Young Writers Society

Stop and Stare ~ Chapter Four, Part One



Zoey

I sighed as I gazed into my locker. I could feel my stomach spinning as the stench of something bitter and strong circled the air around me. I'd left for a lousy six weeks, then came back to find this mess. The least this school could do was make sure that every locker was in good condition. Whoever had owned this one last year must have lived in a pig sty, if this locker was anything to go by. I made sure to remember to bring some disinfectant to school tomorrow.
Into the darkness of the locker, I could just see a pile of, what looked like, water. The smell that wafted out from the locker convinced me otherwise. I let out a sudden gag as thoughts of what that liquid could be entered my head. In the one corner of the locker, there was some kind of food--a sandwich, I think. Judging by the way its corners had curled as well as turned a bizarre colour told me that it wasn't all too fresh. I made a chocking sound again. The silver walls of the locker were filthy, and there wasn't an inch of metal that didn't have a brownish tint to it.
I reached into my bag and brought out a packet of wet wipes. Holding the locker's door with my one hand, I began rubbing the wet wipe along the mirror that was stuck to the metal door. The wipe was cool against my palm, and for a moment, it was able to settle the thoughts racing through my mind. It wasn’t long until I could actually recognise my own face in the now clear reflection. I popped the used wet wipe into the bin beside me, and then shut my locker’s door. Yes, I’d definitely have to clean that thoroughly tomorrow.
I despised everything about the first day back in school. The school’s schedule was basically non-existent, half of my classmates returned overly noisy and excited, and I always ended up having a number of teachers that had never taught me before, so they didn’t really have any idea about what level I was on in the subject they taught. They could see my grades, but knew nothing about me personally. Their knowledge on my strengths and weaknesses was poor. There were no organisation skills in the process of the first day back whatsoever. As the thoughts crawled into my head, it was as though my mind was beginning to overload, but I attempted to soothe it as best as I could. This day, I'd normally toddle over to Aimee and see if she had any more of an idea of what was going on, even though I knew very well that she'd have no idea. I smiled for a moment, but it soon decreased into a frown. I ran my tense fingers through my hair as I turned my mind to something more positive.
It was a good few weeks since I’d been in the school, and to my satisfaction, the hallways appeared to be just as well kept. Certainly better than my locker anyway. I rolled my eyes as I thought back to the day I renewed my scholarship. In the end, it took me almost an extra two hours to get it done. It was ridiculous. My dad had better scolded his staff for holding everything up because they most definitely needed to improve on sticking to a time schedule.
That wasn’t what stuck in my mind from that day though. That boy--the one who'd fallen off the school's outside wall was stuck in my memory. Charlie Black. What was on my mind now though was whether he got accepted into the school or not. I had asked my dad about it, but he only gave me a lecture about not being able to reveal who did and didn't gain a scholarship, and how he couldn't even tell his family. Quite frankly, I found that absurd. Who did he think I would tell? I suppose I may have told Bridie, but then again, I couldn't have even done that because she'd been on holiday over summer. I think I had the right to know who was and who wasn't being allowed into the school by my own dad though.
Charlie would have easily passed the music side of things because despite falling off a wall, his voice was note-perfect. My curiosity had gotten the better of me that day, so I couldn't help but stand outside the theatre with the door slightly ajar. He’d picked a rather daring song too because it wasn’t one that was well known at all really. Charlie had changed the arrangement of the song so that it was far shorter, but he'd done so in a way that managed to avoid leaving out a single high point of the song. If anything, it sounded as though Charlie had written it himself.
It was the GCSE side of things that made me unsure of the outcome when it came to him gaining a scholarship. His results weren’t too bad, but he only had two grades that were an A, and the one was in music anyway. The other was in art, so I wasn't even sure if that would help him much. He just had to hope that was enough, I suppose.
