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Poetry Fight
Poetry Fight

by Kaylyn in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction

This thread was created on August 18, 2008
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Sophia's Suitors-Preface
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 2 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 1 Part 2
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 2 Part 2
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 3 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 3 Part 2
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 4 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 4 Part 2
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 5 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 5 Part 2
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 6 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 6 Part 2
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 7 Part 1
Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 7 Part 2

Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 1 Part 1

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Merry_Haven   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 5:35 pm    Post subject: Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 1 Part 1 Reply with quote

~Changes made. I'm making each chapter into two parts for this story. Tell me if I should add or take out anything.~

The Monday, early morning light pierced through the glass windows, waking up Sophia. I will never be used to wake up like this. The bright sunshine coming from outside showed the early days of August. She opened up her tired eyes and saw Maria setting out her outfit for the day.

Maria, Sophia's maid, brushed her long, dark hair out of her eyes showing her pale skin. Always being at Sophia's aid showed the obedience of a personal maid.

She glanced at Sophia and smiled, “Good morning, Miss.” Maria was laying out Sophia's baby- blue muslin over the tan couch. Sophia lifted herself up and saw the gown. One of my favorites.

The room, itself, had Sophia's large white bed, the fireplace, which kept her warm at night through the harsh winters. Painting's from her deceased mother, the light brown couch and the black dressers.

Her mother, Lady Selwood had died within minutes giving birth to Sophia. She tried to have a son for the heir of the Selwood family, but that never happened.

Sophia pulled herself out of the four-poster bed and walked over to the windows. “It looks like it'll be a nice day, Maria.” She glanced at Maria and back. “A glorious day at that.”

Maria turned around from the dress, “Miss, you have to get ready for your visitor.”

“Who is it, Maria?”

“A Mr. Kingsford.”

Oh, our family lawyer. The unspoken thought came with Sophia smiling at Maria and asking for the white corset. “The corset, Maria.”

“Of course.” Maria went to the drawers and brought out the small corset.

Maria then took the white corset and started to pull tightly to tie the strings. With having barely no breath to speak, Sophia still went on everyday with the corset tightly on her.

Afterwards Maria pulled the baby blue muslin over Sophia, giving her a beautiful outlook. Because Sophia had natural wavy curls, all Maria had to do was pull them up in a bun with them hanging down. Sophia, then slipped on her white slippers and left the room.

Downstairs, Sophia found a servant. “What room is Mr. Kingsford staying in?”

“He's in your father's study, Miss,” the young girl mentioned. Sophia then left the servant and went to her father's study.

She opened the door and saw him, “Mr. Kingsford.” They both nodded.

“Good morning Sophia.” Mr. Kingsford gave a half attempt of a smile knowing this was early morning. Being with the Selwood family since Sophia's birth, he knew her very well. “Please sit.” He pointed to the larger chair in front of her father's desk.

Today, Mr. Kingsford was wearing a brown suit with black trimmings at the neck and hand. His wife, Mrs. Kingsford was at a luncheon with her fellow friends and their children had children of their own.

As she sat down he spoke, “Your father, Sir George Selwood sent me his will he wrote days before his death.” Mr. Kingsford took his glasses and started to read the will to himself. “I see. Yes. Okay.” The tired wrinkles under his dark eyes showed his old age and the fatherly tone showed how much he cared for Sophia.

I wonder what my father wrote? Sophia waited patiently until her family lawyer looked up at her. His expression towards Sophia was astounded. Father, what did you write?

“Because you're the only child, Sophia.” He paused to looked back down at the will. “Your father is leaving his fortune with you. Except with conditions.”



Last edited by Merry_Haven on Sat Aug 23, 2008 1:16 am; edited 4 times in total
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lucyy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 9:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Only a few small alterations I have spotted:

Quote:
“Because you're the only child, Sophia,


Quote:
“Because your the only child, Sophia, your father is leaving his fortune with you. Except with conditions.”
“What conditions?”

Maybe you could a thought/emotion of Sophia as she learns about these conditions. Eg, is she confused, worried, anxious etc ...

Quote:
Sophia seemed lost but somehow got understood what her father wished for her

I think 'understood' would sound better

Quote:
Whoever they are, I will try my best to pick the right one. Sophia sighed as she looked out the window.

What does she see when she looks out of the window? (setting)

Quote:
Sophia looked out the carriage window, Goodbye home. Miss Sophia Selwood and Maria were now off to a new start in life.

When Sophia's saying goodbye to her house, maybe you could add more detail to it. For example, have her looking out the carriage window at the house as it slowly moves out of her view? Do you get what I mean?
You could try something like: Sophia looked out of the carriage window, watching as the grand house she could no longer call her home unless she found a husband faded out of sight. (something along those lines but better put)

I think to improve you could add some setting of the house as throughout this chapter I was unable to paint a picture in my mind of her house & also a short description of Mr. Kingsford?

Overall I liked this & its building up the suspense as I'm curious as to who these three suitors are & how she will find them!!
I hope this review helped & I can't wait for the follow - up. You have to PM me when you post it Very Happy
Lucyy xx

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 5:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Sophia got used to this everyday, with barely having no breath.

