Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

What Are You Reading?

Attention College Students!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Heart in the Wind #1
Heart in the Wind #1

by Blink in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 4, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Prologue-untiled stuff
Chapter One - Please Don't Rest Tonight
Chapter Two - Please Don't Rest Tonight
Please Don't Rest Tonight - Chapter Three, Part One

Prologue - Please Don't Rest Tonight Goto page 1, 2  Next
Topic ID: 32571
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Lilith   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

34
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Apr 2007
Posts: 221
Reviews: 34
Country: U.S.
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 5:23 pm    Post subject: Prologue - Please Don't Rest Tonight Reply with quote

To anyone who reads through the whole thing, I thank you.

Prologue

“I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand your game,” Dala grumbled, digging her talons into the supple wood of the toddlers crib, leaving a trail of archaic patterns in her wake.

“What don’t you understand?” Theol barked through venom-soaked fangs as he eyed the small child through the flimsy bars of her crib.

Dala spun away from the bundle of flesh and pressed her back against the wall defiantly. “Well, why one so young? That thing can’t be more than two summers aged. It’s not like she’ll even be able to fight your magic.”

“That’s precisely the idea, dear Dala.” Her black eyes examined him suspiciously, expecting a more extensive explanation. He didn’t deny her the knowledge and continued, “I won’t finish her off just yet. We’ve watched men at the peaks of they’re existence fall under the insanity of the Nightmares in less than a fortnight. We’ve watched the brightest minds of the times fall under our magic without so much as a whimper of a fight.

“But I won’t do the same with this one. We’ll make it gradual. Lend time to consumer her. I want to build her up and watch her fall rather than simply pushing her off the edge and waiting for her to splatter on the ground below.”

“Really, Theol, you are the master of your craft,” Dala praised, seeing the perversion in his plan. She took a single lengthy stride to stand at the hunched demon’s side and hungrily eye the babe along side him.

The magic was so simple. The whisk of his aged hand over the child’s face and ancient words muttered in a nameless language that had been forgotten by all but a few.

“May this be your last restful night for you will soon know a new sleep,” Theol growled under his breath. “Dala dear, will you hunt for me tonight, I think I shall watch the little one.”

Under any other circumstance, Dala would have spit back that it wasn’t her job to feed him, but she was far too awed by the twisted workings of her master’s mind to do anything but nod her head and fade out of sight to prowl the dreamscape.

Theol stood by the crib until dawn, humming long-forgotten lullabies. She stirred only once, curled her pudgy hands into fists, and continued sleeping.

Three Years Later

“Honey, what have you got there?” Alice Flincher took the picture from her daughter’s giving hands and immediately pulled back, revolted. Without a second glance at the drawing, she pressed it face down on the table.

Noel’s helpless green eyes gazed up at her mother, shocked by her response. “Is it bad mommy?” She was on the brink of tears.

“Oh, of course not,” Alice consoled her. “But tell me why you would draw something so…scary?” she hesitated, searching for a word the five-year-old would understand.

“That’s the girl in my dreams,” Noel took the picture off the table and pointed to the shadow-black figure; the one with a severed head in her hand. “And that’s her teacher, like Ms. Olsen at school. Only he doesn’t teacher about letters and numbers.” And again she pointed, this time to a haggard monster with a steeply hunching back and fangs dripping in blood. “He says he’s the Master of Nightmares. Mommy, what’s a nightmare?”

Alice looked down at her daughter and tried to understand the curious look on her little girl’s face. “Well, a nightmare is like a dream. But it’s a very scary dream. Noel, have you dreamt about these two before?”

“Sometime I don’t see them when I’m dreaming but they talk to me when I’m asleep. Dala can be mean sometimes but Theol makes her behave.”

And at that moment, the front door opened.

“Alice, you in the dinning room?” Robert called from the hall. There was a thud as he set his suitcase down on the hardwood floor.