After making sure that my bag was closed tightly, I began wandering down the hallway. It was impossible not to notice the odd stare aimed at me as I passed some people. I knew why they were staring. Honestly, some of these people needed to mind their own business. What happened to Aimee gave them no excuse to gaze at me like a school of fish. As I wandered, my eyes scanned the hallways for someone, anyone that I knew. I couldn't see Bridie anywhere. When there was a hundred and one people staring at me, having my best friend with me would have made it much easier to ignore. She must have been in her class already or something. My heart began pouncing against my chest as a clammy feeling took over my forehead and palms. Everyone was looking at me. I took in a deep breath and locked my eyes in front of me. After a brief moment of standing still, I flicked my fringe out of my eyes and continued walking.
“Zoey?” I heard a voice calling me from behind. “Zoey!”
The second I recognised who that voice belonged to, I shut my eyes for a few seconds and groaned. I’d been here for a measly ten minutes, and he’d been able to find me already? I spun around, and to my disappointment, it was exactly who I dreaded it would be.
“Hey, William...” Go away.
William stopped beside me with an overly ecstatic grin on his skinny face. His dark hair had been combed flat across his forehead, and I swore I could smell the hairspray on it from where I was standing. Like usual, his school uniform was immaculate. That was one positive thing about him, I suppose. The blood from my face all seemed to pile up in my cheeks as I watched William, and I was aware of my cheeks burning up. Couldn't he leave me alone?
“Hey, Zoey!” He was right in front of me now, still with a grin on his face. “Have you had your hair cut since the start of summer? Wow, a fringe really brings out your eyes. Hey, how did your end of year exams go?”
“Thanks,” I replied. “They went well. Uh, I better get to my first lesson.”
I turned back around and continued wandering down the hallway, but I was conscious of William’s heavy footsteps behind me. When he started speaking again, I knew for sure that I hadn’t gotten rid of him. It wasn't that I didn't like him as such, but I simply didn't want to know about his sister who seemed to be a completely genius, his mother who lived in some foreign country, how he'd won every sporting competition he'd ever been in, or all of the times he'd gotten a hundred percent in exams. I mean, that was all he ever talked about. His company was fine, but only in small doses, and not on the first day back in school with a million and one things slithering in and out of my mind.
As we walked further, the sweaty feeling on my skin lessened. I even felt my heartbeat return to its normal rate. Normality was good for me, I suppose, even if it did mean William harassing me.
"Mine went marvellously. Did I tell you that I got an A* in everything? I'm taking Biology, Chemistry, Mathematics and English for my A-Levels. I’m certain I can get an A* in all of them too, plus my Maths teacher said it was more or less fundamentally undeniable that I’ll be able to get A* all around in Maths."
I smiled and nodded, but I was paying more attention to the bare walls around me rather than William. At first, I was flattered that he seemed to be attracted to me, especially considering he was in the year above me. But there was a limit. Since I started in year seven, he'd said hello to me every break time and lunch time at the least. I glanced to the side of me, only to notice that William was wearing dark concealer to cover a tremendous pimple beside his nose. I held back a laugh in the back of my throat, but I couldn't control the smirk on my lips.
"So what lesson do you have first?" William asked, which distracted me from the make-up he was wearing.
"History." Maybe if I respond with one word responses, he'll leave me alone.
"Oh, really? You're top of the class, no doubt." He winked at me. We've been in school for ten minutes. I think it's impossible to be top of the class when you haven't had a lesson yet. "My sister took History for her A-Levels actually, and she constantly boasted about how she was the most exceptional in her class. It was mournfully annoying. I swore I could have killed my sister sometimes." He paused and his eyes widened. "Oh God, I'm sorry, I didn't think... I just... I..."
“It’s fine, it's fine. Look, I’ve really got to get to class.”
