Topic ID: 35652
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
andrew.j.m
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 24
200 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 6:13 am Post subject: Love. |
 |
|
Some say love is like a roller coaster. Some say love is like being dipped in warm water after being in the cold too long, covering you, leaving no part untouched. Some say love is like heaven.
Some people are wrong.
Others say love is a one way street.
Well, that's close.
To tell you the truth, love is like those crash test courses where a car slams into a brick wall at 35 miles a hour. With all the dummies inside. All those dummies, dead.
Well, not dead.
But When their heads crash through the windshield and stay motionless on the ground, it'd be easy to make that mistake.
Love, like most disasters, starts out small. A crush, a kiss, a cuddle. And like most disasters, the death toll keeps rising after the last tremor disperses, the last drop of water washed back to sea, the last ember burned cold. People still have infections, burns, and bruises from whatever tore through their life.
After love, the death toll still rises. From crushes, to kisses, to cuddles, to enemies. Anything you love, a boy, a girl, or money, somebody else will fall in love with it too. Everybody wants everything to themselves. Everybody is everybody's enemy in the end, that is if they don't leave you or die.
Try as hard as you can, your money will still start to dwindle, your looks fade, and your friends leave.
From crushes, to kisses, to cuddles. The death toll is always rising. In the end we'll just be a bunch of dummies scattered on the ground. Dead.
Well, not dead.
But when you're there on the ground, glass raining down on you tell me how you feel. Try to brush off your shoulder. tell me it doesn't hurt. Tell me you wouldn't rather be dead.
Just try to tell me love isn't a disaster. See if you can look me in the eye and tell me it was worth it. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
sofi
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 128
Reviews: 38
Country: England and also UAE
495 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 8:27 am Post subject: |
|
|
Alright, I read your other piece 'Epiphany', and then saw this one with the title 'Love' thinking it would be a bit less like your previous piece.
I was wrong. You do seem to have an incredibly bleak and cynical outlook on things. But again, surprisingly (since I'm as far away from cynical as people get), I did like this piece.
| Quote: |
| From crushes, to kisses, to cuddles. The death toll is always rising |
Repetition to make a point is good, but I thought that this part became a bit too repetative: you already got your point accross with this so repeating it again is a bit monotonous? you decide 
I didn't find any mistake, though, or anything else to critique!
If you have any questions or anything about either of the pieces i reviewed feel free to pm me.
Sofi. |
_________________
' I just felt that someone could come along and blow hard and I'd fly away from him...go in the wind and end up next door or on another planet with someone else, anywhere. Just because the wind blew...' |
|
| Back to top |
|
JC
Fin. Word Count: 80,000
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 25 Jan 2007
Posts: 1067
Reviews: 490
Country: The Dept. of Redundancy Department
494 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 1:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
There was a lot of repetition in this, and while I like a lot of work I see a lot of the same things going on. A lot of repetition and cynical outlook, and not enough story and characters. As much as I love that style of writing, and use it myself at times, I think it would do your writing a lot of good to try something new.
Why don't you try writing a story about a character with the same cynical outlook, or even more, try writing from the other perspective.
As a writer, I find we learn the most from trying new things and looking through a different window.
Keep up the good work, maybe take a walk on the wild side 
-JC |
_________________
I think that a certain amount of happiness is worth the trouble, and I know that nothing worth having comes easy. -JC
[Formerly known as JCobsesed] |
|
| Back to top |
|
sudz_amigo
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Sep 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 15
Country: India
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 12:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
hm...i agree with the sofi though your piece was quite cynical it conveyed what you thought with remarkable calrity!!
it got me thinking about what love means to me and i think that even i am a bit cincal about it!
well i'll sum it up-GOOD WORK! |
_________________
\m/rock on\m/ |
|
| Back to top |
|
kefkaeatsbabies
Novice
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 09 Sep 2008
Posts: 11
Reviews: 3
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:25 am Post subject: |
|
|
Maybe it's just me, but I think something this cynical, despite the situation it spawned from in your life, is almost always accented very effectively with humor, which this lacks. The repetition is effective to a point, but the structure loses the reader in some places, I think.
Like :
"After love, the death toll still rises. From crushes, to kisses, to cuddles, to enemies. Anything you love, a boy, a girl, or money, somebody else will fall in love with it too. Everybody wants everything to themselves. Everybody is everybody's enemy in the end, that is if they don't leave you or die."
I think could be much more... amicable, if you changed the punctuation from being so red light, green light.
After love, the death toll still rises; from crushes, to kisses, to cuddles, to enemies. Anything you love: a boy, a girl, or even money, somebody else will fall in love with it too. Everybody wants everything to themselves; everybody is everybody's enemy in the end, that is if they don't leave you or die.
Something like that maybe. I also think the last sentence of my posted paragraph is sort of self contradictory, in that if someone were to leave you or die, wouldn't that be the end? So, in your view, by that point they would be your enemy? Just trying to clarify.