“Yeah,” she called back then looked down at Noel. “Honey, why don’t you run upstairs and play for a while okay.”

Noel nodded, a big smile playing across her face, and into the living room and up the stairs. Robert plowed into the room seconds later, bent down to kiss his wife, then took a seat at the table along with her.

They were silent for a while, just looking at each other. Alice, concerned. Robert, confused. “Is something wrong?”

She nodded once. “It’s Noel. I’ve heard her talking about them before but never like she did today. Back when those dreams of hers started they were nameless and – I assumed – harmless. Just imaginary friends. But she drew this awful picture just now. One of them was holding a severed head and the other had fangs dripping with blood. I’m worried about her.”

Robert wasn’t sure about what he should say just looked at his wife.

“You don’t have a clue, do you?” Alice answered for him.

“I don’t.”

Only Days Later

“Mrs. Flincher.”

Alice held the phone to her ear with her shoulder, her hands busily drying dishes. “This is she.”

“It’s Ms. Olsen-”

“Did something happen to Noel?” Alice asked, setting down the frying pan she had been drying.

“No, no, nothing has happened. I need to talk to you about her though. Now, I realize its normal for children to tell stories, but today, I heard Noel talking about someone called Theol and another one, Dala. By her discription, they don't sound like the most childish of imaginary creature. Did you know anything about this? ”

“I’m afraid so, and I’m worried about it. She says that they’re a part of these nightmares that she has,” Alice considered mentioning the picture but thought better of it. “I’ll talk to her about it when she gets home,” she reassured.

“Okay then, good-bye Mrs. Flincher.”

“Good-bye Ms. Olsen.”

That Afternoon

“Mom, look what we made today,” Noel called, running into the dinning room. Alice was sitting at the table, sorting through the checkbook.

“Oh isn’t that cute.” She took the paper-plate lion from Noel, careful of the golden yarn mane and the pink felt nose. “We’ll have to put him on the fridge.”

“I’ll do it,” Noel squealed, taking the lion from her mothers hands and rushing into the kitchen. She returned, empty handed, and sat down in the chair across the table where a notebook and some crayons lay waiting.

“Honey, Mr. Olsen called today.”

Noel looked up, stunned. “Why? I wasn’t naughty, promise.”

“It wasn’t because you were naughty. She said you were talking about the people in your dreams,” Alice looked down at her daughter seriously.

“Michael at school told me that he had a bulldog who was meaner than anything but I told him that Dala was meaner than his bulldog,” Noel began. “But Michael says that Dala doesn’t count cause she’s not real but I said that if she wasn’t real, than neither was Theol. And then he said I was lying.”

“Baby, I hate to tell you this but they aren’t real. Dala and Theol, they’re just make believe.”

“I’m sorry mommy.”

Alice was shocked. “What are you sorry for?”

“I lied. I’m sorry. I’ll never say anything about Dala or Theol again. Promise.”


_________________
Duffy -- "Watch out for Jesse, he wants what he can't have."
Emily -- "Oh boy, he can have me."
Duffy -- "Figures..."


Last edited by Lilith on Wed Jul 09, 2008 1:18 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
colourless-rainbow   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

9
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 03 Jul 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 9
Country: England
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 6:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh that was good. You've got me hooked.

There are a few typos in there that need sorting, but they'll be pretty obvious if you give this a read-through.

I don't really have any crit. I didn't much like

lilith wrote:
leaving a trail of archaic patterns in her wake.


because the patterns aren't really archaic if she's just put them there. Unless you meant that her finger nails made patterns that had some kind of archaic design, rather than just being lines in wood. It's no biggie anyway, I think I'm just trying to find something to actually crit now =P

_________________
I live life as I wobble =]
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Sleeping Valor   View This User's Portfolio
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum

207
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

^_^ I read the whole thing. Which is quite a feat since I have trouble reading long pieces (which is funny since I write such long ones =P).

I think you did a really good job on this. I didn't notice any grammar problems either.

