Topic ID: 32951
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Sportgurl46
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 Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: Belle Lumière |
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OK, so i came up with this, like in two seconds. it probably reads that way, so be as harsh as you can because i feel like this has potential.
When you walk through the door
I feel light headed,
but I know
you will be there
to catch me if I fall.
When I have a bad day
you make my heart flutter
like there are butterflies
trying to escape.
When you hold me close,
I feel as if nothing,
could break through
your concrete shield,
keeping out all of
the dreadful facts
of the world.
You love me
like nobody else
ever has,
and when you speak
it's as if there
is nobody else in the world.
You're my beautiful light.
My belle lumière. |
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Last edited by Sportgurl46 on Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:08 am; edited 5 times in total |
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andimlovegalore
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Posts: 545
Reviews: 111
Country: England
482 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 10:36 pm Post subject: Re: Belle Lumière |
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I think this does have potential =] Here's my critique :
| Sportgurl46 wrote: |
When you walk through the door, don't need that comma
my world seems wonderful.
When I have a bad day, or that one
your beauty
makes my heart flutter
like there are butterflies, or that one
trying to escape.
These two stanzas are wonderful, I love them! The simplicity of the language actually makes it more powerful.
When you hold me close,
i feel as if nothing capital I
could breakthrough break through - should be two words
your strong shield
protecting me.
This seems a little too disjointed for me - especially seeing as the theme of the poem is security and safety.
You don't spoil me,
Hurt me,
Hate me, hurt and hate shouldn't start with caps
or take me or granted. or -> for
I'm not sure about this stanza, I think you should change this one a little bit. It just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem, the list of things that are bad is really unecessary, I got the impression already from the rest of it that he/she wouldn't do these things.
You are my beautiful light.
My belle lumière.
I like this though =] back to as good as the first two lines. Lovely. |
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wisemann210
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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When you walk through the door
my world seems wonderful.
When I have a bad day
your beauty--- this stops the flow of things
makes my heart flutter
like there are butterflies
trying to escape.
When you hold me close,
I feel as if nothing--- need a comma
could break through
your strong shield ----comma
protecting me.
You love me
like nobady else-------- nobody
ever has,
and when you speak
it is as if there ---- try its
is nobody else in the world.
You are my beautiful light.----- try you're instead of you are
My belle lumière.--- i like how you said the same thing but in french
over all i liked this poem and i haven't much to say after the other indepth crit above me
my favorite lines of the poem was
you are my beautiful light
my belle lumiere
keep writing
---Jon--- |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:33 am Post subject: Re: Belle Lumière |
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Alrighty, I'll take a crack at this...
| Sportgurl46 wrote: |
OK, so i came up with this, like in two seconds. it probably reads that way, so be as harsh as you can because i feel like this has potential.
When you walk through the door
my world seems wonderful.
I don't like how the second line sounds. World seems wonderful... I don't think wonderful is a good adjective. It sounds pretty weird if you ask me.
When I have a bad day
you make my heart flutter
like there are butterflies
trying to escape.
This stanza was so cute! I love it.
When you hold me close,
I feel as if nothing,
could break through
your strong shield,
protecting me.
How strong is this shield? How long has it been around? How does it feel? Where is it located?
You love me
like nobody else
ever has,
and when you speak
it's as if there
is nobody else in the world.
You're my beautiful light.
My belle lumière.
Gorgeous ending! |
Oh yes, this does have plenty of potential. All you really need to do is elaborate more and take a little more time.
But, I loved it nonetheless. |
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