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Mario
New Member
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Age: 14
Joined: 01 Aug 2008
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Country: miserable, USA (Missouri)
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 Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 1:23 am Post subject: |
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| ok, seeing as we`re related, i guess i`m suposed to say sumthing rude about my sis, cuz thay`s what a brother does, right? but honestly, she and my cuzin have this thing about vampires that i`m trying to go with, but that`s not working out. but it does seem to be working out greatly for them. and yes, that is a complement coming from her older brother (whaaat!?!!?). |
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Chirantha
The boy genius.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 5:00 am Post subject: |
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There are so many gramatical, spelling and other mistakes. I'll try to correct them all. I think I can Say your character is a girl.
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The fires roared. The only other thing that could be heard was screams of fear that rang in the air. Then all of a sudden, silence. I am the last of my kind. Our race will end with me unless other covens haven't been extinct by humanity. We are immortals. And we are also cursed by it. We have (had) been hunted by man since our leaders were made.
Vamporer was my first elder. He bitten by bat (He, after getting bitten by a bat) became the leader of all the covens of vampires. His brother Lucion bitten by wolf (Lucion, after getting bitten by a wolf) came (became) the leader of werewolves, or as vampires know them, lycans. Humans have (had) hated us for centuries. Now both us nor them (Nor us or them) are safe. We live in fear to save our kind before there isn't time at all (We live in fear to save our kind before the time has run out). i (I) know that there are more covens. And as I travel (traveled) i (I) hope to unite us as the one to defeat both lycans and humans. If i (I) can beat the time, I can save the race of vampires. The fires roared on and my coven got destroyed. My rage inflamed. the (The) humans who did this will be dead.
I am in search for another coven to help me. I have gone several days without the taste of blood in my mouth. if (If) only there were something to drink from. The moon lights (had lighten) my path. The blue on it is very settle. My eyes draw (drew) towards the sky. And every star that I loook (looked) at makes (made) me drift towards the moon. My body froze. A darkening chill ran up and down my back several times. My eyes drafted heavily. and (cut the "fullstop" and make this a full sentence) i (I) folded into a dead faint. As I awoke dawn had drifted in the very faint distance. My vision was blurred. I saw a nearby cave, I ran to it for shelter.
Day (The day) slowly passed. I slept for several hours. Night had finally come once again. i (I)stepped out silently from my lurky darkness. A wolf who was in close range howled(.) i (I) could tell that he was only yards away. I ran far into the deepest part of the forest. My instincts were right. I had run into a small pack of lycans. Their teeth shone in the moonlight. The fur on their backs were as black as night itself. Their eyes were blood red of the thirst. Their snouts were splattered with blood. Wounds and scars covered their faces and bodies. Their hind feet were angled as if ready to attack. Rapidly they circled me several times(.) then (Then) they jumped and attacked me. My hands had been at my sides of some time. The first one that had came (jumped) at me I had stabbed in the chest with one hand (got stabbed on the chest with my hand) and flipped him over with the my other hand. The other ones had no much better luck than the first one. All of a sudden they attacked at me from several directions. One lurched at me from my left and I put out my knife and it sliced it's head off. Another jumped on top of me and threw me to the ground. It jumped on top of me and tried to bite me, knowing that it would kill me. I put my knives in what looked like an "X" and sliced open his chest.I stood up, and another came at me. "I am tired of this." I said. So I took out my gun and shot off his head. The last one looked at the dead body, and ran away. As the last one ran from the head spattered scene, I looked down at my knives. They were blood stained. I cleaned them with a piece of cloth that i ripped off of my cloak.
I ran to a nearby pond so i could wash my hands some of the blood had seeped through the thin piece of fabric. After i had washed my hands i stared into the water. I looked into my own eyes... they had turned a bright blue. Some vampire legend that was (had been) passed down to me several centuries ago after I had been turned into a vampire(.) one (One) of the legends said (told that) it was few chosen (the chosen vampire) to have the destiny to be the last of their coven would surely also be chosen to bring back to (the) life to the whole race of vampires before time ran out to save it. the (This) legend was true... my eyes turned. i (I) was the last remaining of my coven(.) now (Now) all I need to do is just save all the covens in the world.