Though this story might lack the immediate hook I like so much, the beginning is very interesting and I like the idea you introduce.

=P Actually, since this is pretty good I don't have many suggestions for you. if you added a bit more description int he second part (once the girl is older) that would be good. Also, I am assuming the POV is the mother, which I guess is why we don't hear any of the girl's thoughts. But it might be interesting for you to describe the girl's expressions so we can get a better idea of the tone she is using. That would be especially good at the end, since I wasn't sure how the girl felt at her mother telling her she's wrong.

Otherwise, this is really nice. You have a great idea here, good luck with it!

^_^ Keek!

_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
sylverdawn   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

53
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 472
Reviews: 53

260 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really good, I like how you portrayed Dala and Theol, really sinister, and it's nice how part of the prologue is when she's younger, before she understands the world around her.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
grimy89098   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

12
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 05 Jul 2008
Posts: 57
Reviews: 12
Country: Australia
262 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 9:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Robert wasn’t sure about what he should say just looked at his wife.


needs a comma here:

Quote:
Robert wasn’t sure about what he should say, just looked at his wife.


and possibly change looked to stared


other than that very well done Very Happy
look forward to possibly seeing you continue this

_________________
"practice makes perfect but no body's perfect so why bother practice?" -Jye Arbon (my friend)
"everybody's entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege." -people in my class
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Lilith   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

34
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Apr 2007
Posts: 221
Reviews: 34
Country: U.S.
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 9:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all, thank you to everyone who read this. Your advice has been wonderful.


Second, to Sleeping Valor, the story will actually be told from several different points of view, least being her mother (this may have been her only appearance, but I'm not certain just yet.) The majority of the story will be told from the points of view of either: Noel, Dala, Theol, or Bastian (coming soon to forums near you.)


Anyway, thanks.

_________________
Duffy -- "Watch out for Jesse, he wants what he can't have."
Emily -- "Oh boy, he can have me."
Duffy -- "Figures..."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
alexa119310   View This User's Portfolio
Novice


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Apr 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 4
Country: Suburbian hell
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved the opening paragraph with the introduction of the nightmare monster-creatures. The way you described the scene I thought was very well done. One thing that confused me in the end was that the little girl admitted she was lying that she was making the monsters up, even though the monsters were real...?
Beyond that, I thought this was very good
cant wait to read more! Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Jay   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

43
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
Posts: 96
Reviews: 43

300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 6:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked it-very gripping. I'm curious to see what happens next with Noel and I liked the dialogue between Theol and Dala. At the moment I'm thinking Noel could be the baby Theol and Dala were talking about, or the baby could be Noel's twin that was captured by them. The first bit was very spooky and sinister. I really felt for Noel. The scariness in the first scene worked well with Noel's vulnerability in the next bit to create a creepy emotional effect.

_________________
Visit me at www.cutecritic.blog.co.nz
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Sorsha2   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

33
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 22
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 93
Reviews: 33

298 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 6:16 pm    Post subject: Re: Prologue - Please Don't Rest Tonight Reply with quote

Hello,

OK here's my review Smile
.......

Quote:
“I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand your game,” Dala grumbled, digging her talons into the supple wood of the toddlers crib, leaving a trail of archaic patterns in her wake.


I don't really understand your use of 'archaic' in this scentence.

Quote:
“What don’t you understand?” Theol barked through venom-soaked fangs as he eyed the small child through the flimsy bars of her crib.


venom filled fangs I think would work best.


Quote:
“That’s precisely the idea, dear Dala.” Her black eyes examined him suspiciously, expecting a more extensive explanation. He didn’t deny her the knowledge and continued, “I won’t finish her off just yet. We’ve watched men at the peaks of they’re existence fall under the insanity of the Nightmares in less than a fortnight. We’ve watched the brightest minds of the times fall under our magic without so much as a whimper of a fight.



A lot of words starting with 'ex' in this paragraph.

try: her eyes regarded him suspiciously
anticipating a more indepth explanation.



