Topic ID: 36832
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adriangarcia
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 Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:09 am Post subject: I coughed once for God |
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I coughed once for God
BY Adrian
I coughed once for God
hoping that He could see my pain.
But a blind man told me,
He is Blind.
I coughed twice for God
hoping that He could hear my pain.
But a deaf man told me,
He is Deaf.
I coughed thrice for God
hoping that He could feel my pain.
But a paralyzed man told me,
He is Paralyzed.
I stopped coughing for God
thinking He hated me.
But a man told me,
He is not a Man.
***Author's Note***
This is a revised version of the first poem I submitted and wrote for YWS. After, several months, I've decided to edit it. |
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happybear
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:48 am Post subject: |
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| hmmmm.... what to say. . . I’m not going to go into religion (I say this with great difficulty) and it was very short so there isn’t really a lot to critique, but over all it had a great circular motion! I liked that! it was a very satisfying poem! I just wish it had a happy ending : ) |
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leftnoa
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:50 am Post subject: |
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| Very interesting how you capatalized certain words, was that intentional? But I enjoyed it either way. |
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leftnoa
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:52 am Post subject: |
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| Very interesting how you capatalized certain words, was that intentional? Im guessing it wasn't as you capatalized all the letters in "by". I don't really give a hoot though because I liked it very much anyway. |
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AnAbstractHeart
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:27 am Post subject: |
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This was interesting, short, but very interesting.
I myself once thought that in some form. It's rather unfortunate that I did, but it's the truth.
I really didn't find anything wrong with it. I find it just fine as is. I just wanted to let you know when I finished reading it, I took a long pause. Just stared at the screen. It was like a small revelation or something, like this puts my feelings out in words in some strange way.
Anyway, all I can do is praise this piece. So here I am, praising it.
*Praises* |
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KissKiss08
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:47 am Post subject: |
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Good job! 
I know I had a Harsh review up before.
I'd like to say I appreciate you PMing me and clearing things up.
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| He encounters several men (the Blind/Deaf/Paralyzed) who tell him what "He" (God) is not (Blind/Deaf/Paralyzed). |
This is a quote from you PM, but in your poem they say that god is(blind/deaf/paralyzed)
So, I don't know if one was a typo, or if maybe I'm just still interpreting it wrong.
I never was good at poetry, sorry for the problems. |
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adriangarcia
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 6:35 pm Post subject: |
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It is a typo in the PM. Sorry about that.
Your welcome,
Adrian |
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olivia1987uk
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again!
You seem to like my reviews so I'll keep coming back to you if you don't mind! Lol!
I loved this piece and to be quite honest, I'd consider getting it published...It could appeal to a massive audience...a religious one of course, but also to people who truly appreciate good poetry...
Try sending it to a few agents and see what they think...I'd love to see what the professional feedback on such a piece is like!
I thought the capitalisation was fantastic...placed emphasis
Despite it only being short, it is really easy to relate to!
Thanks for posting it Adrian! |
_________________
Olivia
xxx
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36697.html |
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Ember
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, this was very intriguing. I'm not a very religious person, but it sounds like you take pride in your religion and that's pretty awesome! I really liked how you wrapped everything together in the poem, and then ended it with that amazing last line:
That was my favorite part out of the whole poem.
Great work!
-Ember |
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