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lxtmidnight
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Jay
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 Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:35 am Post subject: |
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This is a really entertaining and heartfelt introduction, as well as being refreshingly realistic. Although it's fantasy there's a central theme that a teenager can relate to-that of failing to live up to what parents want. I really liked how you didn't reveal that the other man was Kyrion's father until near the end-that was a great idea. If the rest of the story is as surprising as that, then it has loads of potential to be great.
There's a bit at the beginning where it says, "he drew I his blade" where it should be "he drew his blade", and I don't really like the name Kyrion. Aside from, that, it's a very promising beginning. |
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SeraphTree
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:47 am Post subject: |
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Hm. Well, to me, it sounds like describing a horse race from TV. You see them run, but there's not nearly as much exhilleration as if you're actually there. 
I lost interest about half way through your piece, mostly because it becomes very repetitive. I suggest you shorten this part, and add some more thought bubbles from Kyrion. What does he notice of his surroundings? Is he easily distracted?
I agree with Jay about the Father at the end. It makes it more interesting, but also brings up the question of why Kyrion doesn't think of that.
I suggest you add more details from Kyrions point of view; make us feel what he feels. Other than that, it's very good.  I look forward to more of your piece. |
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lxtmidnight
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the advice! I editted it a bit, adding in more thought from Kyrion, and it turned out a lot better! (I'm a pen-and-paper person, so I didn't type it up yet. As soon as I do, I'll post it lol) |
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Stella Thomas
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 5:35 pm Post subject: Re: Another "Nightsong" excerpt |
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Hey Midnight! Don't think I've seen you around before, so welcome to YWS on my behalf. You can call me Stella.
Okay so...
I. NITPICKS
| Quote: |
| Kyrion was on his guard in a flash of metal. |
With a flash of metal, surely? In a flash, yes, but in a flash of metal? I'd go for "with" instead.
| Quote: |
| he drew I his blade, |
drew in his blade, I think you mean.
Forgive my ignorance, but what's a barnhouse? Barn, yes, farmhouse, yes, but barnhouse?
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| The man press his full weight against Kyrion, |
"pressed"
inches
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| "Master [Um, this guy is sort of unnamed, cause I still haven't thought of anything....]!” |
lol, don't worry about it! Better to leave him unnamed until you've found something that suits him. However, I do tend to find that naming characters (in my own experience) makes them more defined and easier to develop, so you should probably not put it off much longer.
had risen
Why would I gag?
II. PROOFREADING
In general, your grammar and spelling was fine, but you missed out on some things that your computer's spell check wouldn't pick up on. Just be careful when proofreading.
III. THOUGHT
This whole piece is action, and we don't get into Kyrion's head until a little at the end. What's he thinking the whole time? Does he believe he can defeat his father? Or not?
IV. CHARACTERISATION
There wasn't much.
A. Kyrion: you say at the end he isn't into the swordfighting stuff, but apart from that, we know nothing about him. What age is he? What does he look like? What does he enjoy doing instead? Why doesn't he like it?
B. Mr. Unnamed (): was surprisingly a bit more developed. He wants his son to grow up like him, wants him to be a good swordsman and seems to take pride in him, which is a nice break from clichéedness.
V. OVERALL
I liked it. I'm not into action really, so that's a bit of a white lie. When I say I liked it, I mean that it was well written and if I did enjoy action then I would have enjoyed it.
PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella. |
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