Quote:
“But I won’t do the same with this one. We’ll make it gradual. Lend time to consumer her. I want to build her up and watch her fall rather than simply pushing her off the edge and waiting for her to splatter on the ground below.”


remove the r from comsume and 'her' is overused as well. Try to rework the scentence to either cut it down or replace 'her' with something else to describe the child. Mabye 'infant' or 'the babe', etc.



Quote:
Noel’s helpless green eyes gazed up at her mother, shocked by her response. “Is it bad mommy?” She was on the brink of tears.


Drop down the "Is it..." .



Quote:
“That’s the girl in my dreams,” Noel took the picture off the table and pointed to the shadow-black figure; the one with a severed head in her hand. “And that’s her teacher, like Ms. Olsen at school. Only he doesn’t teacher about letters and numbers.” And again she pointed, this time to a haggard monster with a steeply hunching back and fangs dripping in blood. “He says he’s the Master of Nightmares. Mommy, what’s a nightmare?”



one, is this in present time? Might want to put a date in the heading near the prologue as would be the cast in most stories. Ie: Hemmingway West Virginia, April 21st, 2006.

two, Noel seems far too blase about the whole 'nightmare' thing. I would think a five year old girl dreaming about monsters and severed heads would feel far more...scared then she seems. It's like dreaming about a sunny daisy-filled valley with cute bunnies is on the same level as screaming clowns with chainsaws hacking away at kids in a circus.

three, we need to see the characters. There's very little description. We need to see the characters so try to describe as much as possible within a brief couple of scentences.

ie: Alice gazed down at the round cherubic face of her daughter framed with honey brown curls; questioning hazel eyes and pouting lips set in a determined frown.



Quote:
One of them was holding a severed head and the other had fangs dripping with blood.


Instead of repeating what hte picture depicted just simply state, 'Alice picked up the turned over piece of paper, toyed with the edges out of nerves before setting it before her husband to behold. ... blah, blah, blah.

Then just delve a little deeper into his reaction.

Also, try to leave/ end the scene on more of a cliff hanger. 'I don't.' just seems to fall flat. Maybe, unbeknownst to them both Theol is watching from the stairway then with a low, sinister laugh, disappeares into shadows and mist....or whatever. Smile



Quote:
“No, no, nothing has happened. I need to talk to you about her though. Now, I realize its normal for children to tell stories, but today, I heard Noel talking about someone called Theol and another one, Dala. By her discription, they don't sound like the most childish of imaginary creature. Did you know anything about this? ”

“I’m afraid so, and I’m worried about it. She says that they’re a part of these nightmares that she has,” Alice considered mentioning the picture but thought better of it. “I’ll talk to her about it when she gets home,” she reassured.

“Okay then, good-bye Mrs. Flincher.”

“Good-bye Ms. Olsen.”



Instead of this conversation over the phone, I would either a) remove it all together or b) have her get called into the school and beef it up a bit. The way its laid out right now it seems kind of unnecessary and pointless when instead of having such a brief scene in the book you could simply enter into it after Alice has had the conversation with the teacher and is preparing herself to confront Noel that way it isn't so piecemeal and broken apart.

Having too many short scenes makes the story feel disjointed.


Overall, I think this is a good story, I kind of like the concept but am a little confused as to where it is going at this point. Why is Theol so threatened by the baby? Maybe you could lightly touch on that within the scene where he makes his appearance.

I look forward to see how it continues to progress.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
shadowspinner   View This User's Portfolio
Novice


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Jul 2008
Posts: 10
Reviews: 3
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like this quite a bit - it draws the reader in right away, and I liked the pacing you used (not too fast, not to slow).

I did notice a few grammatical errors, but I think that those have already been pointed out to you. One thing that I think might give it a bit more depth is if we could hear more of the characters thoughts instead of just their actions, especially with the mother.

