Young Writers Society

Stop and Stare ~ Chapter Three, Part Two



Zoey

I'd never been to school without Aimee before. Even in primary school, I used to refuse to go anywhere unless my hand was attached to hers. I tightened my grip on the bag in my hand and shut my eyes. Maybe if I imagined hard enough, I could make the leather bag feel like Aimee's smooth hands. I kept on trying and trying, but it was worthless.
Realising what I'd just done, I gritted my teeth together. Control, Zoey. Control. If Aimee knew about me imagining that she was a bag, she would have had a good laugh at me. I wouldn't have blamed her. I had other things to concentrate on now. I was going into year eleven next year, and I'd be taking my GCSE exams. Besides, running over everything in my head wasn't going to help solve her murder, so what was the point? There was no point doing or thinking about anything unless it got me anywhere.
In the hand that wasn't holding my bag was my mobile phone, and it felt as though it was burning my ear. My dad was on the other end, talking about anything as long as he knew I was still listening to him, and I made sure that I heard every word. I was on my way to school to renew my scholarship, but without the constant blabbering about boyfriends in my ears, it felt like a different kind of journey entirely.
"You should have just come to the school with me early this morning, Zoey." My dad sighed.
"I know... I just... I had to do this on my own, you know?"
Lately, I'd been all over the place, and it was about time to get myself together. I had to remain in control. Leaving my mind to ponder in all kinds of directions was dangerous, and I'd known that since I was a young girl. Engraving that thought into my mind, I started thinking about arriving at the school.
"Okay, well how close to the school are you?" he asked.
"I'll be there in five minutes," I said, pausing at the edge of a pavement. "Hang on, Dad, I need to cross the road."
I dropped my hand to my side along with my phone and glanced left, then right, then left again. Being certain that there weren't any cars, I stepped onto the road. Moments later, I was on the opposite pavement. I lifted my phone back to my ear.
"I've crossed." I smiled as I spotted the top of my school in the distance. "I can see the school now."
My mind relaxed as the knowledge of almost arriving to safety entered my mind. I was only just able to come here today because my parents had been adamant for me not to walk to school on my own, not after... what happened. We ended up settling on having my dad stay on the phone with me until I was definitely safe.
Just as I was about to turn the last street corner, I interrupted my dad as he was about to speak.
"Okay, Dad, I'm here now."
"Are you sure?"
"Uh... yeah, but Dad?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Can you stay on the phone? Until I'm outside your office...?" The last sentence was spoken quietly.
I almost immediately scolded myself. I did this on my own for a reason, and I knew I could cope with it. I had to be mature and controlled. I didn't need my dad on the other end of the phone for me. There was a silence. I could hear my own heavy breathing, followed by a quiet sigh from my father. He clicked his tongue before speaking again.
"I'm already running late, Zoey. I really can't, sorry. You'll be fine, I promise. I'll see you in the theatre then, okay?"
I sighed and bit down on my lit for a moment. Two goodbyes later, I had put my phone back into my pocket.
I turned the corner to see the school across the road even bigger than I remembered. It's white modern design drew people in, giving them no option but to stare at the huge building as they passed. It was covered in windows, and each one glistened in the afternoon sun. Aimee always used to comment on how it was probably built so nicely on the outside to lure people in. Then, when their kids had a spot there, those kids were eternally trapped in the depths of educational hell. I smiled weakly. Gradually, I felt a lump forming in the back of my throat.
Trying to stop my thoughts from wondering to places I didn't want them to go, I kept my eyes on the school. I lowered them until they reached the brick wall that surrounded the building. I suddenly paused on the pavement. What in God's name...? Was there...? There was something behind the top of the wall. My eyes widened as I realised that it was someone's head. Oh my God, were they breaking into the school?
"Hey! Stop!" I yelled.
The next thing I knew, their hands had disappeared from the top of the wall. There was a sudden cry, a thud, then nothing. Everything was silent once more. The lump that was in my throat almost fell out of my mouth as I heard my heartbeat speeding up. As quickly as possible, I glanced left, then right, then left again. This time, I jogged across the road.