The style works though, could just use a bit of tweaking. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
mkuzek
Novice
Gender:
Age: 23
Joined: 14 Jul 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 3
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 11:22 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I must say I truly enjoyed this piece. I wonder, were you just involved in a break up or damaging romantic experience that gave you a nudge towards such a harsh piece? I would guess that you have because the heart comes through in your references and it works. The length is good, it kept me interested and managed to stay sharp. I'll look up your other work for sure. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Awaken-the-Dark
Novice
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Sep 2008
Posts: 6
Reviews: 3
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 8:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
I liked this...like many people have said above, it does seem very cynical, but i think that's what makes it so interesting.
It seemed to get a little repetitive, although it works for the story.
I like the way you describe things, evokes strong feelings in the reader.
The whole thing seems bitter and only focuses on the bad aspects of love, especially the last sentence. I'm not one to complain about that though, im a bit of a pessmist myself.
Altogether it was a very emotional piece.
- Jazz |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
listeningforthemuse
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 10 Aug 2008
Posts: 65
Reviews: 34
222 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 10:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hmmm...
Is love a crash course?
Can YOU look ME in the eye and tell me that none of it - not a single, solitary second - was worth it?
Can you honestly say that love is truly some horrid, terrible thing?
Failure is a blessing in disguise; it gives you an opportunity to learn from your mistakes.
Besides, its things like this that make you wiser and more mature.
If anything, you can use your experience to keep others from making the same mistakes.
Surely that is something.
Are you claiming supreme knowledge of what love truly is, then?
Have you gotten it thoroughly figured out?
I'm a critic of quantity. Not quality.
However, the quality of this poem is good, don't get me wrong.
You should most definitely keep writing.
Because your stuff is amazing.
I'm just wondering....
Please PM me. I would like to discuss this more with you, if you like.
Thank you for taking the time to write this.
And thank you for taking the time to read this critique.
 |
_________________
"...she was a lovely lady, with a romantic mind and such a sweet mocking mouth..."
- 'Peter Pan' by J.M. Barrie |
|
| Back to top |
|
JC
Fin. Word Count: 80,000
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 25 Jan 2007
Posts: 1067
Reviews: 490
Country: The Dept. of Redundancy Department
494 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 5:19 am Post subject: |
|
|
Muse: Did you just critique in the form of a poem???
That is so interesting, and cool. I mean, I wasn't sure if it was a critique at first, but I guess it was. I've never seen anything like that before and wanted to let you know how interesting it was. Although...I still have no idea what you critiqued with it...
Anyways, to be of some help to the author so I'm not just posting this for the sake of posting:
I've posted a few things that this remind me of, if you would like to check them out or anything. They're in my portfolio, and the names are such...
I Will Remember
What Happened to 'You' and 'Me'
and
The Dance of Sins
Continue to keep up the good work.
-JC |
_________________
I think that a certain amount of happiness is worth the trouble, and I know that nothing worth having comes easy. -JC
[Formerly known as JCobsesed] |
|
| Back to top |
|
xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 5:12 pm Post subject: :P |
|
|
I liked your peice, but i kind of have my own view on love.... confusing, that is the only word that i could describe it. If we all had the gift of reading minds the world would end because everyone would know what everyone else was thinking, they would know everyones secrets and people dont like the truth very much, they dont like to hear that people think of them as "fat" or "easy"
people like to hear what they want to hear, the truth in small doses is ok but the rest of the time everything is confusing... sorry if im rambling on liked how you described love, the more i think about it the more i agree with you |
_________________
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts |
|
| Back to top |
|
lilchoma
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Sep 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 24
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i really liked this...it was very well written, and though some people commented on your repetition as a negative aspect, I rather enjoyed it. I thought the repetition was just part of the writing style you were using, so I thought it worked fine in this particular peice.
At the same time, I think it's very sad that this is your view of love, becuase I really don't think that's what love is. I hope you find out one day what real love is like, and then you can write a well written peice that isn't so cynical.
I really like this bit, though:
"Anything you love, a boy, a girl, or money, somebody else will fall in love with it too. Everybody wants everything to themselves."
This part of your peice I found very true to life, even though it is kind of depressing. But hey, the world is depressing at times.
So yea, good job on this peice, i really liked it. |
_________________
"I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree...Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree" |
|
| Back to top |
|
running_with_the_devil
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 13 Sep 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 11
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 10:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This was really good. I suppose I don't really understand how you can compare the failures of love to death. Death is not a failure. Love isn't always either...
Broken hearts, despite the name, are not scars, they are lessons. They are new pieces of knowledge.
But all in all, great piece. Gets me thinking.
:] |
_________________
Trina.
Trina.
Trina.
TRINA!
XD |
|
| Back to top |
|
lakegirls
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 87
Country: Newfoundland, Canada
385 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hi,
This always happens to me. I go to comment on a poem and everything is already said that could be said. The only thing I can say to you is how good it is and how much I liked it. Also, it is very true. I don't know much about love, but from what I've heard from my friends and family, you described it perfectly. I hope to read more of your extraordinary poems!
Love,
N |
_________________
"Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else."- Gloria Steinem |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
