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The Loud Bam! Theory



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Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:09 pm
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Yuriiko says...



Your eyes flash open because of a stinging mosquito bite. Opposite of your direction shows a spotlighted part of the ceiling. Just then you realize your helmet flashlight is still on, and then you start counting mentally the minutes left before the battery drops low. You sit up and a loud creak occurred at the back of your body. Boy, it’s a bad realization that sleeping on the world’s famous clock can cause backaches and dried flakes on the corners of your mouth. Not to mention the hammer and steel tape locked around your waist. Wiping the dried saliva out with your stained shirt, you scanned around to see if anyone has seen you drooled. Fortunately, the witnesses are just the dust dancing around- illuminated by the half-moon hanging on the bare sky - and the gears, iron rods, coppers and such resources for Big Ben maintenance week.

Bang… Bang…

The clock struck past twelve. The sound is deafening it could almost split your ears into two. And you’re still wondering why your boss has given you a helmet without any ear plugs to go along with. But it’s not the right time to think about the loud bell. It’s about the time you think the reason you’re still here in the middle of the night.
Did you exhaust yourself too much that you fell asleep?
You shake your head in disagreement. No. You can still remember waking up with a good ten hours of sleep last night. But what happens after that? You start scratching your head in confusion. Why are there no people in here?
“Hello?” Your voice echoes in the tower. You shudder, cold chills overpowering the warm temperature in you. Nothing, but the wind whistles in reply. Shouldn’t you just go down, instead of worrying the gone population here?
That’s a good idea, you tell yourself. Your working boots produce squeaky thud, breaking the silence. Your head is in search of a way to go down, but as your body circles the area, you suspect that there are no stairs, ladders and even scaffolds.
What is this? Your eyes squint in confusion.
Oh, it’s the freshly-bought stove of your boss, lying on the concrete floor, covered with dust and cobwebs. But you’re confused as to why it’s delivered here, and not in his residence.
Then, you stare down at your watch and suddenly, your eyes are wide open. Is this true or this ten-year-old possession of yours is broken? It’s turning counter-clockwise!
You tap it with your finger, hoping it can go back in its normal state, but it won’t.

As you roam the area, you accidentally topple down a bottle. You take it up and a strong scent of gin tickles your nose. Ooh. Hangover? But where are your co-workers?
Now where is that hidden camera?
“Okay. You got me, guys.” You hold out your arms and laugh. Expecting a “we-got-you!” moment in few seconds.
But a minute has passed.
You run near the barrier and your eyes narrow down . Zoomed out cars, buildings, city lights appear right before your eyes. You want to shout for help but you already know that it’s too impossible. You doubt people will know you’re trapped here even if you scream at the top of your lungs or drop your boots down the occupied streets- they might just think it comes from the sky. If so, you start picture them as those native Africans in your all-time favorite movie “The gods must be crazy”.
You look down at your watch again. It might just be broken—or not. And you’re in a debate whether you throw it out, but it's too expensive or you can leave it just as be.
Achoo!
You wish you were in somewhere else than being in this old dusty clock tower.
Achoo!
Damn this, you mumble- as if someone can hear you.
Sniff.
Even though the temperature is high, a drop of cold sweat race down your cheeks. You don’t know what to do. Plus, your stomach is growling and a headache to go along with.
You look around, but no sight of anyone. Perhaps, you’re in a dream. A dream you can never wake up from anymore. A dream where your life forever is on hold.
“This is just a dream. The colds have given me some bad sleep.” You let out a sigh, thinking of some ways to wake yourself up. Maybe pinching yourself can help.
You pinch your arm. Your face. And even pull your shaggy hair. Nothing.
You turn your head in different angles, but you can’t see anything that might help you leave this place and go on to the real life.
Then a light bulb appears in your little imaginary head. Wait a minute. The stove! You can probably burn yourself a little and that might do the trick. And you remember when you get surprised in a dream, in just a snap of a finger; you usually and automatically wake up.
A snicker released from your mouth. But wait—there is no electricity here. So how are you going to do about it?
This might hurt a little bit but at least I’ve tried, you say to yourself.
You step a few inches back then give the stove a good kick.
Bam!
The stove gives off nothing but a loud bam in return. And you notice that it has not moved even in few inches, not even a dent. The throbbing pain in your feet is excruciating and you sit down on the floor, rubbing your boots, but the more you touch it, the more the pain stings. Now whatever happened to waking up?
Maybe the kick should be stronger? stronger than the gin?
You pursed your lips and you can feel your hands shaking.
Bam!
You stand up again.
Bam!
The pain hurts like it has been stomped off by an elephant.
Bam!
You drop down in defeat.




Spoiler! :
992 words in MS Word. My second attempt at using second POV. And any reviews will be greatly appreciated.

Theme: Your story is about a construction worker in Big Ben kicking a stove.

^ which was pretty challenging. And the contest got me intimidating a bit due to number of entries. hehe
Last edited by Yuriiko on Tue Jun 28, 2011 10:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  





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Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:49 pm
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WaywardBird says...



While the tense is smart, and the setting is intriguing, I fail to see what just happened. Clearly this story has some background knowledge with it, but some people lack that background knowledge. I'm not sure what this story was about, other than a pshyc thriller, a maintnence worker suck on the clocktower. Is he stuck up there, and that's the eerie end? Perhaps some elaboration might be needed, a continuance of the same story. Flashbacks, perhaps? Details that seem innocent at first? A melodramatic end? You're the writer, you know what's best,
Latina est TUMOROSUS senes ita sortem.
  