Once I was safely outside the school's gate, I reached for my bag and brought out the envelope that came with the letter the school had sent me. Struggling due to panic, I read the code that was scrawled across the envelopes flap. 260296. After memorising the number, I put the envelope back into my bag, then reached for the bolt on the gate. Clicking it open, I flicked the lid of the black bolt up and dialled the code on the number pad.
The screen read ERROR. Cursing inwardly, I dialled the code again, but this time, I did it slower to make sure I pressed every button correctly. There was a pause. Come on. I tried poking my head through the fence in hope of seeing something. Then the gate started opening.
The second the gate had opened enough for me to squeeze past it, I did so. There was a bag on the floor, but I ignored it. I turned to my right and ran, searching the cleanly cut grass. There was a sudden flash of colour amongst the green. I stopped. Lying on the ground was a boy dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a loose t-shirt that clearly needed a wash. His eyes were shut and he was entirely motionless.
Oh my God, what had I done? I glanced around me, unsure of whether I wanted someone to have seen what had happened or not. If he was hurt, did that mean I could've gotten into trouble? I bit down on my lip. I didn't mean to make him fall... I stepped closer towards the boy.
His hair was like the colour of Coke, and it fell messily over his forehead. His hair really could have done with a brush actually. I inched forward, biting my lip even harder as I stared at him. His features were soft, almost girlish, but he somehow looked nothing like a girl.
"Hey?" I said a little quieter than intended. "Um... Are you okay?"
The boy remained silent without even flinching. What if he was seriously hurt? The boy did, and said nothing. I had to call for an ambulance, or at least find someone. I knelt down beside the boy before glancing around. There was no one in sight.
"Hello?" I shouted as I glanced around, making me feel rather silly. "Is anyone there?"
Nothing. The longer I sat there, the heavier my breathing became. I tried my hardest to think rationally. Maybe he was fine. But what if he wasn't? He wasn't waking up... Oh, God, he was hurt, wasn't he? I'd hurt him. I shook my head. He couldn't have been. I mean, I couldn't see any blood. That meant he was okay, didn't it? Who was I kidding?
I unzipped my bag in a rush and frantically searched for my mobile phone. When I felt leather on my hand, I grasped my phone case. I lifted my phone out. My hand were trembling as I pulled my phone out of its case. I swallowed hard. Then the boy started stirring. I remained still with my phone in my hand.
I soon dropped my phone back into my bag. "Hey? Can you hear me?" I gently shook his shoulder before pulling away.
Don't shake him! I shouted at myself with my thoughts. Did I want to brake his neck? Unless it was already broken... Oh my God, what if I'd left him brain damaged or something? I gazed at the boy. Hang on, what if he was going to hurt me? I scratched my head. Maybe I should have ran anyway... just to be safe.
Before I had a chance to move, the boy began mumbling some inaudible words. I froze in the spot and shuffled away a little. Oh, God, I didn't really have a choice now. His eyelids flickered open to reveal a pair of eyes that were noticeably different in colour. I raised my eyebrows in wonder.
"Shitting hell..."
The boy's voice made me jump as he sat up. He winced a little when he pressed down on his right hand. I shuffled away even more. He cursed again as he rubbed the back of his head before looking at me.
"Oh, hey... I was just, uh, you know, climbing a wall." He paused. "As you do."
He brought his hand back down and on it was a patch of scarlet coloured liquid. He scanned the blood for a moment, then began laughing as he rubbed it on the ground. He's laughing...? Why is he laughing? I stared at the blood that was now stained on the grass.
"Oh, God... I'll go and get someone!"
"No!" The boy swiftly grabbed my arm as I tried to stand up.
He let out a cry after I knocked his right hand off me. He cursed. Again. I gazed at him as I jumped to my feet. Why did he grab me? Why didn't he want me to get someone? He had been trying to break in, hadn't he? The boy started rubbing his wrist as he turned back to me.
"Fricking hell, are you trying to cripple me or something?"
I simply stared at him. He must have said at least ten curse words by now, and quite frankly, he looked like a homeless man. Every part of my common sense was screaming at me to start running and get some help. These kind people were dangerous. I didn't take my eyes off the boy as he continued cursing under his breath. His language was appalling.
