Topic ID: 35491
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
the-rainbow-dreamer
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 23 Aug 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 4
Country: UK
300 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: The Tale of Remus Lupin |
 |
|
Chapter 1: Bitten
___________________________________________
It all started on a cold, wet winter night when Remus was only a small boy of 5. He did not understand what was worrying his parents so because he guessed it had nothing to do with him. He rolled over onto his side facing the window when he saw it, a shadow moving past his bedroom window. He felt frightened, they lived in a bungalow in the country and he had seen some wild animals before but his parents where in the next room so that relaxed him enough to fall asleep.
At a quarter past midnight there was a terrible snarling and breaking glass noise from within his room. Remus awoke with a start and saw an enormous figure in the middle of the mess. He started to cry. He could hear his parents awaking and moving around in their bedroom and began to cry louder as the monstrous figure moved its eyes upon his face.
He saw two deep green eyes and a face of fur staring at him baring its teeth and then it pounced upon the innocent boy sinking its teeth into his shoulder. All he could remember after that was an excruciating pain and his mother and father bursting into his room as he screamed as he had never screamed before it all went black.
___________________________________________
I know this is rather short but I want sure how to extend it. How do you think I can improve it and make it more interesting? |
_________________
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife". Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7088
Reviews: 1754
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1160 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello there!
I thought I would let you know that I shortened your line breaks. If line breaks are too long, then the front page of YWS stretches out.
Also, I see you have no reviews. Are you aware of the two reviews for one story rule? Basically what it means is that for every one story you post, you should review two things. I'm not sure how many stories you've posted, but perhaps you should get to those reviews. We won't eat you unless you never review.  It's a courtesy to other writers, as well as a great way to receive reviews in return. If you aren't sure how to give a review, or what a review is, just PM me and I can help you with that! If you have questions about anything else, feel free to ask me! |
_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me. |
|
| Back to top |
|
happy-go-lucky
Goody Two Shoes
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 24 May 2008
Posts: 400
Reviews: 48
Country: England
359 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 8:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hiya! I like it!
You said you wanted some tips on how to make it longer, so I have 2 suggestions:
1. Elaborate. Descriptions of the house, his room, etc (always good for adding a paragraph or two more!  )
2. Tension. He's scared so by building up the tension you keep the reader hooked. Doors creaking, floorboards, the shadow you mentioned before, all of it is helping to make the story seem more threatening towards Remus. Also the senses are great to add in when building up tension.
In conclusion, a great start to the story, keep writing! |
_________________
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world"
- Oscar Wilde
"It is not necessary for eagles to be crows."
- Chief Sitting Bull |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fellow
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Sep 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 58
Country: Romania
180 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:33 am Post subject: Review |
|
|
Ok here we go!
1) Describe more of the feeling that Remus gets when he sees the shadow. Ok he saw animals before.
"The form of the shadow was human-like. A man trapped between what was left of his humanity and a hungry animal." or something like that. I gave you an example.
2) The kid is crying, screaming and the parents are not yet there? Argh! Dad comes with a gun in his hands (wand- i don't really know the story of Remus from HP) his mother comes into the room and tries to get Remus but the werewolf dashes her on the floor then turns at the boy again.
3) Every animal or werewolf in this part has smells... his fur smells... "A smell of blood and death covered his senses. He reaches with his little hand and grabs some hair. ... The werewolf bites him ... As his hand loses its pleading grasp he sees his own blood dripping from the mouth of the werewolf"
4) Describe the night, the house, the room in which Remus was sleeping, the day that he had. |
_________________
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic35881.html - Need reviews? Click! |
|
| Back to top |
|
200397
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Nov 2007
Posts: 79
Reviews: 41
Country: land of the free, home of the brave . . .
788 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:12 am Post subject: Re: The Tale of Remus Lupin |
|
|
[quote]
It all started on a cold, wet winter night when Remus was only a small boy of 5 (five). He did not understand what was worrying his parents so because he guessed it had nothing to do with him. He rolled over onto his side facing the window(.) (He) saw it, a shadow moving past his bedroom window. He felt frightened(.) (T)hey lived in a bungalow in the country and he had seen some wild animals before but his parents where in the next room(.) (T)hat (thought) relaxed him enough to fall asleep.
