Topic ID: 35677
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Gadi.
that was good ... for your age Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 06 Aug 2007 Posts: 996 Reviews: 394 Country: under the covers 190 Points
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Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 7:18 pm Post subject: Jane’s Animals |
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Jane’s Animals
My shoes clap like a baby’s hands
as I enter the new house. In San Diego
we never had wooden floors and
rows of green, summer foliage
flapping against my bedroom window.
I think about writing a poem as I
leaf out of my room to the humidity
of corridor air, like rolling head-
first down the stairs.
The knob to the attic is cold and
wet. Inside, Jane’s dusty horses
glare at me with tired, fusty eyes;
they’re begging for mercy, for freedom,
for Jane, locked inside their cage. I
look out the window: it’s raining,
and the towers of New York are corned
in black clouds.
Those horses and bears and dogs don’t
know what’s outside, don’t know how
good their lives are. In cool, crisp mornings,
I wake up to the azure shadows of dawn. They
don’t seem to care that the sun always
rises on them first, sets on them
last. |
_________________ my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away |
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Princess
sugar and spice Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 25 Aug 2008 Posts: 266 Reviews: 70 Country: Candyland 593 Points
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Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 7:59 pm Post subject: Re: Jane’s Animals |
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| Gadi. wrote: |
Jane’s Animals
My shoes clap like a baby’s hands---------------just a bit cliche here
as I enter the new house. In San Diego
we never had wooden floors and
rows of green, summer foliage
flapping against my bedroom window.
I think about writing a poem as I
leaf out of my room to the humidity ---------------leaf?
of corridor air, like rolling head-
first down the stairs.
The knob to the attic is cold and---------------- wet belongs on this line
wet. Inside, Jane’s dusty horses
glare at me with tired, fusty eyes;-----------------Frustrated is a much better word..
they’re begging for mercy, for freedom,
for Jane, locked inside their cage. I -----------------put the I on the next line
look out the window: it’s raining,-----------------Theres just something wrong with this line.
and the towers of New York are corned
in black clouds.---------how about in dark and dreary clouds it helps with the theme of the poem
Those horses and bears and dogs don’t
know what’s outside, don’t know how
good their lives are. In cool, crisp mornings, <----Work on the lines here. It looks like a paragraph.
I wake up to the azure shadows of dawn.
They don’t seem to care that the sun always
rises on them first, sets on them
last. |
This is very good poem, and im sorry if i was a bit harsh. I hope i helped  |
_________________ Got YWS?
I say "Lol" merely because I have no idea what you're talking about. |
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EsquaLeema
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 14 Jul 2008 Posts: 17 Reviews: 15 Country: Australia 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 7:15 am Post subject: |
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Jane’s Animals (Don't need an apostrophe, it should be Janes Animals)
I think about writing a poem as I (A poem though within a poem... An interesting idea, but it puts me off reading a little.)
leaf out of my room to the humidity (You're trying to hard here to put words in to match the summer foliage idea. It's too noticeable.)
of corridor air, like rolling head- (Get rid of the like)
first down the stairs.
they’re begging for mercy, for freedom, (Capital T on they're)
for Jane, locked inside their cage. I (Locked inside of their cage doesn't fit the sentence here.)
look out the window: it’s raining,
and the towers of New York are corned (I think you mean cornered here.
in black clouds.
They don’t seem to care that the sun always
rises on them first, sets on them (this line annoys me a little. 'rises on them first, sets on them last' Doesn't fit well together.)
last. |
I think you're trying a little too hard to input imagery in the poem, if you can take some of it out and make the rest more subtle it would be a nicer read. All the same, I enjoyed the poem as it's fresh and new than other poems I've been reading lately. Well done. |
_________________ zomg...dun spel dun punkchoo8 juss akt lik a nub |
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