the house aren't you?
Its discovering yourself?
has anyone read that part In the Amber splyglass where lyra is described as a house, lights coming on and dorrs being opened to places she didn't know existed...
...or something like that.
^_^
really liked the poem btw (y) keep it up. |
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Save the cheerleader, save the world. |
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Fibbles
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 12:32 am Post subject: |
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That was really cool. I love the way you worded things, it made me feel like i was part of the poem or something. You might want to consider making the lines longer, but thats a matter of opinion. I think it's really good, great job!  |
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spike71294
Junior Writer
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52 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 2:44 pm Post subject: |
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Nce poem. You wrote on the spur of d mometn, i suppose.
See, i like your poem. the problem is, well, even with the lyrical value the poem kinnda feels short ( no hard feelings )
i will strongly suggest you increase the length of d sentences in your poems.
but, hey, you are a talent in your own right!!!!
P.S. : continue writting your "riddle poems". |
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horsez919
Junior Writer
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Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 42
Reviews: 26
Country: USA
340 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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This is a really good poem. I'm pretty sure all the rhymes fit together.
The...syllables[?] got a bit weird for me, then again I should probably read it out loud to myself.
Some words were contractions and I think if you made them separate like what gamechanger10 said the flow would go a bit better. And in some places I would add a small word, I'm not quite sure if that's the best but that's only my opinon.
Overall, I loved it, it was very well written.
_horsez919 |
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