"Me hurt you? You just fell off a ten foot wall. I'd be more worried about that!" I snapped at him. "Speaking of that, what do you think you were doing?" I took my phone out of my pocket as more words came shooting out of my mouth. "Breaking into this school is against the law, and my dad's the headmaster. If I call him, you are... you are in deep trouble."
"Woah, chill out." He held his hands up. "I wasn't breaking in. I've gotta be here for an audition thing," he replied as he gradually began to stand up. He grinned. "Besides, I didn't just fall. You violently yelled at me until I fell."
"What? That's not true! I said two words!" I started stammering and the boy started laughing again.
He was on his feet now, rubbing his head again. He stepped forward, and I stepped took three steps back. WHy was he coming nearer to me? Just as I was about to scold him for laughing, the boy suddenly stumbled backwards, only just stopping himself from falling.
"Are you okay? Sorry! I didn't mean to shout, I..."
I hurried towards him, which resulted in him backing away and me freezing in the spot. Don't go near him! He could be dangerous! He looked at me strangely then - he stared at me. His eyes scanned my face, and he seemed to be thinking. What was he thinking about? Oh my God, he wasn't planning on doing anything to me, was he? Soon enough, he was laughing again. I backed away.
"I'm cool. I just got up too quickly. Trust me, I've had worse knocks than this. I just need to get inside, so--"
"You can't go inside! I'll call for an ambulance or something now."
"No, don't." The boy stepped closer towards me. "Please don't. Please." His voice was hinting at desperate now. He must have realised that because the tone of his voice suddenly changed. "Honestly, I'm fine. It ain't even that big of a fall. Besides, my head acted as a cushion for the rest of me."
I suppose he was right in some sense. I mean, he seemed to be perfectly fine. A little bit disorientated, admittedly, but nothing serious. Plus, calling for some help could have gotten me into trouble. I had made him fall off a wall, after all...
"Fine... Just... just promise you'll go to see a doctor later," I finally said.
"Cool! Well, I'm off then. See you later." The boy smiled.
He rubbed his bloodstained hand on his jeans and began wandering along the grassed area, then onto the road. I briefly turned my eyes back to the ground and noticed a dark blood stain where his head had been rested. Next to it was a rock. The boy was walking along the road now, and I followed after him. He stumbled a few times, which made me quicken my pace, and also change my mind.
"Hey! Look, you really need to go to get to the hospital or something," I called after him. When I caught up to him, he turned to me. He just shrugged and continued walking. Well, stumbling really. "You keep falling over! You could be concussed... or have to have stitches. Oh, and your wrist. You might have broken it."
The boy stopped and rolled his eyes. "Look, whatever your name is, I ain't gonna die. Besides, I'm left handed. I'll be fine."
He started walking again, but this time, it was even faster than before. That resulted in more stumbling. I followed him as he stepped onto the paved area that led to the school's entrance. I made sure not to step on any cracks, which made keeping up with the boy even harder.
"It's Zoey, not whatever your name is." I scanned his face for a moment. I felt my cheeks redden as my eyes locked into his.
"Hey, do you have heterochromia?" I asked as we both slowed down slightly.
"Huh...? Ain't that when you've got bad frostbite?"
"No... That's hypothermia," I said slowly. "Your eyes. One's green, but the other one's blue."
"Well done, you ain't colour blind." He winked at me. "Seriously though, whatever yo-- Zoey, I've gotta hurry up."
I opened my mouth to speak again, but didn't have a chance to actually say anything because before I could, the boy had jogged up the concrete steps that led to to the school's entrance. I caught one last glance of the back of his head as he disappeared into the building. He was lucky his hair was so dark - the blood would have been noticeable otherwise.
I really should have called an ambulance. Either that, or the police. I considered reaching into my bag for my phone again, but instead of doing that, I simply paused at the doorway for a moment. I wasn't sure why exactly, but I did. In the end, I suppose my curiosity got the better of me. Something wasn't right about that boy, and I had to find out why.
But what if I had called the police? Or what if I never followed him? Would things be different?



