Topic ID: 32575
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
day tripper
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 05 Mar 2008
Posts: 240
Reviews: 84
Country: A loud girl who likes quiet places.
150 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: |
 |
|
The energy and perspective in this was amazing. Possibly because I feel the exact, exact, exact, EXACT same way.(:
I think this is one of those stories where you have to experiance these feelings
to truly understand it.
In any case, here are the mistakes I cought:
I sat on the deck on the soft swinging chair that was my favorite
This sounds strange to me, I think it needs a coma after chair.
I wrapped my arms around my knees and rested my chin between them, and sighed.
Something about this sentenced bothers me too /:
“I love you, Melly. I know you better than anyone else. I know every fleck of gold in your eyes, and every secret in your smile. I love the way your heart beats a little faster when I’m close to you, the way you blush when I tease you.
“I dream about you almost every night. Every time I close my eyes it’s your face I see. I could never hold the hand of Annie—or any other girl for that matter—without thinking about how I longed for it to be you. I want to hold you close to me forever, to feel your soft breath on my face and to see the glitter in your eyes when you laugh.
“But more than anything, I pray that you might feel the same way. That someday, I would be lucky enough to feel your soft hand in mine. To know that you love me too—impossible to match the height of love I feel for you—but enough to let me have you.
“Little Melly,” He gently touched my cheek, “I love you darling, please tell me you love me too.”
That has to be about the cutest thing I've ever heard to this day. I don't think I've heard anything cuter or more sweet since something Edward has said in the Twilight serious.
Very good job(:
This was very nice and I enjoyed it loads much.
(: |
_________________
Ice, Ice, Melt your heart.
Baby Girl, let down your guard,
Rush, Rush for that touch,
Just one taste can't get enough. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
mikuuuuu
New Member
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 0
Country: Finland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:16 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I liked this story. It felt so real and I loved the way you didcribed her feelings. |
_________________
love ya. |
|
| Back to top |
|
unsterblichkeit36
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 12
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Posts: 176
Reviews: 10
Country: Loneliness
200 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i loved it
i loved it as much as james loves melly
every second that i read i loved
other people are critiquing this and that
well i could tell them something to critique
It happens in life and the only reson people critique stories like this is because they dont have the feelings to understand it
i think it was fantastic
if you dont agree then go screw a tree stump |
_________________
In the mecca of us,
we all glow forever.
-Sonny Moore
Insanity is the best form of sanilty
-Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
soconfused4512
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 78
Reviews: 31
365 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I agree with *JADEREDNALIH* this is a very good story i love it please let me know if there is going to be a second part |
_________________
[><] Shawn D. Bolding & Paula W. Brock [><] |
|
| Back to top |
|
Yatta!
Writer
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 49
596 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Uh...umm...
Okay, so it's a girl who digs her best friend and sets him up with another girl and he comes back because he really loves her.
Very nicely written, I think, but I didn't sit well with me for some reason. I usually gush over romantic stuff, but it felt just cheesy. Like..."put me on a cracker" cheesy. Ah...i feel like that's how every girl WANTS it to be, but it usually isn't like that to be honest. Maybe I am just an angry cynical person but I couldn't believe it. There was absolutely no climax, I think. I mean, there was one, but it was so little, poquito chiquitito. So, yeah, I would extend it. I would blow it up, like HUGE. Because that little soliloquy homeboy was spitting was unbelievably unbelievable. I mean, honestly? If he was so perceptive why didn't he say something prior to her trying to set him up with another chick? And how did he start talking about this other girl in front of the woman he loves? That don't make no sense. What was his motive? I think the girl was cool. I really like how she was developed, but if you are going to paint a picture of this dude being her dream dude, you need to give him some kind of character development. Don't just drop him into the story with some cheesy speech of how much he loves her.....but maybe I'm just cynical after all.
Oh, but if you are going to give him this soliloquy, he should...you know...not talk in the same style and form as the chick. You know? Allow him to have his own voice. Change sentence structure. Shift commas. Make it seem more like the girl isn't DREAMING that's what he says to her. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
iQuippie
*makes a dramatic return*
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Aug 2007
Posts: 292
Reviews: 142
Country: My United States of Whateva!
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 11:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello there.
This was very-super-awesomely-cute, I must agree with everyone on that, however cheesy it was.
Mkay, so, the second paragraph was great. You do a great job of conveying her emotions there. The only thing that bothered me was this:
"Why was there a hollow feeling where my heart should be, a dull ache rippling through my veins with every beat that didn’t exist.",
because it needed a question mark at the end, rather than a period.
Another part I really enjoyed reading was this: "I sat on the deck on the soft swinging chair that was my favorite. I watched the sun somber towards the mountains, spilling its golden light onto the fields of sunflowers. I wrapped my arms around my knees and rested my chin between them, and sighed." The word choices and descriptions you used here were wonderful. The paragraph painted a beautiful picture in my mind.
My biggest complaint would be the cheesiness of James's proclamation of love to Melanie. Sure, it was really cute, but it was also really cliche` and fake. I understand that it would be kind of hard to write something like that, making it natural and whatnot, but still, that's something you could work at in the future.
My absolute favorite part of this story is where she's having the flashbacks to James as he's growing up. That pumps some originality and feeling into this peice, I think, and I loved it.
Hope that helped. |
_________________
You're insulted, you can't be bought or sold;
Translation: offer too low. |
|
| Back to top |
|
fallenangel
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Jan 2008
Posts: 44
Reviews: 22
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 1:30 am Post subject: |
|
|
Wow. Thanks so much for all the reviews!
For those of you who think it's cliche--or cheesy (put me on a cracker cheesy, thanks ; )) thanks for your opinions they are all politely acknowleged ha ha. I appreciate all of the detailed comments!
-FA |
_________________
To accomplish great things we must not only act but also dream, not only plan but also believe. |
|
| Back to top |
|
PerforatedxHearts
shut up, i'm nanoing.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 388
Reviews: 116
Country: United States
216 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 2:48 am Post subject: |
|
|
I like it, but it's a bit short. It seems fairly, I don't know, wasted- the girl cries, he comes, happy ending. I think you need to expand on it a bit more. Readers will probably feel more satisfied at the end, having held their breaths at your expense, if there was something to actually hold their breath for. You know? It's really well written, but this could easily have three parts or 2 long ones that would lead the reader on a journey. The confusion and the tears Melanie spend doesn't quite bring tears to my eyes, because I don't understand all she's been through and it hasn't yet held an importance to me yet. Therefore, the ending seems a little cheesy when he staggers in and goes all, "OMGI'velovedyouforeverMARRYME". Ya' know?
I really love your style. It's really clear and enjoyable. I just thought you should expand on this short story a little more. :] |
_________________
"Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music." --anonymous/banner.
NANOWRIMO2008 |
|
| Back to top |
|
simmy90
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 11 Jul 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 9
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 9:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| That was really good. This actually reminds me a bit of a situation I was going through just a few weeks ago, only I was the Annie in your story. There are some spelling and grammatical errors and I agree with the first reviewer: "I recalled last night’s events with quiet humility. We all sat around at his house, I had slyly forced Annie to take the remaining seat." <-- Not bad, but not good transitioning. Otherwise, it was a sweet story, I liked it. |
_________________
The Sim |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