Otherwise I think it is a very gripping story and would like to read more of it! Very Happy

_________________
"Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open." ~Albus Dumbldore via J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Theo Hart   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

6
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 13 Jul 2008
Posts: 98
Reviews: 6
Country: Kentucky, USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoo-dang, you are evil! I love it, thus far. Didn't see any major problems with the narrative structure. Everything, in that area, is pretty clear.

I also liked how you didn't tell us why Dala and Theol were watching over the girlie.

However, there are a few, relatively minor, issues:

Quote:

“I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand your game,” Dala grumbled, digging her talons into the supple wood of the toddlers crib, leaving a trail of archaic patterns in her wake.

I get what you're trying to describe here, but it would be better if you were more specific, or cut it entirely. In the earlier part of the description, I imagined Dala wringing her hands around the wooden railing of the crib, not moving them along its edge. That first image I got is actually quite strong, so, if I were you, I'd cut out the portion in bold.

Quote:

That’s precisely the idea, dear Dala.” Her black eyes examined him suspiciously...

I'd make a line break between the quote and, "Her." The way it is, there's an impression that the one speaking is the same one who is. "examining suspiciously," which Theol obviously isn't doing, because he's a... well... "he."

Quote:

We’ll make it gradual. Lend time to consumer her. I want to build her up and watch her fall...

Eh? "Consumer?" I know you're trying to write, "consume," R is right next to E, so I understand, but even that phrasing is slightly confusing.

Would, "Let time consume her," be a better choice?

The rest of the stuff with the parents was pretty darn good, if I say so myself.

The only issue is:

Quote:

“I’m sorry mommy.”

...in which you need a comma to designate the directed audience of the sentence.

EDIT: Oh, and BTW, *star.*

_________________
THEO HART: Affectionately butchering the English Language in the name of Originality since 1990.

Writing Olympics 08: Team USA
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
dragnet   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

10
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Posts: 34
Reviews: 10
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, I really liked it! But, it needs a couple commas here or there. THere are one or two things that confuse me:

If Theol says that it will be the last night of restful sleep and she will soon experience a new one, then it sounds like he is going to kill her the next day.

And:

Why does the girl appologize for "making things up"? They are obviosly real, and most of the time, little kids put up a big fight about whether things are real or not.

Otherwise that, it's really good! I'km going to read chapter one now!

_________________
Outside the window Keeta Keeta Keeta Key
A shooting star streaks Keeta Keeta Keeta Key
The moon glows softly Yamma Yamma Yamma You
As it rests peacfully Amoung the sea of stars
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Keeley   View This User's Portfolio
New Member


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 24
Joined: 14 Jul 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 2
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 4:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That really was wonderful. You had my attention the whole time. Like other reviewers have stated, the use of the word archaic stuck out a bit, but I like your general idea you have going here. The last two lines did strike me as a bit strange, that little Noel would so quickly say the demons weren't real. I didn't believe it, honestly. I think she should put up a little bit of a fight before she says she won't talk about them anymore. I am looking forward to reading more.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
R. C. Evans   View This User's Portfolio
Novice


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 20 Jul 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 4
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really like this story and I think that it is original. I like the early characterizations of Theol and Dana they seem very sinister. I love them already. The parent's part could have been a little better but nothing that changing around a few words that everyone has told you already couldn't fix.
In short, I look forward to reading more.
Until we meet again,
R. C. Evans

_________________
-Doritos
-Cheetos
and
-Coke Zero
THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
xavia-finch   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

27
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 17 Jul 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 27
Country: AUSTRALIA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:15 pm    Post subject: Re: Prologue - Please Don't Rest Tonight Reply with quote

Lilith wrote:
To anyone who reads through the whole thing, I thank you.



Prologue

“I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand your game,” Dala grumbled, digging her talons into the supple wood of the toddlers crib, leaving a trail of archaic patterns in her wake.

“What don’t you understand?” Theol barked through venom-soaked fangs. He eyed the small child through the flimsy bars of her crib.