Click here to read STOP AND STARE (CHAPTER 3.3)

Hey Skins! I can't believe I'm first again! I only have about ten minutes before they turn the internet off, so I'll make this quick.

Charlie did seem a little different, but then he was also just knocked unconscious. I wasn't really bothered by it at all. Zoey, on the other hand, was weird. It was like she didn't care that he'd fallen off the wall. It could just be me, but she seems very rational, very nervous, and very paranoid (well, the last one's obvious.) And yet, instead of flying into an utter panic, she just sortof sits there and then shakes him. What if his neck had been broken? Isn't she smart enough not to do that? And then she's all, "Well, you shouldn't have been climbing on the wall in the first place," which felt a little odd to me.

The second problem I had with her is that I'm not really feeling her sorrow. Sure, you mentioned a lump and some tears, which is better than if you simply said what she was feeling, but I know you can do better. There are still a lot of awkward phrases and a couple typos (Come one instead of come on, he began wondering instead of wandering, etc.) but nothing really major.

As for the plot, I like it. I'm reading it more as, well, a reader, now, than as a writer, which is really really really good. It did feel a little awkward when he just gets up and walks away, like the action is just trailing off. I'm also having trouble picturing it, because of all the injuries he just got.

Ok, I have to go. I can't wait for the next part, and happy writing.

See you!

Lupis

Skinsy!

Ok, well, I didn't catch the mistakes Lupis did, but I'm tired and my eyes have gone screwy. So, bare with me.

Unlike Lupis, it WAS Charlie's behaviour that seemed off to me. I couldn't remember him laughing once, and here he's done it several different times. But, I figured there was a reason, as there always is.

After reading Lupis' review, I realised that something DID bother me about Zoey. Why in the world was she thinking about how pretty he looked? I mean, he fell down 10 feet, he's bleeding, his wrists possibly broken, and yet, he still made it into the school. Shouldn't she be wondering who she let in? And where's her Dad? I mean, he said he'd meet her a minute later...More than a minute passed, why didn't he meet up with them?

And that was it. I love this, Skinsy, I really do. You're quite the talented writer, keep up the great work.

Tanya

Rhino. *tips hat*
So, I was going to review every single part for you, because you're special, but then I decided to be lame and only review this one instead. I did, however, actually read through everything. Because otherwise, I would have read this chapter and went, "Whaaaaat?" So. Review time.

First of all, I must be nit-picky and annoying about one thing. In most areas, I was very impressed with how well-written this was. There are, however, a few areas where you seemed to get a little.... repetitive. For example (it's from this chapter, because, you know, that makes sense.)

Skins wrote:The boy remained silent without even flinching. What if he was seriously hurt? The boy remained silent. I had to call for an ambulance, or at least find someone. I knelt down beside the boy before glancing around. There was no one in sight.

Sort of like that ^ right there. Except for usually it's just a lot of 'he' or something similar in the same paragraph. That sort of gives me a headache sometimes, but hey! It's a quick fix, is it not?

Now, I agree with Lupis more than Happy on Charlie's... different-ness. (In my mind, yes, that is a word.) After all, he did just fall off of a wall, so I wouldn't worry about that too much. I also agree that Zoey was a little off. There were points when she seemed ever so concerned that poor Charlie fell of the wall, and then she'd suddenly go into a paragraph-long lapse where she didn't seem to care much at all.

In other words, that seemed a little... inconsistent in places.

