Topic ID: 36833
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1993vlad@gmail.com
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 11
Country: U.S.A
84 Points
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 Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:50 am Post subject: My heart is breaking apart |
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My life, is breaking apart
The blood, is coming out of my heart
Graveyard- it is where I stand
The hourglass, is in reapers hands
-Now here the time goes out, the rain brings in clouds
-My heart rate has now stopped, and my body just dropped
I fade away, into the darkness
I blend myself, with the background
And slowly, am being forgotten
By everyone, by everyone I knew
---Beat to the chores---
Set my heart on fire
Make my blood pressure higher
Make me crazy inside of my brain
You did this all over again
You’re going to make me feel pain
You did this all over again
-Now here the time goes out, the rain brings in clouds
-My heart rate has now stopped, and my body just dropped
The day turns from dawn to dusk
The clouds are shaped like tusk
My final words don’t exist
As I stand still I can’t resist |
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unsterblichkeit36
Senior Writer
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Age: 12
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Posts: 176
Reviews: 10
Country: Loneliness
200 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:34 am Post subject: |
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| Brilliant! This is just...well...indescribable! Keep writing! |
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In the mecca of us,
we all glow forever.
-Sonny Moore
Insanity is the best form of sanilty
-Me |
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KissKiss08
Senior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 12 Sep 2008
Posts: 140
Reviews: 13
344 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:34 am Post subject: |
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Wow! This is really good!
Anyway, keep those rhymes coming! This is an awsome peom. I wish I could write poems like this. It rhymed, and made since.
I did notice though, you don't have any reviews, and here we have a 2:1 thing. We prefer you have atleat 2 reviews before posting a story or poem.
But it was still great, now get to reviewing!  |
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lordgluzman
Senior Writer
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Age: 13
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 121
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
435 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:08 am Post subject: |
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That was really painfull,but good.
And slowly, am being forgotten
You should put an I after the comma. |
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Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
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1993vlad@gmail.com
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 11
Country: U.S.A
84 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:11 am Post subject: |
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| -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------i besically made a part 2 to this song just names it (((Teenage love)))- so if anyone wants to check that out your welcome too- i named it differntly to make it more interesting------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ |
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AllyyyAlwayyys
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 05 Oct 2008
Posts: 23
Reviews: 5
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:13 am Post subject: |
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wow.
amazing
very good
wish i could write poetry like that
XD |
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"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting. Could it be that we have been this way before"
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leftnoa
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Age: 15
Joined: 06 Oct 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 3
278 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:33 am Post subject: |
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My life, is breaking apart
The blood, is coming out of my heart
Graveyard- it is where I stand
The hourglass, is in reapers hands
-Now here the time goes out, the rain brings in clouds (do you really need the "in")
-My heart rate has now stopped, and my body just dropped
I fade away, into the darkness
I blend myself, with the background
And slowly, am being forgotten
By everyone, by everyone I knew
---Beat to the chores---
Set my heart on fire
Make my blood pressure higher
Make me crazy inside of my brain (this is a weird line)
You did this all over again
You’re going to make me feel pain
You did this all over again
-Now here the time goes out, the rain brings in clouds
-My heart rate has now stopped, and my body just dropped
The day turns from dawn to dusk
The clouds are shaped like tusk
My final words don’t exist
As I stand still I can’t resist
my final review is I think you need to focus less on the rhyming aspect and more on what the song is actually saying. |
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