Young Writers Society

her spine bloomed from her curved back like a mountain,
rippling with under-fed vertebrae
that spread wide like splayed fingers.
each gap was a cavern, an empty hole where warmth may have lain
at one point, but had been eaten away from not eating at all,
by the superficial wants and the vanity and the covers
of Emaciation Co. with a barely-there model, in her barely-there clothes.
she wanted the model’s pout, and she wanted the model’s pose, and she wanted
the model’s medical bills, with an IV shoved through her wrist
and a smile on her face.

and she was well on her way.





Thanks for reading! ^_^
-Coral-

It was perfectly blunt, and just like any good poem, after reading it twice I understood it perfectly. Once, to take in the rhythm, and the second to consume the beauty of the poem.

Your emotion in it was precise. For such an indirect description, you got the contours of it down pat. PROPS to you(:

*I would go back through with a shift key and make sure that the beginnings of sentences are capitalized.

I don't have anything else to say. It was bliss. Beautiful job. Tell me if you change it at all(:

Love,
Fixed

First off, let me say how amazing this is. It's full of raw emotion and it is just indescribably good. The two minor things I can point out are capitalizing the first letter in each line and adding commas where your voice naturally breaks. Read this out loud and add them as you go along. Other than that, this was amazing and I loved it. Great work!
-Hope

Hey Persy! Hope here again to review your looovely poetry!
So I like some bits of this poem, and some I think are just too blunt. The problem with that is it leaves nothing to the reader's imagination, or interpretation. (Ohay lookit me, I'm a poet and I just don't know it ) I'd defiantly edit this a little, make the meaning behind it a little less obvious.

each gap was a cavern, an empty hole where warmth may have lain

This line I really loved, the part after it though was just far too blunt for my taste, and kind of took away from it.

of Emaciation Co. with a barely-there model, in her barely-there clothes.
she wanted the model’s pout, and she wanted the model’s pose

I love the rhythm this has to it, the rhyme I'm a bit afraid might throw off the rest of the poem. But I really just love this part.

and she wanted
the model’s medical bills, with an IV shoved through her wrist

But this, I hate slightly xD. The repetition of "the model('s)" is just a little too much with this, and I don't know, it seems a little over the top to me. Something about the mention of the wrist just brings up thoughts of overly emo poetry for me.

But yeah, you want to kind of make the reader have to read into the poem and think about it a little bit. Other than that though, I loved it!

Keep writing,

~Hope

Yay!

It's a little too blunt! I would probably trim it just a bit. Something like...

her spine bloomed from her curved back like a mountain,

of Emaciation Co. with a barely-there model, in her barely-there clothes.

I think those two deletions would make this poem less obvious and much better.

I loved the bluntness. Don't change a thing! I love your flow in your poems and have always said that i loved your writing.

i didn't really see the point of the poem.

I didn't get what the message was is all, but I liked the descriptive details.

I really need to review this soon. Gosh.
Sorry. I'll get back to it as soon as I can.
and THEN the party starts.

Alrighty. It's 1:30 AM. Freakin' tired. But with a slightly warm mug of mocha sleep deficiency, I suppose I'm ready to go. xD G'morning Persy. Let's get started, shall we?

Persephoneia wrote:her spine bloomed from her curved back like a mountain,
rippling with under-fed vertebrae
that spread wide like splayed fingers.

Great imagery, here. I could get technical, but in this case the technicalities would be pretty annoying to mention because TECHNICALLY (oh, the irony) they don't matter. It's too blocked-out by the omg-this-is-awesome effect of the lines. Which is a win.

Persephoneia wrote:each gap was a cavern, an empty hole where warmth may have lain
at one point, but had been eaten away from not eating at all,

In light of the remaining lines after this quoted portion, this isn't very blunt. In fact... the way you went about it was quite artistic if one really looks at it. "eaten away from not eating at all" obviously clues the reader in that it's about anorexia (how lame that would be if I were wrong after saying that). With this in mind, I can go back to the first lines and see the significance with more clarity, which... I consider that I good thing, because it implies that the meaning behind the piece wasn't so blunt that it was given away from the very start. Does that make any sense?

As for the rest, it all makes sense, but it's pretty straight forward. I look at it two ways (we'll start with the bad one so that we can end on a good note): it's pretty freakin' blunt. You start it out so beautifully, but then you basically just hand it all over to the reader. A meaning that says "there you go, this is what I am" without question. With that said, this piece has less color than your others.

Now. If you really think about it, what comes to mind when you see an abnormally thin person? I'd be willing to bet that, generally, people are quick to assume that one is anorexic based on a certain kind of appearance (such as the one you described). Obsession over the look of models, desperation to lose weight, a hunger to abolish hunger... again, generally, those are just the signs. So, in reality, we don't turn many corners in our mind to finally come to the conclusion that one has some sort of eating disorder. It's usually pretty straight forward. In that sense, your piece is rather accurate in how blunt it is about the subject, and for that reason, I wouldn't change it. But really, that's your choice, of course.

Anywho. I feel like I just contradicted myself ten thousand times. Sorry this was more rambling than constructive criticism... will fix that once teachers allow some amount of sleep. And by that I mean not give so much damn homework. Sheesh. Anyway. Great piece, as usual. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to collapse and pass out on my bed, now.

Superficial is an autological word, like nonsensical. Word is an autological word.

Behind the thin veil of the superficial surely rests a dark usurious underworld pulsing with forbidden apples.

A map to an apple tree is not an apple. To know an apple is to know it's taste, not to claim it's color.

If you cannot give me the taste, then I am only interested to mask unattentiveness. I am too lazy to cut the plastic roots of "superficial", I am inspired by the word to admire it's presence lightly and smile all Monroe'd and vacant.