Also, in the beginning of the chapter, Zoey's feelings were a lot more obvious. When she was talking to her dad, it sort of wavered, but just before and just after, it seemed good. It sort of vanished later on, however. Then again, it would probably be tricky to portray her sorrow and paranoia and her concern for Charlie all at once... So.

That aside, this novel is seriously impressing me. xD I honestly can't wait until you have the next part up. I will totally review it for you, by the way. Oh, and sorry to disappoint, but it will be nothing like torture.

I like spoilers, too!

Hey Skins!
Another awesome chapter for which I'm very grateful!

Okay, here we go:

I dropped my hand to my side along with my phone and glanced left, then right, then left again. Being certain that there weren't any cars, I stepped onto the road.

You were concerned about her not sounding like herself? In the past few chapters, she came off as cautious so I’d say this does sound like her.

Come on

His hair was like the colour of Coke

Nice simile, though I wouldn’t imagine her character being into coke, she sounds so prim and proper and cautious, I’d think she’d likely be into healthy eating and not think of coke to describe someone’s hair.

His hair really could have done with a brush actually

Good. Sounds like her.

He let out a cry after I knocked his right hand off me.

Hang on. If his hand was hurt, he would instinctively reach out with his 'healthy' hand, wouldn't he? Plus, he mentioned he was left handed, so that would make more sense too, right?

But what if I had called the police? Or what if I never followed him? Would that have prevented it all from happening?

Nice bit of foreshadowing here



Overall, I loved it. This is probably my favorite novel on YWS right now!
However, I do not understand the allusions to the forest. Perhaps you mentioned them in previous chapters and I just didn't realize when I read them? Or perhaps you'll talk about them later. Either way, hopefully that'll be cleared up soon.

Both of your characters sounded like themselves mostly, however Zoey is coming off as prim and proper and in the past chapters she did sound slightly arrogant and snobbish, but here, we didn't see this side of her. When she met this boy who swore so much, I expected her to be a bit more arrogant towards him. Perhaps though, the panic did not allow her to do so. He did mostly sound like himself, what with him swearing so colorfully, and he's a very likable character too by the way, with the way he teases her and makes her panic even more. I like Zoey too, I kind of like the fact that she's snobbish/ arrogant because she has flaws and it will be ironic when she falls for him. Also, you can really develop and change her through the story. The theme of 'change' is always interesting to see.

What I don't understand is why Zoey had to go and renew her scholarship at all. I mean, if her father is the headmaster, surely he can do that himself? Or does it require some kind of interview or test to make sure she deserves it? In that case, why is she so sure she can receive it? Also, if her parents were so anxious about her going out alone, why didn't she just go to school with her father in the morning? I'm assuming it is a merit based scholarship, as her family came off as rich and her father is a headmaster, so why would she need to pay for the school?

Okay, that's it basically, just a few things to think about
Please let me know when you have the next part up

Hey Skinso, as you've requested. I'm here in a jiffy. LOL But I was already thinking of reviewing this since yesterday, nuh... I just didn't get to linger with the comp last night... so yeah.. Anyway, here it goes.

COLOR CODE:
NITPICKS|ADDED|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION

Oh it's ZOEY! yay.

Nitpick #1

I was on my way to school to renew my scholarship, but without the constant blabbering about boyfriends in my ears, it felt like a different kind of journey entirely.

I think that the adverb refers to the adjective different; therefore, it should be as closest as possible.

I was on my way to school to renew my scholarship, but without the constant blabbering about boyfriends in my ears, it felt like an entirely different kind of journey.

I dropped my hand to my side along with my phone and glanced left, then right, then left again.

So, it's always right there, too, eh?

"Hey! Stop!" I yelled.

Oh my oh my oh my... it was her!

Nitpick #2

The boy did, <unnecessary comma>and said nothing.

I'm trying a different review format today. As you can see, I change once in a while.

Weaknesses

For this part, actually, I only have one serious nitpick, and that was how this part ended.

Something wasn't right about that boy, and I had to find out why.

