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The Hidden Face
The Hidden Face

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Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on September 3, 2008
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Possible Related Items Follow:
A Bloodied Rose part one
A Bloodied Rose part two
A Bloodied Rose part three
The Music Of The Night part 3

A Bloodied Rose Part four

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Tabithalillian   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 8:49 pm    Post subject: A Bloodied Rose Part four Reply with quote

I thought briefly about Ethel and Lee. Sometimes I envied them so much. They were so innocent. They would both die after a happy life some day, and Ethel would never have to worry about accidentally killing Lee in the middle of the night or vice versa.

I slipped into my pajamas and then into my bed, faking sleep just in time. Ethel walked in and kissed the top of my head good night. She gave a brief shiver upon the contact she made with my icy skin. She is used to it, though, to so she left with the thought that I always forced into her mind. It's nothing. She left the room with a slightly glassy look in her washed out blue eyes. I waited a few minutes to hear if the couple were both in bed, then I slid into their room resting my hands on both their foreheads and forcing the word sleep into their minds. Of course they were both out like lights, leaving me the rest of the night to do as I pleased.

Walking silently down the stairs and slipping out our front door after changing into a sweater and jeans, I took a long breath (though I do not need it). I still like the feel of cold air in my lungs though the cold no longer affects me. And I began my run to Boston, one of my all time favorite hunting grounds. I ran and ran for a while until I felt a nagging at the back of my mind and sensed a familiar presence into he woods near by, Christian. Crap.

I would just keep running-- unless he was expecting me he wouldn't know what hit him. I felt a strong cold hand catch my wrist. And I stopped as Christian slowly pulled me back in near him.

"What do you want now Christian?" I hissed.

"It is possible I just wanted to say hello to my sister, have a little chat, or possibly I am carrying a wonderful and amazing message that I have been given," He taunted with that awful mocking smile I hate so much playing on his thin ruby lips. He never fails to hit a nerve when around me, and he knows how much I hate him playing around the point until I force him to tell. Well that is just what I thought I would have to do this time.

I slammed my hands over next to his shoulders, pinning him to the oak he was lounging against.

"Do not play with me Christian, if you have something worthwhile to tell me then spit it out. If you came here simply to chat... then go." I filled my voice and face full of distaste, of all the vampires to be my brother in blood it had to be self-absorbed, cocky Christian.

I sharpened my fangs to deadly points and my eyes went completely ruby red in thirst.

"Hormones acting up tonight Calla?" taunted Christian, smiling the most infuriating smile. It is a wonder that I have not killed him yet.

"I drank a vampire blood once Christian do not make me do it again," I said. Most likely I would not drink from him but it always makes a good threat and I do love making those.

"You wouldn't dare." spat Christian, a tone of cockiness still in his voice. I moved closed and brushed my fangs against the vein in his throat (dang it takes pretty awesome control to be this close to good blood and not go insane because you're not drinking it.)

"With me Christian... expect the unexpected." I said smiling.

"Hell Calla..." Christian reminded me of the threat he used to give me when I was young. I have learned too much since them.

"I wonder if one of the devil's own creatures can be sent to Hell again?" I asked sarcastically, and then a smile played on my own lips.

I always win.

"Ella is coming back, apparently with some pretty big news and some new orders for you. She said to expect her any time from now to two days from now," snarled Christian. I released him but kept my defenses up.

"No one gives me orders." I growled under my breath and when I turned I heard Christian snickering. I smashed my fist into his sturdy looking jaw bone and he hissed in pain. Served him right.

With that, I switched my 'human' form for that of a snowy white dove and flew off in the direction of my hunting grounds.


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jasmine12   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 9:30 pm    Post subject: Re: A Bloodied Rose Part four Reply with quote

Sorry this took me so long!
This was quite short but just as many nit-picks...odd.
Quick question before I forget. What happened to Jackson? Haha?

okay here I go!!!


Quote:
I thought briefly about Ethel and Lee

It took me a second to realize who you were talking about here. You might want to rephrase to something like I thought briefly about my adopted parents, Ethel and Lee. Just to remind the reader who they are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
She is used to it, though, to so she left with the thought that I always forced into her mind. It's nothing.

This would sound better without the second "to". And even if you used to there would be two oo's
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
I still like the feel of cold air in my lungs though the cold no longer affects me.

This is good, I like it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
"It is possible I just wanted to say hello to my sister, have a little chat, or possibly I am carrying a wonderful and amazing message that I have been given," He taunted with that awful mocking smile I hate so much playing on his thin ruby lips.

Let's see...hmmm.... After taunted we put a period and start the new sentences kind of like He looked at me with that awful mocking smile, one that I hate so much, playing on his thin ruby lips. Also, you use 'Ruby' for a couple of your descriptions I think, go for another word, I'd give you options but my computer won't load my thesaurus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
I filled my voice and face full of distaste, of all the vampires to be my brother in blood it had to be self-absorbed, cocky Christian.