You need to reword this sentence. Try reading your sentences out loud to see if they make sense.
Decide whether you are going to call her Sophia or Miss Sophia. It's confusing when you switch back & forth.
Quote:
Sophia knew that Maria was a little to weak to tie up the strings for the corset,

It should be too.
Describe what Sophia looks like. What Mr. Kingsford looks like. What her home looks like.
Quote:
Maria, Sophia's maid, is a young girl with dark brown hair and pale skin. She's been in the Selwood house for the past several years and is always been obedient and helpful to Miss Sophia.

Here you do a pretty good job of describing Maria, but you forget to describe the other characters and their surroundings.
Quote:
Sophia, then slipped on her white slippers and left the room.

This would be better worded as: Sophia slipped on her white slippers and walked out of the room.
It is a pretty good story but it needs some work.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 9:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lucyy & booklover-
Thanks for the helpful reviews. I actually revised and edited this chapter into two parts. So thanks, again.
-Merry
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 10:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, I just got done correcting your full Chapter One, and when I signed in to YWS and saw that you had it broken up, I was like “No!” hehe Wink I had to do the whole correcting again…

But that’s okay because I like the story! Very Happy It was interesting, Merry. Now it sounds like some game that her father wants her to play. So original, Merry! Very Happy

Quote:
“Good morning, Miss.” Maria was laying out Sophia's baby blue muslin on the light brown couch in her room.


Wow, lots of description here. It seems like you are over emphasizing the muslin and couch. Try something like: …laying out Sophia’s baby-blue muslin over the tan couch. We already know she is in her room so that last part is not needed.

Quote:
“He's in your father's study, Miss.” The young girl mentioned.


Comma after “Miss” instead of a period. And a small “t” on “the”

Quote:
“Good morning Miss Sophia.” As Mr. Kingsford smiled.


“As Mr. Kingsford smiled” what? You just cut it off. Might need to add more there Wink

Good, Merry. I really like this story.

On to Part Two>>>>>>

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ashley-
Sorry that you had to do the correcting thing again. I thought it'll be easier for me to break it up in two parts.
Anyway, thanks. Sometime today, I'll edit it.
Oh, and actually I have the whole storyline down, but I'm not going to give anything away. Wink
So I'll send in the next part later today. Thanks, again.
-Merry
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 12:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ohhh cool.

it's not everyday that the daughter is listed into the fortune becaus eof her her being a female. i have a feel that this is going to be interesting and scary at the same time.

because she will have to deal with fortune hunter and rakes.


seems good for so far, i am off to read the second part of this chapter.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 10:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOVE IT!
The only thing that bothered me is her dress. Depending on the time, she would have a skirt and like a pettie coat and all this other crappy layers, not just the gown. I don't know all the details, but I know that much.
Well, I'm off to see what those 'conditions' are!
So excited!

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jasmine12-
I didn't know that for the outfit. I'll have to change that for the story. So thanks for info.
But this is the 18th hundreds.
Otherwise, thanks for reading!
-Merry
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 11:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

(: This is a really good story!
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 1:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The ending of this is just great - I love the way you've changed this to two parts a chapter - builds up loads of suspense!!
I'm off to read the next part,
Lucyy xx

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This has maintained your standard of excellence. But there were a few grammatical mistakes:

Quote:
The Monday, early morning light pierced through the glass windows, waking up Sophia.


You should have "The early Monday morning light", because Monday is not an adjective for light. You can get rid of "through" altogether, because you pierce something, you don't pierce through it. And I would have "waking Sophia up". I think it sounds better, but that one is more up to you.

Quote:
I will never be used to wake up like this.


It is "I will never be used to waking up like this." She is speaking of getting used to a task, and what are tasks for? Doing. Wak-ing.

Quote:
Maria, Sophia's maid, brushed her long, dark hair out of her eyes showing her pale skin.


There should be a comma after eyes, because her eyes do not show her pale skin, brushing her hair out of the way does.

Quote:
The unspoken thought came with Sophia smiling at Maria and asking for the white corset.


This is strange. Maybe you should have "This thought came to her as she asked for the white corset." Thoughts are always unspoken unless you actually say that the character speaks them. And the "coming with" thing just sounds a bit weird.

Quote:
Maria then took the white corset and started to pull tightly to tie the strings. With having barely no breath to speak, Sophia still went on everyday with the corset tightly on her.


These sentences are plain confusing. Maybe if you rewrote it more cleanly, like saying that she tied "it" instead of "the strings", and just "with the corset on her" instead of "tightly on her". Having barely no breath to speak indicates that Sophia wishes to have no breath, so instead you should have "With barely any breath to speak".

Quote:
“I see. Yes. Okay.”


Is he talking on a phone? This doesn't make sense. Unless he has an invisible friend or is talking to himself, people don't normally talk like this when organising their thoughts.

Overall a fantastic and enthralling story, but be careful about your grammar.

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