Topic ID: 36922
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
listeningforthemuse
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 10 Aug 2008
Posts: 68
Reviews: 35
258 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:09 pm Post subject: Esmeralda |
 |
|
I wrote this from one of my character's point of view and I liked it.
But I feel like something's not quite right....
Any and all opinions are welcome!
********************************
Come, shadowed dreams
Lock away my sanity
Descend, darkening breath
Fill me ‘til there’s nothing left.
Whispers echo in my ears
Drifting in to confirm my fears.
Footsteps gather outside the walls
I can’t escape…death (my darling!) calls.
I crave the numbing fire
Consuming me; reaching higher and higher.
I revel in the screaming silence
Sobering me; the peaceful violence.
A curse is forming on my lips,
As my fragile life easily rips,
Away, up into the sky,
And I, the condemned witch, finally fly. |
_________________
"...she was a lovely lady, with a romantic mind and such a sweet mocking mouth..."
- 'Peter Pan' by J.M. Barrie |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
EliteHusky
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 73
Reviews: 67
Country: Canada
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 11:04 pm Post subject: Great |
|
|
This piece of poetry was really well constructed. I liked how you used your character's viewpoint(s) to channel the, english language in your favour. That last bit sounds unusual but I thought it was exactly what you did! Overall you said something felt, missing and I think i may have found it. As brilliant as it is being "short and sweet", the introduction could be stronger, not just the wording but the setting or background of this poem could be expressed more. But regardless, keep up the fantastic work!
Sincerely
-Elitehusky |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
adriangarcia
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2007
Posts: 104
Reviews: 70
Country: United States of America
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 3:39 am Post subject: |
|
|
Come, shadowed dreams
Lock away my sanity
Descend, darkening breath
Fill me ‘til there’s nothing left.
<'.' after sanity>
Whispers echo in my ears
Drifting in to confirm my fears.
Footsteps gather outside the walls
I can’t escape…death (my darling!) calls.
<Lowercase 'd' in drifting>
I crave the numbing fire
Consuming me; reaching higher and higher.
I revel in the screaming silence
Sobering me; the peaceful violence.
<Lowercase 'c' in consuming; Lowercase 's' in sobering>
A curse is forming on my lips,
As my fragile life easily rips,
Away, up into the sky,
And I, the condemned witch, finally fly.
<Lowercase 'a' in as, away, and and>
Interesting poem, however, I'm not sure if it's a well versed poem. I feel like you should either set up the scene for us or include a more narrative description within' the poem.
Edit! Edit! Edit! It has potential.
Adrian |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Sapphire
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 233
Reviews: 140
350 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:14 pm Post subject: Re: Esmeralda |
|
|
Hiya! There was a lot that I liked about this poem. I don't actually feel like it needs more narrative elements (perhaps it should be in 'Other Poetry'?) because to me these are like her last words, her final thoughts and feelings.
For that reason, I can't really point out anything that's missing, however I can suggest where rhythm and rhyme could be improved, where I think certain punctuation should go, or where areas need reworded slightly.
| listeningforthemuse wrote: |
Come, shadowed dreams -
Lock away my sanity.
Descend, darkening breath -
Fill me ‘til there’s nothing left.
Whispers echo in my ears,
Drifting in to confirm my fears. |
Interrupting the quotation to say 'No!' to 'confirm'. Not a good word here! I can suggest 'Drifting in to feed my fears'. This would mean choosing to insert near-clichéd phrases, but the sound of the poem would be fantastic. The same goes for here:
| Quote: |
Footsteps gather outside the walls
I can’t escape…death (my darling!) calls. |
We might have heard 'Footsteps fall' before, but listen to this:
Whispers echo in my ears,
Drifting in to feed my fears.
Footsteps fall outside the walls;
I can't escape... my darling calls.
You have lots of alliteration and you get internal rhyme. But I love alliteration so not everyone would agree with that suggestion!
| Quote: |
I crave the numbing fire
Consuming me; reaching higher and higher. |
I reckon these are the two lines that need rewritten. The rhythm is thrown off in the second line.
| Quote: |
I revel in the screaming silence,
Sobering me; the peaceful violence. |
Great contrasts.
| Quote: |
A curse is forming on my lips,
As my fragile life easily rips
Away, up into the sky,
And I, the condemned witch, finally fly. |
I don't like 'easily rips', but I can't think of any suggestions at the moment. The third line is too short; the last line is a bit too long. I was going to suggest cutting 'witch', but how about 'And'?
Those are all the ideas I have. I really like this already! |
_________________
Click for critiques 
Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
|
| Back to top |
|
Princess
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 267
Reviews: 70
Country: Candyland
593 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 11:04 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This is a great poem! the only critique i can give you is:
"Come, shadowed dreams
Lock away my sanity"
Those are the first two lines, and they should rhyme like all the others..
other then that, i thought it was great! i loved how you described death as her friend |
_________________
Got YWS?
I say "Lol" merely because I have no idea what you're talking about. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Lethys
Novice
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 2
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It was pretty good, sounds like a real witch could say in a ritual or something.
As already has been said, the first 2 lines should rhyme, 'cause all the others do too.
Also some of the lines don't really "flow", mainly the last 2.
Some lines were really good, while others are a bit less.
For the rest I don't really have a lot to say. :] It describes pretty well how a witch thinks about life and death. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