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Tue Jun 28, 2011 10:05 pm
Yuriiko says...



WaywardBird wrote: Is he stuck up there, and that's the eerie end? Perhaps some elaboration might be needed, a continuance of the same story.


Thank you Wayward. I'll be taking your suggestion into consideration. However, I have intended the ending to be hanging. So I have you understand. And with your help, I have added some story background. :smt001
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  





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Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:25 pm
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TylynRae says...



Hello there =] Here to review as requested! I didn't see anything majorly wrong with it, but there are a few grammatical errors. I really liked that you did this from a different POV instead of going for the "The construction work paced the floor. The construction worker kicked the stove." It's refreshing =]

The one thing I might work on a bit is this. It took a little bit to figure out what exactly your main character was. I mean, the second I saw the prompt I was like. Duh. But it took a little bit, maybe even a little too much?

But anyway, I really liked the eeriness of something so normal. A construction worker, beyond normal, and then being stuck in a giant clock tower. It's just creepy!

Really well done overall =] Just a few little grammatical things and you should be good as gold =]
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)
  





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Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:15 am
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theotherone says...



Hello Yuriiko, I'm here as requested. :)

Boy, it’s a bad realization that sleeping on the world’s famous clock can cause backaches and dried flakes on the corners of your mouth.

I'm not sure I understand the part in red. Are you talking about the Big Ben in London?
Damn this, you mumble- as if someone can hear you.

the you mumble shouldn't be in italic.

I really like the POV, because it's so different then what we're used too. I think it's like the second story I read in second point of view. :)

I like the mystery around it too. Since he doesn't really know how he got there, and all. It's a really interesting story, and I'm glad I read it. :)

I'm sorry for the short review... I wish I could've helped more.

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  





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Thu Jul 07, 2011 7:21 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Yuri, Mommy's here!

So sorry it took me so long. But I'm here now!

Just then you realize your helmet flashlight is still on, and then you start counting mentally the minutes left before the battery drops low.
... except, he has no idea when he passed out, so how can he know that his battery will die?

You sit up and a loud creak occurred at the back of your body
The way you phrase it, it sounds like the creak comes from behind him, not from within him. Maybe you could say that his back cracked or snapped to avoid any confusion.

, the witnesses are just the dust dancing around- illuminated by the half-moon hanging on the bare sky -
From where does he see the moon? He's inside a closed ceiling, right? And the Big Ben is there. So, how can he see the moon? I just looked up pictures, and I couldn't see anywhere obvious to the naked eye. Maybe the clock is illuminated from the inside then?

Oh, it’s the freshly-bought stove of your boss, lying on the concrete floor, covered with dust and cobweb
If it's freshly bought, why is it covered with dust and cobweb?

As you roam the area, you accidentally topple down a bottle
Ok, he wakes up, doesn't remember what he's doing there and why he's there. His helmet managed to stay on while he was passed out? I highly doubt it. He can't find a way down, but he's not surprised to be in the Big Ben. So why is he not finding the way out, and why isn't he panicking more?

want to shout for help but you already know that it’s too impossible.


If so, you start picture them as those native Africans in your all-time favorite movie “The gods must be crazy”.
I would cut out this part, because it doesn't help the story unless you've seen the movie. Because I haven't, I have no idea what you're trying to 'show' us here.

And you’re in a debate whether you throw it out, but it's too expensive or you can leave it just as be.
Why is he bothering with his watch right now? He definitely has bigger problems than a broken watch.

Plus, your stomach is growling and a headache to go along with.
I would change the words in bold to 'a headache is coming along'. It sounds better :D

Then a light bulb appears in your little imaginary head
Well, I'm pretty sure his head is quite real. Maybe cut out 'imaginary'?

The throbbing pain in your feet is excruciating and you sit down on the floor, rubbing your boots, but the more you touch it, the more the pain stings
Ok. A few things here. First off, if he's a construction worker, he should be wearing steel-cap boots. If he is, there shouldn't have been so much pain involved, at the most, a slight discomfort. That being said, why in the name of all that is holy, would he be rubbing his boot, and not taking it off to rub his foot?

Ok now! Done with the review! This was quite interesting, daughter, and I think you've pulled off the second person quite nicely. That being said, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm intrigued and I want to know more. What was he doing up there, was he in a dream? If not, how drunk was he, and why was he left there?

I'm not sure whether I really really like this, or am disappointed about the way it ends. It seems like you're building up to a fantastic ending with a great bang, only to have him kick the stove repeatedly. Instead of looking for a way out. Or a way down. Or wondering how he got there in the first place. So, yes, I really enjoy it but I'M not sure whether I like the ending or not yet. You brought mystery in this piece, but maybe just a little too much.

Hope this helped, daughter!!

Mom :D
  





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Fri Aug 05, 2011 2:54 am
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chloe13 says...



Can't really find much to critique about this, so I'll just tell you that I thought this was really good!
I thought the tense you used was the best part, it really itnrigued me as well as got into my head and placed really interesting mental images there.Also, I loved the overall plot and the inconclusive ending was clever; sometimes I think it's best to leave determining what happened to the reader, allowing them to make assumptions etc . . .

So,keep up the good work!
  








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