This time, William didn’t follow me as I made a break for it. There was a subtle aching feeling inside of me as Aimee's soft face flashed through my mind. I ignored, removed it from my head, and walked forward. When turned around to glance back at him, he was rubbing the back of his neck and he appeared to be mumbling to himself. I think he was scolding himself for what he said. The aching feeling returned briefly. That was the first time someone had mentioned my sister to me today. I took another deep breath, shut my eyes, and cleared my mind. I glanced back at William. That could work actually. If I made him feel as though he couldn’t speak to me without offending me, maybe that would have encouraged him to leave me alone. That sounded like a plan.
Now without William stalking my every move, I strolled along the school hallways. There were a number of new students lingering around the building who seemed to have a detailed thinking process about every single step they took. Most of them were students in year seven that had come up from primary school, but there was the odd exception of older kids who had gained themselves scholarships. Their blank faces and constant shuffling made them look just as terrified as the younger students. I'd been in this school for around four years, but right now, I knew exactly how those kids felt. Judging by the way I was avoiding eye contact and judging by my lonesome stumbling about the place, it may as well have been my first day here.
I turned my concentration to anything but people's faces. Their uniforms. Yeah, that was a good idea. I'd take a look to see if the usual uniform standards were up to scratch. I had to admit that most of what I saw, I liked. The majority of the green and black ties didn't have any loose bits dangling from them, almost everyone's blazers were fastened correctly, and every single shoe I saw was a polished black. I was observing one girl's uniform, and then I glanced up at her face to see her raising her eyebrows that were like a pair of furry caterpillars. My cheeks became flushed in the matter of seconds, and a moment later, I'd turned my head. Staring at stranger's clothes was clearly just as bad as looking at their faces.
After a brief five minutes of more awkward stares and occasional whispers directed at me, I reached my class. There weren’t many people waiting outside, and it wasn’t as though I knew any of them too well either due to the fact that they were all at least a year older than me. I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes as I tried to ignore the immature yelling and laughing that surrounded me. I seemed to have done a lot of closing my eyes today. I began subconsciously tapping my feet against the hard floor below me with my eyes remaining shut.
“Hey, Zoey, isn’t it?”
I lifted my eyelids open to see a boy with striking red hair in front of me. Well, I say in front of me, but he was a good few inches shorter than me. I narrowed my eyes for a second. I swore I recognised him... Ah, of course. It was that Adam Johnson boy at the auditions. The one with the trombone.
“Oh, heya. Yeah, it’s Zoey.” I was smiling, but then the memory of his behaviour in the lobby came back to mind. “You’re the kid that whacked your trombone against the boy who was sitting next to me, aren’t you? In the lobby?”
Adam started laughing then. He clearly didn’t notice the sour expression on my face as he leaned against the cold wall beside me. He turned to me and shrugged before realising that I didn’t find it very funny at all.
“I’m guessing it was on purpose then,” I muttered.
“Oh, come on.” He looked at me unbelievably. “That boy isn’t actually your friend, is he? He was annoying me after only being in the same room as him for five minutes.”
“I just think it was rude, that’s all,” I replied. “Well, I’m guessing you got the scholarship then. Um, speaking of that boy, have you seen him around? I’m not sure if he--”
“A straight line, please. These hallways are narrow as it is, so having you all piled up doesn’t help one bit.”
I whipped my head towards the direction of the classroom door. Standing there was who I assumed to be my new history teacher. Any positive thoughts inside of me crumbled along with my emotions His face wasn’t recognisable at all, so I guessed he was new to the school itself. Great. He certainly wouldn’t know the level I was on in class. I tensed my hands as every worry possible flooded into my head. With a flick of his wrist, the unknown teacher signalled for the group of us who were standing outside to enter the classroom.