But what if I had called the police? Or what if I never followed him? Would that have prevented it all from happening?

This is just too much -- too much foreshadowing, I think. I mean, if it's possible, just delete the question. I'm not sure what the right word is, but the question just makes it -- *shrugs* The question wasn't just unnecessary; it was like a smudge on a clear window glass. Maybe it's just me. Oh... it's just me! But I just find it annoying. Like, OK, I already want to read the rest, do I have to read that? Oh, it's like a forced hanger.

Anyway, that being said...

Strengths

The strength of this part is as we all know it, Charlie and Zoey's first encounter with each other. It was very nice! I mean, I thought the one who yelled was a police or something, and I was like, "IT'S ZOEY!" screaming it like a little girl. The flow was still smooth. And I don't find this short at all! XD The length was fine... and yeah, this is very, very important. Even so, it was really fun to read.

You've added cool character facts to it, like Charlie's being, or having?, heterochromia. Oh man! That was too cool. Letting us know that was just so cool. I can't get over it. I mean, it's not in every story you see such a unique character appearance like that. I love knowing stuffs like that -- whether it's important for the story or not (I'm guessing it's important here because Charlie's somehow part of a crime) -- and I'm pretty sure lotsa other readers love, too. So yeah, well done. And wait... Did Zoey just had a crush on him for that? Well, she's weird. LOL

One more thing before I go, I was just wondering, how old are the age difference between the sisters? I'm guessing a year or two, eh? Never mind that. I was just curious.

OK, I'm done. KEEP WRITING!

~ Jash ♥

P. S. Don't for get: ONLY EXCEPTION... There's a duet to it. There's a guy singing. And it was so good. I just can't find it on youtube. It's roaming Philippine radios. Gah... If a Filipino reads this, no, it isn't the VIVA cover. (They should find original artist -- *ehem* like Ja-- Ba-- )

To nitpick or not to nitpick? On the one hand, there were some parts that I would like to clear up, but on the other hand they weren't that bad and since this is a novel you're probably not so interested in fixing typos and awkward sentences as you are in sorting out plot/character issues... but then again, you always say you like the nitpicks and find them really helpful... but I've got a lot of homework (the three more reviews) to do today and nitpicks take a lot of time... argh. I can't decide. How's this: I'm not going to do nitpicks. But if you want them then just ask and I'll come back and give you a review that's just nitpicks, yeah? Yeah. Lovely. The fact that it took me so long to say that is not a good sign, I fear...

Anyhow--I really liked this chapter, sir! As canis said, I'm reading this like a reader, not a writer, which is a great sign. I was sucked in the whole time and when it ended I wished that I could flip a page and go to the next chapter, because I would have. I can't believe I didn't think of the padlock on the gate... I was honestly wondering why in the world the gate had been closed for Charlie. But wouldn't he have seen the padlock? Maybe not, I guess, but it just seems like you'd look for that kind of thing before climbing over a wall, doesn't it? Anyway, the story is coming along nicely, methinks. It's engaging and rather addicting and I have no idea what's going to happen next. It's rather obvious that Zoey and Charlie are going to end up together, but what are they going to do? I feel like since they've only just met, this is the really beginning of the novel and everything up until now was just setting the stage for what's going to come next. I can't wait to see what that'll be!

Okay. The main issue here (as you and all your reviewers have been saying) is with the characters. Let's first talk about Zoey. I'm not exactly sure why (as stela said) she didn't come in early with her dad, but that's not a huge issue. I'm more bothered by how distracted she is. I know you're trying to make her sad/traumatized, but she's still gotta feel like the same person she was before, doesn't she? For example, if she's so nervous about being alone then how come she hardly thinks about her father's conversation? She really doesn't seem like she could care less about him. She almost seems to think it's silly that he's on the phone. I can't really describe the change in her... it's sort of that she's just less defined as a character. She feels a little more like she could be anyone. It's been a few months since Aimee died, right? So Zoey isn't really in the shock/denial stage any more, right? But she still feels shell-shocked to me. I think she should have moved on a little bit, she should be learning to cope with her grief however she can--I would think, knowing her, that she'd cope with it in a "just don't think about Aimee" way, but that might just be my impression. I don't know. It's a really hard thing to write about, since that kind of thing can change a person completely... but I think you need to think about exactly how you want to portray her coping with it all because right now can't really tell.

