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Broken - 10
Broken - 10

by CastlesInTheSky in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on September 5, 2008
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Broken Glass

Topic ID: 35613
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Samantha Thiele   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:04 am    Post subject: Broken Glass Reply with quote

Chapter One

I looked around at all the faces. None of them familiar but That's how it always is. There's just no room to make friends...what difference would it make anyway they'd eventually just dub me a freak and that would be that; more people to make my life miserable. Not to mention the fact that no one would want to be my friend anyways. I wonder if they realized they were broken into groups of look alikes. The jocks, the preps, and the nerds were all in separate groups. Then there were the gothic Emo kids, the geeks and then there's me just me all by myself. It didn't matter though because if I ever get away from this horrible town I wouldn't bother to ever look back.

I looked down at the wooden table tracing the grain lines with my index finger. There was a tray of hot food in front of me but I had no intention to touch it. School food just didn’t appeal to me and never has. Just a greasy slice of pizza and some milk, sometimes I'd grab an apple and actually eat it because the lunch lady smiles when people decide to eat healthy.

My name is Raven Elizabeth Johns I'm a 9th grader at Moden Adams high school. It doesn't matter what I look like. My too straight brunette hair that drapes my shoulders will never stand out and my dark blues weren‘t much different than anyone else‘s. Even though I’m a full 5’6 and nearly impossible to miss I’m practically invisible to everyone, especially my step mother.

Sometimes I want so bad to run far, far away and forget that he exist and forget what happened and what's going to happen when I get home. I felt the light sting of a bruise under my shirt, instinctually without thinking I touched it. The pain inflamed. I wanted it to disappear along with the scars on my wrist, I just want the pain to go away.

Late at night after my mother has left to find her next fix I'll think about why she loves her bottle more. The only thing I can think of is that the bottle never disappoints her, at least while it's full.

The day was almost over and I wasn't sure where I'd go to kill time or what accuse I'd give her for not being home on time. Maybe the dock, if I fall in she'll have her accuse. She wouldn't miss me just the adoptive money she gets every month.

I remember one time when I was younger I tried to tell them, the foster people, about her drinking problem. She was there and augured that I mixed gingreal up with vodka. Of course since I was only ten then, they believed her.

I would try again except she has help now; her new boyfriend doesn't try to hide his fists, only his brains.

I know one day when I'm far away from him, he shall have his rightful karma. I was awaken from my pointless thoughts by annoyed voice, an impatient voice.

"Can you hear or are you deaf?!"

His voice was elevated like it was a repeated question, which was more than likely true.

"Hmmmm?"

I mumbled really not caring, people didn’t pay attention to me so why should I pay attention to them?

"Like I was saying, do you have a boyfriend?”

That caught me off guard I was positive he just wanted me to move and I was fully prepared to.

I turned to face the voice. It was a tall boy maybe a year or so older than me. His eyes were a pale blue and his hair was jet black with green spikes. He was abnormally tall, maybe 6ft.

And above all, strangely attractive. He was wearing baggy pants with chains hanging from the pockets and a plain black tee shirt.

Other than the fact that he was just messing with me I could see myself liking him. It really is too bad he's just being a jerk like everyone else.

"There you go again spacing on me, if it's yes, just say so please!” he sighed.

"Your serious?”

This was certainly puzzling me, was he actually trying to socialize with me? I looked up feeling compelled to answer.

"Emm, I don't have a boyfriend."

"Good I think... Do you think we can hang out after school? I have some...Friends that I think you'll like."

I had to think about his question, he wanted to ‘Hang out’ with me? I wasn’t really sure what to say, no one’s ever truly wanted to ‘Hang out’ with me before. I sighed and decided it would hopefully be better than spending a few hours at the dock...Alone.

"Well okay as long as you don’t...kill me."

He started to laugh.

"I promise not to kill you.... Today. No worries.... I’m Eric what's your name?"

"Samantha.... I go by Raven though."

My first name was always difficult to bare. It was just too...Long. Annoying. Used and abused. Samantha was someone I didn’t want to be. Not now, not ever.

"Cool since we're not being formal I'm Spike."

He gave me a boyish grin, that made me think of a bull dog. Just how there teeth look when they grin. I couldn’t bare to call something like him by a dog’s name.

"Hmm I like Eric better besides Spike sounds, no offense like a dog's name."

I looked away, not wanting to hear his answer, and though I knew he wouldn’t I prepared myself, mentally, to be hit. Instead he looked away and sort of grimaced like he was being hit. After a few seconds he decided to continue the conversation.

"That's cool. What's wrong with Samantha?"

Adam calls me that. Every second of the day, my thoughts always returned to him. My abuser.

"Nothing! It’s just to.... British."

I faked an accent at the last part, so James Boundish. He chuckled a little but his eyes were still a little tight.

Well mom, I have my excuses if your not passed out when I get home.

Maybe I'll remember him after I leave. Maybe he'll be.... Nice.

"Can I....hang out with you now, too? I've got questions and you've have answers."

He pulled out one of the five free chairs at my round table and sat down.

"Be my guest."

He was already sitting I was going to make him leave.

He smiled warmly raveling his teeth and I swear I saw fangs.




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sokool15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there!
Overall, I thought this was a good story - well written, engaging, smooth, flowing style, and easy to read. I also really like your character - the reader knows a lot about her and grows sort of attached to her fairly quickly, which is a difficult thing to do.

One question - why did he ask if she had a boyfriend, if (as I assume) he's a vampire and he's just planning to eat her?

A couple of nitpicks, mistakes in bold:

Quote:
None of them familiar but That's how it always is


That's = that's No capital T randomly in the middle of the sentence. Razz

Quote:
"Your serious?”


Your = You're


Quote:
"Nothing! It’s just to.... British."


to = too

Quote:

Maybe I'll remember him after I leave. Maybe he'll be.... Nice.
"Can I....hang out with you now, too? I've got questions and you've have answers."
He pulled out one of the five free chairs at my round table and sat down.
"Be my guest."
He was already sitting I was going to make him leave.
He smiled warmly raveling his teeth and I swear I saw fangs.


you've have = 'you've got' or perhaps just 'you have.'

raveling - revealing

A little confusion with who is saying what in here. Is Erik asking questions? And why should Raven have answers? Or is it Raven with questions and Erik mysteriously has answers? who says "be my guest"?
"He was already sitting I was going to make him leave." That's a run-on sentence and it doesn't make any sense. If she invited him to sit, why is she going to make him leave?

I also noticed that throughout the chapter you used tons and tons of ellipses - the three dots. Those are all very well sometimes, but don't over-use. I suggest you go through and count how many times you used them, then elliminate at least half. Have fun with that, haha. Also, after a dot dot dot, you don't need to capitalize the next word.

Also, I'd suggest you read your dialogue out loud so you can maybe get some better punctuation going. Sometimes your sentences were a little awkward, and sometimes they were run-ons. Just a thought.

Besides those little things - not big deals, really - I liked this piece! Really good work, and I look forward to seeing more of it. Pm me with your next installment? Or is this just a one-shot deal?

Au revoir,
MademoiselleKool Cool

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This thread was created on September 5, 2008

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