After ambling into the classroom, I made my way towards the top right corner of the class, like usual. The teacher didn’t seem overly bothered to as of where everyone sat, so thankfully, I was able to sit in the last but one seat that was in the corner. Lines of tables and chairs filled the room, and I had sat myself down in the back row so that I was a seat but one next to the window. There were posters smeared over the walls to encourage kids not to smoke as well as posters that revealed the consequences of underage drinking. My eyes were soon distracted to the schoolwork from the previous year that had been left basically peeling off the walls. Someone desperately needed to clean that up.
Until now, I hadn’t realised that the classroom door was shut and there didn’t appear to be any more people entering the room any time soon. As the remaining students took their seats, I felt my palms beginning to sweat all over again. Both of the seats beside me were empty, and those who considered sitting by me soon decided against it. For God’s sake, my sister’s died. I’m not diseased.
Someone had to sit by me... I couldn’t just not have anyone beside me. That would ruin every inch of my concentration this lesson. Maybe I should have moved seat? No, no, I couldn’t do that. This was where I always sat, and I didn’t even want to imagine changing that. My foot began to tap against the floor in a repetitive rhythm as my mind begged for someone to start walking in my direction. I wiped my forehead, and when I brought my hand back down, it was as though my head had leaked a small river of sweat over it.
Just as my mind began spinning, I noticed Adam sauntering towards me. Please, please, please... I may not have gotten a good first impression of the boy, but I’d even be willing for him to join me so long as it meant someone would be sitting by me. My whirlwind of thoughts almost melted in relief as Adam turned the corner of the desk I was sitting beside. He was soon sitting himself down in the seat to the right of me. Every part of my body removed itself from its previous tense position. Now all I needed was for someone to sit in the window seat.
I smiled at him as he brought his stationary out of his bag. Now that there wasn’t a bucket load of panic rising in me, I tried to relax in my plastic seat. The classroom, along with the majority of my skin, was rather warm and clammy, so I grabbed a sheet of lined paper that was in front of me and began fanning myself with it.
“You alright?” Adam’s voice made me jump. “You look a little flushed.”
“Um, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” I smiled as I put my paper fan down.
“You’re the principal’s daughter, aren’t you?”
“Well, yeah. Why?”
Adam responded with a simple shrug, but he failed to hide the smirk that was forming on his lips. I raised my eyebrows as I attempted to guess what was running through his mind, but I had no choice but to give up eventually. I’d have to keep an eye on this boy. From the way he was sitting with his legs openly stretched out, to the way he was chewing gum through a smirk, there was something about him that made me wary.
Before my thoughts could process any further, they were interrupted by the teacher beginning the lesson. He didn’t say anything of much use really. He appeared to believe that having a chat on the first day back was more important than actually educating his students. He had an immensely agitating twitch in his eyebrows too. It was as though the amber eyes above his pointed nose were a pair of trampolines that caused his brows to continuously bounce up and down. While he spoke sentences completely unrelated to history through his chapped lips, my mind began drifting to the greenery outside the clear windows. There were some magnificent flowers outside, but none of the exotic bushes were able to wash away a niggling feeling at the back of my mind. I turned to the empty seat beside me and shuffled in my own seat.
“God, you are kidding me,” Adam said, distracting me from my thoughts.
“Huh?” I turned form the window I was staring at and glanced at him.
Without saying anything else, he nodded towards the front of the class. I must have done an exceptional job at ignoring the teacher because until now, I hadn’t realised that he wasn’t speaking anymore. I turned my attention to the front of the class to see the teacher, whose name I didn’t know despite having been in the lesson for just over seventeen minutes, leaning against the wall beside the doorway. Standing in the doorway itself was Charlie Black.