After distaste put a period and the next part is a perfect sentence. Also, distaste is kind of a weak word for emotion like this, go for something like anger, venom, or....Okay, seriously my thesaurus needs to load like right now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
I sharpened my fangs to deadly points and my eyes went completely ruby red in thirst.

Theres that ruby red I was telling you about. How does she 'sharpen' her fangs? Is that the word you were really looking for here?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
It is a wonder that I have not killed him yet.

I forgot what they are called but it is like putting two words together to make a smaller one. You do not do that often. Is that on purpose (do you want her to really think and talk like that) or do you just forget to say 'I've' Instead of I have?
Quote:
Most likely I would not drink from him but it always makes a good threat and I do love making those.

Here it is again. In my opinion it would sound better if you said 'Wouldn't' instead of would not. See?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:

"You wouldn't dare." spat Christian, a tone of cockiness still in his voice.

Comma after dare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
I moved closed and brushed my fangs against the vein in his throat (dang it takes pretty awesome control to be this close to good blood and not go insane because you're not drinking it.)

I love the emotion here, it shows who she is and what she thinks of herself. But I'm not sure if putting this in parentheses is the right answer. Maybe italics? I dunno.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
"With me Christian... expect the unexpected." I said smiling.

I said comma smiling
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
"Hell Calla..." Christian reminded me of the threat he used to give me when I was young. I have learned too much since them.

"Hell Calla..." Christian said, reminding me of the threat he use to give me when I was young. Do you see the difference? I also think it's stretched there...reword it maybe?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
"Ella is coming back, apparently with some pretty big news and some new orders for you. She said to expect her any time from now to two days from now," snarled Christian. I released him but kept my defenses up.

Okay, commas for dramatic effect. He should say this in an eerie tone don't you think? Try something like "Ella is coming back," He said, suddenly serious. All hints of humor washed from his expression. "She has some news for you, and an order or to. She said to expect her within the next frew days." His voice turned harsh at the end. I realeased his body from the tree, keeping my own defences up. I dunno. Keep it the way you want it if you think yours is better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:

"No one gives me orders." I growled under my breath and when I turned I heard Christian snickering. I smashed my fist into his sturdy looking jaw bone and he hissed in pain. Served him right.

Comma after orders. You sais she turned, but if she turned away, say that, then say that she turned back and then punched him. Just to clearify any confusition.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is good.
Sorry if I commented on everything. But I'm just trying to help.
PM me when you get the next part up!!!

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lotti   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hi tabithalillian
i just got your message, and sure il comment on your work.

first off i really enjoy vampire/fantasy fiction, but so many people write in so we get endless clishas.
but im glad to say in the most part you've strayed away from them!
having sed il still add the warning off the whole teenage angst vamp.
anyway...
i really like the way the story is progressing, with ella coming back with new orders, and frankly im intreged!!!

now the improvment stuff.
like you commented before you dont want this to be like the twilight seriers, so please please for heavens sake change the sisters name from alice to anything eles!!! lol
cos when i read to first chapter i was imediatly struck with the commparison.
id also like calla's human life to have more details, because i liked the bit when she sed about killing collin again. reveling more of her past when it is relevent within the story is a good angle.
In the third one i think, when you write about vampire myths it sound like a list. which isnt gd. i think thats the weakest part of the four chapters. it doesnt seem to have much relerance, though i like it that you fleshing out your vampire world, perhaps it could be presented more gradulally within your work, not just a big block of information.

so yh i thinks thats all.
theres some origional things here. like calla saying she could equally be the preppy kid at your school, which made me lol, rectifying the previous comment about goths
i really do like this! just make sure its fresh without the whole twilight theme (you know girls bedroom via the window) and i cant wait to read more.
the moya seem exeptionally interesting!
looking forward to more of your writing, message me with chapter 5 when its ready, and maybe you could cheek out some of my work please?
xxx
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooo, Ella is returning. I wonder what she has for Calla to do? I guess I will just have to wait for the next chapter to find out.

Quote:
I thought briefly about Ethel and Lee.


Okay, I realized later that these are Calla’s “parents”. But you have to give us more clue than just telling us randomly. Each chapter has to be connected in some way. This one by far is the most random start. Need to make the transition smoother. If time has passed between chapter three and chapter four, indicate that. You know what I mean?

Quote:
"What do you want now Christian?" I hissed.


Quote:
"Do not play with me Christian, if you have something worthwhile to tell me then spit it out. If you came here simply to chat... then go."


Quote:
"Hormones acting up tonight Calla?"


Quote:
"I drank a vampire blood once Christian do not make me do it again,"


Quote:
"With me Christian... expect the unexpected." I said smiling.


Quote:
"Hell Calla..."


All of these quotes are the same. Remember the name rule I mentioned earlier? That applies to all of these. For example, this last sentence should have a comma after “Hell” so there is one before the name “Calla.” It works for all of them.

Well, that’s really all the advise I can give you. I have really no other complaints.

Keep up the good work!

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