Topic ID: 33816
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thething912
Novelist
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Age: 18
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Posts: 439
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Country: America
300 Points
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 Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: You’ll never love me. |
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How can I make it longer? Edited.
Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?
Why can’t our love ever be?
You reach for my heart and you tear it apart.
The pieces of my heart are all over the floor as you reach for the door.
I spent so many years loving you and you’ll never love me.
Why can’t we ever be?
Baby, I don’t know what to do anymore; please don’t walk out the door.
Oh, why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?
We can never be if you don’t love me.
Do you even know what love is?
Did you ever love anyone before me?
Oh, why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?
You reach for my heart and you tear it apart.
We can never be if you don’t love me... |
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Last edited by thething912 on Sun Aug 03, 2008 4:07 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Dr. Jamie Bondage
Perfectionist
Epic Novelist
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Reviews: 75
3271 Points
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:33 am Post subject: |
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First for gramatical errors:
1. Baby, I don’t what to do anymore;
"Know" should be after don't.
2. Do you even know what love?
"Is" should be after love.
I thought this was really good. I liked it. it flowed well, and besides these few errors, I didn't see anything else. even though it was short, it conveyed real emotions and it was really moving. Keep up the good work.
Jamie |
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My-mystique-Eyes
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 4:05 am Post subject: |
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wow!
This is beautiful! If there was anything To change I would tell you, but...I think it's pretty much perfect.
I expecially like the line that says, You reach for my heart and then tear it apart. you captured something there that says a million things in just one sentance, thats good.
And thats a really good line. =D I like it. |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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318 Points
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 8:32 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't really like this. I couldn't hear any tune and it just didn't flow very well. You've made some of the lines very awkward. Take this one, for example:
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| The pieces of my heart are all over the floor as you reach for the door. |
Generally in a song, you would split it in two, and end with floor and door. But having it as one line makes it very difficult to sing. Not only that, but it's a complete change from the previous lines.
Is this your first song? I'd recommend that you look at some professional lyrics and check out the way they flow, because this just doesn't.
Good luck! |
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*singerofthenight*
just stole your pickle! Wha hahaha *runs off*
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject: |
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*fals heplessly in love*
That, was deep man. Any guys that can express the way they feel liek that is deep.
It was beautiful.
Brilliant.
~jen |
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