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Salliewalker
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 Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:14 pm Post subject: iFantasy |
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Stepping onto cloud nine,
Basking in the sunshine,
Dancing by the light of the moon,
Singing a melodious tune,
Running through a field of grass,
Swimming through a sea so vast,
Closing my eyes to the loveliest of lullabies,
Opening them when my Ipod dies. |
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Last edited by Salliewalker on Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:29 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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piepiemann22
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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Lets see, I thought it was nice, but it needs a lot of work all the same. I'll point out what I think can be fixed.
1) Idea: Your poem has no set meaning at all. "What are you trying to say?" is what I asked myself. One second your in the sun, the next your dance to the moon, then your swimming. This poem doesn't come together in any way at all.
2) Punctuation and Rhyme: You gave one period. One. That's not even close. When writing a poem punctuation is used so show breaks, pauses, feeling, and rhythm. Without it your poem can't flow. Your rhyming didn't help either. It works for the first few lines, but then in becomes crude and doesn't really fit. Especially the last two line.
3) Changes: Your last two lines completely destroy what there was to the poem to begin with.
"Closing my eyes to the loveliest of lullabies (Closing my eyes to a lovely lullaby.) Maybe this.
Opening them when my Ipod dies." (I don't know.)
The last line destroys it when you mention the ipod. The whole line is also hard to understand all together. I'd try something different.
Good luck fixing it, need any help let me know.
~Mr. Pie |
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Salliewalker
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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I'm sorry. But I think you may be looking at this a little too deeply ;o.
This was only intended to be a light, humorous poem. The narrator is a person that is daydreaming while listening to his (or her) Ipod. When a person daydreams (or at least when I do) the scene in their mind may change at least a few times. I don't like to be thinking about a meadow all day, regardless how pretty I might make it. Then when that person is caught up in a 'most loveliest of lullabies', that person snaps awake. It's simply a poem intended to surprise and humor.
As for the punctuation, I got you on that. I wrote this a long time ago, and simply found it on a Word Document and pasted it on here without double checking things. Thanks for telling me that~ |
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piepiemann22
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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I meant no offence. Just tried to correct what I saw was wrong.
If this is suppose to be someone thinking while day dreaming, maybe make that a bit more clear. I did a poem like that once. I knew what I was talking about, but everyone else was like "Huh?" lol. I was told by a very good poet and friend on the site that if you have to explian what your taking about outside of the poem, you didn't do a good job.
Oh well, don't give up. I still look at my old poems to see if there was anything I missed now and again.
~Mr. Pie |
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Salliewalker
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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No offence taken  .
Maybe I would change it if it was another poem, that had a more serious mood. I could understand you on that. But this poem was only intended to be a light, funny sort of surprise. I guess you may have to be in a relaxed mood/environment to be able to appreciate it--wanting to do a serious critique would only spoil it. |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:00 pm Post subject: Re: iFantasy |
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I think this is actually a really cute poem =] I like the movement through the tracks, one place of daydream to another. Very sweet, it's a nice idea. I actually think you could expand on this further, although it's only meant to be a funny little poem, the idea of songs and what they make you feel is lovely and could be very deep and meaningful if you wanted to make it that way =]
iPod is iPod not Ipod - that always makes me feel funny but it looks so wrong as Ipod somehow. |
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