Moriah Leila
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 117
Reviews: 55
Country: United States
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 4:20 am Post subject: |
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Hey back again to review. I was able to read a few of the other's reviews but I am a tad lazy and skipped over sorsha's so hopefully I don't repeat too much of what has already been covered. First off I want to applaud you as a writer, despite little things here and there that just irk me you capture and hold my attention throughout the story. And your dialouge feels very natural, it just flows so well.
Now then, onto the part where I am so mean. I apologize, I really enjoy giving critiques!
Setting: I agree with Clo, you need to develop your settings much better. I thought Noel was screaming out loud in the classroom and that would have made her pyshco. Like how could Bastian ask her out to the movies after he witnessed her talking to herself like that? Also when Dala and Theol are talking all you describe of their setting are some crates and a window. So very vague I was wondering where the heck they were at and why this location would have crates.
History: What is Bastian and Noel's history together? I mean people don't just walk up to people and offer them their sweatshirt or ask them to the movies. Do they have a lot of classes together? Do they talk in class? Or is Bastian just some boy Noel sees around school? I'd like for there to be a little more background information before you throw them into a dating relationship.
Other little nitpicks:
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| “No one cares about you. Just do it. DIE,” she taunted, her voice sharp like the calls of a predatory bird. |
I wasn't sure who was saying this Dala or Noel. I'm figuring it is Dala so instead of saying she replace it with Dala.
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| He reminded her of those guys who spent every afternoon sitting on the curb with their skateboarding buddies, but never actually set foot on a board. |
but who never actually.... I think if you add who it will read better.
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| Theol floated several feet off the ground, eyes closed, back stooped, voice – though still more animal than human – was smooth and composed. |
Break this up into two sentences. So it will read: Theol floated several feet off the ground, eyes closed, back stooped. His voice – though still more animal than human – was smooth and composed.
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| He was radiating with power, his entire aura attuned to a frequency to strong for the young demon. |
a frequency too strong...
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| Though she had never dared ask him outright, she was almost certain that Theol was one of the god Morpheus’s sons. |
I think god should be capitalized.
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| Rather, she glided over to a window and gazed at her reflexion. |
reflection
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| the gray monster was back in her hands |
This is a very colorful description, but this is the second time you have used it in this chapter. I think the description would be much stronger if you used it just once. Here just say the gray sweater was back in her hands.
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| That Evening, Just After Seven |
Grrr, this bugged me in the prolouge and it bugs me even more. You don't need this, it is like a paraphrased info-dump and quite frankly it is annoying. You are far too strong of a writer to lean on such a crutch, please I beg of you, get rid of this.
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| Something had been different about her sense she got home. |
Since instead of sense.
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| He laughed and in reaction, she did to. |
Too instead of to.
I'd like for Noel's emotions to be a bit more giddy. I can remember what those conversations felt like when I was talking to a new boyfriend or potential bf and I want to feel those emotions when I read the dialouge between Noel and Bastian. I want to feel like I'm a teenager again. I think you are capable of doing it, and if you do that it will help your readers connect with your character much better. I am eager to read chap. 2, so onward I go!! |
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KJ
The shortest answer is doing the thing
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 628
Reviews: 458
Country: USA
169 Points
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 8:51 pm Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed this. It's, as stated already, very unique. I was a little confused about who the voices were and where there were exactly (are they inside the MC's head?), but that's probably because I didn't read what was posted before this. So the only thing I would suggest changing was the all-caps into italics.
Aw, Bastian is so sweet...
Keep writing.
KJ |
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