Krupp
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 377
Reviews: 97
Country: Sunn O))) territory...
430 Points
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 Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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The story isn't bad...and it's interesting enough that you want to dive fully into the story.
Quiet honestly, though, there are some issues with the storytelling; most of it is concerned with 'telling' what happens instead of revealing plot issues through showing us. You tell us everything that's going on through the characters, but not by use of dialogue or anything similar.
Besides that, there are a few grammar issues to be dealt with, although that's standard in every book that's ever been read over. Keep going with the story, and show more instead of telling, and I'm sure it'll improve. |
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Tlahti
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 10
Country: Denmark
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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I have yet to read the whole thing, but already I see some things that ought to be corrected.
In general you put commas to good use, but after a while you start placing them in some odd places, even going as far as to mix up periods and commas. That, however, is not important.
The main concern I have, especially in the beginning, is the point of view. This changes a lot, and it can be quite confusing. Some times it even changes mid-sentence.
| Quote: |
| 1She whispered into Aliana’s ear, 2the old moth’s majestic voice soothed her very soul, and she slumped down onto her bed of velvet. |
1: First we see it from the moth's POV, as she interacts with Aliana
2: From here on it's seen from Aliana's POV.
and
| Quote: |
| Her1 old mentor fluttered her2 tattered wings, landing softly on her3 shoulder |
1: This "her" clearly refers to Aliana
2: This "her" could, in theory, still be Aliana, but as her mentor is described as having wings, whereas Aliana hasn't, one would assume that you're talking about the moth
3: Third "her" in one sentence. Besides the repitition, you're now back to Aliana, making it two changes in perspective in a single sentence.
Some times it looks to me as if some parts of the sentences doesn't fit in with the rest.
| Quote: |
| The general awoke, grinning in unison with his lord, he had the same lust for power as his master and knew he would be rewarded greatly if they had victory on this morn. |
You do these a lot. You write a sentence and put something extra in the middle (I forgot the English term)
Let me give an example. "I am, in cooperation with a friend, going to write a book". Now I'm venturing into a part of English literature where I am not completely sure, but those 'extra' parts (bolded) are, in reality, redundant, and the sentence could be "I am going to write a book". With this in mind, let's go back to your sentence. "The general awoke, grinning in unison with his lord, he had the same lust for power as his master and knew he would be rewarded greatly if they had victory on this morn." and removing the 'extra' part: "The general awoke, he had the same lust for power as his master and knew he would be rewarded greatly if they had victory on this morn". While I see nothing wrong with the grammar, this sentence doesn't make much sense to me, and I would suggest splitting it up with a period.
Another example
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| Aliana, exited her tent, an extreme lust for victory inside her. |
You have added a comma right after "Aliana" even though it shouldn't be there (as the sentence is now). One thing you could do is to change it a little bit: "Aliana, exitING her tent, an extreme lust for victory inside her."
This leads back to the previously mentioned problem with sentenses not making much sence. Again removing the extra part we get: "Aliana, an extreme lust for victory inside her."
You could also just remove the comma, getting: "Aliana exited her tent, an extreme lust for victory inside her". To me at least, this looks like a grammatical correct sentence, though I don't think the last part fits.
As I said, I have only read some of it. Some of the errors I have pointed out are just examples, and a few more can be found if you look for them.
Now, I know I haven't said anything nice about it yet, and it is partly because I haven't read it all. I have yet to see the characters develop, as well as the plot, so you have my sincerest apologies for not adding enough positives sides to balance out my rather negative review. Nevertheless, I hope that I was of some help to you, and I hope you don't think I'm an idiot now  . There is one big compliment before I leave, and that is, that I find the language of the story to be nicely varied (if you look past those unfortunate "she"s), and I could learn something from your diversity. I believe I shall finish the story at some point, and when/if I do I'll make sure to tell you what I think of it (unless you want me to shut my mouth ) |
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In omnibus requiem quaesivi, et nusquam inveni nisi in angulo cum libro.
Character in avatar belongs to Sarah Ellerton. |
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