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As if I was in Love Chp 3
As if I was in Love Chp 3

by pshhxhoney in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on October 5, 2008
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Tears On Her Guitar

Topic ID: 36877
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guitargrl1323   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:32 am    Post subject: Tears On Her Guitar Reply with quote

Squeaking swings and tall grass

Lying on the ground, watching the world pass

Shadows cast and clouds move

Creating darkness to calm and sooth



I hear the school bell dinging

Already my head is ringing

Outside the wind blows through orange flowers

They’re glistening from light showers



Empty then full cars come and go

Once across the street I slow

Listening to the birds twitter away

In forest green I know I cannot stay



Wind blows through orange flowers

Glistening from light showers

The world starts to pass in a blur

And then I hear her



A voice carried across the street

Sounding so sorrowful, so bittersweet

All that’s left are the tears on her guitar

And remains of love, tracked in a huge scar



And as the guitar is softly strummed

A pain is slowly numbed

Replaced by memories of old

Leaving me so empty, so cold



Wind blows through orange flowers

Glistening from the light showers

Her lover calls from beyond the grave

Trying to rescue, trying to save

But only deepening the scars

And making her track more

Tears on her guitar
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KissKiss08   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is really good.

I really liked it, it reminds me of the song by taylor swift though.

I'm guessing thats where you got the idea from?

anyway, its really good. keep up the good work.

I would like to mention that we have a 2:1 polocy, meaning you have to have atleast two reviews for every story or poem. Seeing this is your first post, I'm sure you didn't know that. But, now you do, so please try to review some before your next post!Smile

PM me for anything Smile

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listeningforthemuse   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 2:00 am    Post subject: Re: Tears On Her Guitar Reply with quote

I liked this one.
My favorite line was:

Quote:
Wind blows through orange flowers
Glistening from light showers

The imagery there was beautiful.

Okay, lets get down to the nitty-gritty.
Your punctuation...where was it?
I know, I hate it, too. But unfortunately, its a must.

For example:

Quote:
Empty then full cars come and go
Once across the street I slow
Listening to the birds twitter away
In forest green I know I cannot stay


"Empty, then full, cars come and go,
Once across the street I slow,
Listening to the birds twitter away,
In forest green; I know I cannot stay."

See? Its not too hard. You can use it to help your tempo, and make things clearer.

Quote:
The world starts to pass in a blur
And then I hear her


The rhythm is off right here. I'd redo that second line if I were you.

Quote:
A voice carried across the street


I don't know if you noticed, but you changed from present tense to past tense.
Pick one - and stick with it.

Quote:
And making her track more
Tears on her guitar


Just wondering...how do you track tears?
You can cry, you can drip them, but I've never heard of tracking them.

All in all, a pretty good poem.
Especially for your first one.
Keep up the good work!

Oh, and welcome to YWS!
Very Happy

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lordgluzman   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 10:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know, I like it but some rhyming parts were forced.

Once across the street I slow

It doesn't really makes sense to me.
I also didn't get what was it about.
If you can mail me.
If you will tell me and I will understand I will admit that I am wrong.

But I still liked the poem.

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chichi   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 1:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a beautiful poem! Absolutely fantastic!

Quote:
Creating darkness to calm and sooth


It's "soothe". With an "e" on the end.

Quote:
I hear the school bell dinging


Dinging? I know you needed a rhyme for ringing, but "dinging" is not a word, and furthermore bells ring, not ding.

This poem moves very slowly. At the beginning the reader thinks the poem is about the persona, but only at the end do they discover that it's not. The focus point is the girl with tears on her guitar, and yet most of the poem focuses on the persona. You need to bring the poem straight to the focus point as soon as possible, not like this, where you have moved slowly up to the focus point, then rushed through it once there.

It's a very good poem!

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JordanEmert   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 1:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought it was a little bit Taylor Swift too though.

My favorite line was "All that’s left are the tears on her guitar, And remains of love, tracked in a huge scar."

It was very pretty. Your a pretty good writer, deffinently for being a new member (I read that thing under your username ;]) Good luck on future writing and I think you could deffiently get far in life.

Great Job =]
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KookieKatie   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 6:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think it's funny how everyone says that it reminds them of Taylor Swift even though then only thing in common is the title. It isn't even the same storyline!!

I am in a hurry, so I can't give detailed commentary, but you have great creativity and great descriptions and sensability but you need to work on your rhythm, especially the last stanza.

Good work, keep writing!

-KK

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This thread was created on October 5, 2008

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