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This thread was created on September 6, 2008

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When the time comes

Topic ID: 35685

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andrew.j.m
Junior Writer

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 24

200 Points

Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: When the time comes

When you're ready to grow up, call me. When you're done fishing for compliments, thats when you can start looking for advice in me. If you're over all your crushes on all the guys that will break your heart and make you cry, then I'll let you get this close. When you look in the mirror, and you're fine with what you see, and when you walk down the street without counting the guys that look at you, maybe then we'll work out. Maybe there will be an us...but I'm not going to wait for it. With me, what you see is what you get. I threw away my facade. Now I'm just waiting for you to do the same.

JC
Fin. Word Count: 80,000
Master of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 17
Joined: 25 Jan 2007
Posts: 1067
Reviews: 490
Country: The Dept. of Redundancy Department
494 Points

Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject:

Wow. That sounded really true and real, which is quite refreshing. You mannaged to point out the things that girls do a lot of because of self-image, or insecruity, and managed to say "stop doing this", but in a way that means you care, not that you hate her. I don't really have any corrections, it's hard to fix what comes from the heart, that's why some writing is so good Keep up the good work! -JC
_________________ I think that a certain amount of happiness is worth the trouble, and I know that nothing worth having comes easy. -JC [Formerly known as JCobsesed]

jasmine12
Senior Writer

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 217
Reviews: 109
Country: United States
300 Points

Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 11:26 pm Post subject: Re: When the time comes

This is really...deep? If that's the right word to use. I see that you have basically pointed out all of the common flaws in girls these days. What with self image and all. I can see the point, it's very clear. Good job. The only thing I can point out is you said 'thats' instead of 'that's' and....that's saying something. I like this. It sounds true and easily relate-able.
_________________ "Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched

Kalliope
Senior Writer

Gender:

Age: 15
Joined: 24 Sep 2007
Posts: 232
Reviews: 107
Country: somewhere between heaven and hell
324 Points

Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 4:30 pm Post subject:

Hey there,

This was very short, yet quite neat. You managed to criticise a lot of the foolish things teenage girls tend to do and sounded very real. Down to the point.

A couple things:

I smell Contradiction

Quote:

...but I'm not going to wait for it.

Quote:

Now I'm just waiting for you to do the same.

First you say you're not going to wait for something to happen between the two and then you say you're waiting for her to ditch her facade and get real, so -

That doesn't make too much sense to me. Either you move on or you wait. Also it seemed retty much like you'd already given up on her.

Quote:

When you're ready to grow up, call me.

That first sentence alone is pretty final. (Consider a linebreak after that sentence for that exact reason it's final: It basically says that you're done waiting and that you don't see anything happening so you'll focus on other things and she should let you know when something's changed.)

Specify

You've put together quite a bit of general adivice for this girl, but I think you could make it even more interesing and give it some more dimension, if you'd tell us a little more about this girl and just get into it a little deeper, for example describe the crushes more. Maybe you've watched her fall for the same cheep stuff over and over again and then come to you when she got hurt? Describe something like that. There are so many places you could go with this Smile

Don't get me wrong, I like t, it's just kind of one-dimensional at the moment. Too much telling. show us some of the things about her and why you need her to grow up.

[I hope you don't mind me refering to you directly as the person speaking. Would have gotten complicated otherwise.]

All the best and happy writing,

~Kalliope

P.S. PM me with any questions, you may have. Smile

_________________
If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. - Lewis Carol (1832-98 )

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olivia1987uk
Novelist

Gender:

Age: 21
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 164

392 Points

Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject:

I'm fed up of complimenting your work young man but I feel it is too good to simply overlook it! You have such a way of portraying such emotion it's hard to envisage anything else. I get lost in your writing and I don't think I have found anyone on this site who has inspired me as much as you have.
_________________ Olivia xxx http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36697.html

Night Mistress
a lover of vampires
Speaker of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 18
Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 860
Reviews: 197
Country: USA
1963 Points

Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 10:05 pm Post subject:

hey andrew! this sounded really deep. the emtion were raw and untamed and i like that. keep up the good work. oh and chapter five is out.
_________________ "you are a Friend. nothing more, nothing less," Elizabeth Gray of Poison Love.

This thread was created on September 6, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on September 6, 2008

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