I ran on. In the far distance I saw a fire. the (The) closer I got to it the more I Heard (heard) screaming and yelling. Guns were going off. Black smoke drifted up some sort of mountain. Red flames burst into color as the fire expanded. "Not another coven" I thought. I swiftly ran down the mountain. To my surprise not only had humans started this fire but lycans as well. my (My) mind was trapped by them. The coven like my own was helpless. And as I closed in on the scene I realized that few but enough men and women had escaped out of the enormous house since one coven lived in a house together as one. i (I) went towards them to ask if they could join another coven. "At least hear me out!!" I shouted. "Where do you come from?" A black haired man asked. "The clan of darkness!" Said (I said) restraining my self from grabbing my knives and killing him on the spot. Silence fell. The whisp of the trees was the only thing heard. No one breathed.
"Y-you come from-?" The same black haired man stuttered in shock. "Yes the last of my clan. WHat (What) clan do you come from?" I asked. No one answered my question. The same haired man got on his knees and bowed towards me. The other people did the same. "Why are you kneeling to ME?!" i (I) shouted. "It is said that there would stand one of the clan of darkness that (It was said that there was a person in the clan of darkness that) would lead us to our victory." I stared at this man. Then i (I) thought to myself darkness was the only thing that would separate us from the humans. " We must stand together or perish." I said strenly. "Says who and why?!!" A man shouted from the crowd. "If we don't, more humans and lycans will. Other covens will be at stake. And we will be extinct." Everyone looked up at me like I was insane.
I ran back to the cave without an answer from anyone.I went Backto (back to) my cave without an answer. |
See how many mistakes were there? After you write a story, check spellings and proof - read it.
And it is the same story about vampires and lycans. Sheesh.  Please, put some of your own ideas or it will be the same story of everyone else.
Sorry if sounded harsh but I had to point out. And develop your character.
Good luck.  |
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Tabithalillian
Senior Writer
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Country: Paris, 1802
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 1:45 pm Post subject: |
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it was really good. I like the new take on vampires, how they all dont have to go to a new school and fall in love with a human! But a few things I noticed skimming the paragraphs of goodness.
this didnt make sence, you gotta watch out for stuff like that. it makes the reader have to go over the sentence a couple of time to desipher it and that is never enjoyable so it takes away from the kool points of a good plot and charecters. another thing.
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| the humans who did this will be dead. |
that makes sence but it doesnt flow it could be more like: "The humans who did this will die" that flows better. Just little errors like that, toher wise it was great! |
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Firestalker
Prince Of The StoryBooks and Death
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 6:09 pm Post subject: |
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Ooooooooh A vampire lover
Well then I'm honored to critique
But first of all if you have got this idea from the film Underworld or Underworld:evolution then it should be in fan fiction. Because Victor, lycans, Lucion?? that sound familiar.
The fires roared. The only other thing that could be heard was screams of fear that rang in the air. Then all of a sudden, silence. I am the last of my kind. Our race will end with me unless other covens haven't been extinct (Shouldn't this be 'wiped out'??) by humanity. We are immortals. And we are also cursed by it. We have been hunted by man since our leaders were made.
Vamporer was my first elder. He(,) bitten by (a) bat became the leader of all the covens of vampires. His brother Lucion bitten by (a) wolf (be)came the leader of werewolves, or as vampires know them lycans. Humans have hated us for centuries. Now both us nor them are safe. We live in fear to save our kind before there isn't time at all. i know that there are more covens. And as I travel i hope to unite us as one to defeat both lycans and humans. If i can beat time I can save the race of vampires. The fires roared on and my coven destroyed. My rage inflamed. the humans who did this will be dead.