Hey Skins!

I liked this chapter. We get to see Zoey in a new light. She no longer just seems like the quirky girl whose sister died. Now we see that she's capable of disliking someone - Adam, and she has a sort of stalker too, which gives even more background to her character.

I did notice a few tiny mistakes -

Charlie had written the song it himself.

It should read either -

'Charlie had written the song himself.'

or

'Charlie had written it himself.'

Besides, what happened to Aimee was almost month ago now, so I didn't see why everyone thought they had to gaze at me like a school of fish.

There should be a 'a' after 'almost' but I think it reads a little awkwardly. Maybe try something along the lines of -

'Besides, the whole thing with Aimee had happened almost a month ago now,'

at least a year older than.

'at least a year older than me.'

There's even a little humour in Zoey's voice and I like that This part is good and I can't wait for the next. The whole relationship between Zoey and Charlie is going to be brillinat - I just know it!

I hope this helps

xDudettex

Skinsy, tis me!

Okay, as usual, loved the chapter. Zoey's voice is so unique and interesting. It's a wonder you manage to make Charlie just a bit interesting

Besides, the whole thing with Aimee had happened almost a month ago now, so I didn't see why everyone thought they had to gaze at me like a school of fish.

I physically flinched when I read this, Skinsy. I mean, how detatched she sounds, how indifferent. The whole thing with Aimee? She didn't get knocked up or robbed, she didn't rob a bank or wear a bad toupé. She was killed, murdered, stabbed. Considering how upset Zoey was, would she really think it this way?

And that was my only nitpick. Like dudette said, I'm enjoying these quirks of Zoey's, and you're keeping her tone consistent throughout the chapters. Nicely done!

Keep using that keyboard!

Tanya

LOL the blabber was good. I like reading blabbers. Anyway, because there was a blabber, I guess I'll be doing a review of this tomorrow... but not today. I just dropped by to say, "Gah... I wanna read this na*." But I have a few more things to do today... and I don't wanna rush any review.


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* Filipino expression for now. As in now.

Hey Skinsy! Here for a review!

All right, so I feel like this chapter (or quarter-chapter) is where more of Zoey's personality really comes out and we get to see more of her, get to go deeper into her character, which is great. I'm really looking forward to what happens between her and Charlie.

Not much for me to overall nitpick on; I noticed a few minor grammatical things, like tenses. This was one part:

My curiosity got the better of me that day, so I couldn't help but stand outside the theatre with the door slightly ajar.

I think there should be a "had" in there, to make it "My curiosity had gotten the better of me..." It gives the piece a more consistent feel that this all happened in the past during this past-tense tale.

The first day back in school was often despised by me.

I believe this is what's referred to as a passive voice, which gives more of a detached feel to the piece. By rearranging the words to something like "I despised the first day back in school," it just makes the scene feel more recent, more happening, if that makes sense.

Okay, so that's really all I've got to critique! Fantastic work yet again, and I'm eager to read the next part! Keep up the great work.

Good golly, I have been saying I'd get to this for forever! Sorry, but life's been rather... lifeish lately. And, well, you know how life can be, right? I I honestly meant to get to this sooner, but... *ehem* of course, I mean that I am intentionally fashionably late with this review. ^_^

Okay, I haven't really got the time to do nit-picks, and I assume you're not so interested in them anyway, so I'll skip that for now. Though there are some pretty awkward bits that I would like to see smoothed out in a final draft, but no need to worry about them at this point.

This chapter, like others have been saying, is great for portraying Zoey. She's back in her "natural habitat," so to speak--it's ordinary life now, not the nightmare she was living in when Aimee died. She's back in school now, and she's trying to cope with her loss. You've shown her tension and her wanting to fit in very well, I think. I sort of get the idea she doesn't really have an friends, though. Is that intentional? Of course, people are avoiding her now because of Aimee, but doesn't she have any friends can come up and give her a hug and say "I haven't seen you in so long!"? I'm homeschooled, so I guess I shouldn't really talk, but I'd assume that she would have a group of friends who would at least acknowledge her existence on the first day back. It almost feels like this is her first day at this school, to me. Was that intentional? Do you want her to seem like a loner? Do you want her to come across as someone who is not very social and doesn't have many friends at school? If you do want her to be that type then I think you should make her acknowledge it. She seems to me like someone who, if she was in fact a shy person, would notice it. She seems like someone who would notice that she doesn't have friends--not necessarily hate the fact or love it, but certainly notice it. Of course, she's a little shaken up right now because of her sister (and I agree with Tanya that she could be even more-so), but I still think she feels a little too alienated.

Another thing I noticed about her school: is everyone beside her male? I mean, the two kids who talked to her were male and her teacher is also male... so basically everyone you mention in this chapter, except Zoey, is a guy. That strikes me as a little strange--doesn't she have any female friends? For that matter, doesn't she have any male friends that aren't creepy? O.o

Along those same lines, I'm not sure the reactions of the other kids in the school are very accurate. Sure, there would probably be a fair amount of staring and whispering, but wouldn't there also be people who want to console her and comfort her? Not that the latter would be any less annoying, mind you, but I think it would be there as well. Again, I don't really know much about how schoolkids generally handle things like this, so maybe I'm completely wrong, but it just seems like the whole thing is oversimplified a little bit.

