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Tears
Tears

by gamechanger10 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction

This thread was created on August 17, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 1 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 2 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 1 Part 2
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 2 Part 2
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 3 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 3 Part 2
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 4 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 4 Part 2
The Rogue-Preface
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 5 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 5 Part 2
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 6 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 6 Part 2
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 7 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 7 Part 2

Sophia's Suitors-Preface

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Merry_Haven   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 2:19 am    Post subject: Sophia's Suitors-Preface Reply with quote

~I had to change this a lot. The preface is a lot longer then before. 'Cause I didn't like the way it sounded and looked. Enjoy, anyway.~

The hot wax dripped ever so slowly down the cream colored, white candle stick, which was making it harder to hold. The fire on the candle, flickered casting dark shadows within the hallways presence. The shadowed figures, were hustling down the creaking floor board. Chestnut floors and whispers from servants and maids made the night haunting and yet daring. Daring enough to talk about death as it lingered throughout the dark walls of the household.

The house, itself, spoke of the dying as it came closer. Closer as death came, everyone waited in silence. Except the loud ticking sound coming from the clock worried a young girl as she sat at the edge of her life. She held tightly around the handle of the burning candle waiting for the end. Waiting for the answer of her dying father.

At the age of fifty-four, Sir George Selwood was in his deathbed and any moment would be his last. He had been a great father and lived a life of prosperity. Sir Selwood was a man of many possibilities and had a heart of gold. He cared so much for his only child and would do anything for her to make her happy in life. Except the man would never see his grandkids and be a grandfather.

Through the whispering atmosphere outside the walls of the room, servants went away with their business. They cared for their master who was dying and prepared for his death. The house servants knew by morning that the elderly master would be long gone. Passed away from the world and it's discoveries.

Even though the candle's fire was trying to heat her up, she was shivering in the cold. I will not worry about me shivering, but of my deathly ill father. She wrapped the thin, tan shawl closer around her thin and fragile body. She had the opinionated mind of her mother's, but a caring heart of her father's. As time was ticking away, she waited in the only source of light coming from the candle.

The young girl, Miss Sophia Selwood was told by the aging doctor to not disturb her father until he came to get her. Several times through out the night, the doctor would come out of the room and give updates from the dying man. Why is he taking forever? I need to see my father, before he dies.

Sophia paced back and forth in the hallway, as worry swam all through her chilled bones. What will become of me, if he dies? Will I be looked down upon or worse fend for myself? Thoughts about being orphaned or living with an unknown relative scared Sophia.

Minutes passed and Sophia was becoming tired. She placed the candle on the chestnut floor board and sat down. Sophia's eyelashes were becoming heavy. She tried not to drift off to sleep. Come on, Sophia! Stay awake, for your father. The only way she thought of staying awake was pinching her arm.

“Ouch.” She squeezed her eyes shut of the pain, for a second, then looked down at her pink arm. At least it kept me awake. Then the grand clock downstairs, struck ten o'clock. Calm down, Sophia. It's only ten o'clock.

Suddenly the sound of a creaking door made Sophia jump and panic rose deep within her. Do not panic! She turned and saw the doctor come out. His graying hair and wrinkled skin showed his age.

“You may come in, Miss Sophia.” He sounded and looked exhausted from checking on her father for the past hour. Don't worry, Sophia, it can't be that bad.

As Sophia calmed herself down she followed the doctor into her father's room. The moment she stepped into the clearing, she rushed to his bedside. “Father!” He looks terrible and worn out. I have to help him.

His white hair was balding and he was tucked away underneath the thick covers. He was getting worse after his wife died sixteen years ago. He didn't even think of another wife, because he thought that would break Sophia's heart if she had a new mother.

Her father opened his tired eyes and slightly turned to face his only child. “Sophia.” His voice was ragged and so Sophia took the glass of water from the end table and tilted the glass for him to take a drink. Hopefully this works.

When he was done, she put the glass back down on the table. “Sophia, my dear.”

“Yes, father?” She spoke with awareness.

“Promise me.” He was starting to drift out and in of conscience. Please don't go, father. Not now.

“Promise what, father?” Sophia took her father's sweaty hands and held them close to her heart. Her relationship with her father was dear to her. She was always by his side when she was younger.

Her father closed his eyes for a mere second and spoke, “Promise me that you will marry one of them.”

Sophia's ocean blue eyes widened. “Who?”

“Your three suitors.” And at those last given words, Sir George Selwood gave his last breath.



Last edited by Merry_Haven on Sat Aug 23, 2008 12:58 am; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 4:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was short & sweet (: I think the length was just right & I already like the sound of this Very Happy
To my critiquing:
Quote:
The night outside was full with carriages filled with elegant people going to lavish balls, yet inside one townhouse a young girl waited in the silence.

Even though full and filled are different words, they still originate from the same word so using them in the same sentence sounds a bit repetitive. Do you get where I'm coming from? So maybe you could alter that ...

Quote:
Through out the evening

Shouldn't it be one word? Throughout?

Quote:
Thought's about being orphaned

No need for an apostrophe there

Quote:
About the doctor: His graying hair and wrinkled skin showed his age.
About her dad: His graying hair was balding and he was tucked away underneath the thick covers.

You've used the same description on two different men .. try altering one of them ...

Quote:
Sophia took her father's sweaty hands and held it them close to her heart.

Awww like this sentence Smile

Quote:
“Your three suitors.” And at those last given words, Sir George Selwood gave his last breath.

