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by Angel of Death in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Lyric Poetry

This thread was created on September 2, 2008
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Time as futile motion

Topic ID: 35487
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Kakburken   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 6:30 pm    Post subject: Time as futile motion Reply with quote

The merciless flow

once again brings on the ebb.

Kindles anew, that

brooding inner glow.



Lights a flame that's wan

over blurry visions fall.

Perturbs the wound, of

time eluding man



Seamless at it's core -

time dances by carelessly.

Laughs at our attempts

as we beg for more



With logic reversed

we waste time in dull remorse.

Grasping grains of sand

the wind has dispersed.



Runs through our fingers -

only then we realize,

the cruel consequence

of past that lingers



Easy to discern:

this truth is hard to follow.

Know I should move on

But never I learn



Such grim thoughts beset

me as well and when they do

I clasp them always

In pensive regret.

--------------------------------------------

In the last line I would've liked a stronger word than pensive, but all I could think of was Melancholy, without the "y" to fit the rhythm scheme. Suggestions for a replacement are very welcome.



/Give me your worst, Kakburken



EDITED: Added punctuation.

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Last edited by Kakburken on Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:43 pm; edited 3 times in total
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bisquit   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 10:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

firstly, this is really cool. The rhythm is consistent and therefore makes the poem easier to read and keep up with.
i would say that you may want to think about adding some commas in to break it down a little though. i don't think this would disrupt the rhythm either.
great work
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Kakburken   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 4:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for your comment.

As for commas, you might be right. I actually didn't think of those little buggers at all. Perhaps they would make the poem easier to read.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice work! The rhyme was quite good and so was the choice of words.

Oh yes, just 1 thing...try adding punctuation. It makes a poem easier to read. Smile

Other than that, good work!

Keep writing,
Smile

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Matt Bellamy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You sue big words! Razz Well, more unusual than big really, which made this difficult for me to read, because I didn't really know what you were trying to say. Perhaps I'm just not your target audience, hehe. So yes, it was a little wordy, I suppose. You also seem to speak in fragments in places, and this: "Know I should move on/But never I learn" is kind of Yoda speak. Laughing Actually, on a second reading your vocabulary isn't as over my head as I at first thought, and I wonder how many people have beset and wan in their vocab - the first one, I have never heard before, this is not really a criticism, just something that made it more difficult for me to read the first time. Also, your rhyming scheme is a little unusual, the ABCA rather than ABCB or ABAB. I quite like that about this piece. And the last two stanzas are nice too - pensive sounds just fine to me.

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