Which leads me to my next point. I know I've mentioned this before, but it's really true: the characters are starting to feel younger and younger. I thought that was okay with Charlie (after all, he'd just been hit in the head, plus he was trying to act cool for Zoey) but with her, not so much. In the first few chapters from her perspective, she was a little ridiculous but she nonetheless felt very mature. Maybe even overly mature for her age. I'm not sure if it's the school setting or if you just want her to feel a little younger, but she feels just as changed as Charlie does. Only with Charlie I liked it, and with her... well, I'm not sure I like it. She just doesn't feel like the same person anymore! I know it's hard to portray the same person in such different circumstances, but I really think the change from the post-stabbing Zoey to the school Zoey is a bit drastic.

I think the main reason for Zoey seeming different is that your writing is different. It might be intentional, it might be subconscious... I'm not sure. But whatever the reason, your style has changed a lot since the beginning of the novel. This feels a little choppier and a little less sure of itself, to me. You say things like "Quite frankly, I found that absurd." but then you don't elaborate on them. You don't really express her emotions all that much. Is this intentional? Do you want her to sound numb? That would certainly be an interesting effect as well, but you have to make up your mind. I feel like you're still not sure exactly how her personality copes with grief.

Oh! One more thing: don't think you need to mention the name of the song he sings or the name of the artist (come on, you can't address me in your intro and expect me not to talk about that topic in my review!). It feels rather superfluous to me, and out of place. It feels more like you're trying to squeeze it in than that Zoey really wanted to say it. If you want us to know the title and artist name, then maybe tell it to us in a chapter that Charlie is narrating? Perhaps one where he is preparing for his audition? Or maybe, if Zoey said something more specific about it (maybe she's got a personal attachment to the song or something?), it would also work--but as it is right now I feel like that was just sort of plunked in there for no reason except that you knew people would be curious as to what Charlie sang.

All in all, I think this is looking good, plot-wise, but the writing itself feels sort of rushed, or something. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something about the actual narrative of it that feels thinner than it did in the beginning of the novel. A little more superficial, maybe. Or it might just be that you're more focused on the plot now and you're neglecting the writing--I'm not sure. That said, I am excited about the plot. ^_~ Charlie's back! I knew he'd get in, but I'm still glad to see him.

Anyhow, I'm sorry if this review doesn't help much... but nothing much happened in this chapter, actually, so I feel like I'm just repeating things I've already said. Plus, I'm extremely exhausted right now and I have a feeling nothing I wrote is at all coherent. Honestly, at one point while writing this, I found myself nodding off even though my fingers were still typing. I won't tell you what I wrote during that time (I deleted it!) but it certainly told me that my mind was wandering/asleep, and it probably still is. Please forgive me for the mumbling and rambling and saying nothing. Let me know if you want me to come back sometime when I'm more coherent, k?

I hope this helps!


a
*falls asleep*

Hi, Skins!

So, I don't really have much to say about this chapter, so this is going to be a brief comment. You've gotten some good advice so far, and a lot of my previous comments also apply to this part. It's consistent, which is good, and you really do well with the voices and the characters. I'd like to see more of William, and I wonder if he's going to play any further role in the plot. It seems as though we're meant not to like him, and yeah, he's a little annoying, but he still seems sweet. Maybe you can show us more why Zoey thinks he's annoying?

My main comment with this is the basic setting. Like Azila said, it's very choppy and it feels isolated, which makes the rest of the story somewhat boring hard to follow. There's not really much that happens here, which is fine because sometimes you need slower scenes to develop the characters, but you got to better your transitions if you're going to be skipping a lot of time.

How much time here has passed? What exactly does the interior of the school look like? Is everyone abuzz with excitement? At the beginning, Instead of just saying that the locker was gross, really describe what it looks like. I would also go into more of her reaction at seeing Charlie and maybe delve more into their conversation.

Anyway, I hope this helps! Good luck with your revisions and I can't wait to read more!

~ Elinor

Hey Skins.

That's unfair. How am I suppose to abuse you now??