I am in search for another coven to help me. I have gone several days without the taste of blood in my mouth. if only there were something to drink from. The moon lights my path. The blue on it is very settle. My eyes draw towards the sky. And every star that I loook(look) at makes me drift towards the moon. My body froze. A darkening chill ran up and down my back several times.My eyes drafted heavily.and i folded into a dead faint. As I awoke dawn drifted in the very faint distance.My vision blurred. I saw a nearby cave, I ran to it for shelter.
Day slowly passed. I slept for several hours. Night had finally come once again. i stepped out silently from my lurky darkness. A wolf in close range howled i could tell he was only yards away. I ran far into the deepest part of the forest. My instincts were right. I had run into a small pack of lycans. Their teeth shone in the moonlight. The fur on their backs were as black as night itself. Their eyes were blood red of the thirst. Their snouts were splattered with blood. Wounds and scars covered their faces and bodies. Their hind feet were angled as if ready to attack. Rapidly they circled me several times then they jumped and attacked me. My hands had been at my sides of some time. The first one that had came at me I had stabbed in the chest with one hand and flipped him over with the other hand. The other ones had no much better luck. All of a sudden they attacked at me from several directions. One lurched at me from my left and I put out my knife and it sliced it's head off. Another jumped on top of me and threw me to the ground. It jumped on top of me and tried to bite me, knowing that it would kill me. I put my knives in what looked like an "X" and sliced open his chest.I stood up, and another came at me."I am tired of this."I said. So I took out my gun and shot off his head.The last one looked at the dead body,and ran away.As the last one ran from the head spattered scene, I looked down at my knives. They were blood stained. I cleaned them with a piece of cloth that i ripped off of my cloak. (Okay that whole part was filled with mistakes. You seriously need to get into editing this story.)
I ran to a nearby pond so i could wash my hands some of the blood had seeped through the thin piece of fabric. After i had washed my hands i stared into the water. I looked into my own eyes... they turned (cut the 'a')a bright blue. Some vampire legend that was passed down to me several centuries ago after I had been turned into a vampire one of the legends said it was few chosen to have the destiny to be the last of their coven would surely also be chosen to bring back to life the whole race of vampires before time ran out to save it. the legend was true... my eyes turned. i was the last remaining of my coven now all I need to do is just save all the covens in the world.
I ran on. In the far distance I saw a fire. the closer I got to it the more I Heard screaming and yelling. Guns were going off. Black smoke drifted up some sort of mountain. Red flames burst into color as the fire expanded. Not another coven I thought. I swiftly ran down the mountain. To my surprise not only had humans started this fire but lycans as well. my mind was trapped by them. The coven like my own was helpless. And as I closed in on the scene I realized that few but enough men and women had escaped out of the enormous house since one coven lived in a (single) house together as one. i went towards them to ask if they could join another coven. "At least hear me out!!" I shouted. "Where do you come from?" A black haired man asked. "The clan of darkness!" Said (said who?) restraining my self from grabbing my knives and killing him on the spot. Silence fell. The whisp of the trees was the only thing heard. No one breathed.
"Y-you come from-?" The same black haired man stuttered in shock. "Yes the last of my clan. WHat clan do you come from?" I asked. No one answered my question. The same haired man got on his knees and bowed towards me. The other people did the same. "Why are you kneeling to ME?!" i shouted. "It is said that there would stand one of the clan of darkness that would lead us to our victory." I stared at this man. Then i thought to myself darkness was the only thing that would separate us from the humans. " We must stand together or perish." I said strenly. "Says who and why?!!" A man shouted from the crowd. "If we don't more humans and lycans will. Other covens will be at stake. And we will be extinct." Everyone looked up at me like I was insane
I ran back to the cave without an answer from any one.
to Be Continued....
Good story though. Good idea too. PM me if you find something strange in my critique or if you post the rest of the story. |
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