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This thread was created on August 25, 2008
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Every moment.
Topic ID: 35060
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GAM
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 5
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 8:54 pm Post subject: Every moment. |
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A second determines a lifetime,
what you do now may make or mar your destiny.
For everything done under the surface of the earth,
there is a consequence.
Think Big, Dream Big and penultimately achieve Big.
What you think determines,
what you do;what you do determines how you act,
how you act determines your character,
also your character determines your reputation.
Maximize every moment of your life,
because every moment of your life helps to fix a part in the
giant jigsaw puzzle which is your destiny.
So Keep Reading and keep dreaming.  . |
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Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8719
Reviews: 2137
Country: USA
1951 Points
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 9:39 pm Post subject: |
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This seems to want to be an inspirational message, but it doesn't really work with me. I'm used to reading these inspirational stories which are that--stories of people succeeding. It's really cool. You learn the conflict that they faced and, despite everything, they succeed anyway! And that sort of stuff is awesome and I love it.
What I like about those inspirational things is that the person has to struggle through a conflict in order to become a success. There is a dark side to it and you could see that he could have just given up, but he didn't. Such inspirational stuff is inspiring because there are so many people who have taken the easy way out, but he didn't and he has been rewarded. His story is not naivety because he's gone through enough conflict in order to understand both sides, yet he still picked the right path, regardless.
Now, what this poem needs is conflict. This is mostly just a bunch of inspirational messages and advice strung together in the shape of the poem. But it's not inspiring. How can it? There is nothing to say, "I struggled but I overcame everything." It's just, "Do this! Do that! Do this!" over and over again. So throw this away. If you want to inspire, you must show us why. Don't just tell us to think big and dream big. Show us why we should. Prove it. You tell us to maximize every moment of our life... well, how are we supposed to do that? If I think I am getting the maximum moment out of my life critiquing this poem, millions of others would scoff at me and saying that I am wasting my youth. So prove why we should care. Put conflict in the background, otherwise people will never see why it's worth it. |
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Krupp
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 378
Reviews: 97
Country: Sunn O))) territory...
455 Points
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 11:27 pm Post subject: |
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Anything I could've said was pretty much spken aloud by Snoink...so uh...yeah...heh.
To be honest, the only thing that really bothered me was the bold print that you had on one or two lines. I wouldn't do taht in the future; it's just an eyesore to me.
I will say, however, that it's nice to hear something positive on these forums for a change...keep hammering away at that positivity and good things'll come to you. |
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| This thread was created on August 25, 2008 |
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