Dala spun away from the bundle of flesh and pressed her back against the wall defiantly. “Well, why one so young? That thing can’t be more than two summers aged. It’s not like she’ll even be able to fight your magic.”

“That’s precisely the idea, dear Dala.”
Her black eyes examined him suspiciously, expecting a more extensive explanation.

He didn’t deny her the knowledge and continued, “I won’t finish her off just yet. We’ve watched men at the peaks of they’re existence fall under the insanity of the Nightmares in less than a fortnight. We’ve watched the brightest minds of the times fall under our magic without so much as a whimper of a fight.

“But I won’t do the same with this one. We’ll make it gradual. Lend time to consumer (Consumer her??) her. I want to build her up and watch her fall rather than simply pushing her off the edge and waiting for her to splatter on the ground below.”

“Really, Theol, you are the master of your craft,” Dala praised, seeing the perversion in his plan. She took a single lengthy stride to stand at the hunched demon’s side and hungrily eyed the babe along side him.

The magic was so simple. The whisk of his aged hand over the child’s face and ancient words muttered in a nameless language that had been forgotten by all but a few.

“May this be your last restful night for you will soon know a new sleep,” Theol growled under his breath. “Dala dear, will you hunt for me tonight, I think I shall watch the little one.”

Under any other circumstance, Dala would have spat back that it wasn’t her job to feed him, but she was far too awed by the twisted workings of her master’s mind to do anything but nod her head and fade out of sight to prowl the dreamscape.

Theol stood by the crib until dawn, humming long-forgotten lullabies. She stirred only once, curled her pudgy hands into fists, and continued sleeping.


Three Years Later


“Honey, what have you got there?” Alice Flincher took the picture from her daughter’s giving hands and immediately pulled back, revolted. Without a second glance at the drawing, she pressed it face down on the table.

Noel’s helpless green eyes gazed up at her mother, shocked by her response.
“Is it bad mommy?” She was on the brink of tears.

“Oh, of course not,” Alice consoled her, “But tell me why you would draw something so…scary?”
She hesitated, searching for a word the five-year-old would understand.

“That’s the girl in my dreams,” Noel said, taking the picture off the table and pointing at the shadow-black figure; the one with a severed head in her hand. “And that’s her teacher, like Ms. Olsen at school. Only he doesn’t teacher about letters and numbers.” And again she pointed, this time to a haggard monster with a steeply hunching back and fangs dripping in blood. “He says he’s the Master of Nightmares. Mommy, what’s a nightmare?”

Alice looked down at her daughter and tried to understand the curious look on her little girl’s face. “Well, a nightmare is like a dream. But it’s a very scary dream. Noel, have you dreamt about these two before?”

“Sometime I don’t see them when I’m dreaming but they talk to me when I’m asleep. Dala can be mean sometimes but Theol makes her behave.”

And at that moment, >> At that moment may be a little cliche the front door opened.

“Alice, you in the dinning room?” Robert called from the hall. There was a thud as he set his suitcase down on the hardwood floor.

“Yeah,” she called back then looked down at Noel. “Honey, why don’t you run upstairs and play for a while okay.”

Noel nodded, a big smile playing across her face, and ran into the living room and up the stairs. Robert plowed into the room seconds later, bent down to kiss his wife, then took a seat at the table along with her.

They were silent for a while, just looking at each other. Alice, concerned. Robert, confused.
“Is something wrong?"

She nodded once. “It’s Noel. I’ve heard her talking about them before but never like she did today. Back when those dreams of hers started they were nameless and – I assumed – harmless. Just imaginary friends. But she drew this awful picture just now. One of them was holding a severed head and the other had fangs dripping with blood. I’m worried about her.”

Robert wasn’t sure about what he should say just looked at his wife. >> sentence doesn't make sense

“You don’t have a clue, do you?” Alice answered for him.

“I don’t.”

Only Days Later >> I think you need to find a better way to say this.


“Mrs. Flincher.”

