Topic ID: 36667
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:08 pm Post subject: My Angel, I was always yours |
 |
|
Your eyes are so big!
I stare at them when you don't think I am
I gaze at you with my mouth open
But snap it up again when you smirk at me
You are so beautiful
You don't know how beautiful you really are
In my eyes you are an angel
My angel
But all you see is a failier when you look in the mirror
I don't understand why
You are my best friend
We have none each other since I was that annoying girl in playgroup
You pulled my hair
I laughed at your strange shoes
But you still loved me
But not how i love you...
You are the angel for me
Why can't you see that?
Your the boy who lives next door
I see you doing your homework through the window
I always ring you up and you wave at me
And you tell me to leave you alone, chuckling
Then you smile that wonderful smile and hang up
I sigh and hang up as well, a few moments later
Please don't be sad anymore
Tell me what is making you so... strange
I found the scars on your wrists
Red and raw
Do you think I'm stupid?
Please don't hide from me
Don't hang up the phone
I'm here
I'm here
I'm here...
Your funeral was beautiful
All your favourite flowers
You wanted to travel one day... with me
We had planned it all - remember?
You said it would be an adventure
It wont happen now...
Why - why!
Why did you leave me!
Why couldn't you have told me!
Why...
Didn't you think before you jumped?
Didn't you think of me?
How could you have left me to deal with this...
You know I'm not as strong as you
You were always the one mopping up my cuts and bruises
You were the one who made everything better again
Drying my tears with your kisses...
Can you hear me?
Are you in heaven?
Are you trying to touch my cheek like you used to do?
Do you know that I love you more than anything?
Did I ever tell you?...
As your coffin was taken away I couldn't watch
It was too much
Mum had to hold me up strait
I had broke down sobbing
Even though I had promised myself that I wouldn't make a scene...
Why didn't you ever tell me...
I could have helped... pulled you out of the darkness that was closing in around you...
But now your gone...
I'm so angry
With you
With the world
With everything
But then I remember your face and I feel the tears again
Unstoppable, piercing tears that drench my face
If you were here you would have put your arms around me
And would have laughed and called me silly
I would have nodded and used your t shirt to blow my runny nose
You would have been grossed out
and then would have laughed even more...
Sleep now, my angel
You were never officially mine
But I was always yours
I was your Katy
You were my sweet beautiful Max
My angel
I will never forget
It needs a lot of work - so dont be too harsh!  |
_________________
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
CrisCaraway
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Sep 2008
Posts: 155
Reviews: 15
Country: under a rock in Tanzania
684 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey!
Please don't ever write anything like this again, your going to make me cry!  This poem was brilliant, and so, so sad. It reminds me of Bella and Edward from Twilight!. Aw........ poor Katy.
Well done and keep writing!
C.C |
_________________
Little amuses the simple |
|
| Back to top |
|
xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:59 pm Post subject: . |
|
|
aw thankyou... i based it kinda on them  edward and bella, but this one has a sad ending 
thanks again for your nice review |
_________________
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts |
|
| Back to top |
|
ATreeah
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 139
Reviews: 4
Country: wherever i want it to be
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 6:22 pm Post subject: Oh my GOD GRACEY!!! |
|
|
im actually crying a little its so SAD GRACEY...but dont you dare change a thing! |
_________________
ATreeah was here |
|
| Back to top |
|
xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 6:31 pm Post subject: . |
|
|
Thankyou!  |
_________________
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts |
|
| Back to top |
|
olivia1987uk
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 164
392 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey
The sentiment behind this was fantastic...I don't quite know what made me click on it but I'm so glad I did...
Probably cos it said your name Grace but there we go!
The tense change gets me, I have to say. You're in the present tense all the way through, yet you wouldn't think Max was dead at first and that's somewhat confusing. You write like he's still here...
| Quote: |
But all you see is a failier when you look in the mirror
|
spelling error - failure
| Quote: |
We have none each other since I was that annoying girl in playgroup
|
spelling error - known
| Quote: |
Mum had to hold me up strait
|
spelling error - straight
Spelling is not a measure of a good writer and I have not corrected or made suggestions for anything but so kudos...love your work...i fell like an "air kiss" is in order, hollywood style! haha! |
_________________
Olivia
xxx
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36697.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 8:50 pm Post subject: . |
|
|
| thankyou so much! i know, i was a bit strange with the tense... it was all over the place! thankyou for you review |
_________________
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts |
|
| Back to top |
|
olivia1987uk
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 164
392 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thinking about it though, you could use this as a literary tool rather than a "mistake" about the tense...
It could theoretically be Katy's inability to come to terms with Max's death and her rebelling against the fact that he is no longer around...