I might seem repetitive here but the starting of the chapter was quite good, but somehow till the second passage I was getting to read same words like gag and stench, and somewhere I lost interest. Maybe it's because I'm too paranoid about filling my entire story with different words, which believe me is neither easy and sometimes can irritate your readers, but at the same time I'd like you to consider this--some writers have their favourite words and you'll find that word or some of them in most of the stories they write. Like, for example, it's my personal observation that Cecilia Ahern of P.S. I Love You fame uses 'scrunched shut my eyes' a dozen of times and Steph. Meyer has a thing for adrenaline rush, but the way you repeat them should be different too. Like, neither of them would have the same word repeated in vicinity of the first time the word is used. You'll have to plan that out. Looking at it from the bigger view, this problem is tiny, but if readers spot the repetitive style a lot, they can have a bad impression on you as a writer. But, don't worry as I said; it ain't anything serious.

My other point is that we know that Zoey is a severe case of ADD and it's totally acceptable to read a character(well-formed) who cares so much about small things around her considering she's in her teens, which people consider the most lousy and care-free age. But still there are some over-reactions from her that you could totally avoid. Like there was a line where she says 'my heartbeat came to normal' or something on those lines, and personally a person can feel disgust, irritation by looking at filth, but heartbeat speeding up is something weird for me. If you want to make your character a bit over-reactive then nobody can tell you to stop, but don't make them so unbelievable that the character becomes least interesting for the readers. Not that I ain't liking Zoey dear. She's something different I've read till now.

Other thing which I strongly felt here was that it was all 'telley' in the beginning. Not from where the cleaning starts, but after that most of the time she was ranting about how things had happened with Charlie and how messed up the whole timetable was, etc, etc. Other thing I'd like to say is that somewhere I felt that the word 'white' has been repeated a lot not only in Zoey's POV but the entire time you're describing the school hall, and maybe something more than that would better paint the picture for us or it'd be better if you don't go too much into how the school looked, and if you want to show the standard of the school then it's quite easy if you go on describing the kids studying over there. The way they dress up or the lifestyle they've had. Now coming onto that I have second thoughts on how you portrayed the school. Sometimes it didn't reach down to me and felt that you were trying too hard to tell the scenario of the school. I'm pretty much confused myself but it just felt that somewhere something was missing in the school thing. Just read it yourself and you'd have a better idea of what I mean.

Honestly, it was unclear to me that why was Zoey so pissed off this guy. William, I mean. Somewhat from his behaviour I have a feeling that he is some sort of self-made divine being who loves to chat and show off but if that's the reason she hates him or despises his company is still unclear to me. I don't know if it's fine in my saying this, but this part seemed a bit too draggy and even though it wasn't the end of the chapter technically, there wasn't much going around. But on other thoughts it was essential to show how disturbed she was but it never showed how much she was missing her sister. All the time she said she was feeling like a stranger and a new kid in the school but if you'd have gone through more and showed us that how much she craved for her sister's company then maybe it'd have been better.

Other than that I didn't have much problem with this chapter, but I'd just like to add that in the beginning I was a bit confused whether it was the first day of the school or we were being led from where the previous chapter had ended. But since you came up with that locker ruckus, any doubts were erased. Overall, I liked the chapter but I just didn't 'Love' it for some reason. I don't know why, but it just didn't seem the best thing you've written. You've set your bars high so anything a bit above average from you seems like one below average. But anyways, I can't wait to read the next chapter and I am double excited to see how this whole thing is going to work out.

Bug me when you post more and do ask for reviews in my WRFF column for else I seem to forget about the posts in the Club you make.

~Shubhi

SKINS.
To cut all the crap e.g I'm so sorry, this took me forever. I guess the length of this chapter pissed me off. Infact, all guessing aside:It was how long the chapter was.