I think you need to make her more tense, over all. Making her mind wandering gives the impression that she's relaxed, and she was never relaxed in any of the other chapters so maybe that's what is so weird about her now. I think maybe she should have fewer thoughts about "if Aimee were here..." and more thoughts of "just get through what you have to do and don't think about anything." Then, if she does have some flashbacks about her sister they will really stand out as a moment of weakness and they will be all the more poignant.

Anyway, I actually thought her initial reaction to Charlie was pretty well done. I'm not sure why she'd scream at him to stop, but it works so nicely as a plot device that I'm not going to make you change it. ^_~ I liked that she was cautious and her thoughts were all over the place and she didn't know what to do. It was very realistic, I think. But once again, it was realistic for anybody--it didn't feel like a uniquely Zoey-ish reaction. I think you really need to make her less thoughtful/contemplative and more panicky. Make her less "hmm, maybe I should do this... but then again that might happen, so what if I did that instead?" and more "oh my God. I have no idea what to do." Also, I think she's unrealistically warm towards him. The first thing she thinks about when she gets close and looks at him is that he's pretty. I really think she needs to be more scared of him--after all, she yelled at him to stop because she thought he was breaking in, right? And then when he starts talking to her, I think she needs to be more disgusted/scared than she is. She hardly seems put off by his language, which I'd think she would be. I basically think she's warming up to him too soon. I knew they were going to fall in love from the beginning, so I don't think it's meant to be a surprise, but still--it seems out of character for her to be so sweet on someone who's dirty and gross and foul-mouthed and just broke into her school. She can be curious, sure, but I don't think it's realistic for her to go up and tell him that his eyes are pretty.

And now about Charlie. You're right--he doesn't feel like himself. But he's got a better excuse than Zoey: firstly, he just got knocked out. Secondly, he's excited about the whole audition thing, so he's a bit less depressed than usual. I'm not saying you can get away with it completely, but it's not as bad as it might be. ^_^ One thing I'd like to mention is that if he was knocked out, then it's a big deal. People get knocked out all the time in movies and on television and in books, and they're fine... but if you hit your head and go unconscious I'm pretty sure that means you've had a concussion. After a concussion you'd have a hard time getting up and walking, then running. I know he stumbles and stuff, and that's good... but he seems too chipper. He's taking it all too lightly. If he was knocked out, then he's badly injured and knowing what I know of him that would make him swear and be sour not crack jokes and *gasp* laugh. I think he needs to be more nervous, too. I know he's probably trying to act chill so that she doesn't call the police, but I think he's doing it too well. He should be a little more obvious. And was there a moment when he was looking at her and he thought she looked like Aimee? I thought there was... and I think that's awesome. ^_^ Maybe make him stare awkwardly at her for a moment? Hehe. You don't have to. Also, I'm pretty sure he left his bag at the wall and didn't take it into the school building. Was that intentional, or did you just forget to make him pick it up? ^_~

Overall, good job. I don't really have any concrete suggestions (as you can probably tell...) but I do think the characters could use some tweaking and I hope my ramblings help you figure out what that tweaking should be. There isn't really anything in the chapter to talk about except the characters, so I'm not sure I've got anything more to say. It's nice, all in all. Yep. It's coming along smoothly, methinks. I still love Charlie, by the way. His heterochromia is very endearing, and so is his left-handedness. I'm glad he's not too badly hurt. ^_^ You did that just for me, didn't you?

Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but I've already given you the most helpful review ever, remember ("Windowsill")? So there isn't really much more to say. ^_~ Let me know if you've got questions or the like, obviously.