I'm not sure how you would portray this mind you.
Have you thought of maybe doing a short story version of the same thing? I would say lengthen this one but I like it too much to say scrap it!
If I were you I would keep this but write a short story with the same plot and more description and emotion portrayed...
Ignore me if you like
|
_________________
Olivia
xxx
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36697.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 8:59 pm Post subject: . |
|
|
| no no thats good advise, it wobe cool to write a story based on it... ill have to think about it |
_________________
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts |
|
| Back to top |
|
olivia1987uk
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 164
392 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 9:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| If you don't I will! Lol, I have no qualms with stealing your idea if you don't put it to good enough use...its like a pair of shoes that will never be worn or a cup of coffee left to go cold! Ha ha ha! I think I maybe overthinking things again but anyway I don't care because I like this and you'd be a fool not to sort it out girl! Hehe |
_________________
Olivia
xxx
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36697.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 9:25 pm Post subject: :P |
|
|
| lol well if you do steal my idea and it sells millions i want some of the money! but yea ive thought about and ive decided to put it in a book i am thinking abot at he mo - you know that awakening thing i wrote? well im gonna carry it on, and i think this poem could go well with it, if i change a few things around thanks again |
_________________
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts |
|
| Back to top |
|
JosephDean
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 129
Reviews: 30
Country: USA.
840 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 10:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
*wipes eyes dry* What? Pfft, you people cried? Pansies...... *sees everyone glaring at me*... What?... Oh fine
OMG This was outstanding!!! All the mistakes I found have all ready been pointed out, so all I can say is that this was so sad but really great. I showed it to one of my friends who had a similar problem like the character and she really broke down in tears! Good tears though - tears that said, "Holy ----! That was great!" (Those were her words exactly.)
Keep up the great work, Grace |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Searria H.
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 139
Reviews: 97
608 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: |
|
|
You should make a book of poems or something...
This was beautiful writing. The only thing I would point out is that you use beautiful a little too much in the first few stanzas. Other than that...
People don't have to have been in a situation like this before to find it emotionally hard. Anyone who has dealed with the death of a loved one in the past is emotionally connected to this poem. I lost a family member in the spring, and those exact thoughts went through my mind. Why? Why did they leave? The worst part about it sometimes, is that there is no one to blame for someone's death. I'm literally in tears right now.
Thank you so much for posting that for us to see.
I hope you do something with this poem, because it can reach a lot of people.
Once again, no critisism. Sorry.
I'm still crying. But that's good in a way.
-Sea- |
_________________
As Jaquie's Teacher's deaf realatives said, "I can't hear you when it's dark." |
|
| Back to top |
|
Chirantha
The boy genius.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 753
Reviews: 143
Country: Somewhere above or below ground
1671 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 6:04 am Post subject: |
|
|
Did I ever tell you that you were one of the most briliant sad poem writers I had ever seen or heard of. Well, now I do. I mean, see how the way you portray your emotions from your heart and insert them to our own heart. This poem brought tears into my eyes. The way you described every single thing without leaving a single thing out.
Yeah, like Searria said. Don't just keep this poem like this. Publish it with a few other great poem you had written.
| Quote: |
You are so beautiful
You don't know how beautiful you really are
In my eyes you are an angel
My angel
But all you see is a failier when you look in the mirror
I don't understand why |
This stanza and few others were great. Although, the word 'failier' is spelled 'failure'
| Quote: |
But then I remember your face and I feel the tears again
Unstoppable, piercing tears that drench my face
If you were here you would have put your arms around me
And would have laughed and called me silly
I would have nodded and used your t shirt to blow my runny nose
You would have been grossed out
and then would have laughed even more... |
This second last stanza was just marvelous. Well, actually, no word is there to describe it. You descriptions can take a person far away in their imaginations.
Well, all I can say is you are a great poet. Well done. |
_________________
"ARE WE GOOD TO GO?" - Julius Root
"No need to shout, commander. These head sets could pick up a spider scratching in Madagascar" - Foaly
"And is there a spider scratching in madagascar?" -Julius Root |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
thevoiceinside
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 39
Reviews: 20
Country: Land of the free; Home of the brave
201 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello xGraceex,
First of all, I have to say I was on the verge of crying!! It was so beautiful and yet so sad. It looks like I wasn't the only one that almost cried. Your poem told a delicate, and seemingly real story. You should be really proud for creating such feeling and emotion in your writing. I loved it! I thought it was brilliant. Not many people can express feeling like that in words. Consider yourself to have a "special" gift. Use it to your advantage, you could really help people
Great Work!! Cheers!
-thevoiceinside
P.S. PLEASE keep writing, you're truly amazing |
_________________
"Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself." |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