Alice held the phone to her ear with her shoulder, her hands busily drying dishes. “This is she.”

“It’s Ms. Olsen-”

“Did something happen to Noel?” Alice asked, setting down the frying pan she had been drying.

“No, no, nothing has happened. I need to talk to you about her though. Now, I realize its normal for children to tell stories, but today, I heard Noel talking about someone called Theol and another one, Dala. By her discription, they don't sound like the most childish of imaginary creature. Did you know anything about this? ” >> Perhaps have the teacher mistake the names of Theol and Dala... eg.. theodore and Deliah.. or just say strange people. I dont think a teacher would take note of the names if she had only heard the story of them once, but rather concentrate on the morbid content.

“I’m afraid so. >> Cut the worried.. this has already been established/obvious by 'afraid so' She says that they’re a part of these nightmares that she has.” Alice considered mentioning the picture but thought better of it. “Thanks for your concern Ms. Olsen, I’ll talk to her about it when she gets home,” she reassured.

“Okay then, good-bye Mrs. Flincher.”

Bye now.


That Afternoon >>> again... you shouldn't do this every time its a time change.. find more subtle transitions. Look at the way its done in other books. Perhaps a short desription... eg.. That afternoon Mrs. Flincher.. etc.


“Mom, look what we made today,” Noel called, running into the dinning room. Alice was sitting at the table, sorting through the checkbook.

“Oh isn’t that cute.” She took the paper-plate lion from Noel, careful of the golden yarn mane and the pink felt nose. “We’ll have to put him on the fridge.” >>Hehe, paper-plate lions.

“I’ll do it,” Noel squealed, taking the lion from her mothers hands and rushing into the kitchen. She returned, empty handed, and sat down in the chair across the table where a notebook and some crayons lay waiting.

“Honey, Mr. Olsen called today.”

Noel looked up, stunned. “Why? I wasn’t naughty, promise.”

“It wasn’t because you were naughty. She said you were talking about the people in your dreams,” Alice looked down at her daughter seriously.

“Michael at school told me that he had a bulldog who was meaner than anything but I told him that Dala was meaner than his bulldog,” Noel began. “But Michael says that Dala doesn’t count cause she’s not real but I said that if she wasn’t real, than neither was Theol. And then he said I was lying.”

“Baby, I hate to tell you this but they aren’t real. Dala and Theol, they’re just make believe.”

“I’m sorry mommy.”

Alice was shocked. “What are you sorry for?”

“I lied. I’m sorry. I’ll never say anything about Dala or Theol again. Promise.”



This was very good. At first I didn't understand the beginning, the part about theol and dala. Im still a bit unsure, but you didn't linger on them too long so I assumed it would be later explained in the story. This added mystery and intrigue, which is vital to any fantasy story.

I'm very interested in the Noel/theol/dala relationship and am eager to read more. You've established the story well.

Also, your characters are very believable, something which is often lacking in YWS stories. The part where Mrs. Flincher is writing the checkbook makes her seem so real. The way she adresses her child and the teacher also seem authentic.

Most believable is Noel. The way she talks about theol and Dala seems very childlike and real. Especially the argument she had about the bulldog and her dreams. It shows the way that children have trouble believing that their dreams aren't real... (maybe noels are though Wink Ill have to read on!). Things like the drawing with crayons also add to authenticity. I especially liked the paper-plate lions. I made those at school when i was 5!!

The only thing i think is a problem is the transissions between time periods. I thought the 'three years later' heading was alrite because it was a long period of time. But i don't think this method should be used to move from morning to afternoon. It seems like you can't figure out how to move the story on so you just put in a time heading.


Overall a very good story! I hope it continues to be so interesting and doesn't deteriorate. Don't rush it, i think that is one way that stories die.

If it werent 1.30 am i would read the rest now. As it is, I'll try to do them tomorrow.


Happy writing!!! Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on July 4, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on July 4, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. - Mark Twain
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society