Tootaloo.

a

Hi Skins!

Yay, I'm so glad I finally got to this part. This was good as always, and I'm glad that Charlie and Zoey finally met -- I've been waiting for that moment for quite a while. Your style is nice and consistent in terms of your character voice. That being said, there were few things that I noticed.

You messed up "its" a couple of times. See, it's not always written as a contraction. "It's" is short for "it is", and "its" generally refers to possession. If you're ever unsure about which to use, you should write out "it is", stick it in your sentence, and see if it make sense. It does, keep the apostrophe, and if it doesn't, write it without.

Secondly, how old is Zoey? I know that I mentioned this in the first chapter that her character was introduced, but she seems way, way too young -- like eleven or twelve. I know she misses her sister, but come on? If she's sixteen or however old you say she is in the club page, she's got to have been to school without her sister. How much older is she? Even if they traveled together and ate lunch together every single day, she would still have different classes since she is younger and in a different grade. Also, primary school is the youngest, right? So it would make more sense for her to hold her sister's hand then, but not when she was older. Playing with the leather bag seems a little bit extreme.

Another comment I had was about the pacing and the general tone and detail you put into this story as a whole. I've noticed this with this chapter especially, but it rings throughout your whole tale thus far. I hate to be corny, but you seriously need to stop and stare at what you're writing so think about all the details and whether or not your story makes sense. You rush through your story so fast so you can finish it and get to the next part, so much so that we don't have any breathing room to get close to the characters or the setting they're in.

This is obviously set in Britain, which make sense because it's what you know. However, you need to keep in mind that not all of your readers are British and are going to understand what you are talking about when you refer to things like school. For instance, I don't know what the American equivalent to Year 11 is and thus I can't place an age and it makes Zoey harder to relate to. You don't need to flat out say that American equivalent, but at least tell us how old she is. For example, "I'm sixteen, but I turn seventeen in April." That would tell me she would be a Junior in the American system. Also, chips for us are what you would call crisps. While I know that, not everyone will. Make it fairly obvious by either stating a brand name (Do you guys have Lays, Sunchips or Pringles? Those are the biggies for us) or describing their salty texture or something to that effect. It's just an example.

Leading off of that thought, I think you have so much more room for detail. I don't know how old any of these characters are or what they look like or what the setting is like that they're in. You proved that in the first part you're really good at building up atmosphere, and there is hardly any in these last few parts. When you do have description, lot of it is over the top - we don't need to be told of 'scarlet liquid'. Mentioning blood will do the job.

A few things to think about: What's Zoey's house like? It would be also important to establish traits (like that her father is the headmaster) early on so we're not confused when we read about them well into the story. What's the school like? In the last, I didn't realize Charlie was going to a school where everyone else would be - I kind of imagined it as a solitary little place where no one was, not when school was in session. In fact, I'm still lost on this whole plot thread. Why wasn't the audition mentioned before? What is it for? Why is he going to this school if he doesn't go there? How did he get on the wall? Why doesn't any one want them there? Embellish on their conversation! This is an important part; don't feel like you have to move right away to the next plot thread.

Also, I don't know if this is just me, but we're pretty far into the story and I can't really see a plot developing in the slightest. I'm not saying we have to know what's going to happen from the first page, but right now it just feels like two different teenagers leaving somewhat average lives with one thing connecting them. So, they've met now, but what's going to happen then? Is Charlie going to be arrested and tried? Are they going to fall in love only for Zoey to find out Charlie's friend is the one who killed her sister? Even if the plot slowly seeps out at us instead of all at once, you can hint to it in different ways. I don't really know what kind of a novel this is going to end up as, and it makes me feel somewhat detached.

So, that's all I really have to say. I hope this doesn't seem to harsh, because I did like this and I think you have a nice little story in the making and I'm always curious to see how it develops with each coming chapter. As always, feel free to drop me an note either through PM or on my wall if you have any questions! Keep writing!

~ Elinor