Ohhh, liking this Very Happy Who are Sophia's 'three suitors'?? Guess I'll just have to read on to find out Wink hehe


Really liked this, I think the length suited this perfectly & PM me when you post the follow up piece!!
Hope this critique helped, you know how nit-picky I am in reviews Laughing I just hope it helps Very Happy
Lucyy xx

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 4:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lucyy-
thanks for the review! It helped and I'm going to edit it when I finish the next piece.
-Merry
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 10:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooooohhhh, Merry! Right after that last line about the three suitors, I got goosebumps and I just knew this would be good story Very Happy

Quote:
Throughout the evening, the Selwood household was to remain quite and wait for the time to come.


“quiet” instead of “quite”

Quote:
Sir George Selwood was in his deathbed and any given moment would be his last on earth. Mr. Selwood was dying at the age of fifty-four and tonight would be his last.


You use “last” too frequently here. I would reword these two. Also, they both kind of say the same thing so maybe all you need to do is combine.

Quote:
Several times through out the night, the doctor would come out of the room and give any updates from the dying man.


“any” isn’t necessary here. You can just cross that out. Keep it in there makes the sentence really choppy.

Quote:
As Sophia paced back and forth in the hallway, worry swam all through her chilled bones. What will become of me, if he dies? Thoughts about being orphaned or living with an unknown relative scared Sophia.


This was good! Very Happy I really liked how you got into detail about her fear of the unknown. Very realistic. But I must say, I think it would be even better if you added even more of it. This is a perfect opportunity to really let your MC’s personality shine through.

Quote:
As she tried to keep herself awake, the grand clock, downstairs, struck ten o'clock. Calm down Sophia.


No need for the comma after the first “clock”
But there should be a comma after “calm down”

Quote:
Don't worry Sophia, it can't be that bad.


Comma after “worry”

All right, Merry, I think you did really well with this! Very Happy I really enjoyed it. But I do have some things to point out that you might want to watch out for:

1. PACE. I felt that it was very rushed. It took me only like five seconds to read, but that might just be me being a fast reader Confused I’m not sure…but I do think you could have slowed it down by adding Sophia’s thoughts on the matter. Is she sad her father’s dying? Worried about future plans? Is she impatient that the doctor is taking so long? Or would she rather be out partying than here with her father? Stuff like that. Also, this way, you can show us how the relationship between father and daughter is.

2. “LY” WORDS. Maybe it’s just ‘cause I’m in a picky mood but I noticed that you use “ly” words a lot, and in close proximity. I would try to cut those out. You don’t always have to describe them in that way. Experiment with different ways and that will definitely help.

3. SIR SELWOOD. There isn’t much on him yet. We only know that he is bald. Wink Try to show us more through Sophia’s eyes. That way we can feel more for him when he dies.

Other than that, this was great!

On to chapter one>>>>>>

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i got goosebump when i read the last line.

it's seem good, but i should go and read the others chapter that you have post.

now, i am off to read the other chapters. i will probably read chapter one tonight and the read chapter 2 tomorrow.

good luck with continue your stories.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh! Oh! OH! TOTALLY HOOKED.
Very well written.
But, uhm what time are they in? Well, suitors should give it away, yeah?
ha! I'm gonna go read the rest.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 11:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh wow. This is amazing! (:
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy Moly! This was addicting to me. I loved the suspense and the mystery. I have a few questions though. How old is Sophia and are they poor or rich? But once again I am totally hooked. LOVE IT!

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 1:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, I love the new improved preface!! You wrote it beautifully & the starting paragraph was just amazing, it drew me in straight away!
This preface built up loads of suspense & I'm off to read the next chapter straightaway!!
Lucyy xx

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a great preface - I get information about Sophia, I get suspense, I get the idea as to who the suitors are and I get a great setup for a plot! There are a few grammatical errors, however.

Quote:
The young girl, Miss Sophia Selwood was told by the aging doctor to not disturb her father until he came to get her.


You need a comma after Selwood.

Quote:
Will I be looked down upon or worse fend for myself?


You need a pause, in the form of a comma or dash, between upon and or. This would increase our understanding of Sophia being scared of having to fend for herself.

Quote:
She squeezed her eyes shut of the pain, for a second, then looked down at her pink arm.


It's "squeezed her eyes shut from the pain", not of.

Quote:
He was getting worse after his wife died sixteen years ago.


The first part of the sentence makes you think he is getting worse through the hours, but then you explain he got worse when his wife died. You have written it as though he is getting worse in the short-term, then confuse the reader by making it long-term. You need to write how the death of his wife caused him to become worse, because now it does not make sense.

Quote:
Sir George Selwood gave his last breath.


Have you ever given a breath? I haven't. It's not the appropriate verb for breath. You breathe a breath, you let out a breath, you take in a breath, but you do not give a breath. You need to change it.

This is shaping up nicely! I'm going to go read the rest now, because it sounds well worth reading!

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 12:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello Merry!

Okay, I liked this. Its a relief to read one of those 18th century novels. I'm been busy trying to write mine and I am now officially taking a break, so I will say bravo! Some writers come out and so "The father was about to die" But your style and the descriptions were so elegant and lovely. It kept me at the edge of my seat and the last sentence! I'll admit, there could be a little bit more descriptions here and there. Maybe describe how gray and desolate the house seems now that death has knocked on its door. Moans, of pain, probably pour out into the hallway or something. Other than that, it was good and Sophia is a likable character and these three suitors? Well we shall see.

Ta for now,

~Angel

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