(T)here was a terrible snarling and breaking glass noise from within his room. Remus awoke with a start and saw an enormous figure in the middle of the mess. He started to cry (with fright). He could hear his parents awaking and moving around in their bedroom and began to cry louder as the monstrous figure moved its eyes (to) his face.
He saw two deep green eyes (in) a face of fur staring at him baring its teeth and then it pounced upon the innocent boy sinking its teeth into his shoulder. All he could remember after that was an excruciating pain and his mother and father bursting into his room as he screamed as he had never screamed before it all went black. |
_________________
Need a critique? PM me! I'll be good, I promise.
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
writer_ally_reader
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 7
Country: The world of Fantasy...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 10:11 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I liked it. I think it needs more description though. Since it is short you have to make every word count. Choose your words carefully and use them to paint the image you want to portray. Just write it more as a story because right now it just sounds like a list of what is happening and is not very engaging. I thought it was a good start! Just use more description. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Chirantha
The boy genius.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 753
Reviews: 143
Country: Somewhere above or below ground
1671 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: |
|
|
I don't know but it needed a bit more. But I do have some suggestions.
Try to describe more. Like about how his normal life was like. And a few days before the attack. It is suppose to be about Remus Lupin. So you have to describe not only abut his attack but also about him, his parents, his home, his friends, his feelings, his room, his possesions, and stuff like that.
Then try to describe about his feelings when Fenrir Greyback came to his room and also before he came to the room. Ans also, you could have described about his parents reaction and when the wolf bit him and so on.
Good luck. |
_________________
"ARE WE GOOD TO GO?" - Julius Root
"No need to shout, commander. These head sets could pick up a spider scratching in Madagascar" - Foaly
"And is there a spider scratching in madagascar?" -Julius Root |
|
| Back to top |
|
hershey
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 12 Jun 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 10
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 8:51 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I think it's good, but it could be a lot better.
1. Commas are your friend. If you're going to have a long sentence, break it up with commas. Or just make it a whole new sentence.
2. Grammar mistake. [quote]"...but his parents where in the next room so..." It's were, not where.
3. Add some description. What's Lupin feeling? What is happening? What does it look like around him?
Other than that, it has the potential to be a really great story. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
lauren lightning.
New Member
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Sep 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 1
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 6:48 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It's a great story idea, I've never seen a Remus Lupin fan fiction before  .
It's very short, so maybe you could have added more to what Remus was feeling when he saw the creature at the window.
I agree with what happy-go-lucky has to say about tension, I suppose that goes under thoughts and feelings. Using senses is good, like sight, smell, feel, taste, etc.
Also, maybe you could add some more description as to what the creature looked like.
It's a great story, keep on writing . |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
the-rainbow-dreamer
Novice
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 23 Aug 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 4
Country: UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 7:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
thanks everyone for reviewing
I will take note of everything you say
you've been a great help |
_________________
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife". Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice |
|
| Back to top |
|
Jaden G.
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Apr 2008
Posts: 124
Reviews: 15
Country: Down the road and around the corner, over the bridge where the munchkins live
428 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 12:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow...
This could have been more detailed and a tad longer. I am a total Remus fanatic so I will be blunt... it could have been better.
I do like the story and I am so excited that someone wrote a Remu Lupin fanfiction! There was the grammar mistake as said above and there could have been more detail to add to this story.
Anyway, I loved the plot and I can't wait for the next chapter to be posted! Congratulations and you get a cookie!
*hands over cookie*
Bye!
[Remus: Help me! She's nuts!]
Shush Remus! No cookie for you! |
_________________
Christianity is not a religion. It's a relationship. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Matt3187
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 05 Aug 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 5
Country: England
419 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 1:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Heya.
I like the idea of a Lupin story and i see great potential for it.
However i feel there are a couple of things that could be improved.
I would certainly echo the comment about increasing the descriptive narrative.
I would also consider slowing down the pace of the story.
The bite is a major event in the story of Lupin and perhaps it would be wise to have this happen after a few pages or after we get to know lupin
But keep going. |
_________________
Im trying to think off something apportiatly witty and hnumerous to write...
But it just aint happening. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