First of all;
HOW FREAKIN DARE YOU ASK ME TO REVIEW WHEN;
~AZILA
~SHUBHI
~RANGER
AND TANYA
HAVE ALREADY BEEN HERE TO REVIEW! YOU JUST WANTED TO SEE ME CRASH AND BURN DIDN'T YOU! HUH? YOU EVIL LITTLE... Ugh. I HATE YOU. *Shoves hand in face*

I might as well get this over with. Its been hanging over me for the past weeks. I'm trying not to listen to the voices that are telling me too just leave after what you did. But I'll just do it, finish it, end it whatever

I'm skipping grammar because I already know you hogged the computer for an hour just editing and using spell check. Your work is always freakishly flawless. Another reason why I hate you.

You started this off well. Instantly I had the feeling that Zoey was depressed. You used words like sighed and moaned to get across her mood without having to tell us straight. I'd also have to agree with Shubhs;

I was getting to read the same words like gag and stench, and somewhere I lost interest.

You seemed to repeat different words every couple of lines which after a while got rather irritating.
I too lost interest and begin scanning down to the next break/paragraph. By using a variety of vocabulary not only makes your writing more interetsing but it makes you look like you actully have a weird knowledge of words. What I sometimes do is open a thesaraus on a new tab and type in words like 'gag' and new words will come up that have the same meaning as the word you want but it saves all the repetition. So yes, now you know my vocabulary isn't as big as you thought.

Zoey is a serious werido. Had to get that out. In every line that you described how freaked she was about her locker I nearly cried. How strange can you get? It was like she was on drugs or something the way you wrote about her heart getting faster as she looked at the brown stains and smelt the awful stentch. If this is the image you want to get across well I guess it's fine. As in the earlier chapters, I know that Zoey is a bit of a neat-freak and is seriously obssesive over having her stuff in order, I just...I thought the way you described it here was a bit overboard but thats just my opinion. I feel sorry for the onlookers in the story. They must have been wetting their pants watching her nearly break down at such,what you'd think would be a teeny thing. If you really want to know, I picture Zoey with a red,blotchy face with froth around the edges of her mouth. Thats a little over the top I know but still. I guess I'm not the only one with a creative imagination.

I know I said I wouldn't comment on grammar but this just...stood out in a weird way;

school's outside wall

Its not that bad but it defiantly doesn't read right or at least flow. I think this would be a tad better;

The outside school walls. Or something. Anything other then what you had. Maybe I'm weird but whatever. Haaah, your work isn't flawless anymore Nah na na na naaaa

Apart from the mistake I pointed out, I really liked how you introduced Charlie. The guy who had fallen of the School walls. What a name to have. I absolutly loved this sneaky little bit of humour.

Charlie would have easily passed the music side of things because despite falling off a wall because his voice was note-perfect

I mean dispite falling off a wall? I cracked up. Big time. Apart from that, here you start to give us an inlook to the maybe crush Zoey has on Charlie. The way you let us in on your curiousty that day and the way you wrote about him seemed a litte more close to the heart,more passionate. As I always say writing is about showing readers rather then telling. Its about painting a picture a words and I think, in this short paragraph you accomplished that. Without telling me, I knew that Zoey had/has quite a fondness, would be the right word, around Charlie that flows more the the rest of the book.

As Shubhs also mentioned, you very distant when talking of Aimee. When you said that just because of what happend to Aimee didn't mean they had to stare at you like a school of fish. As a matter of fact it kind of does. I mean when your sister dies by being stabbed to death people are going to stare and wonder and sympathize arent they? Also, your writing as Zoey meaning you should be showing us the little thoughts that go through her head. You didn't do any of that. You completely blanked with any mention of Aimee which doesn't seemed right. Are you trying to show us that Zoey doesn't have feelings or that Aimee is gone now and she doesn't matter? Because both seem very possible the way you wrote it. Let us in. Show is the emotinos Zoey is feeling. Don't shun the readers. Give out as much information as you can in one chapter. And i'm not saying, make your chapters longer~Make them fecking shorter! :p Don't be afraid to add in emotion, give it all yu get and lay it on thick!

That's really all I got, (What I';m trying to say is that this review is too long already and I'm tired so I'm not going to bother with the rest of the blabber.)

Keep writing and please don't PM when the next part is out. Try and shorten the chapters down too or else I'm going to have trouble keeping this up!

Good job,
Kaka
*Collapses beside Azila*